I don't ever want the beat to stop.

mmm, hes breaking my heart. I'm blood in his hands, now. Out of my control.

Today.

And he kissed me gently. Called me love,and said my eyes were pretty.

Freefalling feels good,


I know i'll never hurt as bad as I did before.

No one could ever grip my throat as hard as your romantic, trembling hands..

I feel it all.

yummy yum with sprinkles, black heels ,dance moves and vanilla love. delicate skin,cranberry vodka- yeah yeah yeahs. I want to roadtrip and dip my toes in California sand, whisper to me in french, skip down Manhattan night crowds, nap in fields and jump in rain, kiss my neck in the backseat of this car. life life life life

happens so fast.

i'm a different girl,every day. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-1Gb2rxzlk

I write songs about strangers. Perhaps if our paths cross, i'll write about you as well.

Don't come any closer,
your 'booze' cologne wrecks my way

dont put your hands on me,
I never invited you here

though dont get me wrong, I'm not calling you out on your hissing serpent tongue
just a lost child,in the rain
just a lost child in the rain,
and i dont want to dance with you in the downpour

dont step any further,
your punk rock couture fogs my focus
dont play me any sid,

I never asked for this

your ink stained skin,
your lung cancer bliss
your addict addicting addiction,
your promiscuity recommendation

I'm not trying to judge this books cover,but
i never wrote for an invitation


though dont get me wrong, i'm not calling you out on your hissing serpent tongue
youre just a lost child in the rain
and im a flying spirit, midst of high soar
and i dont want to dance with you in your down pour


And should I stand, adjust my mini dress, calmly fold the crinkles in its surface,and walk away?
or will my heart be taken in?

Just a thought..

tattoo "Forward" on my wrist.

I have no pity for people who aren't willing to help themselves.
Question; Is it that you want true happiness,or is it that you are ill
and desire a truly ILLUSIVE,FALSE happiness that will only make you
sicker? Keep moving forward. There is no sense or point in walking behind yourself..
Theres such thing as "back" and "forth" for a reason. There is purpose for the distinction between the two. To get to one point,or another... Don't sit there in extraordinary WONDER at why your universe hasnt turned if you are still returning,and taking that step behind.

I understand its beautiful to have those "walking backwards" moments, but keep them at mere MOMENTS.life is too beautiful to experience your ONLY steps solely from completely behind.


Action is the effect of state of mind,
Action is the effect of desire.
Everything in this human force revolves around desire...

Think for a minute, What thoughts are going through YOUR head?
where is YOUR energy truly taking you?

what do you TRULY desire?

Happiness?
or a feeble, selfish human settlement for an IDEA,and petty desire of something you desperately consider nice,but really isnt all that lovely for you in reality?

We have to take care of ourselves.


thought: If it makes you feel sick, Move forward. Don't try to change it, help it, or wait for it. Its not meant for you this moment.

"Almost"..

..almost is a good word.




A little bit of things I'm cooking up:

PLEASE EVERYONE SIGN THIS PETITION TO SAVE A WOMANS LIFE

everyone please sign this petition to hopefully save this womans life,and many others in the future



http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/meast/07/05/iran.stoning/index.html?hpt=T1

VIDEO^


PLEASE CLICK ON THIS LINK BELOW TO SIGN !
HELP Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani Petition





help Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani, any voice and heart counts.. though you may believe evil will not hear,the universe,and god will. Perhaps this is her destiny..A "god" in the sky orchestrates our chosen fate.. regardless of those around us..who loves us..and wish us to stay here on earth..(maybe death really is out of our hands,mere magic already cast upon stone,and glitter blown into air,much long before,and beyond our control..) but perhaps this is not... perhaps people,perhaps WE,are sent from god to help prevent murder like this.

This is disgusting, This is barbaric. Animals kill prey,in a less senseless manner.

This is a twisted act,hung behind twisted morals... All of control,and evil.

Man who feeds off of self righteousness and power over others..

If this was just,why isnt the man who she supposedly had relations with,paying a sin as well?

Though I'm sure she hadn't even sinned..and even so...


he who has no sins cast the first stone.. it is for God to judge, not men


and I dont believe ANY god would sentence a woman,nor man,nor child,nor animal,nor element to a death so brutal, for any reason.

i had a dream that the earth was exploading ..

i miss those dark,anorexic roads...twisted,tormented, hauntingly narrow like the willows arm... the absent headlights,and ghost story... the cold so cold,it burns..cutting my flesh like a thousand swords..quiet mouth, screaming eyes.. our pupils jolt from every dimension..flickering the truth we cannot comprehend. A hand I cannot hold,but hold only because yours is forever lost..


a friendship off limits, an uncomfortable bond... is it right to even look in your eyes? or distantly pat your shoulder, with my own two cold,small hands..shaken,dry.

..but this isnt about you. you are merely an electron within the atom of this tragedy..

a single dainty feather blowing down along the summer stream..
a tiny strand of my sisters brown hair..

This is a picture beyond just your face.

I miss the red wooded barn, a texture my hands could almost taste..so close to running my fingertips over its coarse,painted skin,just from the car window alone..
An impossible embrace. Simple wood, i'll never greet,a substance to never connect.

And staring into the blackened country distance.. the tall grass, and flat lawn..mystique.. empty...death. I imagine you staring back at me,somewhere and somehow..watching this all.. the "dead end".. and ghost dolls...



_______________________________________________

Happy 4rth ;)


so much is pacing through this crazy little head of mine....



and it all goes "boom".


Sitting in my quiet room.. Fireworks are beautiful and mesmerizing .. ,but im flinching and jumping everytime one abruptly goes off,i feel like i'm in iraq...



I wish you were here,baby. My night would be complete..and not for security.. but for absolute bliss... I would have you to kiss,and lay down with..

I just want to turn off the lights and rest my exhausted body and mind... feel your strong arms wrapped around me. I would drift off so safe and soundly... without a worry..a care..or a thought in mind..just feeling..complete..peaceful nothingness.

and i have come to find,nothing can compare to nothingness.

perhaps this is a climax we all meet,in death.


There is happiness..and sadness..

all that falls into that contrast,

and then there is ..nothingness..

which i feel nothing can compare to..and i dont mean nothingness as in ...depressing..numbness.. not at all.

nor do i mean,the opposite of which..


but something so....strange.. as humans we cannot comprehend what this nothingness even means,because we are so used to.. SOMETHING..anything..even in emptiness,we mostly find..at least SOMETHINg..some sort of suffering..


but this nothingness.. is like the peace i always feel underwater...with my eyes open,peaking at the tiny strands of hair swarming around my face..fogging my view of my floating,dancing hands..

and without a thought..without a feeling..without sorrow..without happiness,even...

that is when i found pure bliss..
in just raw...honest..human..EXISTENCE.. just be...just float..

Maybe I'm falling...

If you sink down beneath, I'll swim down..

From my profile...

Fashion:

LATEST FASHION OBSESSION: "Hippie Looks".'Tree hugger' philosophy. Earthtones,Headbands,Pleather boots,
bohemian patterns.
Dirty blond hair/grown out roots,
Messy/sloppy/knotted hippie hair...
What you wear doesnt really matter.

LATEST FASHION OBSESSION: "Comfy Tiny". Small,and fragile, but well and comfortable. Shoulder length natural blonde hair,messy/natural choppy bangs. Natural makeup, Small racerback t, [Little straps laced with floral/rhinestone accents], highwaisted shorts, silence & noise blazer. Simple.

blah blah blah

I haven't posted in what seems like forever.. I question why I even have this blog, I doubt anyone actually reads these crazy posts..
Perhaps Its just a place to store my thoughts...

though i hardly even write my thoughts here anymore !

I love these images.

*NONE OF THESE IMAGES ARE MINE, NOR DO I OWN THEM..THEY ARE JUST ART THAT I FOUND ON THE WEB AND ADORE SO MUCH! CHEERS TO THE GENIUS PHOTOGRAPHERS AND BREATHTAKING MODELS.




ALL of these images are so soft and flowy
gorgeous light hair.. soft wind,peaking sunlight,ETHERAL clothing and nature..so hippie.



these photos speak so much to me.... gentle white lacey, silky,ruffley cotton baby doll dresses.. pale and pure...


see through lace,

golden tones,sunsets,sunrise,sun light...so warm and spring/summery

beach scenery - enough said..

this looks so free and inspiring

natural... in your most beautiful form..clotheless

tree love :P i adore all the emotion in these photos

more sunlight

i love this..its so delicate,and almost romantic..

a womans back/neck is one of my most favorite body part

its so elegant and vulnerable looking..

tree love :DD

soo beautiful! I dream if this scenery, I have always written about it..

flower fields..ah I would love to nap and shoot photos here<33

adorable in everyway.. her dress looks so victorian

divine...femine.. this shows me sisterly loyalty and friendship

wow!

adore the visual texture of their clothing..beautiful material,design,pattern and may i add,amazing hair and dreamy \flowerbands!

wow

sensual

bright..soft..etheral...carefree

mother earth child

romantic,pure,beautiful

love (this is one of my ultimate favorites of this entire set)

:D I love how green this is,its as if she is being swallowed up by the beautiful evergreen meadow!

i would love to do this.. tranquil... serenity

adventuress ! :P

contemplation

from depths..

tonight,the pain is so bad
i feel it rising in my throat
too thick to swallow
blistering allover my flesh
taunting my childish mind
all i ever wanted was love
naive,cliche, sheep like,i know.
this burn,too scorching to sleep with

who will love me?
who will crave my love?
who will accept my love?
who will protect me,and cherish me purely?


this sore,too raw to sleep with
all i ever wanted was love
text book, fairytale, girlish,i know.

tonight,i sleep with this ache
this sting
this reality
i am alone
for so long,i will be alone
i can feel and sense

unworthy
unpretty in everyway
who would want to hold me
or tell me sweet things?

all i ever wanted was love
you left and now theres no one else

abstract human- person connection

the more i look at you,into your eyes,over the oceans of your skin,
deep gaze into the depth of your face..
the innocence of your eyes,
the way i touch your cheeks,
brushing against your neck,softly
not as a lover,
not as a friend
but,as a friend
as a soul...
individual,,significant
precious..
does this make sense?
i think.."make love,not war"
and here i am,here we make love and magic
gentle bliss and euphoria

Its a shame.

I feel pretty on the outside, even through the tears and sensitivity
they say i deserve the universe,
but only a speck of dirt is what i take,its what i accept,what I feel worthy

why cant we just lay down together? Why is love gone?
why cant you see me?
everything feels dead and silent
not necessarily evil or bad
just still and empty

never there at beginning

nap in the barn hay
strands of coarse against my skin
dark hair fallen wild yet calm like the summers breeze
i want you to find peace,and tranquility within me


mellow,low,flaccid
over bare shoulder blades,
covering naked clavicles,
warm tone ricochets off every inch of your content face
sunrise sleeps in our skin,it likes it here,i like it here..but what is here?

even through the raw
the red stains roses bled
through torn white lace
wetting my fingertips,held to my lips

i still see you, pretty

tired eyes glancing over your eyes
youre blind
youre deaf
youre sore,now

i cannot help..but only ache


quiet,sad,frail

you ask why my hair is neatly tied,
i turn my head in confusion...
strands blowing crazily upon my flickering eyes..
why cant you see me?

why cant we talk...
why cant we feel
why cant we look into eachother
why cant we just lay?

I dont understand!

http://www.marieclaire.com/fashion/trends/articles/bohemian-fashion-spring08

is that website ...for real?

haha.. honestly,I....,would never spend that amount of money on clothing. Its...clothing,for harry potters sake. Seriously?

"the Malibu bohemian becomes one with nature."

Oh yeah,totally. because spending over three THOUSAND dollars on a dress definitely benefits mother earth and the humble beauty of the universe o___O Psh..forget the starving children,battered wives,homeless men or mistreated animals... lets go shopping excessively ,then throw on a piece of material around our heads and call us peace loving flower children! :D *thumbs up*


Hippie isn't a fashion, its not a cool trend,its a not a pretty look,or type of clothing.

its a lifestyle.

Im a crazy crazy girl.

Im just swimming and spinning;swaying and floating, seeping and drowning;twirling and soaking.. in a beautiful swirl and warping psychedalia,whirlpool of neon andromeda

This is why i wont go to school for photography

http://www.colorpilot.com/comp_rules.html

I appreciate this page.. yet at the same time,these "rules",tips,or lessons,if you will...seem so foreign to me... deaf advice ,I don't understand.. I dont care for...

I don't want to have to take a class (nor have I ever) on what angle my photos should be taken on,or pointers on how It can "look" better.. I want to just go out there,naturally...by nature,by inner/passionate instinct..and follow my heart.

;) Thats how the REAL magic happens! Just experiment, explore, create. If you dont like it at first, Try again... you begin to learn from your mistakes,your eyes..begin to just naturally see,what looks good, to you... (which is what matters most) and other souls alike, will be drawn and have that same appreciation :) its all about filling that gap in yourself, feeding that ache and crave, the eye YOU have,for things...


who says we cant do this or that?

I want to rewrite everything,start anew.

erase the past book of rules,and burn it to ashes,throw it up above my head..

"They call me Naive, I say they are just all too sheep too alike. Who wants to take my hand and step out of the box,with me? Forget these safe zones,the lace of restriction blisters my skin."


I love the strange and unusual
the ugly,the aimless

there is innocence,beauty,purity...

simplicity in the seemingly complex and twisted up..

i love abstract,
i love love love everything! ... but photography classes :P

heh

how interesting.

Date: Jan 28, 2010 1:29 PM


"Absolute, or ultimate, bodhicitta, which refers to the wisdom of shunyata (śunyatā, a Sanskrit term often translated as "emptiness", though the alternatives "openness" or "spaciousness" probably convey the idea better to Westerners) [3]. The concept of śunyatā in Buddhist thought does not refer to nothingness, but to freedom from attachments (particularly attachment to the idea of a static or essential self) and from fixed ideas about the world and how it should be. "

And why do these words stand out to me so much..so enticing...


emptiness
nothingness..
openness

"I hear it in my head,real low.."

Date: Jan 27, 2010 8:16 PM

God, I love music. with all my little heart! It helps me,so much... forever a friend. It inspires me,in every way. It gives me feeling,comfort, life within...

Tonight,I thought:

All these mysteries,all these wonders of the world..what would they be,if we already knew of them?
these puzzles,these questions..what would they be worth,if we already knew the answers.. Already solved the equation.
these materialism,this success,what would its significance be,if we quickly obtained them?
This fantasy... this yearning..burning..aching,desire..what would it be..if it suddenly became..reality

this happiness..what would it be...what would it mean,if we wereforever happy?

without a struggle
without a journey
without a road
without obstacles ,
without a challenge
without time,
ticking away clock,and passing moments..and if time is nothing,than
fading into the night shadows that splash against the wall..
without patience, without restriction..
without pain...


there is no beauty,see..

A part of me truly wants to keep my fantasy a fantasy,
I dont want to make it a reality..

where is your purpose,once you know all the knowledge, or..
Like a wealthy man,where is his endeavor
once he has bought all the objects in the universe?


Oh,just a random thought.

I thought of that "man that has everything"..
where is there to go..
what is there for us to do..
once we have...everything
or perhaps simply fed with that moment we crave..

Please open your eyes..

Alot of people I know,and care for are currently going through things that really tears me apart to see. I dont understand. The pain, I well know... but the reaction,is currently so foriegn to me... So the following:

Sorry, but in this life,our world is our creation. Dont settle for less,dont "wait for tomorrow", dont excuse situations. physical existence is so limited, time spent in our human bodies,so shallow and almost irrelevant.. this time,in this demension like sand through our hands. People we meet,and come across, such a beautiful thing- human connection. but you cannot gain good,without leaving the bad..and whats even worse,is then after limiting ourselves to solely the BAD,and tilting our heads in confusion,and asking..."why is this happening to me"? we dont even have the right to wonder... because the answer is so clear,in front of us. We did this. We created this. There is no such thing as blame. People come,people go...though we cannot control any force, nothing is really infinite,nothing is certain, there is nothing we "own", or truly possess,besides our inner spirit. we must always remember to filter,edit,alter those aquantiances and relationships. We have the ability and the POWER to choose what we expose ourselves to,and surround ourselves in. To make changes,to create better in worse,to lighten in dark. To get rid of those bad energies,and replace them with better. We are in charge, we are artists. We choose those who we wish to associate ourselves with. Be wise,be careful, be open.


Only we can put things at start and end. we as humans,mother earth, life itself,...at a forever state of change.. growing,flowing, evolving. even in stillness,we float ,not pause. Dont ever settle for less. Dont limit yourself. Dont fear. Fear is evil,fear is consuming. Fear destroys creation. Go out there,risk. "i'd rather move,make motion than sit still in worse"There is nothing to be afraid of. Even death,is true paradise. Is our initial,native land... where we were born to return. Life,is just a moment. A stage. Pretty Adventures on earth are just preparations for eternal BEAUTY in death. All is full of love. All is gentle,and right,..... only if you create it that way, though.

Monster.

"u have to keep me on a leash just a little" I tell him..

and at that moment i realized..
what if all of them...
none of them, were monsters at all ....
what if the monster,was me,....all along?


this whole time..
what if.. i was the enemy
i am the person i hate the most
i am what causes my own pain?

(the trouble maker...
The rebel child...
The fire starter)

I cannot blame them, anymore.
for,
I'm the one crawling towards...


the girl that always acts on impulse..
actions without consequences
doing without thought,
sipping without a pause.

yet i imagine the moment
my arms wrapped around you,
you pinning me against the wall,
taking one of my hands,and lifting it against my head
our bodies hot,and full of passion
desire screaming for one another
your warm breath on my neck,kisses soft,
i want you so much.
my eyes roll back,and i let out whimpers
i'll look into your eyes,hands drop and find their way to your face, holding your gaze in strict place..
and i'll whisper..

"i am not acting on impulse this time..."

i'd like to believe this time..is different.
this time, i'm calm...

sex
affection
intimacy
vulnerability
closeness
desperation
obsession
needy
power
the power you have over me
want
and needing
my body
the messages
it sends me
the spell you have me under
wrapped around your finger
its neurology



I dont want to be THAT girl.
alone..
reaching out,isolating
whimpering,silent.


Im that girl.
messy hair,blowing in my face
chilly winter winds
over sized sweater,hanging off my shoulder
from the night before,
nikon around my neck
i walk the streets alone,
dead town
pacing back and forth,
staring at my feet
cold hands,
chapped lips...
so frozen its numbing,
i feel them burn,i cannot even move them
i feel the wind
i hear the singing chimes
their sad song
i feel a mother earth
i think to her
and the wind grows stronger
or maybe its you
that feels me here

i dont want to be THAT girl..
i dont want to be alone,
yet i dont want to be surrounded

my knees are bruised
my heart is sore
my white cotton dress is torn
my nikon strap doesnt inspire anymore
i want to be someone else today,I say
throw on a large brim hat
and flower socks

My favorite quotes.

So many beautiful words written by so much beauty.. cannot fully display my favorites..but some:

"We are not ready to live,until we are prepared to die"


"you're my desert rose. the wind that dances with my eternal fire......drifting across the sand, we dance caressing...."- My baby. My everything.

"you are wind, i am fire.. together we dance" my baby,fiance- nicholas

" Forever your desert rose"- Mine to you.


"Its not the duration of our descent,the measure of ones life..is how its spent." - Potter.I will forever miss u,skylarsaurous. (I have this tattooed behind my shoulder)

"Pain is a part of life. Don't deny it, don't fight it, don't divert it. Just feel it, all of it, for that is the only way it will ever be cleansed from you. And afterwords something more pure and true will be left. Trust me on this one thing. Let the tears fall as they may. But it will heal and through it you will become so much more wise and happy. I almost envy you. Not the situation you are in, but rather the pain you must deal with. It's been so long for me without adversity, without hurt, and challenge. What is life without these things? Things which test us, which try to break us, which cut us wide open."- something Sky wrote to me..that endless of times..quite frankly,saved my life.




"the mind is structured in layers,just like the universe is structured in layers. from superficial to profound. and if we use the mind in a very superficial level of ordinary thought,we have very limited power and can barely move a speck of dust to cross a tabletop without using our hands. so weak can consciousness be,but at the deepest level of consciousness,consciousness creates universe.. -John Hagelin," Ph.D professor of physics


"Do not conquer the world with force, for force only causes resistance. Thorns spring up when an army passes. Years of misery follow a great victory. Do only what needs to be done without using violence.”- The tao

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is
true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true
power. If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.” Tao

"you know what they say if its not broken?..break it." -someone to lost to recognize his lack of direction.


"Everything is based on mind, is led by mind, is fashioned by mind. If you speak and act with a polluted mind, suffering will follow you, as the wheels of the oxcart follow the footsteps of the ox. Everything is based on mind, is led by mind, is fashioned by mind. If you speak and act with a pure mind, happiness will follow you, as a shadow clings to a form."- Buddha

"The world has got it wrong. Its not eye color,or physique structure..the most enviable quality is a beautiful mind."- just something i jotted down a while ago.

"all things on earth are temporary and in a constant state of change.Since you are on this planet,you too are a part of this always changing and always decomposing principle.

let go your desire to force anyone or anything and choose instead to consciously be part of the cyclical pattern of nature. " The tao

"To be human..is beautiful. To be human..is contradiction.What is a greater gift?"myself

"What is light,without dark?
What is a gauze, without a wound?" myself

"He who is self righteous, is not respected.
He who brags,will not endure." the tao


"Immerse yourself in love."- ;) radiohead mmm

Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, "you owe me". the tao

"what we think,we become. " the tao ( i think.. cannot quite remember)



"Wearing clothes that match is like saying you only listen to one kind of music" - something i found in a nylon magazine.. cannot remember the author...for I cut it out and hung this on my wall! :(


"All clever creativity stems from maddness." myself


“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”-Albert Einstein

More Quotes as of late- ,so raw but beautiful
which warm my heart,especially in the storm of trouble... there has been so much evil out there lately,so many envious faces and poisonous words. Many serpents roam this land I walk..



Some quotes I found that are relevant to now..


"he who has no sins cast the first stone.. it is for God to judge, not men "


"~ Peace of mind makes the body healthy, but jealousy is like a cancer. ~"- Bible


~ Jealousy is a tiger that tears not only its prey but also its own raging heart ~ unknown

~ The jealous bring down the curse they fear upon their own heads. ~
Dorothy Dix



~ Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but Jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time ~
Arab Proverb



~ Jealousy is that pain which a man feels from the apprehension that he is not equally beloved by the person whom he entirely loves ~
Joseph Addison




"Do not envy a sinner; you don't know what disaster awaits him."
Bible

(.. I should remember this one,and not feel so bad upon myself when I look around at everyone else in my age group who party all night and get wasted/ high and scream "fuck yeah!" out the window... I dont have to conform, to an aimless road....)



"Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind."
Buddha


"Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm; for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave.
Bible"


"People die..but real love is forever"- Amy lee.



" Too much lovin on the lips, takes ya straight to tha hips" - my loving BEAUTIFUL curvy brother eddie ;)

" Cos i'm a gypsy,are you coming with me? I may steal yo thongs and wear them if they fit me.." A wonderful collaboration of shakira and my curvy beautiful brother again,eddie.

"I need the water,the pool,the river,the ocean.
..It lets me feel beautiful,good,pure,safe..FREE.
when I'm underwater I don't feel sad anymore,It feels like death..which is peaceful."-My brother Eddie.