I don't really think you know the meaning of self control.
Do you know how difficult it is?
I would fall in love with someone like me,
not because I like me.
But because I know what its like to feel unloved,
and I know what it is to not love someone like me.
I would caress her,
I would share with her
I wouldn't dissemble her
I would preserve her innocence.
I wouldn't try to change her
But I wouldn't let her die
I'd share this feeling...
because I have self control.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
ablah
I'm Now 'banana girl'. A fresh concept I'm cooking up somewhere in the depths of my pretty subconscious. I don't really like bananas,(to be frank,I actually quite despise the taste of them)but, I force myself to eat them.
You cant understand me...
You cant understand,because its humanly impossible to categorize me.
Even the tightest stereotype,falls lose around my neck
And i'm smiling,because no matter how hard you try,it will never stick long.
I cant even label myself,they havent made one that "fitting" yet..
Labels make things easier.
Labels sickly clarify the dysfunctional, atmosphere
helps us understand the reality,the nature..
Science,numbers,rules,and long division..
all such labels, to make things simple.
To give it a name.
to be able to slam it down in a text book,
to be able to close the cover or flip the page.
to have all the entire reason of its existence,all the infinite answers in the desperate grip of your shaking hands,
as you wait in the checkout line at the local library..
how beautiful is that?
to be able to understand?
Oh but,you cant understand me that way. You never well.
i'm alone.
No one will listen,they say they do,they say they want to.. but they lie. and It feels good at the time as I lose blood from their knives in my frail spine
Its just a game,you know?
Its a pity thing. Its a fooling thing.
They do love me,they probably do..but not enough.
And i'm alone..
theres no one to tell
no support,no shoulder to lean on
no chest to cry into
people just look at me like im mad
I am mad,but im sane at the same time.
and.. your brain cant focus on the median of sanity and insanity.
I'm not like those girls who all huddle up in the bathroom,passing down the toothbrush from under neath the stall,
one gag at a time,and the emptiness is gone.
one flush away, One wipe of the mouth.one lip gloss application. One pull down on the skirt.
Out of the door,and gone away,
I dont need anyone.
I dont really need friends, i tell myself.
I stay alone,in the corner..by myself.
I'm not like those kids who wear sullen on their face..
ive been told i'm very diverse and versatile,
sometimes.. I look okay. Sometimes,I'm quite delightful.At least my mouth reads that way.
cant say my eyes,but my lips are good at fooling.
I'm not like that hollow girl,20 lbs,6 foot tall,designer mini gown backstage,alone..
a cigarette in her hand, a dead on,blank stare.. into the absent space of I dont know what.
no thats not me.
i dont need to smoke my pain away.
im all alone.
no cigarette..
I'm just me.
take your labels, you cant drop my name underneath it even if you wanted to.
You cant understand me...
You cant understand,because its humanly impossible to categorize me.
Even the tightest stereotype,falls lose around my neck
And i'm smiling,because no matter how hard you try,it will never stick long.
I cant even label myself,they havent made one that "fitting" yet..
Labels make things easier.
Labels sickly clarify the dysfunctional, atmosphere
helps us understand the reality,the nature..
Science,numbers,rules,and long division..
all such labels, to make things simple.
To give it a name.
to be able to slam it down in a text book,
to be able to close the cover or flip the page.
to have all the entire reason of its existence,all the infinite answers in the desperate grip of your shaking hands,
as you wait in the checkout line at the local library..
how beautiful is that?
to be able to understand?
Oh but,you cant understand me that way. You never well.
i'm alone.
No one will listen,they say they do,they say they want to.. but they lie. and It feels good at the time as I lose blood from their knives in my frail spine
Its just a game,you know?
Its a pity thing. Its a fooling thing.
They do love me,they probably do..but not enough.
And i'm alone..
theres no one to tell
no support,no shoulder to lean on
no chest to cry into
people just look at me like im mad
I am mad,but im sane at the same time.
and.. your brain cant focus on the median of sanity and insanity.
I'm not like those girls who all huddle up in the bathroom,passing down the toothbrush from under neath the stall,
one gag at a time,and the emptiness is gone.
one flush away, One wipe of the mouth.one lip gloss application. One pull down on the skirt.
Out of the door,and gone away,
I dont need anyone.
I dont really need friends, i tell myself.
I stay alone,in the corner..by myself.
I'm not like those kids who wear sullen on their face..
ive been told i'm very diverse and versatile,
sometimes.. I look okay. Sometimes,I'm quite delightful.At least my mouth reads that way.
cant say my eyes,but my lips are good at fooling.
I'm not like that hollow girl,20 lbs,6 foot tall,designer mini gown backstage,alone..
a cigarette in her hand, a dead on,blank stare.. into the absent space of I dont know what.
no thats not me.
i dont need to smoke my pain away.
im all alone.
no cigarette..
I'm just me.
take your labels, you cant drop my name underneath it even if you wanted to.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Theres a character in you,too.
What is life without having an alternate world?
A secret mental land?
A powerful perception?
An internal ego?
A private persona?
An inside personality?
A complex identity?
The real you,vs the you that others perceive..hmm?
Youre a character.
I'm a character.
Internally,we are who we are.
Externally,we are who we are.
Period.
Points of views,points of views is what they are.What the world is made of.
Perception,and perspectives.
Internally,We get certain ideas of who we are.
We assume we know ourselves better than anyone else does,
but often times I find myself comparing my own thoughts of who I am
to the information others seem to of gathered of who they think I am..
scrambled words,mixed letters
unorganized,messy,distraught,wild,infinate.
Allover the place.
Sweet and sour stench.A brain fuck.Two at a time.
Internally, I am who I am.
I'm yet to (never) know who I am,
yet I know plenty of myself at the same time.
We can never understand ourselves,completely.
The strive is over,when we're dead.
A sleeping destination.
Thats when you've completed this ...'self research'.
Because,Lets fact it,Theres too much information within to comprehend.
No need to figure this out,let it be..
but i cant help but feel so uncomfortable as I see my own face
reflect from within the pupils of others.
how do you see me?
If I told you who I was,would you even believe me?
would you doubt?
would you laugh?
would you turn away,because you didnt "think" of me that way..
or you just had no idea at all,because of how shy I seem to be?
To look at something..and then suddenly feel ..so ..much.
When I say "feel", I mean,the cognition is extreme and so immense..Mindblowing.breathtaking.Captivating,Stalling.
It effects us all not only mentally,but physically.
It tells us what to do,It plays a huge part on how we feel.
Cognition,connection- to environment.
Cognition,connection- to..clinical dysfunction/biological behavior?
I look at everything,random things,things everywhere.
in the house,outside,in supermarkets,in the bus,on the street..
stop signs,
black top gravel,
the colors inside a book store,
of everything from the different colored spines of the books,and the shapes,the sizes.
the endless,overwhelming text
the bold,the italic..the large,catchy title and
the tiny,aligned overall print of every chapter.
the smell of candles,coffee.
The way that checkout clerk looked at me.
the sound of cars honking,and trunks slamming.
and they all make me...feel.
they touch me..
they play with my hair
and brush against my bare stomach..
lifting my blouse,and kissing my neck.
Do you see?
Can you feel it too?
Dont you see,
the cognition is fucking me.
mm,and its good.
And its private.
yet... people around me,think that its public.
think that they have the right,to get inside of my head.
to judge,to know
to...understand?
I love its hands..
and its wrong..so wrong for you to want to stand and watch,
...but its right at the same time.
Its so beautiful
I may be looking at something,but you dont know how it feels to me,on the inside.
Underneath my flesh,in the slime and the blood.
against the walls of meat,bouncing upon the DNA streams.
Zapping through sudden flickers of electrochemical brain waves
I may be staring at a teapot,my head may turn,my head may stay still..
I may have this particularly peculiar look on my face,
but my thoughts very well be the total opposite.
If I grin,I may really feel sullen
If I frown,I may be actually content
If I whine,I may not be whining out of pain at all,
but of pleasure..or desire.
to you,i may be a sort of girl.
some sort of girl.
some specific type of girl.
a bitch?
a sweetheart.
a slut.
an innocent.
an honest person,
a liar?
but that doesnt mean that I really am of those things..
because,again..
its perception and perspectives.
Your boyfriend may be Prince romeo to you,
but he may be the most disgustly,vile cad to his ex girlfriend.
Strawberry jam on toast may taste so delcious to you,
but it may taste like a Styrofoam box to your friend.
That small place in the city,may be such a ruckus,
such a burden,a stress, an urban cram to your neighbor.
but It may be the most enjoyable,amusing,interesting place youve ever lived.
If youre my mother,I may be your daughter.
Your stomach would turn at the thought of a mans hands allover me
If youre my brother,I may be your sister,youve never seen a really serious side of me
If youre my teacher,I am your student
We cant talk about masturbation,or how I cant stand organized religion.
but I am me..
in so many different layers.
I am layers.
I am sections.
I am parts,and pieces.
I am fragments and particals
I am everything.
I am a character.
I'm in a movie
the most significant movie of all
this movie: Life.
I'm in a tv show
i'm on a runway
im in a book
im in a painting
A theater
Dramatics
Hysterics
Plots
situations
Conflicts
uprising
resolutions
music,music
costume!
DESIGN.
the best art: Life.
I've been a written girl,
Described facial features
A creative role
Someone made me,
but I made myself.
We both made me.
because,its all about
perception and perspectives.
A strict screen play script
"dont mess up"they say
Do i fall?
I like to fall.
I'm dangerous
I have these...little drugs..
Drugs?
but are they drugs?
I think they are.
Theres my love,as a posion,he is.
my restraints,My punishment. My masochism,and then there are actual pills.
mm..?
And cigarettes.
And wanting to kiss,
And running away.
And being thin.
And Wanting to die,
and drinking apple juice.
And bruises on my body,
and heart shaped sunglasses.
And being rejected,and being hurt.
dirt on my hands,but perfect hair.
red nail polish,and pretty lips.
runny liner,but soft,bare,clean little knees..
watch me.
This world,really is a play.
Its a film.
Watch me.
Feel me.
Let me touch you,brush against you
Let me inside your head,and kiss your thoughts
my actions,
my dysfunctional life
my faults,
my flaws
I'm not special,really.
Yet I completely am.
theres a character in you,too.
Just find it.Embrace it.
I'm a girl you're yet to know.
I'm a girl you may read about,
or maybe not.
I'm a character.
Indirect and direct characterization
your perception
as you read...these..
sentences..
your thoughts of me..
the sensations..
the ideal,and the strange.
who am I...
to you?
A secret mental land?
A powerful perception?
An internal ego?
A private persona?
An inside personality?
A complex identity?
The real you,vs the you that others perceive..hmm?
Youre a character.
I'm a character.
Internally,we are who we are.
Externally,we are who we are.
Period.
Points of views,points of views is what they are.What the world is made of.
Perception,and perspectives.
Internally,We get certain ideas of who we are.
We assume we know ourselves better than anyone else does,
but often times I find myself comparing my own thoughts of who I am
to the information others seem to of gathered of who they think I am..
scrambled words,mixed letters
unorganized,messy,distraught,wild,infinate.
Allover the place.
Sweet and sour stench.A brain fuck.Two at a time.
Internally, I am who I am.
I'm yet to (never) know who I am,
yet I know plenty of myself at the same time.
We can never understand ourselves,completely.
The strive is over,when we're dead.
A sleeping destination.
Thats when you've completed this ...'self research'.
Because,Lets fact it,Theres too much information within to comprehend.
No need to figure this out,let it be..
but i cant help but feel so uncomfortable as I see my own face
reflect from within the pupils of others.
how do you see me?
If I told you who I was,would you even believe me?
would you doubt?
would you laugh?
would you turn away,because you didnt "think" of me that way..
or you just had no idea at all,because of how shy I seem to be?
To look at something..and then suddenly feel ..so ..much.
When I say "feel", I mean,the cognition is extreme and so immense..Mindblowing.breathtaking.Captivating,Stalling.
It effects us all not only mentally,but physically.
It tells us what to do,It plays a huge part on how we feel.
Cognition,connection- to environment.
Cognition,connection- to..clinical dysfunction/biological behavior?
I look at everything,random things,things everywhere.
in the house,outside,in supermarkets,in the bus,on the street..
stop signs,
black top gravel,
the colors inside a book store,
of everything from the different colored spines of the books,and the shapes,the sizes.
the endless,overwhelming text
the bold,the italic..the large,catchy title and
the tiny,aligned overall print of every chapter.
the smell of candles,coffee.
The way that checkout clerk looked at me.
the sound of cars honking,and trunks slamming.
and they all make me...feel.
they touch me..
they play with my hair
and brush against my bare stomach..
lifting my blouse,and kissing my neck.
Do you see?
Can you feel it too?
Dont you see,
the cognition is fucking me.
mm,and its good.
And its private.
yet... people around me,think that its public.
think that they have the right,to get inside of my head.
to judge,to know
to...understand?
I love its hands..
and its wrong..so wrong for you to want to stand and watch,
...but its right at the same time.
Its so beautiful
I may be looking at something,but you dont know how it feels to me,on the inside.
Underneath my flesh,in the slime and the blood.
against the walls of meat,bouncing upon the DNA streams.
Zapping through sudden flickers of electrochemical brain waves
I may be staring at a teapot,my head may turn,my head may stay still..
I may have this particularly peculiar look on my face,
but my thoughts very well be the total opposite.
If I grin,I may really feel sullen
If I frown,I may be actually content
If I whine,I may not be whining out of pain at all,
but of pleasure..or desire.
to you,i may be a sort of girl.
some sort of girl.
some specific type of girl.
a bitch?
a sweetheart.
a slut.
an innocent.
an honest person,
a liar?
but that doesnt mean that I really am of those things..
because,again..
its perception and perspectives.
Your boyfriend may be Prince romeo to you,
but he may be the most disgustly,vile cad to his ex girlfriend.
Strawberry jam on toast may taste so delcious to you,
but it may taste like a Styrofoam box to your friend.
That small place in the city,may be such a ruckus,
such a burden,a stress, an urban cram to your neighbor.
but It may be the most enjoyable,amusing,interesting place youve ever lived.
If youre my mother,I may be your daughter.
Your stomach would turn at the thought of a mans hands allover me
If youre my brother,I may be your sister,youve never seen a really serious side of me
If youre my teacher,I am your student
We cant talk about masturbation,or how I cant stand organized religion.
but I am me..
in so many different layers.
I am layers.
I am sections.
I am parts,and pieces.
I am fragments and particals
I am everything.
I am a character.
I'm in a movie
the most significant movie of all
this movie: Life.
I'm in a tv show
i'm on a runway
im in a book
im in a painting
A theater
Dramatics
Hysterics
Plots
situations
Conflicts
uprising
resolutions
music,music
costume!
DESIGN.
the best art: Life.
I've been a written girl,
Described facial features
A creative role
Someone made me,
but I made myself.
We both made me.
because,its all about
perception and perspectives.
A strict screen play script
"dont mess up"they say
Do i fall?
I like to fall.
I'm dangerous
I have these...little drugs..
Drugs?
but are they drugs?
I think they are.
Theres my love,as a posion,he is.
my restraints,My punishment. My masochism,and then there are actual pills.
mm..?
And cigarettes.
And wanting to kiss,
And running away.
And being thin.
And Wanting to die,
and drinking apple juice.
And bruises on my body,
and heart shaped sunglasses.
And being rejected,and being hurt.
dirt on my hands,but perfect hair.
red nail polish,and pretty lips.
runny liner,but soft,bare,clean little knees..
watch me.
This world,really is a play.
Its a film.
Watch me.
Feel me.
Let me touch you,brush against you
Let me inside your head,and kiss your thoughts
my actions,
my dysfunctional life
my faults,
my flaws
I'm not special,really.
Yet I completely am.
theres a character in you,too.
Just find it.Embrace it.
I'm a girl you're yet to know.
I'm a girl you may read about,
or maybe not.
I'm a character.
Indirect and direct characterization
your perception
as you read...these..
sentences..
your thoughts of me..
the sensations..
the ideal,and the strange.
who am I...
to you?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I'm only human.
Just yesterday,I wrote in conversation to someone over myspace-
(to a lovely lady at that,if shes reading this ;p)
"but I'm only human.
so then once I realize that,I remember how beautiful I am again.
To have strange thoughts,and seemingly negative goals
some would say i'm aiming for destruction,
i dont think so..
i'm not afraid at all."
My head is spinning out of control,
I'm taking on so many different goals and dreams.
So many things I want,
I want to endure, feel,
obtain and fight for.
theres so many different layers.
Simply put, If I wanted to categorize each section of 'goals'
I would say, there would be an emotional and logical.
In the emotional,
I would probably continue to be tied down by a dead and abused 'love',
I would accept pain,and slightly dwell
I would curl up in my bed and never want to get out.
I would wait and wait around forever for someone who may never ever come.
I would punish myself in ways
I would accept different negative thoughts
instead of trying to softly embrace them shortly before replacing them with the better
on the logical side,
I would study alot more and get focused
I would go to college
i would push myself and push myself
i would throw myself out of bed in the morning.
I would get a job,drive,be responsible.
i would save up money in a bank account and not spend it recklessly on clothing or accessories.
i would eat right.
Ethics,and then theres these fucked up desires and fantasies and goals of mine.
Just after recently feeling in the middle of being a completely disgusting,sinful individual and a beautifully flawed,virginal(because of the sin like behavior) human being
[if that makes sense to anyone]
I have a love hate relationship with myself.
I came across this while studying earlier:
Freuds theory assumed that most of what exists in an individuals mind is unconscious and consists of conflicting impulses,urges,and wishes.according to freuds theories,human behavior is aimed at satisfying these desires even though some of them seem socially inappropriate or even unacceptable.but at the same time,people want to see themselves as good and decent human beings,thus,they often are consciously unaware of the real motivations for their behavior.
mm,then I thought.
There probably really isn't such thing as "fucked up" or "normal."
we're ALL tiny pieces of sin,and innocence.
normalcy,and abnormality.
positivity,and negativity
pain and pleasure
the guilty,the pure
the artist,the destroyer
you know?
we're everything in one. how dare I try to judge myself? how dare you try to judge me? how dare I try to judge you?
(to a lovely lady at that,if shes reading this ;p)
"but I'm only human.
so then once I realize that,I remember how beautiful I am again.
To have strange thoughts,and seemingly negative goals
some would say i'm aiming for destruction,
i dont think so..
i'm not afraid at all."
My head is spinning out of control,
I'm taking on so many different goals and dreams.
So many things I want,
I want to endure, feel,
obtain and fight for.
theres so many different layers.
Simply put, If I wanted to categorize each section of 'goals'
I would say, there would be an emotional and logical.
In the emotional,
I would probably continue to be tied down by a dead and abused 'love',
I would accept pain,and slightly dwell
I would curl up in my bed and never want to get out.
I would wait and wait around forever for someone who may never ever come.
I would punish myself in ways
I would accept different negative thoughts
instead of trying to softly embrace them shortly before replacing them with the better
on the logical side,
I would study alot more and get focused
I would go to college
i would push myself and push myself
i would throw myself out of bed in the morning.
I would get a job,drive,be responsible.
i would save up money in a bank account and not spend it recklessly on clothing or accessories.
i would eat right.
Ethics,and then theres these fucked up desires and fantasies and goals of mine.
Just after recently feeling in the middle of being a completely disgusting,sinful individual and a beautifully flawed,virginal(because of the sin like behavior) human being
[if that makes sense to anyone]
I have a love hate relationship with myself.
I came across this while studying earlier:
Freuds theory assumed that most of what exists in an individuals mind is unconscious and consists of conflicting impulses,urges,and wishes.according to freuds theories,human behavior is aimed at satisfying these desires even though some of them seem socially inappropriate or even unacceptable.but at the same time,people want to see themselves as good and decent human beings,thus,they often are consciously unaware of the real motivations for their behavior.
mm,then I thought.
There probably really isn't such thing as "fucked up" or "normal."
we're ALL tiny pieces of sin,and innocence.
normalcy,and abnormality.
positivity,and negativity
pain and pleasure
the guilty,the pure
the artist,the destroyer
you know?
we're everything in one. how dare I try to judge myself? how dare you try to judge me? how dare I try to judge you?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
O bjork,O bjork.Save me from this hell.
Perhaps 'headphones saved her life', Bjork endlessly saves mine.
I wish I had someone to talk to .Someone to relate to.
People dont understand,I think shes the only one who would.
Oh how stereotypically youthful,naive,emo and stubborn I must sound.I know,right?
"teenage angst."*cough* Label as you wish.
In reality?No.not at all. A persons ability to feel,a persons perception and breathtaking,overwhelming cognition should not be measured by the number of years they have existed.
A four year old can endure just as much as a 40 year old.
Its the truth though.
I cant talk to someone without them saying I "Think too much","over analyze" or that i'm the biggest theatrical artist/drama queen on the planet.
Its because I use big words and talk with emotion,and abstract,spatial,neon colored art flying every from my mouth.
I talk and feel at the same time.My words must physically rub against peoples skin or something.
Then theres those assholes who just dont get it at all.
i mean the jerks who mock me,make fun of me,or just cant comprehend me at all,are ONE thing.they are just ignorant,
but the fucking assholes who snap back at whatever beautiful connection I am trying to share with them,really get to me.
The ones who are just completely rude and tear apart any innocence I gently hand to them.
They dont deserve such a gift.
Bjork,
Bjork,bjork.
My love.
Read this pitiful post of mine,and contact me.
Ahaha
no,but seriously.
She is one of like 2 or 3 artists/ HUMAN BEINGS in this entire universe who I feel like i can relate too.
someone I know who understands.Somewhere whos beauty and intact innocence is so rare,stealing my breath away.
I have this beautiful feeling in the pit of my stomach,
a have this pulsating ache,this needy stimulation and powerful vibration in the palms of my nerous hands.. Dying to create something,a creation screaming to be born.
I need to share this with someone,
what is love,without human connection?
what is beauty,without human connection?
I wish I had someone to talk to .Someone to relate to.
People dont understand,I think shes the only one who would.
Oh how stereotypically youthful,naive,emo and stubborn I must sound.I know,right?
"teenage angst."*cough* Label as you wish.
In reality?No.not at all. A persons ability to feel,a persons perception and breathtaking,overwhelming cognition should not be measured by the number of years they have existed.
A four year old can endure just as much as a 40 year old.
Its the truth though.
I cant talk to someone without them saying I "Think too much","over analyze" or that i'm the biggest theatrical artist/drama queen on the planet.
Its because I use big words and talk with emotion,and abstract,spatial,neon colored art flying every from my mouth.
I talk and feel at the same time.My words must physically rub against peoples skin or something.
Then theres those assholes who just dont get it at all.
i mean the jerks who mock me,make fun of me,or just cant comprehend me at all,are ONE thing.they are just ignorant,
but the fucking assholes who snap back at whatever beautiful connection I am trying to share with them,really get to me.
The ones who are just completely rude and tear apart any innocence I gently hand to them.
They dont deserve such a gift.
Bjork,
Bjork,bjork.
My love.
Read this pitiful post of mine,and contact me.
Ahaha
no,but seriously.
She is one of like 2 or 3 artists/ HUMAN BEINGS in this entire universe who I feel like i can relate too.
someone I know who understands.Somewhere whos beauty and intact innocence is so rare,stealing my breath away.
I have this beautiful feeling in the pit of my stomach,
a have this pulsating ache,this needy stimulation and powerful vibration in the palms of my nerous hands.. Dying to create something,a creation screaming to be born.
I need to share this with someone,
what is love,without human connection?
what is beauty,without human connection?
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I want to.
I told him to run away with me.
I said I wanted to live somewhere pretty,in the countryside.
Just me and you.thats all we need.
Life is all about love. That is the reason of life,I believe.
Theres pain to endure,
but why do we endure it?
because of pain? no.theres more to pain,
theres love,and light.
Without love,there is no life.
Drop your gun.
Forget your drink.
take my hand,and run away with me.
I'm not scared,
you shouldnt be either.
Dont fear the world,its none to fear
youre the only one who scares me every now and then
and i'm sure I scare you sometimes too,but its all just in your head.
I told him to run away with me.
We could leave as soon as possible,please?
A roadtrip to an unknown destination
We can listen to fleetwood mac while driving through deserts and forests,
farmland and endless plains
off of the grid,the greedy,grabby hands of this piggish society.
If the government was a man (not that it isnt) but a man,in flesh and physical form,
standing tall,in a handsome tux,clean cut face and romantic eyes,
I would see right through his devilish thought and cheat him because of his gluttonous ways.
I'd never cheat on you,though.
you know i wouldnt. i love you,remember?
I told him to take me away,forever.
We can throw out the television,and lay in bed allday.
I would kiss your face
I would run my hands gently over your cheek,and rest it on your chin
you can pause your finger by my lip
i'll kiss it
thats not all that i'll kiss
i was feeling all needy,and scared and romantic
"run away with me." I said.
and then he went back to playing his 'sims'.
I said I wanted to live somewhere pretty,in the countryside.
Just me and you.thats all we need.
Life is all about love. That is the reason of life,I believe.
Theres pain to endure,
but why do we endure it?
because of pain? no.theres more to pain,
theres love,and light.
Without love,there is no life.
Drop your gun.
Forget your drink.
take my hand,and run away with me.
I'm not scared,
you shouldnt be either.
Dont fear the world,its none to fear
youre the only one who scares me every now and then
and i'm sure I scare you sometimes too,but its all just in your head.
I told him to run away with me.
We could leave as soon as possible,please?
A roadtrip to an unknown destination
We can listen to fleetwood mac while driving through deserts and forests,
farmland and endless plains
off of the grid,the greedy,grabby hands of this piggish society.
If the government was a man (not that it isnt) but a man,in flesh and physical form,
standing tall,in a handsome tux,clean cut face and romantic eyes,
I would see right through his devilish thought and cheat him because of his gluttonous ways.
I'd never cheat on you,though.
you know i wouldnt. i love you,remember?
I told him to take me away,forever.
We can throw out the television,and lay in bed allday.
I would kiss your face
I would run my hands gently over your cheek,and rest it on your chin
you can pause your finger by my lip
i'll kiss it
thats not all that i'll kiss
i was feeling all needy,and scared and romantic
"run away with me." I said.
and then he went back to playing his 'sims'.
Books to purchase.
Just lovely,yes?
I want a job at
Barnes and Noble so bad,but i'm afraid i'd get caught browsing allday. :P hmmph.
Friday, January 30, 2009
2009 Materialism: My wishlist.
I NEVER do this, ..
for one, I think there are alot more important things out there in the universe and alot more meaningful,conceptual,beautiful things to blog about before clothing or simple tangible items.
I feel like theres such a great power out there,in the centered pit of the universe. Its emotional,Its mental,Its an energy. Sometimes I even feel like its PHYSICAL.
Alot of girls are side tracked with false eyelashes,expensive pumps and play boy covers,They forget the actual beauty of life.. The materiallism pulls them away like a shallow wind, deceiving them from ever reaching that perfect,beautiful internal "pit".
I feel like Fashion is beautiful,but theres too many people out there who are unable to think past it.
Theres not enough metaphorical,spiritual beauty out there or bloggers who discuss deeper thoughts or more emotional perceptions.
BUT,I'm making an exception this time because I have come across so many adorable clothing pieces, And I cant keep track. So I think it would be cute to express it on here,and also easier for me to remember the websites they were on,so when it comes down to ordering them,I can actually do so :P
My relationship with fashion:
I like to consider myself an actress in many ways. An actress, in a way so non typical or litteral.
I take on different roles,I place myself in many different shoes (litterally) haha And fashion is something that I really consider to be an infinate sea for me to dive into. Role playing, Being theatrical but genuine and emotional at the same time with my clothing. Its an art.
Ultimate motto: I'd rather be 'NO WAY' instead of One way. I'm not just a few things, I'm everything. I really dislike when people limit themselves to different fashions,or only stick to a few basic styles.
Fashion is becoming more and more of my life.
So, Here are a mixture of some vegan pieces my mom had found for me.
'Beautiful Hippie Looks':
Everyone loves an echo friendly,people loving,animal adoring vegan bi polar girl. AHahaha.
These pieces can all be mixed and matched together.
HEADBANDS
SHOES
JEWELRY
TIGHTS
CLOTHING
'CUTE BUT TRUTHFUL PETA APPAREL':
TEES
PETA PINS FOR MY PURSE
All items from mixture of following websites:
urbanoutfitters.com
hippieshop.com
petacatalog.com
maccosmetics.com
http://www.alternativeoutfitters.com
for one, I think there are alot more important things out there in the universe and alot more meaningful,conceptual,beautiful things to blog about before clothing or simple tangible items.
I feel like theres such a great power out there,in the centered pit of the universe. Its emotional,Its mental,Its an energy. Sometimes I even feel like its PHYSICAL.
Alot of girls are side tracked with false eyelashes,expensive pumps and play boy covers,They forget the actual beauty of life.. The materiallism pulls them away like a shallow wind, deceiving them from ever reaching that perfect,beautiful internal "pit".
I feel like Fashion is beautiful,but theres too many people out there who are unable to think past it.
Theres not enough metaphorical,spiritual beauty out there or bloggers who discuss deeper thoughts or more emotional perceptions.
BUT,I'm making an exception this time because I have come across so many adorable clothing pieces, And I cant keep track. So I think it would be cute to express it on here,and also easier for me to remember the websites they were on,so when it comes down to ordering them,I can actually do so :P
My relationship with fashion:
I like to consider myself an actress in many ways. An actress, in a way so non typical or litteral.
I take on different roles,I place myself in many different shoes (litterally) haha And fashion is something that I really consider to be an infinate sea for me to dive into. Role playing, Being theatrical but genuine and emotional at the same time with my clothing. Its an art.
Ultimate motto: I'd rather be 'NO WAY' instead of One way. I'm not just a few things, I'm everything. I really dislike when people limit themselves to different fashions,or only stick to a few basic styles.
Fashion is becoming more and more of my life.
Signature style: Pretty textures,and popping patterns. PLAID,PLAID,PLAID.I can never get enough plaid.Mens neck ties,knee high socks,berets and mary janes. Heart shaped sunglasses, saddle shoes, Mod collared mini dresses,deep& rich colors that contrast with the lightness of my hair.
Your clothing expresses who you are on the inside. Some people forget that,others simply overflow and exhaggerate the trunk of expression by taking it to a whole other level. By doing so,they succumb to letting it get to their heads and overpower their lives. Fashion shouldnt be abused by being used as a shallow tool. Its more than that.Its pieces of our souls,its artwork.
So, Here are a mixture of some vegan pieces my mom had found for me.
'Beautiful Hippie Looks':
Everyone loves an echo friendly,people loving,animal adoring vegan bi polar girl. AHahaha.
These pieces can all be mixed and matched together.
HEADBANDS
SHOES
JEWELRY
TIGHTS
CLOTHING
'CUTE BUT TRUTHFUL PETA APPAREL':
TEES
PETA PINS FOR MY PURSE
All items from mixture of following websites:
urbanoutfitters.com
hippieshop.com
petacatalog.com
maccosmetics.com
http://www.alternativeoutfitters.com
My Vegan Life so far..
I was in a rush when writing this.i just needed to get it all down into words,I havent written anything really in a while and I Feel like i'm going to explode.
AS i came to the end of this entry,I realized I wasnt even done yet.I havent even began to touch up on what I was initially trying to point out or express ..so sometime later,when I have more time,I Will add more and hopefully finish what still burns inside of me.
I'm trying to get my life together. I'm trying to cleanse myself. I'm desperately trying to scrape out all of the bad in my life,and replace it with the good. From food,to fashion,to overall internal emotion and universal perception.
Filtering out the dirt and filth from my life.
Washing away all the muck and grime.
All this corruption,negativity,and brainwashing scum.
All of what we've ever known,seems so evil to me.
Ive tried to look at it differently,but no matter how you twist it,it still remains.
Ive realized,sometimes you cant just try to look at a certain situation differently,and then be ok with it..
sometimes you have to actually get out there,and physically,spiritually remove it and replace it with the better good.
At first,This may seem difficult,to nearly impossible to others,sometimes even to myself.
Later on in,it may still even seem difficult to nearly impossible,
and Perhaps even years down the road it may still seem humanly ignorant,naive,stupid,queerly childish,and still IMPOSSIBLE.
Frankly: "retarded." or "dumb" of me to ever think about attempting to succeed or striving to obtain and reach.
Why is it so hard to do these things?
Why is it so hard to stop eating meat?
Why is it so hard to stop eating dairy?
Why is it so hard to stop purchasing leather,Wool,or fur? (Theoretically and hypothetically speaking. Because I personally have never purchased any of the few)
Why is it so hard to cut out television from our lives?
Why is it so hard to stop consuming products that were tested on animals?
WHY? because its ALL We've ever known.
So of COURSE,its going to be difficult and intimidating to break away from it,at first.
When we,as Americans, As human beings,are raised a certain way,in a certain strict environment for such a long time..(not even necessarily specifically an AMERICAN or strict environmental thing,just using that example for myself)
Its like learning a whole other language
or learning to walk again,
except this time..its not walking,but its running..or FLYING!
Smudging the rules,
mixing up the books
taking away whatever spiritual law that was laid down for us to "follow" even when our hearts tell us otherwise.
When we are around certain things for a long time,
Soaking in the essence and concept of the habits
Going along with mechanical,daily routines
of what to wear
what to eat
what to purchase
what to watch on tv
...
it gets to you.
really.
it starts to almost penetrate your brain cells,at least seeping deep inside until our thinking and reasoning processes are altered to those around us,all due to cloned,stern daily cognition. You see something,it gets inside of u,and in a way,its an actual brainwashing process! ha
At least I believe so.
Forgive my innocence for not having the proper terms for this:-
but its like when you go to stores,and people Try to sell you things.
I cant go into a mall without people taking my wrists and softly pulling me over to fucking carts to try to sell me things.
forcing themselves upon me.
Then you have the media,
those superficial messages sending about our childrens ears.
The sexuality,(sex is a beautiful thing,dont get me wrong.When youre in love. Not when youre on some Bret Michael show,showing your tits every five minutes and probably fucking him off air.)
So I guess 'SEXUALITY' should not be the correct term to use,because i'm NOT agaisnt sex,dont get me wrong.
its just 'PROMISCUITY' that I have a problem with.
Then you have the violence as well.
My point is,these seem to all be brainwashing tools.
Also,thoughts of never changing certain ways of the world.
Thoughts of ONLY keeping the beliefs we all NOW live in.
LIMITING ourselves with shallow opinions of whats right and whats wrong.
never challenging the future,
never researching,experiencing,experimenting,or going out there to find the "NEW".
Never throwing away the "OLD".
Obviously,I am metaphorically speaking.
I do not mean throw out your old jeans and buy new ones ha.
I'm saying,
forget those vintage ethics,and go get yourself a whole new way of Life,A fresh state of mind.
Stop thinking like others,and think like YOURSELF instead.
get your head out of your parents,or friends,or work buddies
and listen to the voice within yourself.
Even if people say youre wrong.
IT doesnt mean your wrong.
WHOS to say?GOD? maybe.
So,until you and god have a talk,
no one else should matter.
Their opinions should slip off your skin as if it was fucking baby silk.
I'm really sick of people sticking to the way the world is,and never looking,thinking,feeling,or tasting outside of the box,or out of the safe zone.
what IF everything you know and have ever known is WRONG?WAS WRONG all along?
I think people are scared to death of realizing that.
I guess its not a matter of realization,but Just getting out there and seeking whats BEYOND.
NO need for closure.
Life isnt a letter,stamped and sealed waiting for another one to be written.
I guess you can say,
Life is like photoshop :P
No need to completely erase and leave bare.
Take what you have,and Draw over it.Edit,alter,Create.
W'ere all artists.
No need to fear.
No need to hate.
Keep focused,And lose our way..
Everything is good.
I've been studying alot about the great originations of the important psychologists of the world.
People who have discovered.
People who have felt.
People who have challenged,questioned,argued and battled.
People who stepped out side of the box.
People who searched,and searched without officially seeking,(because I personally think the human brain is a science that will NEVER be 100% exact or accurate with even the GREATEST research,or depth in study.
THEORIES, THEORIES are what they are.
I give these men props.
Not For necessarily disagreeing, but for feeling.
Feeling that there is another way,
that this isnt the only way,
that its not THE way
but that there possibly is more out there.
More Facts.
then again,not really 'facts'
since fact always battles fact,
and both of them cannot be correct
doesnt that leave with two opinions?
I question things. I Dont agree.I feel beyond.I'm open to possibilities.
I want to have my own theory.
Maybe I already do now.
Maybe someday I Will have a PHD and you'll see my theory or way of life written on paper.ha
Then people wouldnt tell me i'm crazy.
ha...
I DO have Einstein hair in the morning,after I roll out of bed. ;p
but moving on-
(nice to joke between the seriousness of it all)
Its hard to stand strong with your own beliefs.
Its hard to keep your own voice loud and out there,when almost EVERY SINGLE person you know,thinks otherwise and constantly tells you you are wrong and you need to change.
People constantly put the way of how things "have been" down my throat,trying to convince me that the "has been" always "Should be" and "Will be".
FUCK . NO.
That isnt the case at all.
Its hard for us to move on and make our own lives,when the world around us seems to be swallowing us whole.
You know,i'm not even going to blame the beautiful mother.ITs not the earths fault.
Its the people that live upon.
I have all the facts I need.
I have all the knowledge.
I spend hours researching,writing down notes after notes after note.
Now,After gathering the information,
its all about actually changing my life.
I have the content all on paper,
i just have to bring it to life.
its really not as hard as people think..
Being vegan,especially.
Most of what "normal " people eat is complete shit anyway.
AS i came to the end of this entry,I realized I wasnt even done yet.I havent even began to touch up on what I was initially trying to point out or express ..so sometime later,when I have more time,I Will add more and hopefully finish what still burns inside of me.
I'm trying to get my life together. I'm trying to cleanse myself. I'm desperately trying to scrape out all of the bad in my life,and replace it with the good. From food,to fashion,to overall internal emotion and universal perception.
Filtering out the dirt and filth from my life.
Washing away all the muck and grime.
All this corruption,negativity,and brainwashing scum.
All of what we've ever known,seems so evil to me.
Ive tried to look at it differently,but no matter how you twist it,it still remains.
Ive realized,sometimes you cant just try to look at a certain situation differently,and then be ok with it..
sometimes you have to actually get out there,and physically,spiritually remove it and replace it with the better good.
At first,This may seem difficult,to nearly impossible to others,sometimes even to myself.
Later on in,it may still even seem difficult to nearly impossible,
and Perhaps even years down the road it may still seem humanly ignorant,naive,stupid,queerly childish,and still IMPOSSIBLE.
Frankly: "retarded." or "dumb" of me to ever think about attempting to succeed or striving to obtain and reach.
Why is it so hard to do these things?
Why is it so hard to stop eating meat?
Why is it so hard to stop eating dairy?
Why is it so hard to stop purchasing leather,Wool,or fur? (Theoretically and hypothetically speaking. Because I personally have never purchased any of the few)
Why is it so hard to cut out television from our lives?
Why is it so hard to stop consuming products that were tested on animals?
WHY? because its ALL We've ever known.
So of COURSE,its going to be difficult and intimidating to break away from it,at first.
When we,as Americans, As human beings,are raised a certain way,in a certain strict environment for such a long time..(not even necessarily specifically an AMERICAN or strict environmental thing,just using that example for myself)
Its like learning a whole other language
or learning to walk again,
except this time..its not walking,but its running..or FLYING!
Smudging the rules,
mixing up the books
taking away whatever spiritual law that was laid down for us to "follow" even when our hearts tell us otherwise.
When we are around certain things for a long time,
Soaking in the essence and concept of the habits
Going along with mechanical,daily routines
of what to wear
what to eat
what to purchase
what to watch on tv
...
it gets to you.
really.
it starts to almost penetrate your brain cells,at least seeping deep inside until our thinking and reasoning processes are altered to those around us,all due to cloned,stern daily cognition. You see something,it gets inside of u,and in a way,its an actual brainwashing process! ha
At least I believe so.
Forgive my innocence for not having the proper terms for this:-
but its like when you go to stores,and people Try to sell you things.
I cant go into a mall without people taking my wrists and softly pulling me over to fucking carts to try to sell me things.
forcing themselves upon me.
Then you have the media,
those superficial messages sending about our childrens ears.
The sexuality,(sex is a beautiful thing,dont get me wrong.When youre in love. Not when youre on some Bret Michael show,showing your tits every five minutes and probably fucking him off air.)
So I guess 'SEXUALITY' should not be the correct term to use,because i'm NOT agaisnt sex,dont get me wrong.
its just 'PROMISCUITY' that I have a problem with.
Then you have the violence as well.
My point is,these seem to all be brainwashing tools.
Also,thoughts of never changing certain ways of the world.
Thoughts of ONLY keeping the beliefs we all NOW live in.
LIMITING ourselves with shallow opinions of whats right and whats wrong.
never challenging the future,
never researching,experiencing,experimenting,or going out there to find the "NEW".
Never throwing away the "OLD".
Obviously,I am metaphorically speaking.
I do not mean throw out your old jeans and buy new ones ha.
I'm saying,
forget those vintage ethics,and go get yourself a whole new way of Life,A fresh state of mind.
Stop thinking like others,and think like YOURSELF instead.
get your head out of your parents,or friends,or work buddies
and listen to the voice within yourself.
Even if people say youre wrong.
IT doesnt mean your wrong.
WHOS to say?GOD? maybe.
So,until you and god have a talk,
no one else should matter.
Their opinions should slip off your skin as if it was fucking baby silk.
I'm really sick of people sticking to the way the world is,and never looking,thinking,feeling,or tasting outside of the box,or out of the safe zone.
what IF everything you know and have ever known is WRONG?WAS WRONG all along?
I think people are scared to death of realizing that.
I guess its not a matter of realization,but Just getting out there and seeking whats BEYOND.
NO need for closure.
Life isnt a letter,stamped and sealed waiting for another one to be written.
I guess you can say,
Life is like photoshop :P
No need to completely erase and leave bare.
Take what you have,and Draw over it.Edit,alter,Create.
W'ere all artists.
No need to fear.
No need to hate.
Keep focused,And lose our way..
Everything is good.
I've been studying alot about the great originations of the important psychologists of the world.
People who have discovered.
People who have felt.
People who have challenged,questioned,argued and battled.
People who stepped out side of the box.
People who searched,and searched without officially seeking,(because I personally think the human brain is a science that will NEVER be 100% exact or accurate with even the GREATEST research,or depth in study.
THEORIES, THEORIES are what they are.
I give these men props.
Not For necessarily disagreeing, but for feeling.
Feeling that there is another way,
that this isnt the only way,
that its not THE way
but that there possibly is more out there.
More Facts.
then again,not really 'facts'
since fact always battles fact,
and both of them cannot be correct
doesnt that leave with two opinions?
I question things. I Dont agree.I feel beyond.I'm open to possibilities.
I want to have my own theory.
Maybe I already do now.
Maybe someday I Will have a PHD and you'll see my theory or way of life written on paper.ha
Then people wouldnt tell me i'm crazy.
ha...
I DO have Einstein hair in the morning,after I roll out of bed. ;p
but moving on-
(nice to joke between the seriousness of it all)
Its hard to stand strong with your own beliefs.
Its hard to keep your own voice loud and out there,when almost EVERY SINGLE person you know,thinks otherwise and constantly tells you you are wrong and you need to change.
People constantly put the way of how things "have been" down my throat,trying to convince me that the "has been" always "Should be" and "Will be".
FUCK . NO.
That isnt the case at all.
Its hard for us to move on and make our own lives,when the world around us seems to be swallowing us whole.
You know,i'm not even going to blame the beautiful mother.ITs not the earths fault.
Its the people that live upon.
I have all the facts I need.
I have all the knowledge.
I spend hours researching,writing down notes after notes after note.
Now,After gathering the information,
its all about actually changing my life.
I have the content all on paper,
i just have to bring it to life.
its really not as hard as people think..
Being vegan,especially.
Most of what "normal " people eat is complete shit anyway.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
So I guess my brain must strictly be right sided,then.
- Left Hemisphere:
-
Communicates by using words, has highly developed verbal abilities, is logical and systematic, concerned with matters as they are.
- Right Hemisphere:
-
Communicates using images (pictures), has highly developed spatial abilities, is intuitive and imaginative, concerned with emotions and feelings.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Shallow people.
Why is it so hard to comprehend?
Why is love so easy to mock?
Why should it be pathetic to feel vulnerable and ruined all because of another human being?
Why is it shunned to be completely impacted and controlled by anothers words?
Is it flaw? a beautiful flaw.We're human.
be strong,and broken. get on your feet,and fall ontop of him again.
why is it so hard to comprehend?
Why wouldnt love be something to die because of?
Why is it pitiful?
Is it a flaw?
its a beautiful thing.
Its a powerful thing.
to be ruined by another..
I dont see any problem with revolving ur life around anothers life.
with being completely selfless.
with just wanting to make them happy,
yet wanting them to make u happy in return..and if it doesnt work,
why should it be pathetic to cry?
Life is so short.
We're so short.
youre so shallow,for thinking its not beautiful
to be broken down by another breathing,feeling,living human being
all for love.
all we have in life,is love.
something i'd die for.
I dont know about you.
something i'd kill for.
I dont know about you.
Something I'd tear myself apart for.
Why is love so easy to mock?
Why should it be pathetic to feel vulnerable and ruined all because of another human being?
Why is it shunned to be completely impacted and controlled by anothers words?
Is it flaw? a beautiful flaw.We're human.
be strong,and broken. get on your feet,and fall ontop of him again.
why is it so hard to comprehend?
Why wouldnt love be something to die because of?
Why is it pitiful?
Is it a flaw?
its a beautiful thing.
Its a powerful thing.
to be ruined by another..
I dont see any problem with revolving ur life around anothers life.
with being completely selfless.
with just wanting to make them happy,
yet wanting them to make u happy in return..and if it doesnt work,
why should it be pathetic to cry?
Life is so short.
We're so short.
youre so shallow,for thinking its not beautiful
to be broken down by another breathing,feeling,living human being
all for love.
all we have in life,is love.
something i'd die for.
I dont know about you.
something i'd kill for.
I dont know about you.
Something I'd tear myself apart for.
Monday, January 26, 2009
It all started,
as I was not your first..
how can I cleanse the filth of this world?
How can I mend the dirt of this universe?
how can I wash away all the perversion before me,
how can I clear my mind of thought where youre laying..
laying upon another sheep
So much disgust
So much infection
so much tattered,rugged,rusted innocence
where is the innocence?
no one is innocent anymore
I wish I could kiss you
I wish i could smile like you tell me too
even if youre nice to me,
its hard to forget
cant clear my mind of thought where youre laying..
laying upon another sheep
as I was not your first..
how can I cleanse the filth of this world?
How can I mend the dirt of this universe?
how can I wash away all the perversion before me,
how can I clear my mind of thought where youre laying..
laying upon another sheep
So much disgust
So much infection
so much tattered,rugged,rusted innocence
where is the innocence?
no one is innocent anymore
I wish I could kiss you
I wish i could smile like you tell me too
even if youre nice to me,
its hard to forget
cant clear my mind of thought where youre laying..
laying upon another sheep
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Floating in the sky..
My thoughts change every other hour..sometimes every half hour,
when the rapidness is vicious,its every other 5 minutes.
I feel dark but light at the same time
happy but sad
I'm flying in water,
floating in the sky
its so black here
but its so white
Unsafe,and secure
lets just leave this place.
when the rapidness is vicious,its every other 5 minutes.
I feel dark but light at the same time
happy but sad
I'm flying in water,
floating in the sky
its so black here
but its so white
Unsafe,and secure
lets just leave this place.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Birds dont always have to have wings.Cars dont always have to have wheels.
Everything we know,
everything we've ever known
and everything we are yet to know..
why is it this way?
why do things remain as this?
How did they become this?
Why cant we change it?
Or...Can we change it?
I want to change it.
I'm sick of the rules.
I'm sick of the fear,
i'm sick of the authority.
I'm sick of the control.
This world is free,and wild
No matter what country you sit in
everything should be bare,and natural
Life should be blind,and open
innocent and willing
fly,if you want to.
Sleep all day,and stand all night if you wish to.
Everything you've ever known
everything the world has been said to be
however you've comprehended it
i want to alter this
change it up
reverse it
scribble over it
erase it
correct it
I dont like to say into "my" way..
but into a way
so unlikely
virgin,and delicate
Something non corrupted
for the fact that people will consider corruption,pure
And whatever I feel will no longer be labeled
confusion will be clarity
and complexity will be simplicity
because we will never jump to conclusion
nor will the vile mist of assumption fog our way
and sometimes Sins wont be sins
People wouldnt be stereotyped
we'd look at the feeling,instead of merely at the person
we'd remember "human" and not perfection.
I would be able to fuck u on a local bus,
and none of us would get caught.
I always felt as if my mind was at least 10 years older than my body.
Someday,hopefully,it will catch up with me.
I battle two sides to everything
the way I am,
and the way they think i'm supposed to be.
A child,a woman
An adult,A baby.
Lust,and love
and thoughts of love,and aches of lust
Cycles that kids go through,and yet phases that ages beyond,endure
I go through puberty and menopause at the same time.
Why is everyone the same lately?
Why are lyrics in songs so typical that I can guess what they will next say?
Why do girls all dress the same?
Why do adults go about things the same way?
Why does every mind think alike?
Even their unique and distinct self qualities bare
such sharp similarity
Everything we know..
everything we've ever known..
and everything we are yet to know,
i'm going to change.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
What I dont understand.
Sometimes good minds get bad grades.
Its been a bit since I last blogged.
I just got home last night,
This will probably be an aimless ramble,but oh well.
Ive been learning alot more about life,
with everyday that passes..
something more is understood..
Something else is taken in.
Another struggle,nurtured
Just as another agony and hardship is succumbed to.
But sometimes I just cant grasp certain knowledge.
Tiny particles,to overwhelming moments.
I get scared because alot of people seem like cloned sheep.
Looking at me,saying things..
expecting me to nod in agreement,but I Dont..
I dont see any logic in what they say..
there is no BEAUTY in what they say..
it doesnt even make any sense.
I want to interrupt and voice my view,
I raise my hand and voice how wrong they are
but then they would all quickly turn to me,
with an evil stare and take me away
and then I look at him,and he seems ok..
Like its all alright
but It troubles me,really
I Wish he knew the headache I have
because of every face that passes me by
and every number im forced to memorize
so much up and down,
left and right
colors,shades
black and white
I can almost guess what they will next say,in daily conversation..
and I'm almost 98& correct when it comes to assuming their outlook or perception on certain things. Certain things that have to do with me,at least.
I dont judge,
I observe
and I turn my head back and forth,
taking notes
and feeling sad,feeling happy
no dinner,but a show
this life is so amusing.
Everyone is a character
Every line
Every play
But what I cant understand,
has nothing to do with my place
My personality
or age
I just feel this way
When I feel sad,I cant help it
when I cry,I cant help it.
I dont WANT to cry,
It just happens
When I'm envious,or nervous and worried..
It just comes to me,I have to feel it..
I feel it in my body,
Physically,it bleeds through me
Its not something that ticks at the door,waiting for me to open
Though I admit staring pain in the eyes and politely imposing it to have a seat.
I guess its natural.
I'll always have this to me,
hopefully..maybe..
I dont want to be another sheep.
Its an innocence.
I'm sorry you lost yours.
Dont tell me it will go away with age,
then i'd be as vile as the guy sitting across from me on the train.
And,Why do we focus on certain things,that we shouldn't focus on?
Why do we follow so many rules,
Well,What I'm saying..probably wont make any sense,
Nothing does.
Its a wonderland,of falling clocks and top hats on our feet..
walking upside down and eating tea.
Why do i have to follow rules?
Why do I have to wait?
why cant we just run away?
I know there needs to be law,because law brings balance.
Without law,there would be havoc..
well,More havoc than there already is,I suppose..At least.
more dysfunction.
But I wont go do drugs
or take off my clothes
I wont prostitute
or murder someone
I wont drink alot of alcohol
and get a DUI
I wont steal an apple
or pick a fight
so Why cant I have this love?
I dont understand
I'm not trying to hurt anyone
not you
not my mother
not god
not even myself
I just want smiles and warmth
so why do they all judge me
why would anyone judge us?
They dont understand.
I dont understand,because they cant understand.
why we focus on trying to prevent kissing
and try to protect people from happiness
we should live as we wish,
even make mistakes
to learn again
because I know i'm not entirely careful
and thats what makes me so pretty.
Its been a bit since I last blogged.
I just got home last night,
This will probably be an aimless ramble,but oh well.
Ive been learning alot more about life,
with everyday that passes..
something more is understood..
Something else is taken in.
Another struggle,nurtured
Just as another agony and hardship is succumbed to.
But sometimes I just cant grasp certain knowledge.
Tiny particles,to overwhelming moments.
I get scared because alot of people seem like cloned sheep.
Looking at me,saying things..
expecting me to nod in agreement,but I Dont..
I dont see any logic in what they say..
there is no BEAUTY in what they say..
it doesnt even make any sense.
I want to interrupt and voice my view,
I raise my hand and voice how wrong they are
but then they would all quickly turn to me,
with an evil stare and take me away
and then I look at him,and he seems ok..
Like its all alright
but It troubles me,really
I Wish he knew the headache I have
because of every face that passes me by
and every number im forced to memorize
so much up and down,
left and right
colors,shades
black and white
I can almost guess what they will next say,in daily conversation..
and I'm almost 98& correct when it comes to assuming their outlook or perception on certain things. Certain things that have to do with me,at least.
I dont judge,
I observe
and I turn my head back and forth,
taking notes
and feeling sad,feeling happy
no dinner,but a show
this life is so amusing.
Everyone is a character
Every line
Every play
But what I cant understand,
has nothing to do with my place
My personality
or age
I just feel this way
When I feel sad,I cant help it
when I cry,I cant help it.
I dont WANT to cry,
It just happens
When I'm envious,or nervous and worried..
It just comes to me,I have to feel it..
I feel it in my body,
Physically,it bleeds through me
Its not something that ticks at the door,waiting for me to open
Though I admit staring pain in the eyes and politely imposing it to have a seat.
I guess its natural.
I'll always have this to me,
hopefully..maybe..
I dont want to be another sheep.
Its an innocence.
I'm sorry you lost yours.
Dont tell me it will go away with age,
then i'd be as vile as the guy sitting across from me on the train.
And,Why do we focus on certain things,that we shouldn't focus on?
Why do we follow so many rules,
Well,What I'm saying..probably wont make any sense,
Nothing does.
Its a wonderland,of falling clocks and top hats on our feet..
walking upside down and eating tea.
Why do i have to follow rules?
Why do I have to wait?
why cant we just run away?
I know there needs to be law,because law brings balance.
Without law,there would be havoc..
well,More havoc than there already is,I suppose..At least.
more dysfunction.
But I wont go do drugs
or take off my clothes
I wont prostitute
or murder someone
I wont drink alot of alcohol
and get a DUI
I wont steal an apple
or pick a fight
so Why cant I have this love?
I dont understand
I'm not trying to hurt anyone
not you
not my mother
not god
not even myself
I just want smiles and warmth
so why do they all judge me
why would anyone judge us?
They dont understand.
I dont understand,because they cant understand.
why we focus on trying to prevent kissing
and try to protect people from happiness
we should live as we wish,
even make mistakes
to learn again
because I know i'm not entirely careful
and thats what makes me so pretty.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Back home.
Forget the "Finally" part. Some people say.."FINALLY" back home..
But screw that.
But screw that.
As soon as the car pulled me toward the gates ahead..
those gates which surround the prison,tall
cold and grey
sharp and vindictive
sadistic tipped teeth
I felt your breath on my neck,...melt away..
As soon as my eyes met
into that unwanted romantic embrace
between me and
The Fenced in hell,where I sleep
so unluckily,am I unlucky
I felt your touch blow away..
I hate this place,
where I bathe and eat
I'd run away
If I had just a dime to my name
to you,i'd run
you know It wouldnt be any other way
as soon as I dropped my backpack,
I heard my moans soften until they were gone completely
Suddenly an overcast of dark..
a dead shadow, hovered over my sore soul
warn down body,
and pill scarred throat
as soon as I collapsed into my bed
as soon as reality hinted that I was alone
my craving lips
and aching thighs
I almost cried.
The evil seeped in,so deep that I wanted to yelp
Remembering it was only a second that i was away
forth heaven,you are
even if its just a second long
Now to return to this..
I'm scared that I will soon forget
forget so many pretty things
the warmth that burned inside my chest
the way your fingertips stained my face
I'm scared that I'll forget
the way you look
the way you feel
the way you smell
the way you taste
i'm scared that i'll forget
the cracks and flesh indentations in your hand
the begging silence in your eyes
the forceful weight of your body
the wetness of your mouth
everything and anything,you've ever looked at
with your heart
with your head
Even with that thing in your pants.
to you,i'd give up my name
to you,i'd hand more of my innocence
my aching thighs and craving lips
are you scared that you'll forget?
the way I look?
The way I feel?
The way I smell?
The way I taste?
I'll never forget you.
Youre in me,forever..now.
those gates which surround the prison,tall
cold and grey
sharp and vindictive
sadistic tipped teeth
I felt your breath on my neck,...melt away..
As soon as my eyes met
into that unwanted romantic embrace
between me and
The Fenced in hell,where I sleep
so unluckily,am I unlucky
I felt your touch blow away..
I hate this place,
where I bathe and eat
I'd run away
If I had just a dime to my name
to you,i'd run
you know It wouldnt be any other way
as soon as I dropped my backpack,
I heard my moans soften until they were gone completely
Suddenly an overcast of dark..
a dead shadow, hovered over my sore soul
warn down body,
and pill scarred throat
as soon as I collapsed into my bed
as soon as reality hinted that I was alone
my craving lips
and aching thighs
I almost cried.
The evil seeped in,so deep that I wanted to yelp
Remembering it was only a second that i was away
forth heaven,you are
even if its just a second long
Now to return to this..
I'm scared that I will soon forget
forget so many pretty things
the warmth that burned inside my chest
the way your fingertips stained my face
I'm scared that I'll forget
the way you look
the way you feel
the way you smell
the way you taste
i'm scared that i'll forget
the cracks and flesh indentations in your hand
the begging silence in your eyes
the forceful weight of your body
the wetness of your mouth
everything and anything,you've ever looked at
with your heart
with your head
Even with that thing in your pants.
to you,i'd give up my name
to you,i'd hand more of my innocence
my aching thighs and craving lips
are you scared that you'll forget?
the way I look?
The way I feel?
The way I smell?
The way I taste?
I'll never forget you.
Youre in me,forever..now.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Pretty Cognition
Don't these images just make you want to take off all of your clothing and run freely in a beautiful field of daises somewhere? Or play in a waterfall..swim in a river,or take a nap in a meadow,under the shade of a tree.
You thought YOU had racing thoughts?
I woke up today,
and everything just hit me hard in the face.
Ive been awake for less than ten minutes,and its already out of control.
"im getting older" I thought,as I was laying in bed..
and I dont want to have blonde hair anymore..
I tilted my head as I stared within the mirror..
I put down my toothbrush.
So i'll buy a wig,and
i'll commit suicide before my next birthday.
No, I cant..
I'm not sure of what to do.
I'm just scared to death of growing up.
I want to stay young forever.
I'd hate to be one of those self proclaimed "lolita"s
or are actually 22.
Lolitas arent 22 years old..
I dont want to be..
I want to stay here,for eternity.
I dont know what to do.
My little sisters hair is so pretty,
I think maybe I'll darken mine a tiny bit so it can be pretty like hers..
Why am I being so compulsive over my clothing?
I need more plaid skirts,I dont have enough.
I only have 5,and they arent 5 enough.
maybe i can work for the money.
but who in this hell would even pay me?
I have to,before I get on the plane.
i need another plaid skirt before i leave.
I cant even wear it to new york because it would be too cold there
but i still need that... extra plaid skirt.
Just so I know I have it.
and maybe even another white button up blouse..
Just so I can feel safe.
and everything just hit me hard in the face.
Ive been awake for less than ten minutes,and its already out of control.
"im getting older" I thought,as I was laying in bed..
and I dont want to have blonde hair anymore..
I tilted my head as I stared within the mirror..
I put down my toothbrush.
So i'll buy a wig,and
i'll commit suicide before my next birthday.
No, I cant..
I'm not sure of what to do.
I'm just scared to death of growing up.
I want to stay young forever.
I'd hate to be one of those self proclaimed "lolita"s
or are actually 22.
Lolitas arent 22 years old..
I dont want to be..
I want to stay here,for eternity.
I dont know what to do.
My little sisters hair is so pretty,
I think maybe I'll darken mine a tiny bit so it can be pretty like hers..
Why am I being so compulsive over my clothing?
I need more plaid skirts,I dont have enough.
I only have 5,and they arent 5 enough.
maybe i can work for the money.
but who in this hell would even pay me?
I have to,before I get on the plane.
i need another plaid skirt before i leave.
I cant even wear it to new york because it would be too cold there
but i still need that... extra plaid skirt.
Just so I know I have it.
and maybe even another white button up blouse..
Just so I can feel safe.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Hi,I'm new at this yet used to it at the same time.
SO WOW.
I just spent like five billion hours moving all of my old blog entries to this page!!!
It was quite a bit of work.
I dont know how this site works,or these "blog pages"..
honestly,I dont really care either.
All that I care about,is my expressed thoughts,beliefs,and feelings.
AND OF COURSE:
HUMAN COMPASSION AND CONNECTION!
I care about my blog.I care about my posts..
as long as they are out there,and people are viewing them,thats all that matters. :D
Viewers/Readers from myspace:
you probably got this link from on my page,and thanks for continuing to read my blog. :D it means alot to me. From now on,I will no longer be posting entries on myspace. Only on here.
You know where to find me,if you want to contact me or talk about any of the topics posted. :)
I just spent like five billion hours moving all of my old blog entries to this page!!!
It was quite a bit of work.
I dont know how this site works,or these "blog pages"..
honestly,I dont really care either.
All that I care about,is my expressed thoughts,beliefs,and feelings.
AND OF COURSE:
HUMAN COMPASSION AND CONNECTION!
I care about my blog.I care about my posts..
as long as they are out there,and people are viewing them,thats all that matters. :D
Viewers/Readers from myspace:
you probably got this link from on my page,and thanks for continuing to read my blog. :D it means alot to me. From now on,I will no longer be posting entries on myspace. Only on here.
You know where to find me,if you want to contact me or talk about any of the topics posted. :)
I'm scared to death.
Reposted,because it got lost in the endless zone of my entries and this is one of my latest entries.
Written on:Tuesday, January 06, 2009
I wrote this for a man I love.
he hasnt read it yet,I don't think he cares much.
I'll be forever adding little pieces to this,as the weeks and days pass..
i'm always inspired by different sensations..
its the neverending poem/ will probably turn out to be the longest piece i've ever written.
i'm scared to death,
when i realize the true colors of everything around me..
when i acknowledge the genuine skin of the walls surrounding me
when the smoke clears,
away is the fog
and my virgin ears bleed with the sound of reality
the real tint
the real taste
the real texture
when I realize i am not in an evergreen field of daisies somewhere
when the castles brick fades to an apartment building
urban streets,blacktop grease,graffiti scene
when the victorian gown melts to a pair of jeans and a dirty tank
when the death of your voice is only a click away
and the beauty of your existence holds in the palm of my hand
and your lips are somewhere deep within the caller ID
I am scared to death,
when I recognize the realism of a disintegrating cloud
when I finally comprehend the harm of a moving train
when the paint washes,
when the mirror cleans
and my baby eyes cry and blink
pupils,widen with the high of reality
the clarity
the science
I am a spiritualist
and a Scientist
Yes,there is a way.
But I am scared to death
when the floating shapes around me,colorful squares swaying,
and fuzzed out neon willow trees
focus into faces of millions of crowded people
walking in a city so gray
I am scared to death
my stomach turns and twists
about to spew up an olive colored mess
when I watch the promiscuous lips of vile lovers,two
entwine and kiss
without any conscience
arent they supposed to be "mature",wise,and ever in such ethic?
I am scared to death,
When I realize my current location
the polished wooden chair
the television speakers
soda bottles and take out boxes
when I speak to the minds around me
hollow and bare,rubbing off on my pure neck
after they serve food from a steaming microwave
when the meadow washes into a dry desert
vast,ironically cold and plane
I am scared to death,
when cowboy boots and hippie head bands
infect into designer pumps and prada hand bags
long brunette curls and bare feet in the country sand
bleed into shallow audiences,red carpet events and critical hairstyling men
I am scared to death,
when I realize the supposed facts that high pedestaled philosophers speak
as they burn into horseshit next to the masculine palomino sucking grain
when people say to live in the now,
but you tell me tomorrow is worth the embrace
and I cry to you that I cannot wait
when people say theres a god,and all he left us is a rule filled diary
or when churches are torn down so that fashion malls and runways can be made
I am scared to death,
when elegant violin screeches and screams, dwindle into raw rap slang
and ghetto beats
when Renaissance dragons of sparkling scales,
blood stained claws
and drooling fangs
become stepfathers
I am scared to death,
when playing on the couch with our casual cat
is soon followed by picking up our rifle and hunting hat
when tea is replaced with alcohol
and when promises are broken
I am scared to death
of actuality.
of non believers.
of technicalities.
I am scared to death of finding fairy bones
or unicorn spines that have decomposed
deep into the forest of mine,
and discovering there was never actually any of their kind.
When the weed grows
and the pink petals drop
when we water the weed
and neglect the rose beauty
I am scared to death
of knowing that i can not unbutton your pants
but i could unzip an attached file that you email me over
i am scared to death of
realizing you are so far away
emotionally,
physically,
in your perfect physique.
i am scared to death
of
crushed dreams,
fear of fear of fear because of fear.
love,and when you hate love
life and alittle bit of death
and of technical difficulties
because therefor,we would no longer be able to speak.
I am scared to death
of loving you,
but even more scared of not loving you.
what are you scared of?
Written on:Tuesday, January 06, 2009
I wrote this for a man I love.
he hasnt read it yet,I don't think he cares much.
I'll be forever adding little pieces to this,as the weeks and days pass..
i'm always inspired by different sensations..
its the neverending poem/ will probably turn out to be the longest piece i've ever written.
i'm scared to death,
when i realize the true colors of everything around me..
when i acknowledge the genuine skin of the walls surrounding me
when the smoke clears,
away is the fog
and my virgin ears bleed with the sound of reality
the real tint
the real taste
the real texture
when I realize i am not in an evergreen field of daisies somewhere
when the castles brick fades to an apartment building
urban streets,blacktop grease,graffiti scene
when the victorian gown melts to a pair of jeans and a dirty tank
when the death of your voice is only a click away
and the beauty of your existence holds in the palm of my hand
and your lips are somewhere deep within the caller ID
I am scared to death,
when I recognize the realism of a disintegrating cloud
when I finally comprehend the harm of a moving train
when the paint washes,
when the mirror cleans
and my baby eyes cry and blink
pupils,widen with the high of reality
the clarity
the science
I am a spiritualist
and a Scientist
Yes,there is a way.
But I am scared to death
when the floating shapes around me,colorful squares swaying,
and fuzzed out neon willow trees
focus into faces of millions of crowded people
walking in a city so gray
I am scared to death
my stomach turns and twists
about to spew up an olive colored mess
when I watch the promiscuous lips of vile lovers,two
entwine and kiss
without any conscience
arent they supposed to be "mature",wise,and ever in such ethic?
I am scared to death,
When I realize my current location
the polished wooden chair
the television speakers
soda bottles and take out boxes
when I speak to the minds around me
hollow and bare,rubbing off on my pure neck
after they serve food from a steaming microwave
when the meadow washes into a dry desert
vast,ironically cold and plane
I am scared to death,
when cowboy boots and hippie head bands
infect into designer pumps and prada hand bags
long brunette curls and bare feet in the country sand
bleed into shallow audiences,red carpet events and critical hairstyling men
I am scared to death,
when I realize the supposed facts that high pedestaled philosophers speak
as they burn into horseshit next to the masculine palomino sucking grain
when people say to live in the now,
but you tell me tomorrow is worth the embrace
and I cry to you that I cannot wait
when people say theres a god,and all he left us is a rule filled diary
or when churches are torn down so that fashion malls and runways can be made
I am scared to death,
when elegant violin screeches and screams, dwindle into raw rap slang
and ghetto beats
when Renaissance dragons of sparkling scales,
blood stained claws
and drooling fangs
become stepfathers
I am scared to death,
when playing on the couch with our casual cat
is soon followed by picking up our rifle and hunting hat
when tea is replaced with alcohol
and when promises are broken
I am scared to death
of actuality.
of non believers.
of technicalities.
I am scared to death of finding fairy bones
or unicorn spines that have decomposed
deep into the forest of mine,
and discovering there was never actually any of their kind.
When the weed grows
and the pink petals drop
when we water the weed
and neglect the rose beauty
I am scared to death
of knowing that i can not unbutton your pants
but i could unzip an attached file that you email me over
i am scared to death of
realizing you are so far away
emotionally,
physically,
in your perfect physique.
i am scared to death
of
crushed dreams,
fear of fear of fear because of fear.
love,and when you hate love
life and alittle bit of death
and of technical difficulties
because therefor,we would no longer be able to speak.
I am scared to death
of loving you,
but even more scared of not loving you.
what are you scared of?
Ok,maybe just one.
Written on:Sunday, January 06, 2008
 | One poem. I found it,its pretty old. Titled:Little red.
Little red
such Beautiful Illusions drown with hours of sorrow "don't throw it away" I've been told I'm a talented artist,Lost in The thought of tomorrow Undo this tragic lace,The hand of romance chokes me pulling at me,slithering up my throat like a snake i melt with the poison of heartache,it burns when i breathe such precious images,I like to think one day you'll follow "Such a pretty face,gone to waste" I've been told that I'm gifted..as I'm sickened by the idea of a tomorrow Another tattered doll,with stolen grace as within suicide,she disintegrates one more angelic touch, lost her innocence through love "Oh no,don't throw it all away" Lets fill our world of fantasy Theres so many pretty sights.. Different Images, float with diversity.. Beautiful things,Soak Up variety These Dreamt Moments in my mind,Take my breath away.. we can stare up at Willow trees, In Mild Winds,they like to sway As if they dance in each warm breeze as the season suffocates this floor with autumn Leaves I want to stare into your eyes of blue Grown fond,Fall infatuated.. I lose myself within you. Ok,your turn. Brick walls,and Gardens of roses Climb this one,and seek what's beyond it Take my hand,and we'll run together or chase me ahead,and catch me,for yours forever we can glide upon the Grass,Mellow at our feet Running,will I fast.. Hair bouncing with quick pace Now Here lies the cinnamon colored wheat maze it comes up to my chest..does it come up to your legs? Does your skin too,tatter? Your bare arms vigorously brushing against each single spice tinted stick.. as you scratch with every soft strand of erect wheat.. If it hurts you,I'll kiss it gone.. No one,and nothing hurts my baby. I'll blow into the wound, No,I don't have a bottle of salt behind my back just my soft lips,I'll fix you.. I promise.You can love me, I'm one so trustworthy, and trust is what you lack. Running,I'm running.. My lace dress once was white Now its gray and filthy sometimes i run so fast,that i trip every now and then but i get up,once i remember how you whispered you loved me Sooner or later,I'll gain My fast Pace.. I'm alot stronger than you think. Quick,don't lose me faster,you'll lose me! must keep me in your focus, don't blur,or lose yourself in distraction If i tumble,I'm to blame but its another thing.. if you knock me down, or push into me.. then don't expect me to let it go don't expect to get away ,fault-free. I may be small, but i know how to crush you.. with beautiful words.. I will hurt you.. with sweet words.. I'll say i love you.. I may not be as strong as you, but I know what I'm to do whenever you're above me.. Whenever your mouth foams hungry and I'm one,you're about to eat.. " I love you". Then you back away shh,We can run past ponds,and running banks Water full of elegant swans; Over sticks,and stones we'll leap..can you catch me? Watch this field,of evergreen Morning dew on grass,soaks clean Don't trip!Can you weigh out Me and your pain,equally? Can you stay in love,as well as battling all you don't obtain? Running,I'm running.. with a shredded dress, and bruised,blackened knees those rose thorns snagged my flesh and my elbows,soil colored due to the touch of rugged leaves Ive been kissed, by the sadistic wheat Vindictive little grains Fast,don't lose me.. hurry! Quicker,Don't Lack speed.. Must keep your priority don't confuse,complicate,or fade.. I don't want to disappear around the corner of a viney way losing my way, see my blood upon each strand,stained wheat. Then I know you'll lay there,wondering ever more.. what happened to me? I know what happened to me. You happened to me. Ahead of us,Is the tended forest I'll beat you there,i know i will you think you'll win with those clever words But i heard your success will prevent with guilt Little red,Little red.. and you can be My wolf I don't want a Puppy,tied with a bow.. I want a wolf Youre good at your occupation.. What you do for a living,suits you killing me.. Day by day do you enjoy murdering little girls? Its ok,i forgive you each night,I'll let you take a bite out of me I don't care if i bleed for you can stitch each wound,as you whisper you love me Do I taste good to you? this is what true love,tastes like.. virgin blood,and vicious..glistening teeth. they said not to throw it away said they'll be other boys to mend my sorrow I knew a man once,I say Held onto him,hoping one day he'd follow.. but with his ever Silent footsteps, I grew sick of the thought of tomorrow.. I'm scared once it gets quiet, All that i can hear is the blasting,ear piercing silence and the slight wind whispering into my ears the warm sun shining down on my neck,and shoulders it colors me with life,and a glow,faintly orange i can feel my hair float with the motion of the wind, i can see the wheat softly fondle my skin.. i look behind me.. i cant see you.. have I lost you?I'm alone..and afraid.. turn around to wait for you.. Looking for you anticipating your beautiful sight.. you have never looked so handsome.. in my mind.. I wish to feel you.. I close my eyes I still wanted to run.. I wanted him to catch me, and with that,Our world Is empty. |
Vati.
Written on:Saturday, September 13, 2008
| Vati.  "Vati" pretty little girl flushed cheeks and marble eyes of pink whos hurt you? tell me, come to me. the crimson rose buds in your hair blooming through the tangled web of raven locks You wreak of unpleasant silence Not so polite,are we?What have I taught you? certainly not this. yet the spiders kiss you, you have a warm heart but you're so cold you look so lost in front of me,tired and warn out like a battered rag doll dragged throughout the back barn wood chips and grass bits catch in your weedy hair a stiff body dumped far off somewhere But I don't mind,because Ive watched you grow you know,you can act like yourself around me come closer to me tell me a story why have you chosen to bleed? pretty little girl Cherry stained clothes and bruised knees who's hurt you? Wipe your weary eyes from any sorrow who's kept you up all night? who's crept upon you? kiss the scalpel I hold, fear not its ability to slit I use this to cut through the straw thread sewn through your lips meant to keep your voice closed words I need to hear,Unspoken,hidden,hurt. Tell me.Speak to me. you're so lost now,in front of me yet the spiders kiss you you have a warm heart but you're so cold come to me,kiss me I yearn for your taste of cotton candy clash this with my sourness I'll help you,I'm sorry. it will all end soon. just one more time,I vow to you. unbutton,come closer,feel me. let the ruffled lace of your bloomers embrace me,child |
I don't care anymore.
WRITTEN ON ON: SEPTEMBER 14,2008.
fuck,i'm redoing my life. I'm trying to reach out,into the "dangerous/scary" world beyond me. I was raised in such a fear oriented family,and household,where you werent allowed to take a walk down the street by yourself,because you'll get raped and murdered. Or you werent allowed to sleepover your best friends house,because their dadddies will molest you in your sleep. Ok. Yeah. Strange? Yet my family always would talk to me about the "good old days" and how when THEY Were children,the world was a better place.things were safer,more simple. They would talk about how they would walk like 15 blocks to school and back,everyday. How everyone in the neighborhood was so caring,and looked out for eeachothers children.or how strawberry taffy would only cost like a penny. and you know what i think ? no. Fuck that. Life is how you create it. Ok. Security and saftey is all a state of mind,its all in your head. My mom was raised up in bad neighborhoods in brooklyn,new york. She tells me horrible stories of the fights she had got into ,but she was still alive back then,and she wasnt operating on fear,she was living off of ambition and the endless struggle to actual live and not give up.then she moves,and lives here for about 10 years,raises me... and everything is so much more contained,and mellow.theres no culture,and its slow. people out here almost seem retarded compaired to "high strung new yorkers". So now what? she says she fears more than she has ever in her entire life.Why? because I guess she just acclimated to the slowness of here. She let it over come her and mold her,instead of HER taking the slowness as an advantage on HER part,and molding IT instead.
Thus,security and safety is just a fucking state of mind. if she felt safe and confident in an environment where girls used blades and ripped hoop earings out of each others ears for apparently "lookin at eachothers man",then why doesnt she feel safe and confident here,in a decent neighborhood,where everyone has cable television and ACs?!!!
So,I am angry because I have been raised to think that the world is a vile,dangerous place and we should be scared to death and piss our pants. Therefor,of course,however I was raised,has rubbed off on me,and effect me.I'm scared to do alot of things. I Dont know why,its part of my S.A. disorder. IS this a learned behavior or hereditary ? Panic disorder DOES run in my family,very heavily. My mother and grandma both suffer from it. but I think they take that disorder,focus on the negative out of it and then almost "pass it down" to all of the rest of us,by magnifying it,and truely believing that what they are all afraid of,actually exists or will come true! thus,it is pretty much partically a LEARNED BEHAVIOR on my part,as well!If they keep believing that,and focusing on it,they may just fucking jinx themselves,anyway.As I may quote, and the pussy cat dolls could not of been more correct: "be careful what you wish for,because you just might get it.Yeah,just might get it". HAHA ok Sorry,I had a moment of humor. ;p I just had to.
but its a true statement!
my point is,I have so many fucking dreams,and inspirations.
I set up alot of goals for myself.some people mock me,others support me. Thats natural. I love it. compliment me,and I'll adore you forever. your words will uplift me,more than you know. Or doubt me,take me for granted,and I'll just prove you wrong. You wont ever forget how you doubted me. I dont care of what people tell me. I've come to the point where I'm surrounded by whatever i'm surrounded by,and theres nothing I can do about it. I dont associate with assholes,but they actually have molded me into thinking in the beautiful mindset I now think with.
So, I'm not going to be afraid anymore. Its scary,but I'm going to start talking with a psychologist,and i'm just going to push myself. I cant wait to move the fuck out of here and start my own life. My life doesnt even BEGIN until the day I am far away from my insane family! I love them all to DEATH,especially my mother,whos probably the only sane person out of the lunatic bunch,but even she gets on my nervs sometimes. Not because we fight,because we hardly ever fight,but its more because..she reminds me of my childhood.she symbolizes me being held captive in this abusive lifestyle,I call "childhood". she just reminds me of a part of myself that I hate.the unhappy,scared,lost,aimless,self loathing/doubting part of me that comes out every now and then,when i'm stuck at home and the world seems dark in my eyes.
I just want to get the hell out of here. get a job,Finish school,go to college. Study psychology,get a vocal coach,publish a few books,and start designing my own clothes.
I'd be happy. i'd feel something,instead of this "nothing" that I wake up,to every day.
I'll take a fucking bus,taxi,or car,without fear of like.. Idk.getting murdered or rejected by the driver. I'll actually be social and do things without my grandma warning me of some creepy,overreacted,full blown psychotic consequence.
We may not be able to control every single fucking situation in our lives,like shopping taxes,gas prices, how long we wait in line at the supermarket,of if our childhood is abusive or not,but happiness,security and safety are ALL states of minds.its all mental.emotional.psychological. we can be hopeful,get alot of help,(professional as well as talking to friends or people who support us) and then we can just fly away,and create our beautiful lifes. thats what I look at it.thats what I am going to do.
I dont care.tell me i'll make it,or tell me i'll fail.
doubt me,or believe in me.I dont care. youre here,i'm here,we'll all alive,and we'll all die. Life is what it is,and I'm going to twist the rules and neglect whatever negative energy stands in my way,because I just want to actually do something wonderful in life. Peace :D <3
RANT ON SELF THOUGHTS. THE MESS IN MY HEAD.
WRITTEN ON: SEPTEMBER 13,2008.
Ive been Learning so much about life,lately. Who would of known there lies a lesson in gazing out your car window,staring upon the traffic ahead. Its everywhere,all around us. These whisperings,of truth and knowledge. If only we paid more attention. Its like the world is talking to us,but most of us are deaf. Maybe If we took in all of these speakings,and hid them away in a treasure chest,and left it alone..over a few years,we could open it back up and finally find we have seeked the true meaning of life.The meaning of everything. When I say the true meaning of life,I dont mean the general,overall,complete reason We are breathing. I mean.. The reason you cried last week. The reason your boyfriend cheated on you. The reason you and your friend laughed so hard that you almost puked. The reason you chose cheetos over doritos. haha. Ok,I know those examples are all horrible,but hopefully at least some of you will understand a bit of where I'm comming from.
Some thoughts are meant to be kept to ourselves. I know this. Its not a shock. Theres so much,just swimming inside of me. but way too personal for this internet to know of. If I unleashed it,I imagine my computer monitor and modem immediately blowing up into tiny bits.
The sad,pathetic,pitiful,whatever you want to call it,fact.. Is that I Want to share it with someone. I do. I Do. A girl,or a boy. I dont care. A friend,or a lover.I dont care. I dont want completion. I dont want security. I just want some sort of connection .Some truth.Some beauty. some bliss.
I feel like everyone is just shallow and brainless lately. I Dont know. this isnt me being judgmental,This is just me being lonely,and desperate.ha. I'm searching for some sort of "to die for" friendship,but I'm not finding anything. So of course i'm going to get a bit agressive,after countless times of disapointment. I feel like everyone is emotionless,and even if they say they understand..they just..dont..understand. and I 'm scared.because I want someone to understand.
The best example,would be..
When you watch a movie,you know how "deep" it feels? You know how much it touches you? You know how you fall into its story? you can feel it.It makes you want to laugh,or cry. It makes you afraid,or aroused. It has such an impact and effect on you,yes? Why?
well one, I guess Its because of its exposed humanity.
Humans are very emotional. Very "needy".
We are very dramatic,and we feel alot.
Then again,i Dont know about YOU,but If i was watching a movie with a dog,and he got slaughtered,I probably would start balling out into tears ha. Which has nothing to do with the death or dramatization of humanity,thus,humanity is a defeated purpose/iirrelevant subject here.
Then you think of music.
Amazing,breathtaking,captiviating. RELATABLE.
Music can make you laugh or cry. Music can make you feel scared. Music can make you feel alone,or alive. It has such an impact and effect on you.
When you listen to music..You lose yourself in it. Everything about it. You lose yourself in the melody. The sound. You lose yourself in the voice that is singing. You lose yourself in the lyrics,the words that are being sung. You even lose yourself in the visual image of the singer,singing. The clothes they are wearing. The landscape they stand upon. The emotion in their face..everything.
We lose ourselves in this. But "this" is..simply..emotion.A sensation.
Its so emotional. Its so needy. its so dramatic,with so much feeling.
We consider other peoples music to be magic,but the word "magic" should be replaced with "emotion" or "sensation."
Sometimes certain songs are so sad and depressing,that its addictive and ATTRACTIVE. I could probably name a million artists/songs right now that sing about sad things,and it just makes me want to make out with them because of it.ha.
because they sing about emotions.. fragility. sensitivity. humanity.
When guys sing about how sad they are because of how their "girlfriends" left them,or cheated on them.. It makes me want to kiss them. because They seem very compassionate,and caring.
When girls sing about how empty they are because of how cruel the world seems,it makes me want to lay in bed with them. because they seem very lost,yet so human.
And when I talk about kissing or laying with these people,its not sexual. Sex doesnt come to mind. compassion,and adoration does.
I truely believe you could kiss another human being on the lips without if being sexual.without feeling any sexual attraction for them,or any desire to "fuck" them.
I get this way,so excited and intense because of the "sad songs,"not because of my own selfishness to see others suffer. but it is what it is.Take it how you want to take it.Percieve this,in the way which you want to percieve.
My point is.
from movies-to music.
expression.
beauty.
art.
passion.
creation.
what do these all wreak?
drama.emotion.
even if the songs arent sad or fucking about killing yourselves,or feeling empty..
theres still..emotions.
we're all made up of emotions,feelings,thoughts,reactions.
but lately,all the people in the world..seem to feel the oposite of those compassionate guys singing or those empty,broken girls singing.
The people ive talked to lately,the ones i'm around,they feel ..I dont know.
non human,in a way. I dont know where i'm going with this.theres just no spark.no compassion. do they even give a fuck about me?do they want to give a fuck about me? in movies,you always see a guy chasing after some girl. Who wants to chase after me ? no one. I feel off to the side, hiding in some cave. ha. or maybe i'm not hiding,maybe i'm just napping. maybe i'm just tired of everything.
This isnt about a guy. Its about human connection. I feel disconnected,and far away from everyone. I feel like i'm the only one who gives a fuck and wants to love. I know this isnt true,and others feel this way as well,but I'm just being honest. deep down,i know otherwise.but inside.. I feel this way.despite if its "Accurate logic" or not.
thats what I fucking love about emotions.oh god.
the fact that they sometimes seem irrational and UN LOGICAL!
thats what makes them so beautiful.
like a pyschodellic rollercoaster,an explosion.
so crazy. so out there.
so full blown.
so unpredictable.so personal.
so "asigned specifically,and individually,differently,and significantly to each and every one person"
we all have our different,little emotions.
even if i'm sad.and someone else says they are sad as well.
we will NEVER feel the same saddness.
even if we are both crying because of the same reason!
thats what makes emotions so amazing
even when you tell someone you "understand" you ..really,cant.
you cant really ever experience or endure the war raging on within someone else.
you can RELATE to an EXTENT,and you can even assume,using LOGIC..but you could never really fully comprehend the emotion,in other human emotions or human emotion,in general. :)
its what makes it so risky,so scary,so intense. so deep. so EXTREME.
I guess another reason why people can "understand" human behavior so easily,is not because they have a special way with diagnosing others feelings,or because they are gifted at psychology,but because.. humans.. give off scent.we basically give out the answers to others,without knowing it.without THEM even knowing it!we give it away.we expose flickered pictures,personal images,and internal movment. meaning. every now and then,we express certain things.we just come clean.even when we dont know we are.
we are so complex,and complicated. but sometimes even the most repressed,stubborn,ignorant,difficult,nonexpressive,-"I dont ever show my feelings"- type of person,will show their feelings. not intentionally.not NON intentionally.it just happens..whether it be through a spoken word,a non spoken word,or a physical movement,or non physical movement.
We can see glimpses of them.we can see through their soul,when people..express to us.
THATS how we start to tell them.. "oh i understand".and we start to tell them "i know how you feel,you dont have to say anything.i know what youre thinking,without you having to say your thoughts outloud" and then we start to take the credit. thinking.. "oh i am just so fucking connected with this person,i must have a way with mind reading,or maybe i just really am deeply in love with them,to a point where I know them SOO Well that i know their everythought and intention".
nope.
its not that.
its because of THEIR expression,that WE caught at the corner of our eyes.
ITs almost like we all have been watching eachother.researching eachother,analyzing eachother.like we are all eachothers science projects.
we take down notes of their every behavior,like scientists.
Emotions may not be full of ethical thoughts,moral actions,or logical ambition.
but..thats what makes them amazing.
People are hypocritical.
if emotions have no logic,
nor does the fact that youre attracted to someone underage.
or nor is the fact that you think about having sex,while you sit at mass in church.
nor is the fact that you drink,and do drugs.
nor is the fact that you forgot to pay for that laundry soap thats at the bottom of your supermarker cart.
nor is the fact that you ran that red light.
these things seem unethical,to our society.
or at least to mine.
but you dont see any of us having a fit because of it.
so whats so wrong about the chaos of human emotions?
emotions arent meant for us to bury,neglect,and forget about.
they are here for us to endure,and feel.to take on.
like little adventures,in our heads.
we are all asigned to a dangerous,life threatening mission of feeling an emotion of sorrow or happiness.will you choose to take this mission,or will you run from it?
emotions arent meant for us to mock,or take for granted.
emotions are not meant to shun,turn our backs on them,or make fun of.
our emotions and the emotions of others,arent meant to for us to ASSUME or guess.sometimes i feel like the emotions of others arent even meant for us to figure out.because their emotions,are their own beautiful possession and they are millions of tiny wrapped precious gifts for them. if we try to deciper and disect the mind of others (which we can try and try until we are blue in the face and the lions lay down with the lambs,but we will NEVER get" far",because we wont ever fully know of eachother,because cant ever even fully understand ourselves.so many layers of the human brain,we wouldnt ever be able to get to its root or complete meaning or another person,by just looking at them,externally.by just staring into their eyes and guessing of whats going on,on the inside. no.yet we wont even understand what goes on ,on the inside,if we lay them on a table and cut open their heads!)
my emotions are mine.
her emotions are hers.
his emotions are his.
by trying to figure some one out,label them,judge them,or TELL THEM WHO THEY ARE and TELL THEM HOW THEY FEEL,we are almost stealing their little tiny wrapped presents and falsely giving them logic,the logic WE came up with.the misunderstanding.the lies.
go on and tell me i'm overreacting.tell me its "not like that"or thats not your intention.but deep down,underneath the layers of your explaination.thats how it is.thats how it seems. i just express it through certain words.but no matter what metaphor you use,its still the same situation.
I love emotions.abstract colors,neon fluff. squiggles,bright yellow oozing,purple ambiant dividers,warping patterns,checkers,rainbow,black,gray.nothing.a blank white screen.
emotions.so unpredictable.
i want to connect with someone full of them.but why does everyone seem so numb,lately?
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