| Body: | White is my favorite color..if it is a color that is, Recovery is every other day in this hell I call my own. I fluctuate from sweet lolita to aggravated woman.. depending on how he makes me feel. a dungeon, a prison some nights i feel beautiful in my own vulnerability those nights, letting him put me to rest laying me down upon sheets he calls his own its your game,its your sword i take the roll of a doll in masters pity he says jump, and shes in the air the invisible exit, an impossible candyland i snap when im hurt quickly covering my wound with sand bits and tampered leaves damp and soiled from the rain night before and this mornings dew destroyed spiderwebs and ripped nylon fast,before he gets here! now,before he smells my weakness. hide, hide. It all floods within me.. sudden realization.. hits me in the head like a brick, scrapes against my cheek,I lose blood and chunks of skin welcome ur strength! farewell to little girl panties and baby feelings that break with every forgotten I love you or missed phone call no more will u slam me against walls and take control I am,in my own body confusion, indecision yet Ive grown a bra size no more, will I be your little girl at least not until alice eats the other side of the mushroom and falls back on your lap he says to poison and i can feel her sickness flowing through my veins.. his call, her cooperation. shaking from the smell of real cheese only plastic cakes and clay pizza please the tip of my hesitant tongue ive battered my own appetite teasing, what can i say? who else was going to do it? i had to take the job for a bit,while he was off duty. The story of Ana. The story of ana and her master |
|---|
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Abstract nothingness.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Just maybe
like a used handkerchief
tired and ragged
maybe,just maybe
i'll throw her away
if she wont throw me away
ive become a patient
of my own asylum
classy,and Victorian
yet still cold and worn out
we all bleed the same
maybe,just maybe
ive tired from
the rings under my eyes
the blisters on my lips
dizzy head,a sore brain
bleeding thoughts and aching heart
maybe,just maybe
ive tired from
a torn stomach and throbbing limbs
restless hours
ticking, ticking
the smell so wretched,
something dripping from my lips
after "healing"like they say I've attempted
but why does feeding feel so bad?
maybe,just maybe
tired and ragged
maybe,just maybe
i'll throw her away
if she wont throw me away
ive become a patient
of my own asylum
classy,and Victorian
yet still cold and worn out
we all bleed the same
maybe,just maybe
ive tired from
the rings under my eyes
the blisters on my lips
dizzy head,a sore brain
bleeding thoughts and aching heart
maybe,just maybe
ive tired from
a torn stomach and throbbing limbs
restless hours
ticking, ticking
the smell so wretched,
something dripping from my lips
after "healing"like they say I've attempted
but why does feeding feel so bad?
maybe,just maybe
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
its been a bit! i'm back though.
I feel like I have been putting alot of bad out there in the universe lately,and I deserve to suffer the consequences.
We get what we put out there,right?
although sometimes It doesnt seem fair.
with this ed,I feel out of my body,out of my soul,out of my control.
with this ed,i dont feel as if i have done anything wrong.
it has hurt me,but I dont think i have intentionally gone out of my way to hurt ANYONe or do any wrong to the world.
I dont sit here making myself feel horrid on the inside,
i dont sit here,HAMMERING these feelings into my brain until it becomes an engraved habit that sticks there,man made. I dont DO this to myself.
no.
It has just come to me,for what reason?for A reason.
Perhaps this will bring good and beauty in my life,once i over come it.
Do people MAKE themselves depressed?
do people MAKE themselves suicidal?
do people MAKE themselves have no self esteem?
I personally dont really think so.
You cant expect everyone to be in balance with their inner power.
With their spirit.thats what makes us human.
not everyone has the willpower,or..i should say..the DESIRE to want to obtain that self strength,the bliss,the positive energy.some of us spend all of our lives searching..until finally oneday even realizing its existence!
life is about learning,not being born with automatic knowledge and immediate answers.
what stuns me though,
is how people go about eating disorders...or ANY other disease/disorder of that matter..
[i just recently realized how hesitant people are when it comesto admitting either bipolar disorder,anxiety,phobias,etc]
It disgusts me to know how people ATTACK someone for suffering.how they HATE you for suffering. how they stereotype,categorize,mock and try to brainwash the world into thinking its A SIN or embarrassment to feel pain or suffer.
and on the subject of EDS,specifically:
Is your mind in the gutter?
have you been reading too many magazines?
You dont know,unless you personally suffer from it.
and trust me,its nothing like what the media expresses or how humanity shuns it to be.
It disgusts me to know how ugly and terrible people can be to eachother.
how human beings react..as animals would
once smelling even the slightest scent of weakness or blood,
they all surround to attack.
to gain up
sense negative energy,and what do humans do?they create MORE negative energy.
why?i cant comprehend this.
sense pain,and create MORE pain?
why?
Why dont we help eachother?why dont we love eachother? i dont understand this world sometimes.
I updated my about me section. thought i would post it on here to update everyone,I think it explained everything very well and I'm too tired to have to rewrite a whole different summary of everything for this post!
"You've come,which means you must be looking for a story.
Why are people so afraid of admitting their own flaws?Their secrets,weaknesses,fears?
Why are people so afraid of admitting to disorders,"diseases"?
Afraid of being judged?Or is it fear of being
disliked,mocked,made fun of,hated?
Afraid of being attacked? Afraid of being hurt?
Afraid of embarrassment? Afraid of feeling ashamed?
Afraid of imperfection?Afraid of...feeling afraid?
Well,I'm not afraid.
I'm Amanda.
I'm sure alot of you "viewers" out there have been
following my page for the last two years
or however long Ive had this account.
If so,you probably have a speck of an idea of the type of
person I am. From moments that has passed,from hair colors
Ive gone through,from clothing styles and photography
experiments. From themed set photos to blog rants,to
random bulletin posts and various layout designs.
over time,we take tiny pieces of people,(from what we assume)
and attempt to put them together..with our
minds,as if glue to a puzzle. To hopefully,in the
end..seek their final inner person.
At least you've naturally (as a human being,as humans do)
psychoanalyzed my entire persona by what you can see..by
what I directly express..and by what you've judged.. A single layer of who I am.
So tell me,am I a good person? or am I a bad person?
Are you god? have you the answers?are you to even say?
are you in the position,or do you hold the proper role to judge another,assume future,accuse reason,place blame?
Ive grown up so much within the last two years.
Ive experienced rapid rapid cycling,both metaphorical
and literal.[aha] There goes my attempt at being
funny.My little self pitiful,sarcastic pun. :P Lets all el oh el now shall we?
I'm way past using this website for simple reasons most
users would. AS you can probably already tell
from my "about me" section so far. I'm not here to
list my simple interests,hobbies, join your "whore trains" or post "PC4PC"s.
I'm here to express,I'm here to create.
i'm here to connect. I'm here to ..well.. Sadly,I guess you can say "entertain".Then again,arent we all entertainment in our own ways?
having said all of that,
I'd like to say.
I am a flawed,
sad,
confused,
lost
imperfect
troubled
HUMAN BEING.
Currently struggling with an Eating disorder,as of January 2009.
The reason why I mention this:
Is not to brag,to seek attention or sympathy,to sell,to pursue,or to advertise/glorify/glamorize/pollute or corrupt the universe with any negative energy.
I mention this,for the same reason in why I have ever created anything in the universe.
The same reason why Ive dyed my hair different colors.
the same reason why Ive experimented with different fashion.
The same reason why I have endured other situations.
The same resaon why I have opened myself up on this website,and exposed many of my deep feelings and beliefs.
I mention this before any one jumps to conclusion.I mention this to clear any fog or confusion.
I have merely,cut myself open for all to see.
and in relevance of addmitting to my ED,
I am thus, just...as always..cutting myself open for you to see.
Nothing more,nothing less.
this is nothing special,nothing new.
there goes ophelia,ranting,talking,expressing,creating,as always.
My ed has become a part of me.a huge piece.
So it would be foolish of me NOT to mention it,when it has affected me greatly physically,mentally,emotionally.. in every way possible.
So now..whos in the wrong?
Go on,judge.
With all of that said,
I am not afraid.
I am not afraid to be honest,to be real.
I am not afraid to be imperfect,or troubled.
I am not afraid to be full of pain.
Its a natural,beautiful part of life.
I am not afraid to show who i truely am,
instead of pacify a shallow audience with who they'd rather I be.
I will not please a crowd just for an "easy route"
I will not lie to myself.I will not cheat myself of truth.
I know of where I currently stand. I know of what I do.
I'm well out of this "closet" now.
Look in the mirror,and ask yourself... are you out of yours?
have you set your demon free?
have you cut yourself open for all to see? "
I shall post more soon!
Hope youre all happy,healthy,and well<3
We get what we put out there,right?
although sometimes It doesnt seem fair.
with this ed,I feel out of my body,out of my soul,out of my control.
with this ed,i dont feel as if i have done anything wrong.
it has hurt me,but I dont think i have intentionally gone out of my way to hurt ANYONe or do any wrong to the world.
I dont sit here making myself feel horrid on the inside,
i dont sit here,HAMMERING these feelings into my brain until it becomes an engraved habit that sticks there,man made. I dont DO this to myself.
no.
It has just come to me,for what reason?for A reason.
Perhaps this will bring good and beauty in my life,once i over come it.
Do people MAKE themselves depressed?
do people MAKE themselves suicidal?
do people MAKE themselves have no self esteem?
I personally dont really think so.
You cant expect everyone to be in balance with their inner power.
With their spirit.thats what makes us human.
not everyone has the willpower,or..i should say..the DESIRE to want to obtain that self strength,the bliss,the positive energy.some of us spend all of our lives searching..until finally oneday even realizing its existence!
life is about learning,not being born with automatic knowledge and immediate answers.
what stuns me though,
is how people go about eating disorders...or ANY other disease/disorder of that matter..
[i just recently realized how hesitant people are when it comesto admitting either bipolar disorder,anxiety,phobias,etc]
It disgusts me to know how people ATTACK someone for suffering.how they HATE you for suffering. how they stereotype,categorize,mock and try to brainwash the world into thinking its A SIN or embarrassment to feel pain or suffer.
and on the subject of EDS,specifically:
Is your mind in the gutter?
have you been reading too many magazines?
You dont know,unless you personally suffer from it.
and trust me,its nothing like what the media expresses or how humanity shuns it to be.
It disgusts me to know how ugly and terrible people can be to eachother.
how human beings react..as animals would
once smelling even the slightest scent of weakness or blood,
they all surround to attack.
to gain up
sense negative energy,and what do humans do?they create MORE negative energy.
why?i cant comprehend this.
sense pain,and create MORE pain?
why?
Why dont we help eachother?why dont we love eachother? i dont understand this world sometimes.
I updated my about me section. thought i would post it on here to update everyone,I think it explained everything very well and I'm too tired to have to rewrite a whole different summary of everything for this post!
"You've come,which means you must be looking for a story.
Why are people so afraid of admitting their own flaws?Their secrets,weaknesses,fears?
Why are people so afraid of admitting to disorders,"diseases"?
Afraid of being judged?Or is it fear of being
disliked,mocked,made fun of,hated?
Afraid of being attacked? Afraid of being hurt?
Afraid of embarrassment? Afraid of feeling ashamed?
Afraid of imperfection?Afraid of...feeling afraid?
Well,I'm not afraid.
I'm Amanda.
I'm sure alot of you "viewers" out there have been
following my page for the last two years
or however long Ive had this account.
If so,you probably have a speck of an idea of the type of
person I am. From moments that has passed,from hair colors
Ive gone through,from clothing styles and photography
experiments. From themed set photos to blog rants,to
random bulletin posts and various layout designs.
over time,we take tiny pieces of people,(from what we assume)
and attempt to put them together..with our
minds,as if glue to a puzzle. To hopefully,in the
end..seek their final inner person.
At least you've naturally (as a human being,as humans do)
psychoanalyzed my entire persona by what you can see..by
what I directly express..and by what you've judged.. A single layer of who I am.
So tell me,am I a good person? or am I a bad person?
Are you god? have you the answers?are you to even say?
are you in the position,or do you hold the proper role to judge another,assume future,accuse reason,place blame?
Ive grown up so much within the last two years.
Ive experienced rapid rapid cycling,both metaphorical
and literal.[aha] There goes my attempt at being
funny.My little self pitiful,sarcastic pun. :P Lets all el oh el now shall we?
I'm way past using this website for simple reasons most
users would. AS you can probably already tell
from my "about me" section so far. I'm not here to
list my simple interests,hobbies, join your "whore trains" or post "PC4PC"s.
I'm here to express,I'm here to create.
i'm here to connect. I'm here to ..well.. Sadly,I guess you can say "entertain".Then again,arent we all entertainment in our own ways?
having said all of that,
I'd like to say.
I am a flawed,
sad,
confused,
lost
imperfect
troubled
HUMAN BEING.
Currently struggling with an Eating disorder,as of January 2009.
The reason why I mention this:
Is not to brag,to seek attention or sympathy,to sell,to pursue,or to advertise/glorify/glamorize/pollute or corrupt the universe with any negative energy.
I mention this,for the same reason in why I have ever created anything in the universe.
The same reason why Ive dyed my hair different colors.
the same reason why Ive experimented with different fashion.
The same reason why I have endured other situations.
The same resaon why I have opened myself up on this website,and exposed many of my deep feelings and beliefs.
I mention this before any one jumps to conclusion.I mention this to clear any fog or confusion.
I have merely,cut myself open for all to see.
and in relevance of addmitting to my ED,
I am thus, just...as always..cutting myself open for you to see.
Nothing more,nothing less.
this is nothing special,nothing new.
there goes ophelia,ranting,talking,expressing,creating,as always.
My ed has become a part of me.a huge piece.
So it would be foolish of me NOT to mention it,when it has affected me greatly physically,mentally,emotionally.. in every way possible.
So now..whos in the wrong?
Go on,judge.
With all of that said,
I am not afraid.
I am not afraid to be honest,to be real.
I am not afraid to be imperfect,or troubled.
I am not afraid to be full of pain.
Its a natural,beautiful part of life.
I am not afraid to show who i truely am,
instead of pacify a shallow audience with who they'd rather I be.
I will not please a crowd just for an "easy route"
I will not lie to myself.I will not cheat myself of truth.
I know of where I currently stand. I know of what I do.
I'm well out of this "closet" now.
Look in the mirror,and ask yourself... are you out of yours?
have you set your demon free?
have you cut yourself open for all to see? "
I shall post more soon!
Hope youre all happy,
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Today.
first day at clinic.
hell.
another attempt at feeling happy and eating in a normal manner.
morning: few bites of yogurt,water
afternoon:half cup soup
night:rice
chips
fruit cup
Tonights binge without lax or purging or exercising:
(i hold my breath)
plate of pasta with vegetables
plate of rice,chow mein,
2 eggroles
2 cream cheese wong tongs
1 breakfast crossiant
hashbrowns
water
bites of cake
2 herseys kisses.
im scared to death of chocolate and cake and cookies and chips and soda.
im TERRIFIED.aha.
cant eat anymore of it
i havent had chocolate in like over a month though,
so i guess having two little kisses wont hurt me right? :/
hell.
another attempt at feeling happy and eating in a normal manner.
morning: few bites of yogurt,water
afternoon:half cup soup
night:rice
chips
fruit cup
Tonights binge without lax or purging or exercising:
(i hold my breath)
plate of pasta with vegetables
plate of rice,chow mein,
2 eggroles
2 cream cheese wong tongs
1 breakfast crossiant
hashbrowns
water
bites of cake
2 herseys kisses.
im scared to death of chocolate and cake and cookies and chips and soda.
im TERRIFIED.aha.
cant eat anymore of it
i havent had chocolate in like over a month though,
so i guess having two little kisses wont hurt me right? :/
Monday, March 16, 2009
2009-2010 goals.
Get successful meds
Get inpatient/outpatient treatment for ED
get job
drive
volunteer at animal shelters/sanctuaries
finish highschool
put money away in savings account
get Altaira help
grow out hair
get braces off
decorate room
get another puppy?
see nick
someday live on my own.
Get inpatient/outpatient treatment for ED
get job
drive
volunteer at animal shelters/sanctuaries
finish highschool
put money away in savings account
get Altaira help
grow out hair
get braces off
decorate room
get another puppy?
see nick
someday live on my own.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Rawr rawr
how can someone fantasize so much about food,yet despise it more than anything,at the same time?
how can someone be so obsessed with food,nonstop..yet be scared to death of it?
my brain hurts so much.its so sore. If there was a way i could look inside of my head,i know it would be full of scabs and cuts and lesions from thinking so much..from crying so much,from being in so much pain all the time.
this will be the straw that breaks the camels back.
or..will it be the curse that sets me free?
will it be the bit of poison that cleans the rest of what flows within?to finally..disinfect and cure?
i know im alone,but i dont want to be alone.i know im supposed to be strong,but what if i dont want to be strong?
how can someone be so obsessed with food,nonstop..yet be scared to death of it?
my brain hurts so much.its so sore. If there was a way i could look inside of my head,i know it would be full of scabs and cuts and lesions from thinking so much..from crying so much,from being in so much pain all the time.
this will be the straw that breaks the camels back.
or..will it be the curse that sets me free?
will it be the bit of poison that cleans the rest of what flows within?to finally..disinfect and cure?
i know im alone,but i dont want to be alone.i know im supposed to be strong,but what if i dont want to be strong?
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Day 1 of a new start.
Blogdiary,
here I am again,spilling precious words across a shallow keyboard.. Placing them gently on the public screen for all to judge and read.
Its March 5th,2009. Precisely 1:30 AM. You thought I could sleep? I laugh to myself.
I have something to say. I have a bit of story to tell.
I spoke to god today. I could feel jesus near me.
Like a battered addict, I cried on my knees..
crawling..and begging.. I'm some sort of junkie.
All my life,i've searched for the answer. All my life,ive screamed for someone to help me. Tried to find the pleasure,The savior,the answer within love.. Within The man I love.. Within Ana, Within her strength and passive sadism. Within my blood mother... Within The Mother earth.. Within music.. Within strangers. You name it,I've tried it.
Never have I really ever turned to jesus. Never have I tried to find the answer within him.
I told him to love me,and I tried to submit as I would to a man biting my neck , being ontop of
me.. Or in a way I would to ana, after consuming something sinful and delicious. STaring back at myself in a public restroom mirror. Apologizing, Feeling guilty for messing and abusing her. Begging her to forgive me,so we can start allover. "ana,take me. Ana,love me.I'm here for you to take over."
I told god this,instead. This time.
Sick of speaking to something that can speak back..
well,can this speak back?can he? I feel like he did. Maybe im dellusional.
but I felt something beyond me. If i could explain,i would say a huge big fat invisiable blob of force in the corner of my bedroom as I choked on my own mascara and self pity.
I was so warn down and torn apart
my heroin was my own fingers, my stubbornness,my hollow stomach.
My addiction was my instability, my morphed perception.
My emptiness...its got me..
The agony Ive felt,I cannot explain..cannot put into words.
My hatred for humanity.. one of the reasons its so strong and raw,
because all ppeople ever do is compare..is measure. Mock and manipulate. They want reasons,definitions,approximations, exact answers.
They want math and science,
I want spatial sensation.
They want notes and chemistry,substance stained goggles and Bubbling experiments.
Gloves and medication precriptions.
All I want is, happiness. Purity. Harmony. Abstract outlooks and blind judgment.
No definition. No man made theory.Instead,self theory unspoken. Unshared.Just think to yourself..no need to preach or contribute by science. Just love and think to yourself.
Wild,free fields of wheat and grain
flowers,trees,lakes
animals and meadows of green
love making
sun shining
no school
no cars
no taxes
no work
no internet
no television
no britney spears
no booze
no burger king
no worry.
just live,
live the way you wish to live,in the moment you wish to die.
does that make sense?
it does to me.
think about it.
when youve been sucicidal.
how did you WANT to live?
at the moment,life is something you dispise.Disgusts you.Youre screaming and begging in so many ways,for so many reasons,for so many things.
but if you were to live,how would you live?
would you run to the store and buy 25 boxes of icecream?
would you quit your time consuming job and travel the world?
would you patch up past tattered relationships,and become closer to god?
Would you prioritize your possessions?
Would you move to a cabin somewhere far in the woods?
or a mellow place somewhere on the oceanside..
live the way you wish to live,in the moment you wish to die.
right?thats the only way to live,really.
When I tell people this...when i explain to them my outlook on life,how i want to live..they look at me like i'm dreaming. like im crazy. like i'm selfish,stubborn and out of my head. Like i'm full of teenage angst and rebellion. like i'm angry. like i'm rebellious. Like i'm non realistic. Like im surreal. Like i'm..infinite. like i'm a disrespecting sheep in the cloned herd of humanity .like i'm being bad and making sin for straying from everyone else who sits there everyday,allday,sipping from the same pond,eating the same grain. Like i'm evil for shaving my coat and changing myself for the better. Like im terrible for following my heart . My god given instinct.
to me,this is natural. My dreams.My goals. My outlook on life.
Today,I go humble.
Today, I strive for something better.
Today, the first day,I will try to kill the addiction.
Today,I will try to slay ana.
here I am again,spilling precious words across a shallow keyboard.. Placing them gently on the public screen for all to judge and read.
Its March 5th,2009. Precisely 1:30 AM. You thought I could sleep? I laugh to myself.
I have something to say. I have a bit of story to tell.
I spoke to god today. I could feel jesus near me.
Like a battered addict, I cried on my knees..
crawling..and begging.. I'm some sort of junkie.
All my life,i've searched for the answer. All my life,ive screamed for someone to help me. Tried to find the pleasure,The savior,the answer within love.. Within The man I love.. Within Ana, Within her strength and passive sadism. Within my blood mother... Within The Mother earth.. Within music.. Within strangers. You name it,I've tried it.
Never have I really ever turned to jesus. Never have I tried to find the answer within him.
I told him to love me,and I tried to submit as I would to a man biting my neck , being ontop of
me.. Or in a way I would to ana, after consuming something sinful and delicious. STaring back at myself in a public restroom mirror. Apologizing, Feeling guilty for messing and abusing her. Begging her to forgive me,so we can start allover. "ana,take me. Ana,love me.I'm here for you to take over."
I told god this,instead. This time.
Sick of speaking to something that can speak back..
well,can this speak back?can he? I feel like he did. Maybe im dellusional.
but I felt something beyond me. If i could explain,i would say a huge big fat invisiable blob of force in the corner of my bedroom as I choked on my own mascara and self pity.
I was so warn down and torn apart
my heroin was my own fingers, my stubbornness,my hollow stomach.
My addiction was my instability, my morphed perception.
My emptiness...its got me..
The agony Ive felt,I cannot explain..cannot put into words.
My hatred for humanity.. one of the reasons its so strong and raw,
because all ppeople ever do is compare..is measure. Mock and manipulate. They want reasons,definitions,approximations, exact answers.
They want math and science,
I want spatial sensation.
They want notes and chemistry,substance stained goggles and Bubbling experiments.
Gloves and medication precriptions.
All I want is, happiness. Purity. Harmony. Abstract outlooks and blind judgment.
No definition. No man made theory.Instead,self theory unspoken. Unshared.Just think to yourself..no need to preach or contribute by science. Just love and think to yourself.
Wild,free fields of wheat and grain
flowers,trees,lakes
animals and meadows of green
love making
sun shining
no school
no cars
no taxes
no work
no internet
no television
no britney spears
no booze
no burger king
no worry.
just live,
live the way you wish to live,in the moment you wish to die.
does that make sense?
it does to me.
think about it.
when youve been sucicidal.
how did you WANT to live?
at the moment,life is something you dispise.Disgusts you.Youre screaming and begging in so many ways,for so many reasons,for so many things.
but if you were to live,how would you live?
would you run to the store and buy 25 boxes of icecream?
would you quit your time consuming job and travel the world?
would you patch up past tattered relationships,and become closer to god?
Would you prioritize your possessions?
Would you move to a cabin somewhere far in the woods?
or a mellow place somewhere on the oceanside..
live the way you wish to live,in the moment you wish to die.
right?thats the only way to live,really.
When I tell people this...when i explain to them my outlook on life,how i want to live..they look at me like i'm dreaming. like im crazy. like i'm selfish,stubborn and out of my head. Like i'm full of teenage angst and rebellion. like i'm angry. like i'm rebellious. Like i'm non realistic. Like im surreal. Like i'm..infinite. like i'm a disrespecting sheep in the cloned herd of humanity .like i'm being bad and making sin for straying from everyone else who sits there everyday,allday,sipping from the same pond,eating the same grain. Like i'm evil for shaving my coat and changing myself for the better. Like im terrible for following my heart . My god given instinct.
to me,this is natural. My dreams.My goals. My outlook on life.
Today,I go humble.
Today, I strive for something better.
Today, the first day,I will try to kill the addiction.
Today,I will try to slay ana.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Ana verses the man in the sky
"Hi,My name is amanda,and I'm a recovering addict.."
but I dont want to really recover,..
I'm addicted to the surreal.
I'm addicted to a love that tries to tell me its dead,but I just cant believe it.
i'm partially at fault.
Im addicted to the emptiness.
Im addicted to a sore throat and empty stomach.
im addicted to feeling belligerent,delusional and lightheaded.
i'm addicted to living on the edge but never taking risks
i'm addicted to my own vulnerability
i'm addicted to crashing over and over again
i'm addicted to death,or the thought of it.
i'm addicted to violence.
i'm addicted to ugliness
i'm addicted to screaming and crying
im addicted to bruises and beatings
im addicted to negativity
i'm addicted to everything i hate but love in some sort of way
i'm addicted to getting walked allover
im addicted to being abused
i'm addicted to feeling worthless
i'm addicted to panic attacks
i'm addicted to getting dizzy and not being able to breathe
i'm addicted to perversion
i'm addicted to sin,all kinds of sin.
i'm addicted to self mutilation and self destruction
and destruction and inner demolition in a way you could never comprehend
i'm addicted to masochism.
i'm addicted to dominance,being dominated.
i'm addicted to rape.
i'm addicted to my drugs,my own personal drugs that arent typical to you..
im addicted with trying to help those who hate me or dont want any help at all..
trying to fix what i cannot control.
i'm addicted to looking at myself like a piece of clay to mold
just another piece of worthless art..
nothing special here
im addicted to controlling myself because all others ever have tried to do was control me
so i gain back control
and change the way i look
but,i want god.
its something new.
but I dont want to really recover,..
I'm addicted to the surreal.
I'm addicted to a love that tries to tell me its dead,but I just cant believe it.
i'm partially at fault.
Im addicted to the emptiness.
Im addicted to a sore throat and empty stomach.
im addicted to feeling belligerent,delusional and lightheaded.
i'm addicted to living on the edge but never taking risks
i'm addicted to my own vulnerability
i'm addicted to crashing over and over again
i'm addicted to death,or the thought of it.
i'm addicted to violence.
i'm addicted to ugliness
i'm addicted to screaming and crying
im addicted to bruises and beatings
im addicted to negativity
i'm addicted to everything i hate but love in some sort of way
i'm addicted to getting walked allover
im addicted to being abused
i'm addicted to feeling worthless
i'm addicted to panic attacks
i'm addicted to getting dizzy and not being able to breathe
i'm addicted to perversion
i'm addicted to sin,all kinds of sin.
i'm addicted to self mutilation and self destruction
and destruction and inner demolition in a way you could never comprehend
i'm addicted to masochism.
i'm addicted to dominance,being dominated.
i'm addicted to rape.
i'm addicted to my drugs,my own personal drugs that arent typical to you..
im addicted with trying to help those who hate me or dont want any help at all..
trying to fix what i cannot control.
i'm addicted to looking at myself like a piece of clay to mold
just another piece of worthless art..
nothing special here
im addicted to controlling myself because all others ever have tried to do was control me
so i gain back control
and change the way i look
but,i want god.
its something new.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Youre making me laugh.
Stop trying to "save" me,or help me.I don't even know you.
It's not going to work,really.
If my own mother cannot really affect me in a way a "savior" would,then why the hell would a STRANGER on the internet do so?
I mean,seriously.
and that whole "anonymity" isnt flattering or helpful either,so don't think thats supposed to soothe much.
My body,My life.
I'm not touching you,or your life.
I appreciate the supposed "compassion" but mind your business.
Do you go up to obese people,and try to to straighten their lives out by telling them they should eat less,and get help?
Do you randomly walk up to someone on the sidewalk,whos smoking a cigarette and tell them its a disgusting habit,and that they need to quit as soon as possible?
No.
HAHAHA
1] most people dont care.
2] people who DO care dont have the BALLS to do something in public.
chances are,I'm not your friend.
chances are,you don't even care about me,I dont care about you,really.
Go help someone who wants it.
Who really really..needs it.
because in my eyes,everything happens for a reason.I have faith,I have security.
Dont tell me how to live.
Dont tell me how to act.
Worse things are done,everyday..right under your nose..
majority of which you cannot physically see..
but and then you jump right up to try to criticize or "save" me just because you can see it on my skin?
It's not going to work,really.
If my own mother cannot really affect me in a way a "savior" would,then why the hell would a STRANGER on the internet do so?
I mean,seriously.
and that whole "anonymity" isnt flattering or helpful either,so don't think thats supposed to soothe much.
My body,My life.
I'm not touching you,or your life.
I appreciate the supposed "compassion" but mind your business.
Do you go up to obese people,and try to to straighten their lives out by telling them they should eat less,and get help?
Do you randomly walk up to someone on the sidewalk,whos smoking a cigarette and tell them its a disgusting habit,and that they need to quit as soon as possible?
No.
HAHAHA
1] most people dont care.
2] people who DO care dont have the BALLS to do something in public.
chances are,I'm not your friend.
chances are,you don't even care about me,I dont care about you,really.
Go help someone who wants it.
Who really really..needs it.
because in my eyes,everything happens for a reason.I have faith,I have security.
Dont tell me how to live.
Dont tell me how to act.
Worse things are done,everyday..right under your nose..
majority of which you cannot physically see..
but and then you jump right up to try to criticize or "save" me just because you can see it on my skin?
Monday, February 23, 2009
i'm in love with her.
I dont want to ever let her go.
though the smell of final dishes are delectable
her scent is so much more delicious than anything else
though the taste of the chocolate,melting in my mouth
her taste is sweeter than anything... anything else.
though the smell of final dishes are delectable
her scent is so much more delicious than anything else
though the taste of the chocolate,melting in my mouth
her taste is sweeter than anything... anything else.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
That damn bracelet slips back on my wrist.
I made up my mind,in the sense of not making up my mind. Its ok,everything is ok. I'll spin round and round some more..
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Things are different now.
I have never felt this disgusting...this ill.
I know,something beautiful exists out there. I never had before. But now,I know.
Everything will be ok..because "Everything is perfect". Nothing is flawed. Everything is fixable.
I'll be ok without him. The one I kissed.
I'll be ok with her. The one I wore on my wrist.
I'll be ok without it. The punishment.
I'll be fine with this.
I know,something beautiful exists out there. I never had before. But now,I know.
Everything will be ok..because "Everything is perfect". Nothing is flawed. Everything is fixable.
I'll be ok without him. The one I kissed.
I'll be ok with her. The one I wore on my wrist.
I'll be ok without it. The punishment.
I'll be fine with this.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Mental retardation.
Bullshit has taken a toll on me. I love all you beautiful people who see a light within me.. but lately,i feel Like its all an illusion. ..or maybe it was a pure flame,thats slo.. w l...y.. dying out.
a diming light.
I used to have such a beautiful way with words.. Now..I don't. I dont feel like I Do. I mean,the physical sensation is still there. Before,I had sensation..and.. expression. Now,I'm still that same person,(Just a bit more fucked up) just without the proper form of expression! cant put my feelings or thoughts into words because they are so abstract and a l l o v e r this place. Out of this -------------------> universe,really.
I imagine my thoughts and feelings being a sort of a collage.. An endless,Large collage..full of cuts outs of flower pots,and black and white lines and splattered neon paint..and.. I dont know. See? Here I go again. I feel it..Just cant express it.
I cant concentrate in anything. All I can do is..sip water and listen to music and lay in bed..or..hang up clothes and shoes compulsively on a rack so none of them are lopsided or falling off or look uneven. ha.
I cant even think. Very scarce amount of people understand me when I talk about it..[talk about how i cant think or talk..]
I'm like alice,But this wonderland is worse. More horrifying. And Instead of being called Alice,I'll be "Ana".
I thank god they exist though.
anyway,basically,I think I'm going mentally retarded. aha. My brain must be shutting down. I'm even forgetting how to like..fucking spell certain things that ive always used to spell perfectly. Or like..pronunciation .. haha.
And,I'm forgetting everything in school. I take hours worth of notes,.I 'm extremly technical when it comes to notes. I find every single bit of knowledge of information valuable,and precious.I want to know it all,but Its like my brain rejects any information.
I'm trying,I really really am.
Maybe I need a tutor.
But instead of trying to save me,people criticize me or punish me. Thinking i'm.."rebelling" or not giving a shit,when thats not the case at all.
Even IF i tried to explain,no one listens.Their heads are up their asses.
I have unbelievable potiental,I know I do.
I'm becomming ugly..oh god no! I don't want to lose the person I was.. but.. maybe If I became numb,I wouldnt be upset with the new zombie I'll become.
a diming light.
I used to have such a beautiful way with words.. Now..I don't. I dont feel like I Do. I mean,the physical sensation is still there. Before,I had sensation..and.. expression. Now,I'm still that same person,(Just a bit more fucked up) just without the proper form of expression! cant put my feelings or thoughts into words because they are so abstract and a l l o v e r this place. Out of this -------------------> universe,really.
I imagine my thoughts and feelings being a sort of a collage.. An endless,Large collage..full of cuts outs of flower pots,and black and white lines and splattered neon paint..and.. I dont know. See? Here I go again. I feel it..Just cant express it.
I cant concentrate in anything. All I can do is..sip water and listen to music and lay in bed..or..hang up clothes and shoes compulsively on a rack so none of them are lopsided or falling off or look uneven. ha.
I cant even think. Very scarce amount of people understand me when I talk about it..[talk about how i cant think or talk..]
I'm like alice,But this wonderland is worse. More horrifying. And Instead of being called Alice,I'll be "Ana".
I thank god they exist though.
anyway,basically,I think I'm going mentally retarded. aha. My brain must be shutting down. I'm even forgetting how to like..fucking spell certain things that ive always used to spell perfectly. Or like..pronunciation .. haha.
And,I'm forgetting everything in school. I take hours worth of notes,.I 'm extremly technical when it comes to notes. I find every single bit of knowledge of information valuable,and precious.I want to know it all,but Its like my brain rejects any information.
I'm trying,I really really am.
Maybe I need a tutor.
But instead of trying to save me,people criticize me or punish me. Thinking i'm.."rebelling" or not giving a shit,when thats not the case at all.
Even IF i tried to explain,no one listens.Their heads are up their asses.
I have unbelievable potiental,I know I do.
I'm becomming ugly..oh god no! I don't want to lose the person I was.. but.. maybe If I became numb,I wouldnt be upset with the new zombie I'll become.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The death of innocence
A vicious cycle.. I don't want to lose this touch,this outlook,this perception.I don't want to grow old and bitter,or just a few years older and bitter.
The world will be the death of me. he will be the death of me.The silence will be the death of me. All that ravishes and plunders with absent remorse,...will the death of me.
This media,this society..could take the shiniest to rust,
Will grab you by your ankles and swallow you whole,
if you realize it or not.. I'm starting to think it happens to everyone.
Sure,I'm fucked up.. but not entirely. Since I'm completely split in half and never one initial way completely. Theres still such.. purity. Such intact innocence within me..Such hatred for corruption..Such fear.. is fear a naivety?or is it just a vulnerable emotion?
I'm scared of getting a job,of driving..
of growing out of old clothes,
of visually maturing.
I have my faults,and My flaws. I'm not holy Mary.
My throat rejects water,and It tastes like blood.
I want to break mirrors
I snap at people easily
Most of the time,I hate humanity.
I can be reckless and careless.
I dont want this.
I dont really... conciously crave a vile substance to help take away the pain..
I'm just lost..
and maybe..just maybe...aimless feelings.. being lost..confusion..pain.and hopelessness,is a form of innocence?
Maybe corruption in itself,and tattered outlooks, poisoned intentions..and scraped knees,and knotted hair and cigarette lips are all forms of innocence?
maybe..ignorance..arrogance?
maybe... the after ward rape affect..
rape of the body and mind,yet not sexually.
maybe THAT is.... innocence?
The death of my innocence.
There may be rebirth..
but never like the scent of a confused virgin.
The world will be the death of me. he will be the death of me.The silence will be the death of me. All that ravishes and plunders with absent remorse,...will the death of me.
This media,this society..could take the shiniest to rust,
Will grab you by your ankles and swallow you whole,
if you realize it or not.. I'm starting to think it happens to everyone.
Sure,I'm fucked up.. but not entirely. Since I'm completely split in half and never one initial way completely. Theres still such.. purity. Such intact innocence within me..Such hatred for corruption..Such fear.. is fear a naivety?or is it just a vulnerable emotion?
I'm scared of getting a job,of driving..
of growing out of old clothes,
of visually maturing.
I have my faults,and My flaws. I'm not holy Mary.
My throat rejects water,and It tastes like blood.
I want to break mirrors
I snap at people easily
Most of the time,I hate humanity.
I can be reckless and careless.
I dont want this.
I dont really... conciously crave a vile substance to help take away the pain..
I'm just lost..
and maybe..just maybe...aimless feelings.. being lost..confusion..pain.and hopelessness,is a form of innocence?
Maybe corruption in itself,and tattered outlooks, poisoned intentions..and scraped knees,and knotted hair and cigarette lips are all forms of innocence?
maybe..ignorance..arrogance?
maybe... the after ward rape affect..
rape of the body and mind,yet not sexually.
maybe THAT is.... innocence?
The death of my innocence.
There may be rebirth..
but never like the scent of a confused virgin.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
We do enough for ourselves. I think its time for the animals now.
This is utterly disgusting.
People need to KNOW what they're eating. How it became food. What youre putting in your body. Might as well walk down the street and start sipping from a used ,half empty soda can. I'm sick of the vile abuse that goes on in this world.. the careless people in it.
SPREAD THE WORD!
Watch video:
McCruelty: I'm Hatin' It--Learn More.
Please take action and fill this out:
http://getactive.peta.org/campaign/mccruelty
I know it may be difficult for people to sway from big time fast food chains,but for me,all it takes is a bit of cruel reality. A small video. I'm done.
also:
Peopl
SPREAD THE WORD!
Watch video:
McCruelty: I'm Hatin' It--Learn More.
Please take action and fill this out:
http://getactive.peta.org/campaign/mccruelty
I know it may be difficult for people to sway from big time fast food chains,but for me,all it takes is a bit of cruel reality. A small video. I'm done.
also:
Monday, February 16, 2009
Who wants perfect?
so..hes an asshole.
so what?
no,really.
hes GENUINELY an asshole.
but who wants a sweet guy,anyway?
what is a life..without conflict? wheres the excitement? wheres the connection?
if its perfect,it dies off..at least if it starts dead... it cant possibly die anymore..leaving it with only choice of... growing for the better?
so what?
no,really.
hes GENUINELY an asshole.
but who wants a sweet guy,anyway?
what is a life..without conflict? wheres the excitement? wheres the connection?
if its perfect,it dies off..at least if it starts dead... it cant possibly die anymore..leaving it with only choice of... growing for the better?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Pro Red bracelet?
I messed up today
I was poison in the pond of a perfect water fast
I was crumbs and broken pieces of dinner
drops and chunks slipping through my frail,shaky fingers
creating waves and wrinkles through the sapphire
tiny whirlpools of guilt and regret
polluting the pure with what i wish was successful vomit
I am,complex
was it worth it? never.
I look around,and cant relate..
to crowds and happy mouths, all maids,cleaning plates
they say i'm not me,because I said i'd never be this way
but I am me,you see
because we all have a chance of change
ive changed and soon.. I will change again.
So tired and weak
shot nerves and skyrocketing blood count
I am..killing myself?
but I was always dead
thus,I Am not afraid
I am red bracelet.
I am not a label.
I am a feeling
I am not pro or anti anything
I am ..me.
I am a beautiful person
I am a human being
I am mistakes and ugliness
they make me pretty
I am breaking,
I am building
I am destroying,
I am creating.
I am,"Fuck you".
I am, compassion.open arms.Warmth.hugging.
I am,hatred. Broken glass,cold and alone.Bruised knees, chest bones.
I am love.Chest bones.Why cant chest bones be love?
For if this is only a chapter of my life,
this week is a section
and tonights flaw is merely a sentence.
I can rewrite.
Life is but a moment
and,I am..
red bracelet.
I was poison in the pond of a perfect water fast
I was crumbs and broken pieces of dinner
drops and chunks slipping through my frail,shaky fingers
creating waves and wrinkles through the sapphire
tiny whirlpools of guilt and regret
polluting the pure with what i wish was successful vomit
I am,complex
was it worth it? never.
I look around,and cant relate..
to crowds and happy mouths, all maids,cleaning plates
they say i'm not me,because I said i'd never be this way
but I am me,you see
because we all have a chance of change
ive changed and soon.. I will change again.
So tired and weak
shot nerves and skyrocketing blood count
I am..killing myself?
but I was always dead
thus,I Am not afraid
I am red bracelet.
I am not a label.
I am a feeling
I am not pro or anti anything
I am ..me.
I am a beautiful person
I am a human being
I am mistakes and ugliness
they make me pretty
I am breaking,
I am building
I am destroying,
I am creating.
I am,"Fuck you".
I am, compassion.open arms.Warmth.hugging.
I am,hatred. Broken glass,cold and alone.Bruised knees, chest bones.
I am love.Chest bones.Why cant chest bones be love?
For if this is only a chapter of my life,
this week is a section
and tonights flaw is merely a sentence.
I can rewrite.
Life is but a moment
and,I am..
red bracelet.
Caught up in my own thoughts..
soon I started to observe the similar thoughts of others..
unfolded a disorder.
I'm not okay,but I don't think I'm close to the edge either...
wait no,... I kind of am,nevermind.
Although,I do feel as if i'm dying. and It wont take much more until I start to die physically.
but, ..people..as always..will judge situations by apparent severity.
I sink in confusion. I dont understand.. How sore girls can say they arent "pro"
yet they still remain sore?
how can you not be "pro" but still be within a disorder?
Almost as if turning your back away from who you are
ashamed,embarrased? Why? why ? why?!
or singling out those in confusion,
trying to label things all by yourself
as if its yours to neatly,compulsively categorize
you say youre not pro,
but in a way.. you subconciously are,
because you still sleep in the chamber of that mindset.
and you play in the baskets of those feelings..
dipping your toes in whatever interests you..selfishly..
no.. no no..
you cant have half,you must bear the whole.
well,
hm. I think...
Theres a reason for everything.
Whatever happens,happens.
There is origination and innocence to all.
There is a starting point for everything.
So how can you not be "pro"
if it is what you are?
And why is it what you are,
if you are made up of other things as well?
Why cant you just be "pro yourself?"
or is that..impossible?
I am not pro anything.
I am
my body.
my life.
I am,
my choice.
I am,
Pro me.
I am,
human
and full of complications
and misunderstandings
of logic unable to decipher
and feelings so deep,impossible to uncover
I am.. contradictions
I am, dangerous
I am,safe.
I am so negative,
I am so optimistic
I am so broken,
I am so.. okay.
I am..not okay.
I will..kill you.
I will shelter you.
I will pull you close and beg you to help me,
I will push you away and tell you to stop trying to save me.
I want help,I dont want help.
I want to do it my way.
I panic,
I calm.
I realize,
I'm in fog
I recover,
and I.. die.
I am..
red bracelet.
I am,
determination.
I am,
sickness.
I am..
sickness.
Always have been.
Always will be.
Maybe.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Do you know how strong I am?
I don't really think you know the meaning of self control.
Do you know how difficult it is?
I would fall in love with someone like me,
not because I like me.
But because I know what its like to feel unloved,
and I know what it is to not love someone like me.
I would caress her,
I would share with her
I wouldn't dissemble her
I would preserve her innocence.
I wouldn't try to change her
But I wouldn't let her die
I'd share this feeling...
because I have self control.
Do you know how difficult it is?
I would fall in love with someone like me,
not because I like me.
But because I know what its like to feel unloved,
and I know what it is to not love someone like me.
I would caress her,
I would share with her
I wouldn't dissemble her
I would preserve her innocence.
I wouldn't try to change her
But I wouldn't let her die
I'd share this feeling...
because I have self control.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
ablah
I'm Now 'banana girl'. A fresh concept I'm cooking up somewhere in the depths of my pretty subconscious. I don't really like bananas,(to be frank,I actually quite despise the taste of them)but, I force myself to eat them.
You cant understand me...
You cant understand,because its humanly impossible to categorize me.
Even the tightest stereotype,falls lose around my neck
And i'm smiling,because no matter how hard you try,it will never stick long.
I cant even label myself,they havent made one that "fitting" yet..
Labels make things easier.
Labels sickly clarify the dysfunctional, atmosphere
helps us understand the reality,the nature..
Science,numbers,rules,and long division..
all such labels, to make things simple.
To give it a name.
to be able to slam it down in a text book,
to be able to close the cover or flip the page.
to have all the entire reason of its existence,all the infinite answers in the desperate grip of your shaking hands,
as you wait in the checkout line at the local library..
how beautiful is that?
to be able to understand?
Oh but,you cant understand me that way. You never well.
i'm alone.
No one will listen,they say they do,they say they want to.. but they lie. and It feels good at the time as I lose blood from their knives in my frail spine
Its just a game,you know?
Its a pity thing. Its a fooling thing.
They do love me,they probably do..but not enough.
And i'm alone..
theres no one to tell
no support,no shoulder to lean on
no chest to cry into
people just look at me like im mad
I am mad,but im sane at the same time.
and.. your brain cant focus on the median of sanity and insanity.
I'm not like those girls who all huddle up in the bathroom,passing down the toothbrush from under neath the stall,
one gag at a time,and the emptiness is gone.
one flush away, One wipe of the mouth.one lip gloss application. One pull down on the skirt.
Out of the door,and gone away,
I dont need anyone.
I dont really need friends, i tell myself.
I stay alone,in the corner..by myself.
I'm not like those kids who wear sullen on their face..
ive been told i'm very diverse and versatile,
sometimes.. I look okay. Sometimes,I'm quite delightful.At least my mouth reads that way.
cant say my eyes,but my lips are good at fooling.
I'm not like that hollow girl,20 lbs,6 foot tall,designer mini gown backstage,alone..
a cigarette in her hand, a dead on,blank stare.. into the absent space of I dont know what.
no thats not me.
i dont need to smoke my pain away.
im all alone.
no cigarette..
I'm just me.
take your labels, you cant drop my name underneath it even if you wanted to.
You cant understand me...
You cant understand,because its humanly impossible to categorize me.
Even the tightest stereotype,falls lose around my neck
And i'm smiling,because no matter how hard you try,it will never stick long.
I cant even label myself,they havent made one that "fitting" yet..
Labels make things easier.
Labels sickly clarify the dysfunctional, atmosphere
helps us understand the reality,the nature..
Science,numbers,rules,and long division..
all such labels, to make things simple.
To give it a name.
to be able to slam it down in a text book,
to be able to close the cover or flip the page.
to have all the entire reason of its existence,all the infinite answers in the desperate grip of your shaking hands,
as you wait in the checkout line at the local library..
how beautiful is that?
to be able to understand?
Oh but,you cant understand me that way. You never well.
i'm alone.
No one will listen,they say they do,they say they want to.. but they lie. and It feels good at the time as I lose blood from their knives in my frail spine
Its just a game,you know?
Its a pity thing. Its a fooling thing.
They do love me,they probably do..but not enough.
And i'm alone..
theres no one to tell
no support,no shoulder to lean on
no chest to cry into
people just look at me like im mad
I am mad,but im sane at the same time.
and.. your brain cant focus on the median of sanity and insanity.
I'm not like those girls who all huddle up in the bathroom,passing down the toothbrush from under neath the stall,
one gag at a time,and the emptiness is gone.
one flush away, One wipe of the mouth.one lip gloss application. One pull down on the skirt.
Out of the door,and gone away,
I dont need anyone.
I dont really need friends, i tell myself.
I stay alone,in the corner..by myself.
I'm not like those kids who wear sullen on their face..
ive been told i'm very diverse and versatile,
sometimes.. I look okay. Sometimes,I'm quite delightful.At least my mouth reads that way.
cant say my eyes,but my lips are good at fooling.
I'm not like that hollow girl,20 lbs,6 foot tall,designer mini gown backstage,alone..
a cigarette in her hand, a dead on,blank stare.. into the absent space of I dont know what.
no thats not me.
i dont need to smoke my pain away.
im all alone.
no cigarette..
I'm just me.
take your labels, you cant drop my name underneath it even if you wanted to.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Theres a character in you,too.
What is life without having an alternate world?
A secret mental land?
A powerful perception?
An internal ego?
A private persona?
An inside personality?
A complex identity?
The real you,vs the you that others perceive..hmm?
Youre a character.
I'm a character.
Internally,we are who we are.
Externally,we are who we are.
Period.
Points of views,points of views is what they are.What the world is made of.
Perception,and perspectives.
Internally,We get certain ideas of who we are.
We assume we know ourselves better than anyone else does,
but often times I find myself comparing my own thoughts of who I am
to the information others seem to of gathered of who they think I am..
scrambled words,mixed letters
unorganized,messy,distraught,wild,infinate.
Allover the place.
Sweet and sour stench.A brain fuck.Two at a time.
Internally, I am who I am.
I'm yet to (never) know who I am,
yet I know plenty of myself at the same time.
We can never understand ourselves,completely.
The strive is over,when we're dead.
A sleeping destination.
Thats when you've completed this ...'self research'.
Because,Lets fact it,Theres too much information within to comprehend.
No need to figure this out,let it be..
but i cant help but feel so uncomfortable as I see my own face
reflect from within the pupils of others.
how do you see me?
If I told you who I was,would you even believe me?
would you doubt?
would you laugh?
would you turn away,because you didnt "think" of me that way..
or you just had no idea at all,because of how shy I seem to be?
To look at something..and then suddenly feel ..so ..much.
When I say "feel", I mean,the cognition is extreme and so immense..Mindblowing.breathtaking.Captivating,Stalling.
It effects us all not only mentally,but physically.
It tells us what to do,It plays a huge part on how we feel.
Cognition,connection- to environment.
Cognition,connection- to..clinical dysfunction/biological behavior?
I look at everything,random things,things everywhere.
in the house,outside,in supermarkets,in the bus,on the street..
stop signs,
black top gravel,
the colors inside a book store,
of everything from the different colored spines of the books,and the shapes,the sizes.
the endless,overwhelming text
the bold,the italic..the large,catchy title and
the tiny,aligned overall print of every chapter.
the smell of candles,coffee.
The way that checkout clerk looked at me.
the sound of cars honking,and trunks slamming.
and they all make me...feel.
they touch me..
they play with my hair
and brush against my bare stomach..
lifting my blouse,and kissing my neck.
Do you see?
Can you feel it too?
Dont you see,
the cognition is fucking me.
mm,and its good.
And its private.
yet... people around me,think that its public.
think that they have the right,to get inside of my head.
to judge,to know
to...understand?
I love its hands..
and its wrong..so wrong for you to want to stand and watch,
...but its right at the same time.
Its so beautiful
I may be looking at something,but you dont know how it feels to me,on the inside.
Underneath my flesh,in the slime and the blood.
against the walls of meat,bouncing upon the DNA streams.
Zapping through sudden flickers of electrochemical brain waves
I may be staring at a teapot,my head may turn,my head may stay still..
I may have this particularly peculiar look on my face,
but my thoughts very well be the total opposite.
If I grin,I may really feel sullen
If I frown,I may be actually content
If I whine,I may not be whining out of pain at all,
but of pleasure..or desire.
to you,i may be a sort of girl.
some sort of girl.
some specific type of girl.
a bitch?
a sweetheart.
a slut.
an innocent.
an honest person,
a liar?
but that doesnt mean that I really am of those things..
because,again..
its perception and perspectives.
Your boyfriend may be Prince romeo to you,
but he may be the most disgustly,vile cad to his ex girlfriend.
Strawberry jam on toast may taste so delcious to you,
but it may taste like a Styrofoam box to your friend.
That small place in the city,may be such a ruckus,
such a burden,a stress, an urban cram to your neighbor.
but It may be the most enjoyable,amusing,interesting place youve ever lived.
If youre my mother,I may be your daughter.
Your stomach would turn at the thought of a mans hands allover me
If youre my brother,I may be your sister,youve never seen a really serious side of me
If youre my teacher,I am your student
We cant talk about masturbation,or how I cant stand organized religion.
but I am me..
in so many different layers.
I am layers.
I am sections.
I am parts,and pieces.
I am fragments and particals
I am everything.
I am a character.
I'm in a movie
the most significant movie of all
this movie: Life.
I'm in a tv show
i'm on a runway
im in a book
im in a painting
A theater
Dramatics
Hysterics
Plots
situations
Conflicts
uprising
resolutions
music,music
costume!
DESIGN.
the best art: Life.
I've been a written girl,
Described facial features
A creative role
Someone made me,
but I made myself.
We both made me.
because,its all about
perception and perspectives.
A strict screen play script
"dont mess up"they say
Do i fall?
I like to fall.
I'm dangerous
I have these...little drugs..
Drugs?
but are they drugs?
I think they are.
Theres my love,as a posion,he is.
my restraints,My punishment. My masochism,and then there are actual pills.
mm..?
And cigarettes.
And wanting to kiss,
And running away.
And being thin.
And Wanting to die,
and drinking apple juice.
And bruises on my body,
and heart shaped sunglasses.
And being rejected,and being hurt.
dirt on my hands,but perfect hair.
red nail polish,and pretty lips.
runny liner,but soft,bare,clean little knees..
watch me.
This world,really is a play.
Its a film.
Watch me.
Feel me.
Let me touch you,brush against you
Let me inside your head,and kiss your thoughts
my actions,
my dysfunctional life
my faults,
my flaws
I'm not special,really.
Yet I completely am.
theres a character in you,too.
Just find it.Embrace it.
I'm a girl you're yet to know.
I'm a girl you may read about,
or maybe not.
I'm a character.
Indirect and direct characterization
your perception
as you read...these..
sentences..
your thoughts of me..
the sensations..
the ideal,and the strange.
who am I...
to you?
A secret mental land?
A powerful perception?
An internal ego?
A private persona?
An inside personality?
A complex identity?
The real you,vs the you that others perceive..hmm?
Youre a character.
I'm a character.
Internally,we are who we are.
Externally,we are who we are.
Period.
Points of views,points of views is what they are.What the world is made of.
Perception,and perspectives.
Internally,We get certain ideas of who we are.
We assume we know ourselves better than anyone else does,
but often times I find myself comparing my own thoughts of who I am
to the information others seem to of gathered of who they think I am..
scrambled words,mixed letters
unorganized,messy,distraught,wild,infinate.
Allover the place.
Sweet and sour stench.A brain fuck.Two at a time.
Internally, I am who I am.
I'm yet to (never) know who I am,
yet I know plenty of myself at the same time.
We can never understand ourselves,completely.
The strive is over,when we're dead.
A sleeping destination.
Thats when you've completed this ...'self research'.
Because,Lets fact it,Theres too much information within to comprehend.
No need to figure this out,let it be..
but i cant help but feel so uncomfortable as I see my own face
reflect from within the pupils of others.
how do you see me?
If I told you who I was,would you even believe me?
would you doubt?
would you laugh?
would you turn away,because you didnt "think" of me that way..
or you just had no idea at all,because of how shy I seem to be?
To look at something..and then suddenly feel ..so ..much.
When I say "feel", I mean,the cognition is extreme and so immense..Mindblowing.breathtaking.Captivating,Stalling.
It effects us all not only mentally,but physically.
It tells us what to do,It plays a huge part on how we feel.
Cognition,connection- to environment.
Cognition,connection- to..clinical dysfunction/biological behavior?
I look at everything,random things,things everywhere.
in the house,outside,in supermarkets,in the bus,on the street..
stop signs,
black top gravel,
the colors inside a book store,
of everything from the different colored spines of the books,and the shapes,the sizes.
the endless,overwhelming text
the bold,the italic..the large,catchy title and
the tiny,aligned overall print of every chapter.
the smell of candles,coffee.
The way that checkout clerk looked at me.
the sound of cars honking,and trunks slamming.
and they all make me...feel.
they touch me..
they play with my hair
and brush against my bare stomach..
lifting my blouse,and kissing my neck.
Do you see?
Can you feel it too?
Dont you see,
the cognition is fucking me.
mm,and its good.
And its private.
yet... people around me,think that its public.
think that they have the right,to get inside of my head.
to judge,to know
to...understand?
I love its hands..
and its wrong..so wrong for you to want to stand and watch,
...but its right at the same time.
Its so beautiful
I may be looking at something,but you dont know how it feels to me,on the inside.
Underneath my flesh,in the slime and the blood.
against the walls of meat,bouncing upon the DNA streams.
Zapping through sudden flickers of electrochemical brain waves
I may be staring at a teapot,my head may turn,my head may stay still..
I may have this particularly peculiar look on my face,
but my thoughts very well be the total opposite.
If I grin,I may really feel sullen
If I frown,I may be actually content
If I whine,I may not be whining out of pain at all,
but of pleasure..or desire.
to you,i may be a sort of girl.
some sort of girl.
some specific type of girl.
a bitch?
a sweetheart.
a slut.
an innocent.
an honest person,
a liar?
but that doesnt mean that I really am of those things..
because,again..
its perception and perspectives.
Your boyfriend may be Prince romeo to you,
but he may be the most disgustly,vile cad to his ex girlfriend.
Strawberry jam on toast may taste so delcious to you,
but it may taste like a Styrofoam box to your friend.
That small place in the city,may be such a ruckus,
such a burden,a stress, an urban cram to your neighbor.
but It may be the most enjoyable,amusing,interesting place youve ever lived.
If youre my mother,I may be your daughter.
Your stomach would turn at the thought of a mans hands allover me
If youre my brother,I may be your sister,youve never seen a really serious side of me
If youre my teacher,I am your student
We cant talk about masturbation,or how I cant stand organized religion.
but I am me..
in so many different layers.
I am layers.
I am sections.
I am parts,and pieces.
I am fragments and particals
I am everything.
I am a character.
I'm in a movie
the most significant movie of all
this movie: Life.
I'm in a tv show
i'm on a runway
im in a book
im in a painting
A theater
Dramatics
Hysterics
Plots
situations
Conflicts
uprising
resolutions
music,music
costume!
DESIGN.
the best art: Life.
I've been a written girl,
Described facial features
A creative role
Someone made me,
but I made myself.
We both made me.
because,its all about
perception and perspectives.
A strict screen play script
"dont mess up"they say
Do i fall?
I like to fall.
I'm dangerous
I have these...little drugs..
Drugs?
but are they drugs?
I think they are.
Theres my love,as a posion,he is.
my restraints,My punishment. My masochism,and then there are actual pills.
mm..?
And cigarettes.
And wanting to kiss,
And running away.
And being thin.
And Wanting to die,
and drinking apple juice.
And bruises on my body,
and heart shaped sunglasses.
And being rejected,and being hurt.
dirt on my hands,but perfect hair.
red nail polish,and pretty lips.
runny liner,but soft,bare,clean little knees..
watch me.
This world,really is a play.
Its a film.
Watch me.
Feel me.
Let me touch you,brush against you
Let me inside your head,and kiss your thoughts
my actions,
my dysfunctional life
my faults,
my flaws
I'm not special,really.
Yet I completely am.
theres a character in you,too.
Just find it.Embrace it.
I'm a girl you're yet to know.
I'm a girl you may read about,
or maybe not.
I'm a character.
Indirect and direct characterization
your perception
as you read...these..
sentences..
your thoughts of me..
the sensations..
the ideal,and the strange.
who am I...
to you?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I'm only human.
Just yesterday,I wrote in conversation to someone over myspace-
(to a lovely lady at that,if shes reading this ;p)
"but I'm only human.
so then once I realize that,I remember how beautiful I am again.
To have strange thoughts,and seemingly negative goals
some would say i'm aiming for destruction,
i dont think so..
i'm not afraid at all."
My head is spinning out of control,
I'm taking on so many different goals and dreams.
So many things I want,
I want to endure, feel,
obtain and fight for.
theres so many different layers.
Simply put, If I wanted to categorize each section of 'goals'
I would say, there would be an emotional and logical.
In the emotional,
I would probably continue to be tied down by a dead and abused 'love',
I would accept pain,and slightly dwell
I would curl up in my bed and never want to get out.
I would wait and wait around forever for someone who may never ever come.
I would punish myself in ways
I would accept different negative thoughts
instead of trying to softly embrace them shortly before replacing them with the better
on the logical side,
I would study alot more and get focused
I would go to college
i would push myself and push myself
i would throw myself out of bed in the morning.
I would get a job,drive,be responsible.
i would save up money in a bank account and not spend it recklessly on clothing or accessories.
i would eat right.
Ethics,and then theres these fucked up desires and fantasies and goals of mine.
Just after recently feeling in the middle of being a completely disgusting,sinful individual and a beautifully flawed,virginal(because of the sin like behavior) human being
[if that makes sense to anyone]
I have a love hate relationship with myself.
I came across this while studying earlier:
Freuds theory assumed that most of what exists in an individuals mind is unconscious and consists of conflicting impulses,urges,and wishes.according to freuds theories,human behavior is aimed at satisfying these desires even though some of them seem socially inappropriate or even unacceptable.but at the same time,people want to see themselves as good and decent human beings,thus,they often are consciously unaware of the real motivations for their behavior.
mm,then I thought.
There probably really isn't such thing as "fucked up" or "normal."
we're ALL tiny pieces of sin,and innocence.
normalcy,and abnormality.
positivity,and negativity
pain and pleasure
the guilty,the pure
the artist,the destroyer
you know?
we're everything in one. how dare I try to judge myself? how dare you try to judge me? how dare I try to judge you?
(to a lovely lady at that,if shes reading this ;p)
"but I'm only human.
so then once I realize that,I remember how beautiful I am again.
To have strange thoughts,and seemingly negative goals
some would say i'm aiming for destruction,
i dont think so..
i'm not afraid at all."
My head is spinning out of control,
I'm taking on so many different goals and dreams.
So many things I want,
I want to endure, feel,
obtain and fight for.
theres so many different layers.
Simply put, If I wanted to categorize each section of 'goals'
I would say, there would be an emotional and logical.
In the emotional,
I would probably continue to be tied down by a dead and abused 'love',
I would accept pain,and slightly dwell
I would curl up in my bed and never want to get out.
I would wait and wait around forever for someone who may never ever come.
I would punish myself in ways
I would accept different negative thoughts
instead of trying to softly embrace them shortly before replacing them with the better
on the logical side,
I would study alot more and get focused
I would go to college
i would push myself and push myself
i would throw myself out of bed in the morning.
I would get a job,drive,be responsible.
i would save up money in a bank account and not spend it recklessly on clothing or accessories.
i would eat right.
Ethics,and then theres these fucked up desires and fantasies and goals of mine.
Just after recently feeling in the middle of being a completely disgusting,sinful individual and a beautifully flawed,virginal(because of the sin like behavior) human being
[if that makes sense to anyone]
I have a love hate relationship with myself.
I came across this while studying earlier:
Freuds theory assumed that most of what exists in an individuals mind is unconscious and consists of conflicting impulses,urges,and wishes.according to freuds theories,human behavior is aimed at satisfying these desires even though some of them seem socially inappropriate or even unacceptable.but at the same time,people want to see themselves as good and decent human beings,thus,they often are consciously unaware of the real motivations for their behavior.
mm,then I thought.
There probably really isn't such thing as "fucked up" or "normal."
we're ALL tiny pieces of sin,and innocence.
normalcy,and abnormality.
positivity,and negativity
pain and pleasure
the guilty,the pure
the artist,the destroyer
you know?
we're everything in one. how dare I try to judge myself? how dare you try to judge me? how dare I try to judge you?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
O bjork,O bjork.Save me from this hell.
Perhaps 'headphones saved her life', Bjork endlessly saves mine.
I wish I had someone to talk to .Someone to relate to.
People dont understand,I think shes the only one who would.
Oh how stereotypically youthful,naive,emo and stubborn I must sound.I know,right?
"teenage angst."*cough* Label as you wish.
In reality?No.not at all. A persons ability to feel,a persons perception and breathtaking,overwhelming cognition should not be measured by the number of years they have existed.
A four year old can endure just as much as a 40 year old.
Its the truth though.
I cant talk to someone without them saying I "Think too much","over analyze" or that i'm the biggest theatrical artist/drama queen on the planet.
Its because I use big words and talk with emotion,and abstract,spatial,neon colored art flying every from my mouth.
I talk and feel at the same time.My words must physically rub against peoples skin or something.
Then theres those assholes who just dont get it at all.
i mean the jerks who mock me,make fun of me,or just cant comprehend me at all,are ONE thing.they are just ignorant,
but the fucking assholes who snap back at whatever beautiful connection I am trying to share with them,really get to me.
The ones who are just completely rude and tear apart any innocence I gently hand to them.
They dont deserve such a gift.
Bjork,
Bjork,bjork.
My love.
Read this pitiful post of mine,and contact me.
Ahaha
no,but seriously.
She is one of like 2 or 3 artists/ HUMAN BEINGS in this entire universe who I feel like i can relate too.
someone I know who understands.Somewhere whos beauty and intact innocence is so rare,stealing my breath away.
I have this beautiful feeling in the pit of my stomach,
a have this pulsating ache,this needy stimulation and powerful vibration in the palms of my nerous hands.. Dying to create something,a creation screaming to be born.
I need to share this with someone,
what is love,without human connection?
what is beauty,without human connection?
I wish I had someone to talk to .Someone to relate to.
People dont understand,I think shes the only one who would.
Oh how stereotypically youthful,naive,emo and stubborn I must sound.I know,right?
"teenage angst."*cough* Label as you wish.
In reality?No.not at all. A persons ability to feel,a persons perception and breathtaking,overwhelming cognition should not be measured by the number of years they have existed.
A four year old can endure just as much as a 40 year old.
Its the truth though.
I cant talk to someone without them saying I "Think too much","over analyze" or that i'm the biggest theatrical artist/drama queen on the planet.
Its because I use big words and talk with emotion,and abstract,spatial,neon colored art flying every from my mouth.
I talk and feel at the same time.My words must physically rub against peoples skin or something.
Then theres those assholes who just dont get it at all.
i mean the jerks who mock me,make fun of me,or just cant comprehend me at all,are ONE thing.they are just ignorant,
but the fucking assholes who snap back at whatever beautiful connection I am trying to share with them,really get to me.
The ones who are just completely rude and tear apart any innocence I gently hand to them.
They dont deserve such a gift.
Bjork,
Bjork,bjork.
My love.
Read this pitiful post of mine,and contact me.
Ahaha
no,but seriously.
She is one of like 2 or 3 artists/ HUMAN BEINGS in this entire universe who I feel like i can relate too.
someone I know who understands.Somewhere whos beauty and intact innocence is so rare,stealing my breath away.
I have this beautiful feeling in the pit of my stomach,
a have this pulsating ache,this needy stimulation and powerful vibration in the palms of my nerous hands.. Dying to create something,a creation screaming to be born.
I need to share this with someone,
what is love,without human connection?
what is beauty,without human connection?
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I want to.
I told him to run away with me.
I said I wanted to live somewhere pretty,in the countryside.
Just me and you.thats all we need.
Life is all about love. That is the reason of life,I believe.
Theres pain to endure,
but why do we endure it?
because of pain? no.theres more to pain,
theres love,and light.
Without love,there is no life.
Drop your gun.
Forget your drink.
take my hand,and run away with me.
I'm not scared,
you shouldnt be either.
Dont fear the world,its none to fear
youre the only one who scares me every now and then
and i'm sure I scare you sometimes too,but its all just in your head.
I told him to run away with me.
We could leave as soon as possible,please?
A roadtrip to an unknown destination
We can listen to fleetwood mac while driving through deserts and forests,
farmland and endless plains
off of the grid,the greedy,grabby hands of this piggish society.
If the government was a man (not that it isnt) but a man,in flesh and physical form,
standing tall,in a handsome tux,clean cut face and romantic eyes,
I would see right through his devilish thought and cheat him because of his gluttonous ways.
I'd never cheat on you,though.
you know i wouldnt. i love you,remember?
I told him to take me away,forever.
We can throw out the television,and lay in bed allday.
I would kiss your face
I would run my hands gently over your cheek,and rest it on your chin
you can pause your finger by my lip
i'll kiss it
thats not all that i'll kiss
i was feeling all needy,and scared and romantic
"run away with me." I said.
and then he went back to playing his 'sims'.
I said I wanted to live somewhere pretty,in the countryside.
Just me and you.thats all we need.
Life is all about love. That is the reason of life,I believe.
Theres pain to endure,
but why do we endure it?
because of pain? no.theres more to pain,
theres love,and light.
Without love,there is no life.
Drop your gun.
Forget your drink.
take my hand,and run away with me.
I'm not scared,
you shouldnt be either.
Dont fear the world,its none to fear
youre the only one who scares me every now and then
and i'm sure I scare you sometimes too,but its all just in your head.
I told him to run away with me.
We could leave as soon as possible,please?
A roadtrip to an unknown destination
We can listen to fleetwood mac while driving through deserts and forests,
farmland and endless plains
off of the grid,the greedy,grabby hands of this piggish society.
If the government was a man (not that it isnt) but a man,in flesh and physical form,
standing tall,in a handsome tux,clean cut face and romantic eyes,
I would see right through his devilish thought and cheat him because of his gluttonous ways.
I'd never cheat on you,though.
you know i wouldnt. i love you,remember?
I told him to take me away,forever.
We can throw out the television,and lay in bed allday.
I would kiss your face
I would run my hands gently over your cheek,and rest it on your chin
you can pause your finger by my lip
i'll kiss it
thats not all that i'll kiss
i was feeling all needy,and scared and romantic
"run away with me." I said.
and then he went back to playing his 'sims'.
Books to purchase.
Just lovely,yes?
I want a job at
Barnes and Noble so bad,but i'm afraid i'd get caught browsing allday. :P hmmph.
Friday, January 30, 2009
2009 Materialism: My wishlist.
I NEVER do this, ..
for one, I think there are alot more important things out there in the universe and alot more meaningful,conceptual,beautiful things to blog about before clothing or simple tangible items.
I feel like theres such a great power out there,in the centered pit of the universe. Its emotional,Its mental,Its an energy. Sometimes I even feel like its PHYSICAL.
Alot of girls are side tracked with false eyelashes,expensive pumps and play boy covers,They forget the actual beauty of life.. The materiallism pulls them away like a shallow wind, deceiving them from ever reaching that perfect,beautiful internal "pit".
I feel like Fashion is beautiful,but theres too many people out there who are unable to think past it.
Theres not enough metaphorical,spiritual beauty out there or bloggers who discuss deeper thoughts or more emotional perceptions.
BUT,I'm making an exception this time because I have come across so many adorable clothing pieces, And I cant keep track. So I think it would be cute to express it on here,and also easier for me to remember the websites they were on,so when it comes down to ordering them,I can actually do so :P
My relationship with fashion:
I like to consider myself an actress in many ways. An actress, in a way so non typical or litteral.
I take on different roles,I place myself in many different shoes (litterally) haha And fashion is something that I really consider to be an infinate sea for me to dive into. Role playing, Being theatrical but genuine and emotional at the same time with my clothing. Its an art.
Ultimate motto: I'd rather be 'NO WAY' instead of One way. I'm not just a few things, I'm everything. I really dislike when people limit themselves to different fashions,or only stick to a few basic styles.
Fashion is becoming more and more of my life.
So, Here are a mixture of some vegan pieces my mom had found for me.
'Beautiful Hippie Looks':
Everyone loves an echo friendly,people loving,animal adoring vegan bi polar girl. AHahaha.
These pieces can all be mixed and matched together.
HEADBANDS
SHOES
JEWELRY
TIGHTS
CLOTHING
'CUTE BUT TRUTHFUL PETA APPAREL':
TEES
PETA PINS FOR MY PURSE
All items from mixture of following websites:
urbanoutfitters.com
hippieshop.com
petacatalog.com
maccosmetics.com
http://www.alternativeoutfitters.com
for one, I think there are alot more important things out there in the universe and alot more meaningful,conceptual,beautiful things to blog about before clothing or simple tangible items.
I feel like theres such a great power out there,in the centered pit of the universe. Its emotional,Its mental,Its an energy. Sometimes I even feel like its PHYSICAL.
Alot of girls are side tracked with false eyelashes,expensive pumps and play boy covers,They forget the actual beauty of life.. The materiallism pulls them away like a shallow wind, deceiving them from ever reaching that perfect,beautiful internal "pit".
I feel like Fashion is beautiful,but theres too many people out there who are unable to think past it.
Theres not enough metaphorical,spiritual beauty out there or bloggers who discuss deeper thoughts or more emotional perceptions.
BUT,I'm making an exception this time because I have come across so many adorable clothing pieces, And I cant keep track. So I think it would be cute to express it on here,and also easier for me to remember the websites they were on,so when it comes down to ordering them,I can actually do so :P
My relationship with fashion:
I like to consider myself an actress in many ways. An actress, in a way so non typical or litteral.
I take on different roles,I place myself in many different shoes (litterally) haha And fashion is something that I really consider to be an infinate sea for me to dive into. Role playing, Being theatrical but genuine and emotional at the same time with my clothing. Its an art.
Ultimate motto: I'd rather be 'NO WAY' instead of One way. I'm not just a few things, I'm everything. I really dislike when people limit themselves to different fashions,or only stick to a few basic styles.
Fashion is becoming more and more of my life.
Signature style: Pretty textures,and popping patterns. PLAID,PLAID,PLAID.I can never get enough plaid.Mens neck ties,knee high socks,berets and mary janes. Heart shaped sunglasses, saddle shoes, Mod collared mini dresses,deep& rich colors that contrast with the lightness of my hair.
Your clothing expresses who you are on the inside. Some people forget that,others simply overflow and exhaggerate the trunk of expression by taking it to a whole other level. By doing so,they succumb to letting it get to their heads and overpower their lives. Fashion shouldnt be abused by being used as a shallow tool. Its more than that.Its pieces of our souls,its artwork.
So, Here are a mixture of some vegan pieces my mom had found for me.
'Beautiful Hippie Looks':
Everyone loves an echo friendly,people loving,animal adoring vegan bi polar girl. AHahaha.
These pieces can all be mixed and matched together.
HEADBANDS
SHOES
JEWELRY
TIGHTS
CLOTHING
'CUTE BUT TRUTHFUL PETA APPAREL':
TEES
PETA PINS FOR MY PURSE
All items from mixture of following websites:
urbanoutfitters.com
hippieshop.com
petacatalog.com
maccosmetics.com
http://www.alternativeoutfitters.com
My Vegan Life so far..
I was in a rush when writing this.i just needed to get it all down into words,I havent written anything really in a while and I Feel like i'm going to explode.
AS i came to the end of this entry,I realized I wasnt even done yet.I havent even began to touch up on what I was initially trying to point out or express ..so sometime later,when I have more time,I Will add more and hopefully finish what still burns inside of me.
I'm trying to get my life together. I'm trying to cleanse myself. I'm desperately trying to scrape out all of the bad in my life,and replace it with the good. From food,to fashion,to overall internal emotion and universal perception.
Filtering out the dirt and filth from my life.
Washing away all the muck and grime.
All this corruption,negativity,and brainwashing scum.
All of what we've ever known,seems so evil to me.
Ive tried to look at it differently,but no matter how you twist it,it still remains.
Ive realized,sometimes you cant just try to look at a certain situation differently,and then be ok with it..
sometimes you have to actually get out there,and physically,spiritually remove it and replace it with the better good.
At first,This may seem difficult,to nearly impossible to others,sometimes even to myself.
Later on in,it may still even seem difficult to nearly impossible,
and Perhaps even years down the road it may still seem humanly ignorant,naive,stupid,queerly childish,and still IMPOSSIBLE.
Frankly: "retarded." or "dumb" of me to ever think about attempting to succeed or striving to obtain and reach.
Why is it so hard to do these things?
Why is it so hard to stop eating meat?
Why is it so hard to stop eating dairy?
Why is it so hard to stop purchasing leather,Wool,or fur? (Theoretically and hypothetically speaking. Because I personally have never purchased any of the few)
Why is it so hard to cut out television from our lives?
Why is it so hard to stop consuming products that were tested on animals?
WHY? because its ALL We've ever known.
So of COURSE,its going to be difficult and intimidating to break away from it,at first.
When we,as Americans, As human beings,are raised a certain way,in a certain strict environment for such a long time..(not even necessarily specifically an AMERICAN or strict environmental thing,just using that example for myself)
Its like learning a whole other language
or learning to walk again,
except this time..its not walking,but its running..or FLYING!
Smudging the rules,
mixing up the books
taking away whatever spiritual law that was laid down for us to "follow" even when our hearts tell us otherwise.
When we are around certain things for a long time,
Soaking in the essence and concept of the habits
Going along with mechanical,daily routines
of what to wear
what to eat
what to purchase
what to watch on tv
...
it gets to you.
really.
it starts to almost penetrate your brain cells,at least seeping deep inside until our thinking and reasoning processes are altered to those around us,all due to cloned,stern daily cognition. You see something,it gets inside of u,and in a way,its an actual brainwashing process! ha
At least I believe so.
Forgive my innocence for not having the proper terms for this:-
but its like when you go to stores,and people Try to sell you things.
I cant go into a mall without people taking my wrists and softly pulling me over to fucking carts to try to sell me things.
forcing themselves upon me.
Then you have the media,
those superficial messages sending about our childrens ears.
The sexuality,(sex is a beautiful thing,dont get me wrong.When youre in love. Not when youre on some Bret Michael show,showing your tits every five minutes and probably fucking him off air.)
So I guess 'SEXUALITY' should not be the correct term to use,because i'm NOT agaisnt sex,dont get me wrong.
its just 'PROMISCUITY' that I have a problem with.
Then you have the violence as well.
My point is,these seem to all be brainwashing tools.
Also,thoughts of never changing certain ways of the world.
Thoughts of ONLY keeping the beliefs we all NOW live in.
LIMITING ourselves with shallow opinions of whats right and whats wrong.
never challenging the future,
never researching,experiencing,experimenting,or going out there to find the "NEW".
Never throwing away the "OLD".
Obviously,I am metaphorically speaking.
I do not mean throw out your old jeans and buy new ones ha.
I'm saying,
forget those vintage ethics,and go get yourself a whole new way of Life,A fresh state of mind.
Stop thinking like others,and think like YOURSELF instead.
get your head out of your parents,or friends,or work buddies
and listen to the voice within yourself.
Even if people say youre wrong.
IT doesnt mean your wrong.
WHOS to say?GOD? maybe.
So,until you and god have a talk,
no one else should matter.
Their opinions should slip off your skin as if it was fucking baby silk.
I'm really sick of people sticking to the way the world is,and never looking,thinking,feeling,or tasting outside of the box,or out of the safe zone.
what IF everything you know and have ever known is WRONG?WAS WRONG all along?
I think people are scared to death of realizing that.
I guess its not a matter of realization,but Just getting out there and seeking whats BEYOND.
NO need for closure.
Life isnt a letter,stamped and sealed waiting for another one to be written.
I guess you can say,
Life is like photoshop :P
No need to completely erase and leave bare.
Take what you have,and Draw over it.Edit,alter,Create.
W'ere all artists.
No need to fear.
No need to hate.
Keep focused,And lose our way..
Everything is good.
I've been studying alot about the great originations of the important psychologists of the world.
People who have discovered.
People who have felt.
People who have challenged,questioned,argued and battled.
People who stepped out side of the box.
People who searched,and searched without officially seeking,(because I personally think the human brain is a science that will NEVER be 100% exact or accurate with even the GREATEST research,or depth in study.
THEORIES, THEORIES are what they are.
I give these men props.
Not For necessarily disagreeing, but for feeling.
Feeling that there is another way,
that this isnt the only way,
that its not THE way
but that there possibly is more out there.
More Facts.
then again,not really 'facts'
since fact always battles fact,
and both of them cannot be correct
doesnt that leave with two opinions?
I question things. I Dont agree.I feel beyond.I'm open to possibilities.
I want to have my own theory.
Maybe I already do now.
Maybe someday I Will have a PHD and you'll see my theory or way of life written on paper.ha
Then people wouldnt tell me i'm crazy.
ha...
I DO have Einstein hair in the morning,after I roll out of bed. ;p
but moving on-
(nice to joke between the seriousness of it all)
Its hard to stand strong with your own beliefs.
Its hard to keep your own voice loud and out there,when almost EVERY SINGLE person you know,thinks otherwise and constantly tells you you are wrong and you need to change.
People constantly put the way of how things "have been" down my throat,trying to convince me that the "has been" always "Should be" and "Will be".
FUCK . NO.
That isnt the case at all.
Its hard for us to move on and make our own lives,when the world around us seems to be swallowing us whole.
You know,i'm not even going to blame the beautiful mother.ITs not the earths fault.
Its the people that live upon.
I have all the facts I need.
I have all the knowledge.
I spend hours researching,writing down notes after notes after note.
Now,After gathering the information,
its all about actually changing my life.
I have the content all on paper,
i just have to bring it to life.
its really not as hard as people think..
Being vegan,especially.
Most of what "normal " people eat is complete shit anyway.
AS i came to the end of this entry,I realized I wasnt even done yet.I havent even began to touch up on what I was initially trying to point out or express ..so sometime later,when I have more time,I Will add more and hopefully finish what still burns inside of me.
I'm trying to get my life together. I'm trying to cleanse myself. I'm desperately trying to scrape out all of the bad in my life,and replace it with the good. From food,to fashion,to overall internal emotion and universal perception.
Filtering out the dirt and filth from my life.
Washing away all the muck and grime.
All this corruption,negativity,and brainwashing scum.
All of what we've ever known,seems so evil to me.
Ive tried to look at it differently,but no matter how you twist it,it still remains.
Ive realized,sometimes you cant just try to look at a certain situation differently,and then be ok with it..
sometimes you have to actually get out there,and physically,spiritually remove it and replace it with the better good.
At first,This may seem difficult,to nearly impossible to others,sometimes even to myself.
Later on in,it may still even seem difficult to nearly impossible,
and Perhaps even years down the road it may still seem humanly ignorant,naive,stupid,queerly childish,and still IMPOSSIBLE.
Frankly: "retarded." or "dumb" of me to ever think about attempting to succeed or striving to obtain and reach.
Why is it so hard to do these things?
Why is it so hard to stop eating meat?
Why is it so hard to stop eating dairy?
Why is it so hard to stop purchasing leather,Wool,or fur? (Theoretically and hypothetically speaking. Because I personally have never purchased any of the few)
Why is it so hard to cut out television from our lives?
Why is it so hard to stop consuming products that were tested on animals?
WHY? because its ALL We've ever known.
So of COURSE,its going to be difficult and intimidating to break away from it,at first.
When we,as Americans, As human beings,are raised a certain way,in a certain strict environment for such a long time..(not even necessarily specifically an AMERICAN or strict environmental thing,just using that example for myself)
Its like learning a whole other language
or learning to walk again,
except this time..its not walking,but its running..or FLYING!
Smudging the rules,
mixing up the books
taking away whatever spiritual law that was laid down for us to "follow" even when our hearts tell us otherwise.
When we are around certain things for a long time,
Soaking in the essence and concept of the habits
Going along with mechanical,daily routines
of what to wear
what to eat
what to purchase
what to watch on tv
...
it gets to you.
really.
it starts to almost penetrate your brain cells,at least seeping deep inside until our thinking and reasoning processes are altered to those around us,all due to cloned,stern daily cognition. You see something,it gets inside of u,and in a way,its an actual brainwashing process! ha
At least I believe so.
Forgive my innocence for not having the proper terms for this:-
but its like when you go to stores,and people Try to sell you things.
I cant go into a mall without people taking my wrists and softly pulling me over to fucking carts to try to sell me things.
forcing themselves upon me.
Then you have the media,
those superficial messages sending about our childrens ears.
The sexuality,(sex is a beautiful thing,dont get me wrong.When youre in love. Not when youre on some Bret Michael show,showing your tits every five minutes and probably fucking him off air.)
So I guess 'SEXUALITY' should not be the correct term to use,because i'm NOT agaisnt sex,dont get me wrong.
its just 'PROMISCUITY' that I have a problem with.
Then you have the violence as well.
My point is,these seem to all be brainwashing tools.
Also,thoughts of never changing certain ways of the world.
Thoughts of ONLY keeping the beliefs we all NOW live in.
LIMITING ourselves with shallow opinions of whats right and whats wrong.
never challenging the future,
never researching,experiencing,experimenting,or going out there to find the "NEW".
Never throwing away the "OLD".
Obviously,I am metaphorically speaking.
I do not mean throw out your old jeans and buy new ones ha.
I'm saying,
forget those vintage ethics,and go get yourself a whole new way of Life,A fresh state of mind.
Stop thinking like others,and think like YOURSELF instead.
get your head out of your parents,or friends,or work buddies
and listen to the voice within yourself.
Even if people say youre wrong.
IT doesnt mean your wrong.
WHOS to say?GOD? maybe.
So,until you and god have a talk,
no one else should matter.
Their opinions should slip off your skin as if it was fucking baby silk.
I'm really sick of people sticking to the way the world is,and never looking,thinking,feeling,or tasting outside of the box,or out of the safe zone.
what IF everything you know and have ever known is WRONG?WAS WRONG all along?
I think people are scared to death of realizing that.
I guess its not a matter of realization,but Just getting out there and seeking whats BEYOND.
NO need for closure.
Life isnt a letter,stamped and sealed waiting for another one to be written.
I guess you can say,
Life is like photoshop :P
No need to completely erase and leave bare.
Take what you have,and Draw over it.Edit,alter,Create.
W'ere all artists.
No need to fear.
No need to hate.
Keep focused,And lose our way..
Everything is good.
I've been studying alot about the great originations of the important psychologists of the world.
People who have discovered.
People who have felt.
People who have challenged,questioned,argued and battled.
People who stepped out side of the box.
People who searched,and searched without officially seeking,(because I personally think the human brain is a science that will NEVER be 100% exact or accurate with even the GREATEST research,or depth in study.
THEORIES, THEORIES are what they are.
I give these men props.
Not For necessarily disagreeing, but for feeling.
Feeling that there is another way,
that this isnt the only way,
that its not THE way
but that there possibly is more out there.
More Facts.
then again,not really 'facts'
since fact always battles fact,
and both of them cannot be correct
doesnt that leave with two opinions?
I question things. I Dont agree.I feel beyond.I'm open to possibilities.
I want to have my own theory.
Maybe I already do now.
Maybe someday I Will have a PHD and you'll see my theory or way of life written on paper.ha
Then people wouldnt tell me i'm crazy.
ha...
I DO have Einstein hair in the morning,after I roll out of bed. ;p
but moving on-
(nice to joke between the seriousness of it all)
Its hard to stand strong with your own beliefs.
Its hard to keep your own voice loud and out there,when almost EVERY SINGLE person you know,thinks otherwise and constantly tells you you are wrong and you need to change.
People constantly put the way of how things "have been" down my throat,trying to convince me that the "has been" always "Should be" and "Will be".
FUCK . NO.
That isnt the case at all.
Its hard for us to move on and make our own lives,when the world around us seems to be swallowing us whole.
You know,i'm not even going to blame the beautiful mother.ITs not the earths fault.
Its the people that live upon.
I have all the facts I need.
I have all the knowledge.
I spend hours researching,writing down notes after notes after note.
Now,After gathering the information,
its all about actually changing my life.
I have the content all on paper,
i just have to bring it to life.
its really not as hard as people think..
Being vegan,especially.
Most of what "normal " people eat is complete shit anyway.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
So I guess my brain must strictly be right sided,then.
- Left Hemisphere:
-
Communicates by using words, has highly developed verbal abilities, is logical and systematic, concerned with matters as they are.
- Right Hemisphere:
-
Communicates using images (pictures), has highly developed spatial abilities, is intuitive and imaginative, concerned with emotions and feelings.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Shallow people.
Why is it so hard to comprehend?
Why is love so easy to mock?
Why should it be pathetic to feel vulnerable and ruined all because of another human being?
Why is it shunned to be completely impacted and controlled by anothers words?
Is it flaw? a beautiful flaw.We're human.
be strong,and broken. get on your feet,and fall ontop of him again.
why is it so hard to comprehend?
Why wouldnt love be something to die because of?
Why is it pitiful?
Is it a flaw?
its a beautiful thing.
Its a powerful thing.
to be ruined by another..
I dont see any problem with revolving ur life around anothers life.
with being completely selfless.
with just wanting to make them happy,
yet wanting them to make u happy in return..and if it doesnt work,
why should it be pathetic to cry?
Life is so short.
We're so short.
youre so shallow,for thinking its not beautiful
to be broken down by another breathing,feeling,living human being
all for love.
all we have in life,is love.
something i'd die for.
I dont know about you.
something i'd kill for.
I dont know about you.
Something I'd tear myself apart for.
Why is love so easy to mock?
Why should it be pathetic to feel vulnerable and ruined all because of another human being?
Why is it shunned to be completely impacted and controlled by anothers words?
Is it flaw? a beautiful flaw.We're human.
be strong,and broken. get on your feet,and fall ontop of him again.
why is it so hard to comprehend?
Why wouldnt love be something to die because of?
Why is it pitiful?
Is it a flaw?
its a beautiful thing.
Its a powerful thing.
to be ruined by another..
I dont see any problem with revolving ur life around anothers life.
with being completely selfless.
with just wanting to make them happy,
yet wanting them to make u happy in return..and if it doesnt work,
why should it be pathetic to cry?
Life is so short.
We're so short.
youre so shallow,for thinking its not beautiful
to be broken down by another breathing,feeling,living human being
all for love.
all we have in life,is love.
something i'd die for.
I dont know about you.
something i'd kill for.
I dont know about you.
Something I'd tear myself apart for.
Monday, January 26, 2009
It all started,
as I was not your first..
how can I cleanse the filth of this world?
How can I mend the dirt of this universe?
how can I wash away all the perversion before me,
how can I clear my mind of thought where youre laying..
laying upon another sheep
So much disgust
So much infection
so much tattered,rugged,rusted innocence
where is the innocence?
no one is innocent anymore
I wish I could kiss you
I wish i could smile like you tell me too
even if youre nice to me,
its hard to forget
cant clear my mind of thought where youre laying..
laying upon another sheep
as I was not your first..
how can I cleanse the filth of this world?
How can I mend the dirt of this universe?
how can I wash away all the perversion before me,
how can I clear my mind of thought where youre laying..
laying upon another sheep
So much disgust
So much infection
so much tattered,rugged,rusted innocence
where is the innocence?
no one is innocent anymore
I wish I could kiss you
I wish i could smile like you tell me too
even if youre nice to me,
its hard to forget
cant clear my mind of thought where youre laying..
laying upon another sheep
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Floating in the sky..
My thoughts change every other hour..sometimes every half hour,
when the rapidness is vicious,its every other 5 minutes.
I feel dark but light at the same time
happy but sad
I'm flying in water,
floating in the sky
its so black here
but its so white
Unsafe,and secure
lets just leave this place.
when the rapidness is vicious,its every other 5 minutes.
I feel dark but light at the same time
happy but sad
I'm flying in water,
floating in the sky
its so black here
but its so white
Unsafe,and secure
lets just leave this place.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Birds dont always have to have wings.Cars dont always have to have wheels.
Everything we know,
everything we've ever known
and everything we are yet to know..
why is it this way?
why do things remain as this?
How did they become this?
Why cant we change it?
Or...Can we change it?
I want to change it.
I'm sick of the rules.
I'm sick of the fear,
i'm sick of the authority.
I'm sick of the control.
This world is free,and wild
No matter what country you sit in
everything should be bare,and natural
Life should be blind,and open
innocent and willing
fly,if you want to.
Sleep all day,and stand all night if you wish to.
Everything you've ever known
everything the world has been said to be
however you've comprehended it
i want to alter this
change it up
reverse it
scribble over it
erase it
correct it
I dont like to say into "my" way..
but into a way
so unlikely
virgin,and delicate
Something non corrupted
for the fact that people will consider corruption,pure
And whatever I feel will no longer be labeled
confusion will be clarity
and complexity will be simplicity
because we will never jump to conclusion
nor will the vile mist of assumption fog our way
and sometimes Sins wont be sins
People wouldnt be stereotyped
we'd look at the feeling,instead of merely at the person
we'd remember "human" and not perfection.
I would be able to fuck u on a local bus,
and none of us would get caught.
I always felt as if my mind was at least 10 years older than my body.
Someday,hopefully,it will catch up with me.
I battle two sides to everything
the way I am,
and the way they think i'm supposed to be.
A child,a woman
An adult,A baby.
Lust,and love
and thoughts of love,and aches of lust
Cycles that kids go through,and yet phases that ages beyond,endure
I go through puberty and menopause at the same time.
Why is everyone the same lately?
Why are lyrics in songs so typical that I can guess what they will next say?
Why do girls all dress the same?
Why do adults go about things the same way?
Why does every mind think alike?
Even their unique and distinct self qualities bare
such sharp similarity
Everything we know..
everything we've ever known..
and everything we are yet to know,
i'm going to change.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
What I dont understand.
Sometimes good minds get bad grades.
Its been a bit since I last blogged.
I just got home last night,
This will probably be an aimless ramble,but oh well.
Ive been learning alot more about life,
with everyday that passes..
something more is understood..
Something else is taken in.
Another struggle,nurtured
Just as another agony and hardship is succumbed to.
But sometimes I just cant grasp certain knowledge.
Tiny particles,to overwhelming moments.
I get scared because alot of people seem like cloned sheep.
Looking at me,saying things..
expecting me to nod in agreement,but I Dont..
I dont see any logic in what they say..
there is no BEAUTY in what they say..
it doesnt even make any sense.
I want to interrupt and voice my view,
I raise my hand and voice how wrong they are
but then they would all quickly turn to me,
with an evil stare and take me away
and then I look at him,and he seems ok..
Like its all alright
but It troubles me,really
I Wish he knew the headache I have
because of every face that passes me by
and every number im forced to memorize
so much up and down,
left and right
colors,shades
black and white
I can almost guess what they will next say,in daily conversation..
and I'm almost 98& correct when it comes to assuming their outlook or perception on certain things. Certain things that have to do with me,at least.
I dont judge,
I observe
and I turn my head back and forth,
taking notes
and feeling sad,feeling happy
no dinner,but a show
this life is so amusing.
Everyone is a character
Every line
Every play
But what I cant understand,
has nothing to do with my place
My personality
or age
I just feel this way
When I feel sad,I cant help it
when I cry,I cant help it.
I dont WANT to cry,
It just happens
When I'm envious,or nervous and worried..
It just comes to me,I have to feel it..
I feel it in my body,
Physically,it bleeds through me
Its not something that ticks at the door,waiting for me to open
Though I admit staring pain in the eyes and politely imposing it to have a seat.
I guess its natural.
I'll always have this to me,
hopefully..maybe..
I dont want to be another sheep.
Its an innocence.
I'm sorry you lost yours.
Dont tell me it will go away with age,
then i'd be as vile as the guy sitting across from me on the train.
And,Why do we focus on certain things,that we shouldn't focus on?
Why do we follow so many rules,
Well,What I'm saying..probably wont make any sense,
Nothing does.
Its a wonderland,of falling clocks and top hats on our feet..
walking upside down and eating tea.
Why do i have to follow rules?
Why do I have to wait?
why cant we just run away?
I know there needs to be law,because law brings balance.
Without law,there would be havoc..
well,More havoc than there already is,I suppose..At least.
more dysfunction.
But I wont go do drugs
or take off my clothes
I wont prostitute
or murder someone
I wont drink alot of alcohol
and get a DUI
I wont steal an apple
or pick a fight
so Why cant I have this love?
I dont understand
I'm not trying to hurt anyone
not you
not my mother
not god
not even myself
I just want smiles and warmth
so why do they all judge me
why would anyone judge us?
They dont understand.
I dont understand,because they cant understand.
why we focus on trying to prevent kissing
and try to protect people from happiness
we should live as we wish,
even make mistakes
to learn again
because I know i'm not entirely careful
and thats what makes me so pretty.
Its been a bit since I last blogged.
I just got home last night,
This will probably be an aimless ramble,but oh well.
Ive been learning alot more about life,
with everyday that passes..
something more is understood..
Something else is taken in.
Another struggle,nurtured
Just as another agony and hardship is succumbed to.
But sometimes I just cant grasp certain knowledge.
Tiny particles,to overwhelming moments.
I get scared because alot of people seem like cloned sheep.
Looking at me,saying things..
expecting me to nod in agreement,but I Dont..
I dont see any logic in what they say..
there is no BEAUTY in what they say..
it doesnt even make any sense.
I want to interrupt and voice my view,
I raise my hand and voice how wrong they are
but then they would all quickly turn to me,
with an evil stare and take me away
and then I look at him,and he seems ok..
Like its all alright
but It troubles me,really
I Wish he knew the headache I have
because of every face that passes me by
and every number im forced to memorize
so much up and down,
left and right
colors,shades
black and white
I can almost guess what they will next say,in daily conversation..
and I'm almost 98& correct when it comes to assuming their outlook or perception on certain things. Certain things that have to do with me,at least.
I dont judge,
I observe
and I turn my head back and forth,
taking notes
and feeling sad,feeling happy
no dinner,but a show
this life is so amusing.
Everyone is a character
Every line
Every play
But what I cant understand,
has nothing to do with my place
My personality
or age
I just feel this way
When I feel sad,I cant help it
when I cry,I cant help it.
I dont WANT to cry,
It just happens
When I'm envious,or nervous and worried..
It just comes to me,I have to feel it..
I feel it in my body,
Physically,it bleeds through me
Its not something that ticks at the door,waiting for me to open
Though I admit staring pain in the eyes and politely imposing it to have a seat.
I guess its natural.
I'll always have this to me,
hopefully..maybe..
I dont want to be another sheep.
Its an innocence.
I'm sorry you lost yours.
Dont tell me it will go away with age,
then i'd be as vile as the guy sitting across from me on the train.
And,Why do we focus on certain things,that we shouldn't focus on?
Why do we follow so many rules,
Well,What I'm saying..probably wont make any sense,
Nothing does.
Its a wonderland,of falling clocks and top hats on our feet..
walking upside down and eating tea.
Why do i have to follow rules?
Why do I have to wait?
why cant we just run away?
I know there needs to be law,because law brings balance.
Without law,there would be havoc..
well,More havoc than there already is,I suppose..At least.
more dysfunction.
But I wont go do drugs
or take off my clothes
I wont prostitute
or murder someone
I wont drink alot of alcohol
and get a DUI
I wont steal an apple
or pick a fight
so Why cant I have this love?
I dont understand
I'm not trying to hurt anyone
not you
not my mother
not god
not even myself
I just want smiles and warmth
so why do they all judge me
why would anyone judge us?
They dont understand.
I dont understand,because they cant understand.
why we focus on trying to prevent kissing
and try to protect people from happiness
we should live as we wish,
even make mistakes
to learn again
because I know i'm not entirely careful
and thats what makes me so pretty.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Back home.
Forget the "Finally" part. Some people say.."FINALLY" back home..
But screw that.
But screw that.
As soon as the car pulled me toward the gates ahead..
those gates which surround the prison,tall
cold and grey
sharp and vindictive
sadistic tipped teeth
I felt your breath on my neck,...melt away..
As soon as my eyes met
into that unwanted romantic embrace
between me and
The Fenced in hell,where I sleep
so unluckily,am I unlucky
I felt your touch blow away..
I hate this place,
where I bathe and eat
I'd run away
If I had just a dime to my name
to you,i'd run
you know It wouldnt be any other way
as soon as I dropped my backpack,
I heard my moans soften until they were gone completely
Suddenly an overcast of dark..
a dead shadow, hovered over my sore soul
warn down body,
and pill scarred throat
as soon as I collapsed into my bed
as soon as reality hinted that I was alone
my craving lips
and aching thighs
I almost cried.
The evil seeped in,so deep that I wanted to yelp
Remembering it was only a second that i was away
forth heaven,you are
even if its just a second long
Now to return to this..
I'm scared that I will soon forget
forget so many pretty things
the warmth that burned inside my chest
the way your fingertips stained my face
I'm scared that I'll forget
the way you look
the way you feel
the way you smell
the way you taste
i'm scared that i'll forget
the cracks and flesh indentations in your hand
the begging silence in your eyes
the forceful weight of your body
the wetness of your mouth
everything and anything,you've ever looked at
with your heart
with your head
Even with that thing in your pants.
to you,i'd give up my name
to you,i'd hand more of my innocence
my aching thighs and craving lips
are you scared that you'll forget?
the way I look?
The way I feel?
The way I smell?
The way I taste?
I'll never forget you.
Youre in me,forever..now.
those gates which surround the prison,tall
cold and grey
sharp and vindictive
sadistic tipped teeth
I felt your breath on my neck,...melt away..
As soon as my eyes met
into that unwanted romantic embrace
between me and
The Fenced in hell,where I sleep
so unluckily,am I unlucky
I felt your touch blow away..
I hate this place,
where I bathe and eat
I'd run away
If I had just a dime to my name
to you,i'd run
you know It wouldnt be any other way
as soon as I dropped my backpack,
I heard my moans soften until they were gone completely
Suddenly an overcast of dark..
a dead shadow, hovered over my sore soul
warn down body,
and pill scarred throat
as soon as I collapsed into my bed
as soon as reality hinted that I was alone
my craving lips
and aching thighs
I almost cried.
The evil seeped in,so deep that I wanted to yelp
Remembering it was only a second that i was away
forth heaven,you are
even if its just a second long
Now to return to this..
I'm scared that I will soon forget
forget so many pretty things
the warmth that burned inside my chest
the way your fingertips stained my face
I'm scared that I'll forget
the way you look
the way you feel
the way you smell
the way you taste
i'm scared that i'll forget
the cracks and flesh indentations in your hand
the begging silence in your eyes
the forceful weight of your body
the wetness of your mouth
everything and anything,you've ever looked at
with your heart
with your head
Even with that thing in your pants.
to you,i'd give up my name
to you,i'd hand more of my innocence
my aching thighs and craving lips
are you scared that you'll forget?
the way I look?
The way I feel?
The way I smell?
The way I taste?
I'll never forget you.
Youre in me,forever..now.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Pretty Cognition
Don't these images just make you want to take off all of your clothing and run freely in a beautiful field of daises somewhere? Or play in a waterfall..swim in a river,or take a nap in a meadow,under the shade of a tree.
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