A Haunting

  It feels like a bad dream that you can never wake up from.
An uneasy, sour pit in your stomach...
a fragment of a sentence.

It feels like... standing in a crowd of thousands of people and spotting his face. First, inching forward and politely excusing yourself from accidentally bumping into another waistline or brushing against another's shoulder. To suddenly, losing sight of his shape in the distance and now aggressively attempting to maneuver your way through the stiff, upright bodies. Frantically pushing, shoving, scratching and pleading at these lifeless dead weights only to look up and notice he is gone. He is now absolutely no where to be found.

It feels like... calling his phone number over and over and over again... only to never become answered. These long, ear numbing, endless rings. One after another, each delays itself with a longer pause. Swallowing a little harder each time and time again...this type of silence is actually cold. Anticipating the sound of his voice. One more time.. One more hi... one more hello... Just one more conversation. Even one more stupid argument... whatever it may be about.. anything. Something. Even seconds worth. Yet nothing, in the end, every time.

It feels like... waking up oneway and suddenly forgetting his number all together. 315-224....what...what..what and what?
Enough to leave you in a cold sweat.
To make your head start hurting...
does this mean...I am forgetting?
Does this mean... I am less in love?
Does this mean... he is leaving me entirely?

 I feel...unfinished.
Unable.
Years later... and it doesn't even feel over yet.
It just feels misplaced....stolen.

It doesn't even really feel like time has passed. I still feel like the same person.
Even as I age and physically change, I still feel trapped in this confused hole of a place... a limbo.
Even as I smile and strive,
there will always be an empty missing piece that no one else can ever fill.

Trainspotting.

"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television,choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. choose a three piece suit in higher purchase in a range of fucking fabrics . Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. choose sitting on that couch watching mind numbing spirit crushing game shows.  Stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth.  Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in as miserable home, nothing more than a n embarrassment to the selfish fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. choose your future. choose life. but why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?"

Just Like our argument.

"I know this sounds completely made up, but I felt taller somehow and ..prettier."

bedstains.

   You're killing me. Cutting me down to nothing.

He desaturates me. Breaking me off into pieces,

 with every word, I unlace...

Collapsing. a reoccurring ache. 

But I can't help but still find you to be so beautiful. 

I thought things were different. I thought the absence of me would stitch our disease.

 No matter how my spine bends for you, you're still unable to see

 

 We're like children,together

 I could spend allday laying around drinking chocolate milk with you or 

 dancing in our underwear...

nothing would ever get done, but we were okay with that because we were too consumed by eachother.. running my fingertips down your skin, and your hot breath on my neck...

we play house, desperately fishing for happiness

I thought things were different. I thought the absence of me would stitch our disease.

Feeding you discipline in doses... yet

  No matter how my spine bends for you, you're still unable to see

 No position or contortion will persuade you into respecting me...  

Blind to..

The cry for help,

the helplessness in my tone

the reverse psychology 

us becoming critical...  

us becoming fatal

 My anesthetic,  I find myself feening for your touch and taste

I'm hypnotized by your mind, 

it replaces my own

your breath

your sight...

distracts me from my own senses

undermines my own hunger

chipped fingernails from

frantically digging for happiness

 

 I guess they are all right about me

i'll never learn, will I?

 I'll never have enough...

you push,and I return

I pull and you dissolve 

I just wish I was special to you,

I wish you couldn't lay still without me,

let alone sleep or eat..

 

 I wish you could understand how short this time we have is,

and once its gone, theres no altering.. revisiting

time makes no exceptions and moments are fragile

 I wish you loved me,Like I love you. 

I can't help but find you to be so beautiful.  

 

 

 

We can't let the past go until we accept it.

 Nothing and no one are what they seem...

Someone.

  When the substance grows a face... 

    a face that surpasses your own. 

   You talk, but no one hears you...
people speak, but they aren't getting through....

 Losing sight of every sense
bruising without a fall and
building an immunity to fear and conciousness



   I still have a longing for love,
but I dont quite think I know how to take care of it...
 You say you understand, but you have no idea.....

"Luna"

Getting full on emptiness

with every swallow,

I dissolve, and I grow a little less

Hypnotized by the magic crystals

its translucency

its potency 

I am mesmerized and fallen

in its dream like state,

Its grandiose scheme of things

Its divinity. invincibility.

The grand perspective of myself

in neon high saturation 

reflecting onto all others to see

I glow,

my mirage of flawlessness

 I am numb.

I am significant.

I am queen.

'

Endlessly grasping for a happiness I cannot keep...

The fictional. The out of reach. 

The baby within is almost dead.

                                           

Follow baby.

2009 photography.

"maybe a babys breath could save me.

 a touch, i bruise too easy. 

her hair, it bleeds and bleeds for you..

 as blood runs easy. 

shed lay the fees, and offers peace she offers... 

shes scared to see, so humble..

 no food to eat, we follow

but after sleep we're to the forest field she said "

forever.

" I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."

 I have wandered so far that I can't recall who I was or what I've felt.
A course my feet had drawn,
(as if my legs could sprout a skull...)
Tracing imaginary desert circles... so vast and shapeless
a mouth of rotten skin,
beneath glossy Chanel lips
so chapped and ugly. (tasteless)

I have wandered so far that I have no recollection of where or how,or who I should return to...
and would that familiar body be of someone else or my own?

I have wandered so far that my own reflection blurs out of focus.
excuse me- I may have forgotten my dignity on your headboard.
within the repetitive heat of your thrusting hips





all that's left is a jigsaw of cognition,
fuzzy pieces
sour and scrambled
echos of the past
only a dying scent of innocence
 fiddling hands of remorseless regret
                                                                   
                                                                   

An Empty memory of how I've gotten here,
down which path, and in what span of time?
And If you asked me, I would remain unable
to spill such visions behind such unknown binds

I can't even return to those who've hurt me...
unable to crawl back on my raw knees
for its impossible to twist and bend only an illusion of a spine


 I cannot remember enough as to whom I'd run to,
or which direction I'd start
forgot the names of all the bridges ive burned and all the bridges ive already crossed

I cannot feel enough to even want to
I cannot feel enough to want at all, or not

Lacking the energy to wish,or even sleep
or strive, bore, tease or taunt

 All that's left are
evergreen vines of coy and stupid
 I'm too posh to function and too poise to notice
but I'll still make an appearance at every gig and every party
soul- thirsty thorns which flourish through me
a masquerade amongst all who freshly meet me
of fibers of who I was,and what I pretend to be

box-dyed blond jokes and premeditated charm
I myself, am untrustworthy
on this plain of contagious despair, lust, instability
but I still bet you and all your friends will try to unbutton my blouse by the end of the week..

Little Fiend thoughts behind a pretty smile
and behind such doe eyes,drool starving teeth
you may worry about leaving me feeling lonely and clingy in a crowd
but dont worry about me clinging to the idea of love

Nearly nonexistent,
 my little girl day dream days melt far from me...
of a prince who will oneday cradle and revive me
preserve my porcelain skin from the splattered grime of the world
behind his ever honest form of love and masculinity

 he who obtains the ability to separate the bullshit from truth
he who is a being, a supernatural energy
breathe your breath into my chest
to not merely see,but know me
"protect me"
Well shit, arent we all entitled to fantasies?

True, All that was buried in 2009 is gone,
but that doesnt stop me from thinking...

I have wandered so far
that I've lost tally on who is real and who is performing
We all coat ourselves with blended secrets and truths
these layers we adorn with false love, we're really fucking phony.
but what still scares me is when I believe him after hes said hes sorry..


 I always find myself  in a nervous attempt to filter              
through the abstract sea of authentic and generic
difficult, not impossible
I whine through my magnifying glass of self inflicted curiosity


friends today wear dog faces of foes alike
they all sternly speak in confident sophistication of how naive i am
but I Laugh to myself at how naive I was

 I used to think beauty was conventional .
 I used to think happiness was essential
I used to think love was forever
but only fairytales end in "happily ever after"
[so glad I killed off that part of me,
that used to believe in anything and everything]

 I have wandered so far that I can't tell if i'm alive, or floating

and if not, when did I pass? and if so, where am I going?

There is no up, there is no down
just faint memories

black and white vibrations
numbing static in the distance
of a face I wore
and words I bled
of promises that must have been conceived
but never sheltered
and lips that were kissed but not adored
but hurt, and then so decisively sewn

Left with only glimpses of a time Ive lived
of a ground Ive laid upon
a daisy headband I used to thread
a starry sky Ive gutted with my cold eyes,
of a hole Ive fallen down
of clothes too worn-in,
a world Ive out grown
too many lies Ive bit into
that shrunk me too small
and too many bullshit compliments that
grew me too tall
couldn't find the key of sincerity
to fit within
a pretty rose painted world so cold
wished in silence
to myself,about myself
and amongst others

I cant recall how Ive gotten this way
or what exactly this way is.. but something is off putting
I could care less of who you've fucked before or after,
but I cringe when youre not looking directly at me.

 theres that ache in moments of pain
and an ache in moments of joy
and an ache in moments of
indifference

 If only I could regain my innocence
a buried locket, a dead realm
imaginary port of security
to return to the most recent memory of silence, and emotional safety
but even those lands have spoiled and im left with no choice but to venture forward..

Life as you know it.

(my photography and other images/quotes/writings I find to be beautiful)

You're waiting for something, you've waited in vain because there's nothing for you...

 

And when she wakes, 

In her fragile state..
Well she calls my name,
Hoping that I keep her safe

but I need sorrow, baby... lifes sorrow is the drug.

"We were born to be alone, everybody all alone..born alone, to be alone. We'll stand alone forever. Standing on the world alone. Learning how to stand alone..and always to be alone, we'll be alone forever. "

"But a mermaid has no tears, and therefore she suffers so much more..."

Knowing someone needs you, but needing no one in return.

I'm not in love.

Possession.

" Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide 

Voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time 

The night is my companion, and solitude my guide 

Would I spend forever here and not be satisfied? 

And I would be the one... 

To hold you down 

Kiss you so hard 

I'll take your breath away 

And after, I'd wipe away the tears 

Just close your eyes, dear "

You can feel...anything.

Skin is only as good as what lies within it...
existence is only as powerful as you make it.


The act of creating and destroying...
Embracing change, and abandoning safety
Preservation. Decompositon.
Feeling invincable in our incompetant human form
Feeling explosive underneath our ant-like limbs..
Taking the blame for our broken composition
Our beautiful disfigurement
Our childlike breath

Killing ourselves and reviving ourselves
Everything is momentary,
and who cares for being scolded...
Everything is beautiful..
and who has time for feeling flawless

we will live our own triump
we will write our own lectures.

I'd rather be tattered than papercut-less

I want to lay here, just to fly
and jump off just to fall...

Kaleidoscope-like transitioning,
into stagnant waves of pain and articulation
It will sculpt you,says the bruises. The slices.

 The amount of strength it takes to truly mastering acceptance
No crutches. Raw endurance.
The amount of skill it takes to indulge, then Starve again.
Organizing these colorless pixels of sour times and recollection with a smirk
they stain my hands, but strengthen my craft.

I hate selective hearing...
I dont want to become that,
I still spit on your brand names.
living that way..
Its like the attempt to tame wind through your fingers...

The sight within closed eyes.

I'll numb again, only to de-ice..

 The art of twisting and tangling situations,
The web of complexity lies within you
The universe lies within you
Sincere appreciation for everything unedited.

 Just being.

 I complain about the mess,
but really, I'm responsible for it.
 I create my own chaos
and I wouldnt have it any other fucking way.

never gets old.

Rule number 2.

dont get attached to somebody you could lose..

The Lamp light.

                  All good things come to an end. All bad things come to an end.
                                  So I am done mourning.

Rule of thumb: Touch, but do not feel. Do not attach, do not reminisce.  

                                       Its okay to experience, as long as it is an experiment. 
                                                 Its okay to create, as long as it is art.
                                            Its okay to live, as long as its a fucking masterpiece. 
                                                    
                                                     No matter how messy... no matter how precise...
                                                    Always remind yourself, it isn't real..
                                                           No matter how deep their stares, how sincere their words.
                                                          keep focused. Keep professional.

                                                          They are resources, use them.

             
                                                             Its all... a game.
                                                     You may lose, but more will come..
                                                    You may win, but in the end... You never really win.

                              Every set of eyes are medicine, every set of lips are a game plan.
                               Floating... there is no "set in stone", no destination.
                                                    Not up, nor down.
                                            I tell them I'm like Alice in wonderland.
                                            Many smile, few proceed.

                                                     

                                                 It's silly when you think about it... many personas.

                                               Cold as ice, as clingy as a puppy dog.
                                              As immune as a widow, as prone as a train-wreck.
                                           
                                                              Careless.. infinite.
       
                                        I don't really know you when we think about it,
                                                 and either of us really give a shit...
                                     but i'll miss the way you made my cheeks ache from continuous laughter,
                                                            and your cigarette kisses, and your rough hands...
                                                   and for a moment, I felt like yours..and for a moment, I felt alive.

 

Little girl heart.

"I only want to share new things.
New stories and pieces.
I don't wanna do ever what I failed at before.
I just want to make it new with you.
I just want to make it new with you"

oh...so you're opinionated, AND you have tits?....

     The world stereotypes and confines personalities into little boxes because they cannot fathom the possibility..actuality of anything beyond the ordinary...fearful of what pushes boundaries, and rebels against your mental standards/ or... "norm".  Psychologically, If I appear a certain way physically, you have automatically made your judgments about me.... even if its subconsciously. And anything I say in defense or justification will seem fictional...imitative. phony... because, I have already left a bad taste in your mouth. You know... the whole first impressions are critical, bit.

     So... truthfully.. if you meet me in a club when I'm bleach blonde and my breasts are pushed up to my chin,and i'm dancing about- flipping my hair... you've obviously pinned me, mentally. Or at least you think you do...(even though we all obviously have intricate layers, pasts, figments and strands of depth that sum our identity... ) you have already rolled your eyes, and made your assumption that I'm "just like the others"...and theres nothing I can really say, do, or express that will "unroll" them and wipe the slate clean of your accusations...            EVEN if you catch me in the library a week later, my hair dyed back naturally brunette...wrapped in a sweater, no contacts- in doofy glasses with my head buried in a book. It's hard to believe when I was only 16, I dreamed of pursuing a Quantum physics major, or I have listened to Marilyn Manson since age 11. It's kind of annoying... people live their life without really...SEEING..... feeling....anything past technicalities, TYPOS, harmless paradoxes, or ANYTHING,at all..

  I have passed judgments myself, we all do to an extent, even slightly... even unknowingly... we are kind of wired this way. But I live in a society where it seems ridiculous..silly,even ...for an attractive FEMALE to have a BRAIN... and use her intellect.

     A lot of people flat out, BLATANTLY just REJECT the "surreal" possibility that a pretty girl/model girl/provocative female... or even slightly attractive female at that matter, can truly behold substance.  For a lot of reasons. Sure, one of them being -its not that they judge a book by its cover.. but reversed...the tree by its fruit. When you are so used to seeing so many blue cars, you can't help but assume the next one driving by will be blue as well.   And then on the other hand, maybe it has nothing to do with your experience- Maybe its because our minds , by nature, just simply cannot correlate knowledge and beauty, all together, at once. ..for any reason. Maybe its too much to understand.... we can accept someone LESS beautiful as having more "brains" because its easier to relate to the sincerity of the scenario... Rather, taking information from someone more beautiful.... perhaps their stimulating "looks" leaves them more questionable.... maybe we link beauty with deceit.. transparency.. and fiction,again.  What makes me tuck away my pride and honestly question whether i'd rather look like a gargoyle, but be taken seriously... or continue existing on as a decent/attractive/visually appealing human being but constantly be taken for granted. ;)   It's entertaining in a way. I don't know what my honest answer would be...

   There's the surface of me, that shrugs my shoulders..throws out my middle finger, and says "fuck it" as I apply my red lipstick, curl my hair and zip up the back of my own dress. If people don't "see" me .. for me... if they don't "understand" me for me, and if they want to judge me by my cover, shove my own words down my throat, or stick labels allover my body...that's their problem... because I am confident with the person I am... and I know what is true about me, and what is just absurdly false.

  But then there's that other side.... that thinks..when I die.. I would truly want to be remembered..for my words... my spirit... my energy... my thoughts... my HEART...rather than .... my looks... my legs... my eyes...my tits...and if I am not projecting that message loud enough, maybe Its by fault on my part.

 Even marilyn monroe had an incredibly electric, enticing PERSONA and energy about her that made viewers question.... wan't to learn more...

 a "mystery"... maybe.. I don't know.

 Maybe its that wailing artist from within..that crucial NEED..to inspire and aspire....

 create create creategretwtjiowtjwjw ku36820621t,wmtjeyey


 Yes, I wear heels.. That doesn't mean I won't take them off and dance in the middle of the street with you at night.


  What would you rather be.... perceived as...? Does it even matter to you???...

 ugly...ordinary..  but an " infamous" brainiac ,if you will.. known for knowledge
or glamorous... beautiful...flawless ..ICONIC... but mistaken for stupid.. ?

"Would you forgive me, if I said I was sorry?"

 I have tried to forget... but I can't. 

No one can compare...

to your darkness.

to your mystique. 

you remind me of the cold sting of winter...

your peculiar taste still in my mouth

the restless steadiness of your eyes

the rhythm of your hot breath on my neck

the lines and cracks of your large hands...

repressive, expressive

the sound of your tainted heart beat,

the texture of the mattress... 

the curse on your mouth...

 I felt it...

I saw it...

I drank it...

you warned me, but I didn't care. 

 I knew it was there, but I kept going...True Alice, and I never once hesitated. 

the chaos of our silence 

The pain makes us addicts

falling asleep in your arms

wishing I never met you

thankful I know you

my hands tugging at my own hair,

suffocating on tears...

laughing until my stomach knots and contracts

my heart fell into my stomach the first time you touched me.

 I can still feel your bruises..

I can still see where you left your crimson bite marks... 

and no one has been able to leave a mark as dark, ever since. 

No one could ever be,..

so articulate. 

so silent.

so compassionate. so sadistic.

 I never knew anything so rough, beautiful, disheveled, delicate. 

 you are dominant, twisted, submissive, elegant.

 so "me", so opposite. 

 so flawed, so perfect...

 falling in and out of decomposition...

 I tried to catch you, but you just dragged me by my hand onto the tracks...

and I dont know if you noticed, but I never pulled away...  

you remind me of,... 

 exhausting summers

lace against my sweat... 

heart shaped sunglasses and horror films...

when you made me so anrgy that i cut off all my hair.. 

butterflies so wild in your stomach they almost tear through flesh

betrayal.

loyalty.

despair.

adoration. 

you remind me of long walks and long talks..

being lifted and pressed up against walls..

you remind me of second chances...

you remind me of torn up letters

talking until we're delirious and the heat from your phone burns the side of your face...

falling asleep to the sound of you breathe..

my own innocence... its gone, but you remind me of ..

the last time I trusted and loved 

insomnia, pyromania. 

 cemeteries, beaches, and all the above. 
That stupid rugged backpack...
my infamous red jacket. 

the smell of morning coffee and the stain of red lips...

spines and bones... and little girl clothes..

the sharpness of nails 

claw like down your spine...

the breeze of autumn..

the way you sang to me...

playing guitar,and NYC. 

nouvelle vague.

the scar on your chest...

 No one could ever understand.

 There were no words..

there was no touching...

we just became,and always will be.

 being with you,

chills.

you were always my outterbody experience. 

That electricity,

that drama..

the type of passion

that everyone craves

 the hatred, the clashing conflict 

the form of adrenaline they write about... 

i felt it.

 you are so strange,

and its not my choice in keeping this window open..

Ive paced and paced... only to finally run far away..

but something brings me back to where Ive started. 

 I'll never forget.... 

"oxygen."

                               Its easy for me to find acquaintances, but hard to keep them. 

 So easy to small talk, (though I hate this) but so almost impossible to find that person that you can effortlessly and fluidly just pour out all your secrets, thoughts..even Beliefs/ general feelings to..

It's so easy to quickly respond with an "I'm okay...or "its fine" these days instead of open.... raw... HONESTY.

we are all hiding behind these kid-like masks, fearful of being stabbed and let down, again...

 This makes me think of.. standards. 

   I used to think standards where egotistical, superficial, childish, vain, overall ridiculous, and frankly- bitchy...

 Then, I realized... no... its all in how high you've raised your bar, who is raising it, and their overall intentions of doing so.

 To set standards for one self, is flat out self respect.
 Its to appreciate your self worth enough and everything you want and deserve.

 To somewhat skillfully match yourself with actual joy instead of impatiently pinning against just any random/ self- proclaimed ephemeral MOMENT....    ugh...takes... rationality... patience... and great prioritization which I really lack.. (but am working towards)

 So, standards are good in my book. (As long as you aren't some ditsy, money- hungry, box hair-dyed sloth rolling your mac smokey eyes at every guy who doesn't drive a Ferrari.

  Life is what you make it, and your company is by choice. You are entitled to who you reject and welcome into your heart.

 We are such impulsive, emotional creatures that we don't stop and take the time.. (or in my case, to overlook those masochistic tendencies and for once CARE to take the time) to read red flags, or realize that no, we cannot truly control everything or most things in our worlds... but we can work on free will and filter through what we CAN control, in hopes to creating a more positive future for ourselves.

 Lets face it, our company is our ambiance and though its great to float in and out of the conscious affect that our environments bind us to...reality is... we ARENt invincible  and sometimes our atmosphere is a vessel for all of our bliss, triumphs, restrictions and annoyances, in one.

 The energy you bask in, really impacts your life..and I have personally found myself slowly and unknowingly camouflaging to my surroundings, many times... that's the worst.


Regardless of what others think of me, I'm in a sense.. NOT the same girl I was 4 years ago.. (none of us are)... 3 years ago...and certainly not 2 years ago.

 Ive grown to realize:

•  Just because you want something, doesn't mean its good for you or that you should necessarily obtain it. 

•  Just because someone LOOKS good, doesn't mean they do on the inside.. (or hold anything worth seeking from within, at that matter) 

•  Its CRUCIAL to accept others for who they currently ARE (even if they have potential to better or worsen in the future) rather than fixating on the perception of who they COULD be.. I think that mindset could save like, 99% of girls hearts from breaking. that.. " I can fix and change HIM!" attitude that makes me gag. 

• I would DEFINITELY rather be "unhappy alone,than unhappy with someone.." 

•  and Lastly, I learned that its completely OKAY for some things to not work out ...

Its beautiful, in a way..
and should not be dreaded
or mourned like the expressions of theater and the  media tend to bitter sweetly glamorize it to be.
(then again, everyone is entitled to their own growth and ..."winding" roads I guess..
 Mourning is beautiful too, dont get me wrong.. on its own.. Its a process... its truly a mental evolution. Its so... delicate and absolutely natural. The bad thing with that, is its addictive... (but thats a whole other topic I could ramble about... )

  I have no idea why I'm sitting here, documenting, "journal-ing"  this.. :P

  goodnight!

papercuts.

   Raw. Real. Delicate.

 Fragile and honest.

 Just speak to me, my love...and i'll listen.

     Its 11:44. I just pulled myself out of bed... this is what its like to float... this is what its like to freefall... I put on this old sweater and lift the blinds for some natural light... 

  Today is a sad day.... The sky is grey,and the ground is wet from the rain.... 

 Does something ever hurt you...so bad.. that you cant feel it ?

 Its so intense,that you cant feel the pain..that you cant feel anything at all,really..

thats me at the moment... laying here, lifelessly. soundlessly. 

what hurts to know is, I doesnt matter how amazing I am... because you never see me... and even if you do, someday...god willing..miraculously... by that time, I will have grown old... i will have became weary...

 there wont be much left of me...

 it angers me..

they are all staring.. pushing... pulling..clawing... dragging... needing..wanting...

but you... 

why am i surrounded by hundreds, yet you're no where in this room?

  "this is torturous, electricity between both of us..and this is dangerous, because I want you so much/

   One wants to wine and dine, the other writes me endless sorry letters... but why can you see me? 

 you make me feel invisible. 

to you,its just a papercut...

to me,its amputation. 

 on repeat: "Throw me in the landfill

Don't think about the consequences

Throw me in the dirt pit

Don't think about the choices that you make

Throw me in the water

Don't think about the splash I will create

Leave me at the altar

Knowing all the things you just escaped

Push me out to sea

On the little boat that you made 

Out of the evergreen

That you helped your father cut away

Leave me on the tracks

To wait until the morning train arrives

Don't you dare look back

Walk away, catch up with the sunrise

This is torturous

Electricity between both of us

And this is dangerous

'cause I want you so much

But I hate your guts

I hate you

So leave me in the cold

Wait until the snow covers me up

So I cannot move

So I'm just embedded in the frost

Then leave me in the rain

Wait until my clothes cling to my frame

Wipe away your tear stains

Thought you said you didn't feel pain

Well this is torturous

Electricity between both of us

And this is dangerous

'cause I want you so much

But I hate your guts

I want you so much

But I hate your guts"

Landfill.

       It's been so long, that I've really lost track of all the things that kept me sane...a past of apparent, threaded magic...yet it really did become too lose on me. The needle snapped, and it bled undone before my morphine eyes. They all pointed. They all giggled, as if my own skin was transparent fashion. Now I struggle frantically, picking up the pieces .. a quiet attempt to knit it all back...or somewhat, the fragments that are left.

  Everyone's eyes all on me... but my heart is set on you. 

In a world full of all these degrees and all these louboutins.. All I want is your love.

 Embarrassingly enough, I did it again.. yet again..and again... here I am... hello, at point A. Point fan-fucking-tastic. Mentally pinned underneath my imaginary/fantasy Joe.

      At this moment, I realize.. I could hate it all... in a matter of a sentence, it could all be gone... 

 Even if your life wasn't a fairy-tale, after-all..even if she ended up actually breaking your heart. 

I would still resent your pain,because I didn't ever mean enough to you to even cause a sting... 

 i wish I could, a part of me wants lie to you,just to see if you'll catch it...

ignore you,just to tell if you'll notice...

break you, just to see if you shatter...

 to tell the truth- i want you,but we both know that hardly matters... 

 At this moment, I realize... what I thought I realized... all dissolves in the slice of an instant...

 Even if I threw myself on the tracks, palm upright/ elegantly tilting my head up (all Juliet) 

a dramatic sigh as false lashes bat... your damsel awaits , yet your reaction inconsiderately sleeps through my squinted peek,  Would you even care?

I'm happy, I'm hungry, I'm sleepy, I'm drowning, I'm playful, I'm stagnant, I'm worried, i'm burried ,i'm striving. i'm profound, i'm pretty, i'm different...I'm blonde..wait, I could become brunette again.. I like the same music you do... i'll cook you homemade spaghetti. 

Ive aimed toward you... but nothing captures.

 we both know I love you,but that hardly matters.

About me.

(random stuff from online 'about me' section)


I will fight for the bare, the natural,the humble. the non superficial, the profound, the initial. I will not ache for poison, rather your love in my veins. Then again, I'm just a girl. I'm just a human being. Trying to make my way, as everyone else.

Never forget who you are. It is so easy. Even in the blackest dirt,even in the saddest grime, do not forget your spirit. Who lies underneath your skin and bones. For this, is why we breathe.

What makes me good is that I am bad and good.
What makes me pretty,is that I am honesty.

A complicated girl,with simple intentions. Love.


Diamond In mud.Those who see,are meant.
Those who don't,aren't meant to see.

___________________________________________________


Hail I, aries's queen. perhaps the last to kiss his lips,but richly the first to steal his heart. Forever stained. Forever dead tree.

I'm part kitty, ice princess, fairy, vampire, mermaid, unicorn,dollfie, gelfing, desert dancer.

;) If you don't believe me.. you just have problems.

I like to lay on random roads,and look into the sky. I dance barefoot,and wear flowers in my hair. I wont restrict myself to what the brain tells me, but rather- where my heart will travel.

... If someone says "don't do it", I most likely will.

:p...just cos.

.... i said so.


I shall jump out of airplanes and off cliffs someday only after diving deep under oceans in my mermaid fin.. in harmony with all the waters glorious creatures.

I'm a bit of everything, A speck of all and beyond..
Paradox, Truly Ying and Yang. Light and dark. I don't believe in labels, or judgment. How can we stamp a single word or definition on a human being? A human being full of so many complex internal layers, beautiful energy,and raging spirit?

Dreamer. Belly dancing,Animal loving,book reading,Tree hugging, Astronomy adoring - Earth lover, nature lover. Peace Lover. Hippie at heart.

All I need in life,is a pair of jeans, my guitar,and my jesus tee.
;)

I'm constantly covered in bruises and scratches and cuts I cannot recall, my mom says its because I listen to the song too much.

They call me Naive, I say they are just all too sheep too alike. Who wants to take my hand and step out of the box,with me? Forget these safe zones,the lace of restriction blisters my skin.