Thursday, April 30, 2009

Abstract nothingness.


White is my favorite color..if it is a color that is,
Recovery is every other day in this hell I call my own.

I fluctuate from sweet lolita to aggravated woman..
depending on how he makes me feel.

a dungeon, a prison
some nights i feel beautiful in my own vulnerability
those nights,allowing him to press against me
letting him put me to rest
laying me down upon sheets he calls his own

its your game,its your sword
i take the roll of a doll in masters pity

he says jump,
and shes in the air

the invisible exit, an impossible candyland
i snap when im hurt
quickly covering my wound with sand bits and tampered leaves
damp and soiled from the rain night before and this mornings dew
destroyed spiderwebs and ripped nylon
fast,before he gets here!
now,before he smells my weakness.


It all floods within me.. sudden realization..
hits me in the head like a brick,
scrapes against my cheek,I lose blood and chunks of skin

welcome ur strength!
farewell to little girl panties and baby feelings
that break with every forgotten I love you or missed phone call
no more will u slam me against walls and take control

I am,in my own body



Ive grown a bra size
no more,
will I be your little girl
at least not until alice eats the other side of the mushroom
and falls back on your lap

he says to poison
and i can feel her sickness flowing through my veins..

his call,
her cooperation.

shaking from the smell of real cheese
only plastic cakes and clay pizza please the tip of my hesitant tongue
ive battered my own appetite

what can i say?
who else was going to do it?

i had to take the job for a bit,while he was off duty.

The story of Ana.

The story of ana and her master

Friday, April 24, 2009

Just maybe

like a used handkerchief
tired and ragged
maybe,just maybe
i'll throw her away
if she wont throw me away

ive become a patient
of my own asylum
classy,and Victorian
yet still cold and worn out
we all bleed the same

maybe,just maybe
ive tired from
the rings under my eyes
the blisters on my lips
dizzy head,a sore brain
bleeding thoughts and aching heart

maybe,just maybe
ive tired from
a torn stomach and throbbing limbs
restless hours
ticking, ticking

the smell so wretched,
something dripping from my lips
after "healing"like they say I've attempted
but why does feeding feel so bad?

maybe,just maybe

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

its been a bit! i'm back though.

I feel like I have been putting alot of bad out there in the universe lately,and I deserve to suffer the consequences.
We get what we put out there,right?

although sometimes It doesnt seem fair.

with this ed,I feel out of my body,out of my soul,out of my control.
with this ed,i dont feel as if i have done anything wrong.
it has hurt me,but I dont think i have intentionally gone out of my way to hurt ANYONe or do any wrong to the world.

I dont sit here making myself feel horrid on the inside,
i dont sit here,HAMMERING these feelings into my brain until it becomes an engraved habit that sticks there,man made. I dont DO this to myself.


It has just come to me,for what reason?for A reason.
Perhaps this will bring good and beauty in my life,once i over come it.

Do people MAKE themselves depressed?
do people MAKE themselves suicidal?
do people MAKE themselves have no self esteem?

I personally dont really think so.

You cant expect everyone to be in balance with their inner power.
With their spirit.thats what makes us human.
not everyone has the willpower,or..i should say..the DESIRE to want to obtain that self strength,the bliss,the positive energy.some of us spend all of our lives searching..until finally oneday even realizing its existence!

life is about learning,not being born with automatic knowledge and immediate answers.

what stuns me though,
is how people go about eating disorders...or ANY other disease/disorder of that matter..

[i just recently realized how hesitant people are when it comesto admitting either bipolar disorder,anxiety,phobias,etc]

It disgusts me to know how people ATTACK someone for they HATE you for suffering. how they stereotype,categorize,mock and try to brainwash the world into thinking its A SIN or embarrassment to feel pain or suffer.

and on the subject of EDS,specifically:

Is your mind in the gutter?
have you been reading too many magazines?
You dont know,unless you personally suffer from it.
and trust me,its nothing like what the media expresses or how humanity shuns it to be.

It disgusts me to know how ugly and terrible people can be to eachother.
how human beings animals would
once smelling even the slightest scent of weakness or blood,
they all surround to attack.
to gain up

sense negative energy,and what do humans do?they create MORE negative energy.
why?i cant comprehend this.
sense pain,and create MORE pain?


Why dont we help eachother?why dont we love eachother? i dont understand this world sometimes.

I updated my about me section. thought i would post it on here to update everyone,I think it explained everything very well and I'm too tired to have to rewrite a whole different summary of everything for this post!

"You've come,which means you must be looking for a story.

Why are people so afraid of admitting their own flaws?Their secrets,weaknesses,fears?
Why are people so afraid of admitting to disorders,"diseases"?
Afraid of being judged?Or is it fear of being
disliked,mocked,made fun of,hated?
Afraid of being attacked? Afraid of being hurt?
Afraid of embarrassment? Afraid of feeling ashamed?
Afraid of imperfection?Afraid of...feeling afraid?

Well,I'm not afraid.

I'm Amanda.

I'm sure alot of you "viewers" out there have been
following my page for the last two years
or however long Ive had this account.

If so,you probably have a speck of an idea of the type of
person I am. From moments that has passed,from hair colors
Ive gone through,from clothing styles and photography
experiments. From themed set photos to blog rants,to
random bulletin posts and various layout designs.

over time,we take tiny pieces of people,(from what we assume)
and attempt to put them together..with our
minds,as if glue to a puzzle. To hopefully,in the their final inner person.

At least you've naturally (as a human being,as humans do)
psychoanalyzed my entire persona by what you can
what I directly express..and by what you've judged.. A single layer of who I am.

So tell me,am I a good person? or am I a bad person?
Are you god? have you the answers?are you to even say?
are you in the position,or do you hold the proper role to judge another,assume future,accuse reason,place blame?

Ive grown up so much within the last two years.
Ive experienced rapid rapid cycling,both metaphorical
and literal.[aha] There goes my attempt at being
funny.My little self pitiful,sarcastic pun. :P Lets all el oh el now shall we?

I'm way past using this website for simple reasons most
users would. AS you can probably already tell
from my "about me" section so far. I'm not here to
list my simple interests,hobbies, join your "whore trains" or post "PC4PC"s.

I'm here to express,I'm here to create.
i'm here to connect. I'm here to ..well.. Sadly,I guess you can say "entertain".Then again,arent we all entertainment in our own ways?

having said all of that,

I'd like to say.
I am a flawed,


Currently struggling with an Eating disorder,as of January 2009.

The reason why I mention this:

Is not to brag,to seek attention or sympathy,to sell,to pursue,or to advertise/glorify/glamorize/pollute or corrupt the universe with any negative energy.

I mention this,for the same reason in why I have ever created anything in the universe.
The same reason why Ive dyed my hair different colors.
the same reason why Ive experimented with different fashion.
The same reason why I have endured other situations.
The same resaon why I have opened myself up on this website,and exposed many of my deep feelings and beliefs.
I mention this before any one jumps to conclusion.I mention this to clear any fog or confusion.

I have merely,cut myself open for all to see.

and in relevance of addmitting to my ED,

I am thus, always..cutting myself open for you to see.

Nothing more,nothing less.

this is nothing special,nothing new.

there goes ophelia,ranting,talking,expressing,creating,as always.

My ed has become a part of me.a huge piece.
So it would be foolish of me NOT to mention it,when it has affected me greatly physically,mentally,emotionally.. in every way possible.

So now..whos in the wrong?

Go on,judge.

With all of that said,

I am not afraid.
I am not afraid to be honest,to be real.
I am not afraid to be imperfect,or troubled.
I am not afraid to be full of pain.
Its a natural,beautiful part of life.

I am not afraid to show who i truely am,
instead of pacify a shallow audience with who they'd rather I be.

I will not please a crowd just for an "easy route"
I will not lie to myself.I will not cheat myself of truth.
I know of where I currently stand. I know of what I do.

I'm well out of this "closet" now.
Look in the mirror,and ask yourself... are you out of yours?
have you set your demon free?

have you cut yourself open for all to see? "

I shall post more soon!

Hope youre all happy,healthy,and well<3