Thursday, October 11, 2012


   Raw. Real. Delicate.
 Fragile and honest.
 Just speak to me, my love...and i'll listen.

     Its 11:44. I just pulled myself out of bed... this is what its like to float... this is what its like to freefall... I put on this old sweater and lift the blinds for some natural light... 

  Today is a sad day.... The sky is grey,and the ground is wet from the rain.... 
 Does something ever hurt bad.. that you cant feel it ?

 Its so intense,that you cant feel the pain..that you cant feel anything at all,really..
thats me at the moment... laying here, lifelessly. soundlessly. 

what hurts to know is, I doesnt matter how amazing I am... because you never see me... and even if you do, someday...god willing..miraculously... by that time, I will have grown old... i will have became weary...

 there wont be much left of me...

 it angers me..
they are all staring.. pushing... pulling..clawing... dragging... needing..wanting...
but you... 
why am i surrounded by hundreds, yet you're no where in this room?

  "this is torturous, electricity between both of us..and this is dangerous, because I want you so much/

   One wants to wine and dine, the other writes me endless sorry letters... but why can you see me? 
 you make me feel invisible. 
to you,its just a papercut...
to me,its amputation. 

 on repeat: "Throw me in the landfill
Don't think about the consequences
Throw me in the dirt pit
Don't think about the choices that you make
Throw me in the water
Don't think about the splash I will create
Leave me at the altar
Knowing all the things you just escaped

Push me out to sea
On the little boat that you made 
Out of the evergreen
That you helped your father cut away
Leave me on the tracks
To wait until the morning train arrives
Don't you dare look back
Walk away, catch up with the sunrise

This is torturous
Electricity between both of us
And this is dangerous
'cause I want you so much
But I hate your guts
I hate you

So leave me in the cold
Wait until the snow covers me up
So I cannot move
So I'm just embedded in the frost
Then leave me in the rain
Wait until my clothes cling to my frame
Wipe away your tear stains
Thought you said you didn't feel pain

Well this is torturous
Electricity between both of us
And this is dangerous
'cause I want you so much
But I hate your guts
I want you so much
But I hate your guts"

Wednesday, October 10, 2012


       It's been so long, that I've really lost track of all the things that kept me sane...a past of apparent, threaded magic...yet it really did become too lose on me. The needle snapped, and it bled undone before my morphine eyes. They all pointed. They all giggled, as if my own skin was transparent fashion. Now I struggle frantically, picking up the pieces .. a quiet attempt to knit it all back...or somewhat, the fragments that are left.

  Everyone's eyes all on me... but my heart is set on you. 
In a world full of all these degrees and all these louboutins.. All I want is your love.

 Embarrassingly enough, I did it again.. yet again..and again... here I am... hello, at point A. Point fan-fucking-tastic. Mentally pinned underneath my imaginary/fantasy Joe.

      At this moment, I realize.. I could hate it all... in a matter of a sentence, it could all be gone... 
 Even if your life wasn't a fairy-tale, after-all..even if she ended up actually breaking your heart. 
I would still resent your pain,because I didn't ever mean enough to you to even cause a sting... 

 i wish I could, a part of me wants lie to you,just to see if you'll catch it...
ignore you,just to tell if you'll notice...
break you, just to see if you shatter...

 to tell the truth- i want you,but we both know that hardly matters... 

 At this moment, I realize... what I thought I realized... all dissolves in the slice of an instant...
 Even if I threw myself on the tracks, palm upright/ elegantly tilting my head up (all Juliet) 
a dramatic sigh as false lashes bat... your damsel awaits , yet your reaction inconsiderately sleeps through my squinted peek,  Would you even care?

I'm happy, I'm hungry, I'm sleepy, I'm drowning, I'm playful, I'm stagnant, I'm worried, i'm burried ,i'm striving. i'm profound, i'm pretty, i'm different...I'm blonde..wait, I could become brunette again.. I like the same music you do... i'll cook you homemade spaghetti. 

Ive aimed toward you... but nothing captures.
 we both know I love you,but that hardly matters.