Monday, May 18, 2009

The story of Lo.

A deviant. A child fiend. A play thing.

Perhaps Candy land similarity.., yet not a game possible to play.

A womans mind somewhere tucked beneath the innocent flesh of a baby chest. The devils tongue at game within the raspberry lips of a mouth so tiny, metaphorically virgin.

I have become, she. What am I? More than beautifully structured words scattered on a page.. no revise,edit,censorship,filter or alteration. I am,out in the naked. long thin arms fallen against my bruised sides.. poking hipbones..screaming to be pinched,bitten or kissed.
Standing diagonal in lean upon the elder forest tree. Hot summer heat against my bright pink cheeks.. Dirty ground of wood chips,wild bush and egg corns.

Inhaling this solitude,a moment...I am with careless legs,bruised tomboy knee.. shoe less cut and sore feet. My umbrella is the
leaves of all these above my wavy ringlets. Soon to be dingy and raggy,texture of the weed once I run off this tiny hill into the river to cool off, beyond the.. story yet to be spoken.. words yet to be ..written.

I am,honesty.

- More than dramatically catchy,thrilling scenes on the big screen,pushing you to the edge of your theater seat. I am...the real thing.

Not a novel. Not a play. I am,hot breath, sweaty skin... elegant see through white and ruffled lace.
I'm hot through my pink lace,hes sweating through his rough jean...

Here are teasers,flashes,flickers and blinks.. of what I feel.. of Who I am.

I am living,breathing,existing.

Plump wet lips, when dry:broken cracked and blistered coarse
Big doll eyes, alluring stare
almond shape blows smokey feel
and natural squint
soft feel
fragile,delicate skin
dainty little hands,shaking
vulnerable on the inside,
never thinking,strong willed outside..

5 foot 4
toddler wrists,
all leg.

begging to be dominated...
see me lay,and you must pin down..
see me sit,and you must confront,
your strong finger resting on the bottom of my anticipating chin
see me STARE,and you must kiss..

never to be left alone..never to be left alone..

" I like being choked.Choke me".

snake bite,angel kiss
inviting thighs conceal against
strength and happy weakness

confused.. do I want you? is this really what I wish?
Moan before u give in,then cry in the middle of getting it.

sweet candy taste


The story of lo.

The real thing,not a novel. Not a play.

A mature Philosopher deep within the childish giggles of a naive spiritualist.
A serious,deep thinker beyond the excessive cartoon watching,ice cream swallowing,doll playing habits,laid.

I am more than just what I visually,physically appear to be. I am anything but the typical. Anything but the average,or simple. I am anything but the assumptions,accusations,labels,judgments,guesses...estimations.

I am not one thing,I am everything.

A hippie who hates everything
A virgin who sucks cock
a Junkie whos against addiction
the spiritualist who supports science
the optimist dancing on the end of a bridge..

It all started today,and Today, I was confused... Thus, Accused to be sinister. Uncertain,unsure and high on my own insanity..
Strung along to a man I adored,long..
long days and endless nights towed..Stood by him,
so many buckets of commitment and devotion that it was sick
He never once willingly swallowed,but he sure did drown in it.

A heart of mine,innocent and fresh
soon ravished by blood, his words,lies,torment..
the master..
the sadist..
The lover.
The one and ONLY.

Im a kitten,calico and sweet
small,and patient
demure beneath his feet

He,is a man.
Cold,indecisive heart
Strong,powerful hands
lustful eyes
large tongue,
compared to mine..
large everything.

and I mean....


handles me,not once merciful,
handles me... not once gentle.
but at times..he too,
succumbed confused,uncertain..unsure.

and at that, I had bled.

Today,I was confused.Lay back on a strange new bed.. My devilish eyes scream "I want!" like it was a piece of candy.numb to any consequence,an egnosic teen sweet tooth. Aching,and yearning was my puberty. What I wanted, was Not My master,my one and only staring back at me..

so hurt from the love I was deprived of

so instead,I intake this stranger.
in the end,I am only human. I am full of flaw,mistake,contradiction. Place not blame upon me.. only mercy.

If you choose my masters shoulder to rub with sympathy,
or over mine,side with his perception...and feeling..
know that..

I have not done anything he hasnt already done to me.

They all say my tongue is small.

And at that moment, I knew I could get anything I wanted out of him. With one glance,a grip of power through sullen, dozy eyes.. hazing with desire. Drowning him with temptation,and I was not going to quit or contain this overflow. hot with reflection.. wet lips and swollen,ready between my legs.. Like a little cake baking..a pie in oven heating; waiting to be cooked and ready for taste.

Pocket sized: pixie,faery.
Pale Porcelain
fairy tale creature,fantasy.
carry me in your masculine arms to the sofa,large

They all tell me they are afraid they would break me.

So they wont put too much pressure upon me..

Limp,and scrawny
I lay here underneath u,giant...
Quiet,and puny
Hamster heart racing so quick,
intense,monster butterflies eating the organs in my stomach.
But you.. you are so confident.. seem so certain.

Is it because youve been at this before?

There you go again..

acting too scared to put much pressure on me..

Is it my soft scent of the pulsating anorexia?
my endless skill to fluctuate.. Here u can smell it starving beyond the existing capacity of the microscopic pores in my skin; the unicorn blood in my veins, warm and pumping. The heart of life,unwillingly, thoughtlessly beating.. hear its quaint pitter patter through my chest.. rest your head..come.listen.

its tearing bones in my body..thick, fat, thin.

Is it my young age and mind growth?frail and fatigue.
is it my emotions, my feminine sensitivity?
is it because I'm considered a child,
that you think.. I am innocent,naturally?
by nature,and age?
by body structure,or hip size, width in waist?

Is it the way I look into your eyes?
without a sound,
head tilting back,
small nose, smooth cheeks..
muffling..soft moaning and whining.. mumbling.
chin cupped within my palm,.
You know what I want,and
does it make you hesitate..
from plowing and mounting...

away and away..

mmm away...and away?

He asked me if that was my puppy dog face. And at that moment, I knew I could get him to do anything for me. Through cost of endless cent,impulsive action or heartfelt feeling.

I was the prize,and he was tenacious at his winning.
I was the darling toy,and he was consistant at my string.

I whined and tugged on his sleeve;the addictive drug...satisfaction is mine with just one single word,kiss or grind..

I know exactly how to get my way. I know exactly how to get what I want.

here i lay on top,upon his trouser center. until the balloon bulges,fills..

Pop. Pop.

will you... if I continue?

I can see the pleasure in your face.

will you buy me icecream,if I continue? Will you finally give in?

I can tell by the way you quickly glance over if I if to scream at me not to stop..
the occasional fidgety motion in your impatient,needy hands,anxiously searching for something to grab,or take grip of..running your hand against my dress, lifting at my hips

I wore white today,because I felt pure..

You stare above,seeing through at my nude,tiny breasts.


to be continued.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

quod me nutrit,me destruit.

here I am.
What am I to you?
What do I look like?
Can you see me within and through?
I'm not alone.

She'll always be a part of me.
everyday,I push her aside
stubborn,and angry
lounging alone in a corner so dark and cold
feet up, one sock slipping off,the other confidently pulled up

hand folding across my chest
the other inhaling from the cancer stick

"Dont talk to me"
Shes like my lover.
She must of done something wrong,
now I hold it against her

Dont want her,Yet I'm stuck with her.
dont Love her,Yet I need her,and cannot hate her

sore muscles from compulsive motion
raw throat from purge due penetration
growling stomach from abusive neglect
Dizzy head,I'm swaying I'm falling
Would stand on my feet,but the walls are much too inviting
I can float,I can fly
shaking hands,
they would assume I am on something..
I feel beautiful..

angry.. what?
at nothing

I'm dying today..
will it be the day I am taken in?

When they try to rid me of her poison
yet they do not know just how deep has seeped into my veins..

Thick black rings under my eyes
circles and proof of the cross Ive carried
for so long,it seems
yet only months
my name should be "strength"

I do not isolate,
because there is no one to run from

I cannot count anymore
Reading,but the words rise upside down,
they break apart,shake and scramble
squeezing together so I cant tell the letters apart..

mystery bruises
new exposed rib in the cage..
aching,angelic physique
tenacious chest pains

my brain feels like its rotting.
loud noises make me jump,flinch, shake
bright lights hurt the surface
of who am I?
of who am i?
skelli girl

Children sizes,
little girl clothes
baby breasts
and tight stomach,
shrinking waist

carry me..carry me..

a faerie,a mermaid
arrowhead,dasani,fugi, we float under a sea..
call me
call me

yellow,brittle nails
shredding hair like a frail lions mane
a lioness laying on the hot plain,
weak in dehydration,dying
like the anemic skin of a bored snake
tiring of its own being
crawling,slithering far away

chapped,blistered lips cracked
my dry lizard flesh,
no lotion can take away

she'll always be apart of me
even long when the full calorie tea hits my content lips
but i'll always still remain of her touch

her stain.

all through me

when years tow,
i can stare in reflection with eyes wide and finally guilt less

do you see this hair? long and full
do you see this body ? in liberal size,fed and large.
do you see these nails? in color,and strong

my name should be strength.
my name should be strength

For all to see,my struggle
for all to acknowledge the pain ive endured
the cross ive beared
tried so hard to lift
no matter how weak my arms
or shaky my legs

no matter how fast the numbers decreased..

everyday a fight,
keep going..keep going..

fight against her
fight with her
fight against everything..

im sipping

but here,shes still a part of me
always,will she

here I am.
What am I to you?
What do I look like?
Can you see me,within and through?
I'm not alone.
I am not one girl,I am two.

quod me nutrit,me destruit.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

I was bigger,when I was 12.

5/3/09 Goals:

1) cut back on the snickers,chocolate and junk food.
Ive learned that there is still such thing as "healthy restriction".
Just because it may may MAY be okay to eat,doesn't mean its ok to eat complete SHIT food all the time.

Its not going to do me,my body,OR my teeth and mind any good aha.

So instead of allowing myself to remain the ultimate snickers junkie :P
I shall detox myself of this vile addiction and substitute a snickers with baby carrots and ranch dip,other vegetables or IF chocolate just cannot be refused: a chocolate cereal with soy milk,which isnt made of pure chocolate. I know I have some control and self discipline still left in me somewhere!

2) Continue eating. (aha cos you know,its that know..that HUMANS do? aha. I like making fun of myself sometimes. :P)

3) Continue taking Meds and vitamins. No matter how many times I forget in the morning,and how much I hate those meds. I need to take them still,I guess.

4) Exercise more again. At least once a day for 20 minutes.What harm can that do? If I feel myself start to become addicted or kind of compulsive again,i'll just quit exercising,right?


I do not consume any soda. I stick to water,powerade 0 and 5cal raspberry crystal lite. ;) Yum yum.

I Do not eat any MEAT. Havent for years now.Animals mean alot to me. I cant ever see myself eating meat again.I am so glad and proud of myself for sticking strong throughout the clinic when they tried to make me eat it. So many people encouraged me and pressured me,tried to pursue me but my heart told me otherwise.

I'm glad I refused. I still put animals before myself. Even if they said recovery should come first,The thought of eating an animal would be too hard to bear at night. aha. :/

I need to stay strong with my instincts and passion.

Recovery should be SOME bit enjoyable and OUR choice. Not the insurance companies or clinic staff members.

I want to be comfortable with the decisions I am making,not forced to eat food that doesnt taste right in my mouth,OR mind.

I was thinking about going vegan again,
but I really do want my hair to grow out.
I'm scared if I cut myself of all dairy products,I will be still deprived of nutrition,thus,no pretty long hair. :/
and in that case,i might as well completely restrict again. Which i'm not really up for right now.

So I guess i'll stick to my soy milk,
and OCCASIONAL chocolate and egg and cheese breakfast croissant from burger king aha.