Wednesday, November 27, 2013


"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television,choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. choose a three piece suit in higher purchase in a range of fucking fabrics . Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. choose sitting on that couch watching mind numbing spirit crushing game shows.  Stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth.  Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in as miserable home, nothing more than a n embarrassment to the selfish fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. choose your future. choose life. but why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?"

Friday, September 20, 2013

Just Like our argument.

"I know this sounds completely made up, but I felt taller somehow and ..prettier."

Thursday, September 12, 2013


   You're killing me. Cutting me down to nothing.
He desaturates me. Breaking me off into pieces,
 with every word, I unlace...
Collapsing. a reoccurring ache. 
But I can't help but still find you to be so beautiful. 

I thought things were different. I thought the absence of me would stitch our disease.
 No matter how my spine bends for you, you're still unable to see

 We're like children,together
 I could spend allday laying around drinking chocolate milk with you or 
 dancing in our underwear...
nothing would ever get done, but we were okay with that because we were too consumed by eachother.. running my fingertips down your skin, and your hot breath on my neck...
we play house, desperately fishing for happiness

I thought things were different. I thought the absence of me would stitch our disease.
Feeding you discipline in doses... yet
  No matter how my spine bends for you, you're still unable to see
 No position or contortion will persuade you into respecting me...  

Blind to..
The cry for help,
the helplessness in my tone
the reverse psychology 

us becoming critical...  
us becoming fatal

 My anesthetic,  I find myself feening for your touch and taste
I'm hypnotized by your mind, 
it replaces my own
your breath
your sight...
distracts me from my own senses
undermines my own hunger
chipped fingernails from
frantically digging for happiness
 I guess they are all right about me
i'll never learn, will I?
 I'll never have enough...
you push,and I return
I pull and you dissolve 

I just wish I was special to you,
I wish you couldn't lay still without me,
let alone sleep or eat..


 I wish you could understand how short this time we have is,
and once its gone, theres no altering.. revisiting
time makes no exceptions and moments are fragile

 I wish you loved me,Like I love you. 
I can't help but find you to be so beautiful.  



Tuesday, August 27, 2013

We can't let the past go until we accept it.

 Nothing and no one are what they seem...

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


  When the substance grows a face... 
    a face that surpasses your own. 

   You talk, but no one hears you...
people speak, but they aren't getting through....

 Losing sight of every sense
bruising without a fall and
building an immunity to fear and conciousness

   I still have a longing for love,
but I dont quite think I know how to take care of it...
 You say you understand, but you have no idea.....

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


Getting full on emptiness
with every swallow,
I dissolve, and I grow a little less

Hypnotized by the magic crystals
its translucency
its potency 

I am mesmerized and fallen
in its dream like state,
Its grandiose scheme of things
Its divinity. invincibility.

The grand perspective of myself
in neon high saturation 
reflecting onto all others to see

I glow,
my mirage of flawlessness

 I am numb.
I am significant.
I am queen.
Endlessly grasping for a happiness I cannot keep...
The fictional. The out of reach. 

The baby within is almost dead.


Sunday, March 31, 2013

Follow baby.

2009 photography.

"maybe a babys breath could save me.
 a touch, i bruise too easy. 
her hair, it bleeds and bleeds for you..
 as blood runs easy. 
shed lay the fees, and offers peace she offers... 

shes scared to see, so humble..
 no food to eat, we follow
but after sleep we're to the forest field she said "

Saturday, March 30, 2013


" I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."

 I have wandered so far that I can't recall who I was or what I've felt.
A course my feet had drawn,
(as if my legs could sprout a skull...)
Tracing imaginary desert circles... so vast and shapeless
a mouth of rotten skin,
beneath glossy Chanel lips
so chapped and ugly. (tasteless)

I have wandered so far that I have no recollection of where or how,or who I should return to...
and would that familiar body be of someone else or my own?

I have wandered so far that my own reflection blurs out of focus.
excuse me- I may have forgotten my dignity on your headboard.
within the repetitive heat of your thrusting hips

all that's left is a jigsaw of cognition,
fuzzy pieces
sour and scrambled
echos of the past
only a dying scent of innocence
 fiddling hands of remorseless regret

An Empty memory of how I've gotten here,
down which path, and in what span of time?
And If you asked me, I would remain unable
to spill such visions behind such unknown binds

I can't even return to those who've hurt me...
unable to crawl back on my raw knees
for its impossible to twist and bend only an illusion of a spine

 I cannot remember enough as to whom I'd run to,
or which direction I'd start
forgot the names of all the bridges ive burned and all the bridges ive already crossed

I cannot feel enough to even want to
I cannot feel enough to want at all, or not

Lacking the energy to wish,or even sleep
or strive, bore, tease or taunt

 All that's left are
evergreen vines of coy and stupid
 I'm too posh to function and too poise to notice
but I'll still make an appearance at every gig and every party
soul- thirsty thorns which flourish through me
a masquerade amongst all who freshly meet me
of fibers of who I was,and what I pretend to be

box-dyed blond jokes and premeditated charm
I myself, am untrustworthy
on this plain of contagious despair, lust, instability
but I still bet you and all your friends will try to unbutton my blouse by the end of the week..

Little Fiend thoughts behind a pretty smile
and behind such doe eyes,drool starving teeth
you may worry about leaving me feeling lonely and clingy in a crowd
but dont worry about me clinging to the idea of love

Nearly nonexistent,
 my little girl day dream days melt far from me...
of a prince who will oneday cradle and revive me
preserve my porcelain skin from the splattered grime of the world
behind his ever honest form of love and masculinity

 he who obtains the ability to separate the bullshit from truth
he who is a being, a supernatural energy
breathe your breath into my chest
to not merely see,but know me
"protect me"
Well shit, arent we all entitled to fantasies?

True, All that was buried in 2009 is gone,
but that doesnt stop me from thinking...

I have wandered so far
that I've lost tally on who is real and who is performing
We all coat ourselves with blended secrets and truths
these layers we adorn with false love, we're really fucking phony.
but what still scares me is when I believe him after hes said hes sorry..

 I always find myself  in a nervous attempt to filter              
through the abstract sea of authentic and generic
difficult, not impossible
I whine through my magnifying glass of self inflicted curiosity

friends today wear dog faces of foes alike
they all sternly speak in confident sophistication of how naive i am
but I Laugh to myself at how naive I was

 I used to think beauty was conventional .
 I used to think happiness was essential
I used to think love was forever
but only fairytales end in "happily ever after"
[so glad I killed off that part of me,
that used to believe in anything and everything]

 I have wandered so far that I can't tell if i'm alive, or floating
and if not, when did I pass? and if so, where am I going?

There is no up, there is no down
just faint memories

black and white vibrations
numbing static in the distance
of a face I wore
and words I bled
of promises that must have been conceived
but never sheltered
and lips that were kissed but not adored
but hurt, and then so decisively sewn

Left with only glimpses of a time Ive lived
of a ground Ive laid upon
a daisy headband I used to thread
a starry sky Ive gutted with my cold eyes,
of a hole Ive fallen down
of clothes too worn-in,
a world Ive out grown
too many lies Ive bit into
that shrunk me too small
and too many bullshit compliments that
grew me too tall
couldn't find the key of sincerity
to fit within
a pretty rose painted world so cold
wished in silence
to myself,about myself
and amongst others

I cant recall how Ive gotten this way
or what exactly this way is.. but something is off putting
I could care less of who you've fucked before or after,
but I cringe when youre not looking directly at me.

 theres that ache in moments of pain
and an ache in moments of joy
and an ache in moments of

 If only I could regain my innocence
a buried locket, a dead realm
imaginary port of security
to return to the most recent memory of silence, and emotional safety
but even those lands have spoiled and im left with no choice but to venture forward..

Monday, March 25, 2013

Life as you know it.

(my photography and other images/quotes/writings I find to be beautiful)

You're waiting for something, you've waited in vain because there's nothing for you...

And when she wakes, 
In her fragile state..
Well she calls my name,
Hoping that I keep her safe

but I need sorrow, baby... lifes sorrow is the drug.

"We were born to be alone, everybody all alone..born alone, to be alone. We'll stand alone forever. Standing on the world alone. Learning how to stand alone..and always to be alone, we'll be alone forever. "

"But a mermaid has no tears, and therefore she suffers so much more..."

Knowing someone needs you, but needing no one in return.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

I'm not in love.


Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide 
Voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time 
The night is my companion, and solitude my guide 
Would I spend forever here and not be satisfied? 

And I would be the one... 
To hold you down 
Kiss you so hard 
I'll take your breath away 
And after, I'd wipe away the tears 
Just close your eyes, dear "

Thursday, March 21, 2013

You can feel...anything.

Skin is only as good as what lies within it...
existence is only as powerful as you make it.

The act of creating and destroying...
Embracing change, and abandoning safety
Preservation. Decompositon.
Feeling invincable in our incompetant human form
Feeling explosive underneath our ant-like limbs..
Taking the blame for our broken composition
Our beautiful disfigurement
Our childlike breath

Killing ourselves and reviving ourselves
Everything is momentary,
and who cares for being scolded...
Everything is beautiful..
and who has time for feeling flawless

we will live our own triump
we will write our own lectures.

I'd rather be tattered than papercut-less

I want to lay here, just to fly
and jump off just to fall...

Kaleidoscope-like transitioning,
into stagnant waves of pain and articulation
It will sculpt you,says the bruises. The slices.

 The amount of strength it takes to truly mastering acceptance
No crutches. Raw endurance.
The amount of skill it takes to indulge, then Starve again.
Organizing these colorless pixels of sour times and recollection with a smirk
they stain my hands, but strengthen my craft.

I hate selective hearing...
I dont want to become that,
I still spit on your brand names.
living that way..
Its like the attempt to tame wind through your fingers...

The sight within closed eyes.

I'll numb again, only to de-ice..

 The art of twisting and tangling situations,
The web of complexity lies within you
The universe lies within you
Sincere appreciation for everything unedited.

 Just being.

 I complain about the mess,
but really, I'm responsible for it.
 I create my own chaos
and I wouldnt have it any other fucking way.

Friday, February 15, 2013