Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Youre making me laugh.

Stop trying to "save" me,or help me.I don't even know you.
It's not going to work,really.

If my own mother cannot really affect me in a way a "savior" would,then why the hell would a STRANGER on the internet do so?

I mean,seriously.
and that whole "anonymity" isnt flattering or helpful either,so don't think thats supposed to soothe much.

My body,My life.

I'm not touching you,or your life.

I appreciate the supposed "compassion" but mind your business.

Do you go up to obese people,and try to to straighten their lives out by telling them they should eat less,and get help?
Do you randomly walk up to someone on the sidewalk,whos smoking a cigarette and tell them its a disgusting habit,and that they need to quit as soon as possible?



1] most people dont care.
2] people who DO care dont have the BALLS to do something in public.

chances are,I'm not your friend.
chances are,you don't even care about me,I dont care about you,really.

Go help someone who wants it.
Who really really..needs it.
because in my eyes,everything happens for a reason.I have faith,I have security.

Dont tell me how to live.
Dont tell me how to act.

Worse things are done,everyday..right under your nose..
majority of which you cannot physically see..
but and then you jump right up to try to criticize or "save" me just because you can see it on my skin?

Monday, February 23, 2009

i'm in love with her.

I dont want to ever let her go.

though the smell of final dishes are delectable
her scent is so much more delicious than anything else
though the taste of the chocolate,melting in my mouth
her taste is sweeter than anything... anything else.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

That damn bracelet slips back on my wrist.

I made up my mind,in the sense of not making up my mind. Its ok,everything is ok. I'll spin round and round some more..

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Things are different now.

I have never felt this disgusting...this ill.

I know,something beautiful exists out there. I never had before. But now,I know.

Everything will be ok..because "Everything is perfect". Nothing is flawed. Everything is fixable.

I'll be ok without him. The one I kissed.
I'll be ok with her. The one I wore on my wrist.
I'll be ok without it. The punishment.

I'll be fine with this.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Mental retardation.

Bullshit has taken a toll on me. I love all you beautiful people who see a light within me.. but lately,i feel Like its all an illusion. ..or maybe it was a pure flame,thats slo.. w l...y.. dying out.
a diming light.

I used to have such a beautiful way with words.. Now..I don't. I dont feel like I Do. I mean,the physical sensation is still there. Before,I had sensation..and.. expression. Now,I'm still that same person,(Just a bit more fucked up) just without the proper form of expression! cant put my feelings or thoughts into words because they are so abstract and a l l o v e r this place. Out of this -------------------> universe,really.

I imagine my thoughts and feelings being a sort of a collage.. An endless,Large collage..full of cuts outs of flower pots,and black and white lines and splattered neon paint..and.. I dont know. See? Here I go again. I feel it..Just cant express it.

I cant concentrate in anything. All I can do is..sip water and listen to music and lay in bed..or..hang up clothes and shoes compulsively on a rack so none of them are lopsided or falling off or look uneven. ha.

I cant even think. Very scarce amount of people understand me when I talk about it..[talk about how i cant think or talk..]

I'm like alice,But this wonderland is worse. More horrifying. And Instead of being called Alice,I'll be "Ana".

I thank god they exist though.

anyway,basically,I think I'm going mentally retarded. aha. My brain must be shutting down. I'm even forgetting how to like..fucking spell certain things that ive always used to spell perfectly. Or like..pronunciation .. haha.

And,I'm forgetting everything in school. I take hours worth of notes,.I 'm extremly technical when it comes to notes. I find every single bit of knowledge of information valuable,and precious.I want to know it all,but Its like my brain rejects any information.

I'm trying,I really really am.

Maybe I need a tutor.

But instead of trying to save me,people criticize me or punish me. Thinking i'm.."rebelling" or not giving a shit,when thats not the case at all.

Even IF i tried to explain,no one listens.Their heads are up their asses.

I have unbelievable potiental,I know I do.

I'm becomming ugly..oh god no! I don't want to lose the person I was.. but.. maybe If I became numb,I wouldnt be upset with the new zombie I'll become.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The death of innocence

A vicious cycle.. I don't want to lose this touch,this outlook,this perception.I don't want to grow old and bitter,or just a few years older and bitter.

The world will be the death of me. he will be the death of me.The silence will be the death of me. All that ravishes and plunders with absent remorse,...will the death of me.

This media,this society..could take the shiniest to rust,
Will grab you by your ankles and swallow you whole,
if you realize it or not.. I'm starting to think it happens to everyone.

Sure,I'm fucked up.. but not entirely. Since I'm completely split in half and never one initial way completely. Theres still such.. purity. Such intact innocence within me..Such hatred for corruption..Such fear.. is fear a naivety?or is it just a vulnerable emotion?

I'm scared of getting a job,of driving..
of growing out of old clothes,
of visually maturing.

I have my faults,and My flaws. I'm not holy Mary.

My throat rejects water,and It tastes like blood.
I want to break mirrors
I snap at people easily
Most of the time,I hate humanity.
I can be reckless and careless.

I dont want this.

I dont really... conciously crave a vile substance to help take away the pain..
I'm just lost..
and maybe..just maybe...aimless feelings.. being lost..confusion..pain.and hopelessness,is a form of innocence?

Maybe corruption in itself,and tattered outlooks, poisoned intentions..and scraped knees,and knotted hair and cigarette lips are all forms of innocence?


maybe... the after ward rape affect..
rape of the body and mind,yet not sexually.

maybe THAT is.... innocence?

The death of my innocence.
There may be rebirth..
but never like the scent of a confused virgin.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

We do enough for ourselves. I think its time for the animals now.

This is utterly disgusting.
People need to KNOW what they're eating. How it became food. What youre putting in your body. Might as well walk down the street and start sipping from a used ,half empty soda can. I'm sick of the vile abuse that goes on in this world.. the careless people in it.


PETA Takes on McDonald's--McCruelty.com

Watch video:

McCruelty: I'm Hatin' It--Learn More.

Please take action and fill this out:


I know it may be difficult for people to sway from big time fast food chains,but for me,all it takes is a bit of cruel reality. A small video. I'm done.


Monday, February 16, 2009

Who wants perfect?

so..hes an asshole.
so what?
hes GENUINELY an asshole.

but who wants a sweet guy,anyway?

what is a life..without conflict? wheres the excitement? wheres the connection?
if its perfect,it dies off..at least if it starts dead... it cant possibly die anymore..leaving it with only choice of... growing for the better?

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Pro Red bracelet?

I messed up today
I was poison in the pond of a perfect water fast
I was crumbs and broken pieces of dinner
drops and chunks slipping through my frail,shaky fingers
creating waves and wrinkles through the sapphire
tiny whirlpools of guilt and regret
polluting the pure with what i wish was successful vomit

I am,complex
was it worth it? never.
I look around,and cant relate..
to crowds and happy mouths, all maids,cleaning plates

they say i'm not me,because I said i'd never be this way
but I am me,you see
because we all have a chance of change
ive changed and soon.. I will change again.

So tired and weak
shot nerves and skyrocketing blood count
I am..killing myself?
but I was always dead
thus,I Am not afraid

I am red bracelet.
I am not a label.
I am a feeling
I am not pro or anti anything
I am ..me.

I am a beautiful person
I am a human being
I am mistakes and ugliness
they make me pretty

I am breaking,
I am building
I am destroying,
I am creating.

I am,"Fuck you".
I am, compassion.open arms.Warmth.hugging.
I am,hatred. Broken glass,cold and alone.Bruised knees, chest bones.
I am love.Chest bones.Why cant chest bones be love?

For if this is only a chapter of my life,
this week is a section
and tonights flaw is merely a sentence.
I can rewrite.
Life is but a moment

and,I am..
red bracelet.

Caught up in my own thoughts..
soon I started to observe the similar thoughts of others..
unfolded a disorder.

I'm not okay,but I don't think I'm close to the edge either...
wait no,... I kind of am,nevermind.
Although,I do feel as if i'm dying. and It wont take much more until I start to die physically.
but, ..people..as always..will judge situations by apparent severity.

I sink in confusion. I dont understand.. How sore girls can say they arent "pro"
yet they still remain sore?

how can you not be "pro" but still be within a disorder?

Almost as if turning your back away from who you are
ashamed,embarrased? Why? why ? why?!

or singling out those in confusion,
trying to label things all by yourself
as if its yours to neatly,compulsively categorize

you say youre not pro,
but in a way.. you subconciously are,
because you still sleep in the chamber of that mindset.

and you play in the baskets of those feelings..
dipping your toes in whatever interests you..selfishly..
no.. no no..
you cant have half,you must bear the whole.


hm. I think...

Theres a reason for everything.
Whatever happens,happens.
There is origination and innocence to all.

There is a starting point for everything.

So how can you not be "pro"
if it is what you are?
And why is it what you are,
if you are made up of other things as well?

Why cant you just be "pro yourself?"

or is that..impossible?

I am not pro anything.

I am

my body.
my life.

I am,

my choice.

I am,

Pro me.

I am,


and full of complications
and misunderstandings
of logic unable to decipher
and feelings so deep,impossible to uncover
I am.. contradictions
I am, dangerous
I am,safe.
I am so negative,
I am so optimistic
I am so broken,
I am so.. okay.
I am..not okay.

I will..kill you.
I will shelter you.

I will pull you close and beg you to help me,
I will push you away and tell you to stop trying to save me.

I want help,I dont want help.
I want to do it my way.

I panic,
I calm.

I realize,
I'm in fog

I recover,
and I.. die.

I am..

red bracelet.

I am,

I am,


I am..


Always have been.

Always will be.


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Do you know how strong I am?

I don't really think you know the meaning of self control.

Do you know how difficult it is?

I would fall in love with someone like me,
not because I like me.
But because I know what its like to feel unloved,
and I know what it is to not love someone like me.

I would caress her,
I would share with her
I wouldn't dissemble her
I would preserve her innocence.

I wouldn't try to change her
But I wouldn't let her die

I'd share this feeling...

because I have self control.

Monday, February 9, 2009

A sick dimension

He made me cry tonight,

So I worked out.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


I'm Now 'banana girl'. A fresh concept I'm cooking up somewhere in the depths of my pretty subconscious. I don't really like bananas,(to be frank,I actually quite despise the taste of them)but, I force myself to eat them.

You cant understand me...

You cant understand,because its humanly impossible to categorize me.
Even the tightest stereotype,falls lose around my neck
And i'm smiling,because no matter how hard you try,it will never stick long.

I cant even label myself,they havent made one that "fitting" yet..

Labels make things easier.
Labels sickly clarify the dysfunctional, atmosphere

helps us understand the reality,the nature..

Science,numbers,rules,and long division..

all such labels, to make things simple.

To give it a name.

to be able to slam it down in a text book,
to be able to close the cover or flip the page.

to have all the entire reason of its existence,all the infinite answers in the desperate grip of your shaking hands,
as you wait in the checkout line at the local library..

how beautiful is that?

to be able to understand?

Oh but,you cant understand me that way. You never well.

i'm alone.

No one will listen,they say they do,they say they want to.. but they lie. and It feels good at the time as I lose blood from their knives in my frail spine

Its just a game,you know?

Its a pity thing. Its a fooling thing.

They do love me,they probably do..but not enough.

And i'm alone..

theres no one to tell

no support,no shoulder to lean on

no chest to cry into

people just look at me like im mad

I am mad,but im sane at the same time.

and.. your brain cant focus on the median of sanity and insanity.

I'm not like those girls who all huddle up in the bathroom,passing down the toothbrush from under neath the stall,

one gag at a time,and the emptiness is gone.

one flush away, One wipe of the mouth.one lip gloss application. One pull down on the skirt.

Out of the door,and gone away,

I dont need anyone.

I dont really need friends, i tell myself.

I stay alone,in the corner..by myself.

I'm not like those kids who wear sullen on their face..

ive been told i'm very diverse and versatile,

sometimes.. I look okay. Sometimes,I'm quite delightful.At least my mouth reads that way.

cant say my eyes,but my lips are good at fooling.

I'm not like that hollow girl,20 lbs,6 foot tall,designer mini gown backstage,alone..
a cigarette in her hand, a dead on,blank stare.. into the absent space of I dont know what.

no thats not me.

i dont need to smoke my pain away.

im all alone.

no cigarette..

I'm just me.

take your labels, you cant drop my name underneath it even if you wanted to.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Theres a character in you,too.

What is life without having an alternate world?
A secret mental land?
A powerful perception?
An internal ego?
A private persona?
An inside personality?
A complex identity?

The real you,vs the you that others perceive..hmm?

Youre a character.
I'm a character.

Internally,we are who we are.
Externally,we are who we are.

Points of views,points of views is what they are.What the world is made of.
Perception,and perspectives.

Internally,We get certain ideas of who we are.
We assume we know ourselves better than anyone else does,
but often times I find myself comparing my own thoughts of who I am
to the information others seem to of gathered of who they think I am..
scrambled words,mixed letters
Allover the place.
Sweet and sour stench.A brain fuck.Two at a time.

Internally, I am who I am.
I'm yet to (never) know who I am,
yet I know plenty of myself at the same time.

We can never understand ourselves,completely.
The strive is over,when we're dead.
A sleeping destination.
Thats when you've completed this ...'self research'.
Because,Lets fact it,Theres too much information within to comprehend.

No need to figure this out,let it be..

but i cant help but feel so uncomfortable as I see my own face
reflect from within the pupils of others.

how do you see me?
If I told you who I was,would you even believe me?

would you doubt?
would you laugh?
would you turn away,because you didnt "think" of me that way..
or you just had no idea at all,because of how shy I seem to be?

To look at something..and then suddenly feel ..so ..much.
When I say "feel", I mean,the cognition is extreme and so immense..Mindblowing.breathtaking.Captivating,Stalling.
It effects us all not only mentally,but physically.

It tells us what to do,It plays a huge part on how we feel.
Cognition,connection- to environment.
Cognition,connection- to..clinical dysfunction/biological behavior?

I look at everything,random things,things everywhere.
in the house,outside,in supermarkets,in the bus,on the street..

stop signs,
black top gravel,
the colors inside a book store,
of everything from the different colored spines of the books,and the shapes,the sizes.
the endless,overwhelming text
the bold,the italic..the large,catchy title and
the tiny,aligned overall print of every chapter.

the smell of candles,coffee.
The way that checkout clerk looked at me.

the sound of cars honking,and trunks slamming.

and they all make me...feel.
they touch me..
they play with my hair
and brush against my bare stomach..
lifting my blouse,and kissing my neck.

Do you see?
Can you feel it too?
Dont you see,
the cognition is fucking me.

mm,and its good.

And its private.
yet... people around me,think that its public.
think that they have the right,to get inside of my head.
to judge,to know

I love its hands..
and its wrong..so wrong for you to want to stand and watch,
...but its right at the same time.
Its so beautiful

I may be looking at something,but you dont know how it feels to me,on the inside.
Underneath my flesh,in the slime and the blood.
against the walls of meat,bouncing upon the DNA streams.
Zapping through sudden flickers of electrochemical brain waves

I may be staring at a teapot,my head may turn,my head may stay still..
I may have this particularly peculiar look on my face,
but my thoughts very well be the total opposite.

If I grin,I may really feel sullen
If I frown,I may be actually content
If I whine,I may not be whining out of pain at all,
but of pleasure..or desire.

to you,i may be a sort of girl.
some sort of girl.
some specific type of girl.

a bitch?
a sweetheart.
a slut.
an innocent.
an honest person,
a liar?

but that doesnt mean that I really am of those things..

its perception and perspectives.

Your boyfriend may be Prince romeo to you,
but he may be the most disgustly,vile cad to his ex girlfriend.
Strawberry jam on toast may taste so delcious to you,
but it may taste like a Styrofoam box to your friend.
That small place in the city,may be such a ruckus,
such a burden,a stress, an urban cram to your neighbor.
but It may be the most enjoyable,amusing,interesting place youve ever lived.

If youre my mother,I may be your daughter.
Your stomach would turn at the thought of a mans hands allover me
If youre my brother,I may be your sister,youve never seen a really serious side of me
If youre my teacher,I am your student
We cant talk about masturbation,or how I cant stand organized religion.

but I am me..
in so many different layers.
I am layers.
I am sections.
I am parts,and pieces.
I am fragments and particals
I am everything.

I am a character.
I'm in a movie
the most significant movie of all
this movie: Life.
I'm in a tv show
i'm on a runway
im in a book
im in a painting

A theater

the best art: Life.

I've been a written girl,
Described facial features
A creative role
Someone made me,
but I made myself.
We both made me.
because,its all about
perception and perspectives.

A strict screen play script
"dont mess up"they say
Do i fall?
I like to fall.
I'm dangerous
I have these...little drugs..
but are they drugs?
I think they are.
Theres my love,as a posion,he is.
my restraints,My punishment. My masochism,and then there are actual pills.


And cigarettes.
And wanting to kiss,
And running away.
And being thin.

And Wanting to die,
and drinking apple juice.
And bruises on my body,
and heart shaped sunglasses.

And being rejected,and being hurt.
dirt on my hands,but perfect hair.
red nail polish,and pretty lips.
runny liner,but soft,bare,clean little knees..

watch me.

This world,really is a play.
Its a film.
Watch me.
Feel me.
Let me touch you,brush against you
Let me inside your head,and kiss your thoughts

my actions,
my dysfunctional life
my faults,
my flaws

I'm not special,really.
Yet I completely am.

theres a character in you,too.

Just find it.Embrace it.

I'm a girl you're yet to know.
I'm a girl you may read about,
or maybe not.

I'm a character.
Indirect and direct characterization
your perception
as you read...these..


your thoughts of me..
the sensations..
the ideal,and the strange.

who am I...

to you?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I'm only human.

Just yesterday,I wrote in conversation to someone over myspace-

(to a lovely lady at that,if shes reading this ;p)

"but I'm only human.
so then once I realize that,I remember how beautiful I am again.

To have strange thoughts,and seemingly negative goals

some would say i'm aiming for destruction,

i dont think so..
i'm not afraid at all."

My head is spinning out of control,
I'm taking on so many different goals and dreams.

So many things I want,
I want to endure, feel,
obtain and fight for.

theres so many different layers.

Simply put, If I wanted to categorize each section of 'goals'

I would say, there would be an emotional and logical.

In the emotional,
I would probably continue to be tied down by a dead and abused 'love',
I would accept pain,and slightly dwell
I would curl up in my bed and never want to get out.
I would wait and wait around forever for someone who may never ever come.
I would punish myself in ways
I would accept different negative thoughts
instead of trying to softly embrace them shortly before replacing them with the better

on the logical side,
I would study alot more and get focused
I would go to college
i would push myself and push myself
i would throw myself out of bed in the morning.
I would get a job,drive,be responsible.
i would save up money in a bank account and not spend it recklessly on clothing or accessories.

i would eat right.

Ethics,and then theres these fucked up desires and fantasies and goals of mine.

Just after recently feeling in the middle of being a completely disgusting,sinful individual and a beautifully flawed,virginal(because of the sin like behavior) human being

[if that makes sense to anyone]

I have a love hate relationship with myself.

I came across this while studying earlier:

Freuds theory assumed that most of what exists in an individuals mind is unconscious and consists of conflicting impulses,urges,and wishes.according to freuds theories,human behavior is aimed at satisfying these desires even though some of them seem socially inappropriate or even unacceptable.but at the same time,people want to see themselves as good and decent human beings,thus,they often are consciously unaware of the real motivations for their behavior.

mm,then I thought.

There probably really isn't such thing as "fucked up" or "normal."
we're ALL tiny pieces of sin,and innocence.
normalcy,and abnormality.
positivity,and negativity
pain and pleasure
the guilty,the pure
the artist,the destroyer

you know?
we're everything in one. how dare I try to judge myself? how dare you try to judge me? how dare I try to judge you?

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

O bjork,O bjork.Save me from this hell.

Perhaps 'headphones saved her life', Bjork endlessly saves mine.

I wish I had someone to talk to .Someone to relate to.
People dont understand,I think shes the only one who would.
Oh how stereotypically youthful,naive,emo and stubborn I must sound.I know,right?
"teenage angst."*cough* Label as you wish.

In reality?No.not at all. A persons ability to feel,a persons perception and breathtaking,overwhelming cognition should not be measured by the number of years they have existed.

A four year old can endure just as much as a 40 year old.

Its the truth though.

I cant talk to someone without them saying I "Think too much","over analyze" or that i'm the biggest theatrical artist/drama queen on the planet.

Its because I use big words and talk with emotion,and abstract,spatial,neon colored art flying every from my mouth.

I talk and feel at the same time.My words must physically rub against peoples skin or something.

Then theres those assholes who just dont get it at all.
i mean the jerks who mock me,make fun of me,or just cant comprehend me at all,are ONE thing.they are just ignorant,

but the fucking assholes who snap back at whatever beautiful connection I am trying to share with them,really get to me.

The ones who are just completely rude and tear apart any innocence I gently hand to them.

They dont deserve such a gift.



My love.

Read this pitiful post of mine,and contact me.


no,but seriously.

She is one of like 2 or 3 artists/ HUMAN BEINGS in this entire universe who I feel like i can relate too.

someone I know who understands.Somewhere whos beauty and intact innocence is so rare,stealing my breath away.

I have this beautiful feeling in the pit of my stomach,
a have this pulsating ache,this needy stimulation and powerful vibration in the palms of my nerous hands.. Dying to create something,a creation screaming to be born.

I need to share this with someone,
what is love,without human connection?
what is beauty,without human connection?

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I want to.

I told him to run away with me.

I said I wanted to live somewhere pretty,in the countryside.

Just me and you.thats all we need.

Life is all about love. That is the reason of life,I believe.
Theres pain to endure,
but why do we endure it?
because of pain? no.theres more to pain,
theres love,and light.

Without love,there is no life.

Drop your gun.
Forget your drink.

take my hand,and run away with me.

I'm not scared,
you shouldnt be either.

Dont fear the world,its none to fear
youre the only one who scares me every now and then
and i'm sure I scare you sometimes too,but its all just in your head.

I told him to run away with me.

We could leave as soon as possible,please?
A roadtrip to an unknown destination
We can listen to fleetwood mac while driving through deserts and forests,
farmland and endless plains
off of the grid,the greedy,grabby hands of this piggish society.
If the government was a man (not that it isnt) but a man,in flesh and physical form,
standing tall,in a handsome tux,clean cut face and romantic eyes,
I would see right through his devilish thought and cheat him because of his gluttonous ways.

I'd never cheat on you,though.
you know i wouldnt. i love you,remember?

I told him to take me away,forever.
We can throw out the television,and lay in bed allday.
I would kiss your face
I would run my hands gently over your cheek,and rest it on your chin
you can pause your finger by my lip
i'll kiss it
thats not all that i'll kiss

i was feeling all needy,and scared and romantic

"run away with me." I said.

and then he went back to playing his 'sims'.

Books to purchase.

Just lovely,yes?

I want a job at Barnes and Noble so bad,but i'm afraid i'd get caught browsing allday. :P hmmph.