Mental retardation.

Bullshit has taken a toll on me. I love all you beautiful people who see a light within me.. but lately,i feel Like its all an illusion. ..or maybe it was a pure flame,thats slo.. w l...y.. dying out.
a diming light.

I used to have such a beautiful way with words.. Now..I don't. I dont feel like I Do. I mean,the physical sensation is still there. Before,I had sensation..and.. expression. Now,I'm still that same person,(Just a bit more fucked up) just without the proper form of expression! cant put my feelings or thoughts into words because they are so abstract and a l l o v e r this place. Out of this -------------------> universe,really.

I imagine my thoughts and feelings being a sort of a collage.. An endless,Large collage..full of cuts outs of flower pots,and black and white lines and splattered neon paint..and.. I dont know. See? Here I go again. I feel it..Just cant express it.



I cant concentrate in anything. All I can do is..sip water and listen to music and lay in bed..or..hang up clothes and shoes compulsively on a rack so none of them are lopsided or falling off or look uneven. ha.

I cant even think. Very scarce amount of people understand me when I talk about it..[talk about how i cant think or talk..]

I'm like alice,But this wonderland is worse. More horrifying. And Instead of being called Alice,I'll be "Ana".


I thank god they exist though.

anyway,basically,I think I'm going mentally retarded. aha. My brain must be shutting down. I'm even forgetting how to like..fucking spell certain things that ive always used to spell perfectly. Or like..pronunciation .. haha.

And,I'm forgetting everything in school. I take hours worth of notes,.I 'm extremly technical when it comes to notes. I find every single bit of knowledge of information valuable,and precious.I want to know it all,but Its like my brain rejects any information.


I'm trying,I really really am.

Maybe I need a tutor.

But instead of trying to save me,people criticize me or punish me. Thinking i'm.."rebelling" or not giving a shit,when thats not the case at all.

Even IF i tried to explain,no one listens.Their heads are up their asses.

I have unbelievable potiental,I know I do.


I'm becomming ugly..oh god no! I don't want to lose the person I was.. but.. maybe If I became numb,I wouldnt be upset with the new zombie I'll become.