Sunday, February 15, 2009

Pro Red bracelet?

I messed up today
I was poison in the pond of a perfect water fast
I was crumbs and broken pieces of dinner
drops and chunks slipping through my frail,shaky fingers
creating waves and wrinkles through the sapphire
tiny whirlpools of guilt and regret
polluting the pure with what i wish was successful vomit

I am,complex
was it worth it? never.
I look around,and cant relate..
to crowds and happy mouths, all maids,cleaning plates

they say i'm not me,because I said i'd never be this way
but I am me,you see
because we all have a chance of change
ive changed and soon.. I will change again.

So tired and weak
shot nerves and skyrocketing blood count
I am..killing myself?
but I was always dead
thus,I Am not afraid

I am red bracelet.
I am not a label.
I am a feeling
I am not pro or anti anything
I am

I am a beautiful person
I am a human being
I am mistakes and ugliness
they make me pretty

I am breaking,
I am building
I am destroying,
I am creating.

I am,"Fuck you".
I am, arms.Warmth.hugging.
I am,hatred. Broken glass,cold and alone.Bruised knees, chest bones.
I am love.Chest bones.Why cant chest bones be love?

For if this is only a chapter of my life,
this week is a section
and tonights flaw is merely a sentence.
I can rewrite.
Life is but a moment

and,I am..
red bracelet.

Caught up in my own thoughts..
soon I started to observe the similar thoughts of others..
unfolded a disorder.

I'm not okay,but I don't think I'm close to the edge either...
wait no,... I kind of am,nevermind.
Although,I do feel as if i'm dying. and It wont take much more until I start to die physically.
but, always..will judge situations by apparent severity.

I sink in confusion. I dont understand.. How sore girls can say they arent "pro"
yet they still remain sore?

how can you not be "pro" but still be within a disorder?

Almost as if turning your back away from who you are
ashamed,embarrased? Why? why ? why?!

or singling out those in confusion,
trying to label things all by yourself
as if its yours to neatly,compulsively categorize

you say youre not pro,
but in a way.. you subconciously are,
because you still sleep in the chamber of that mindset.

and you play in the baskets of those feelings..
dipping your toes in whatever interests you..selfishly..
no.. no no..
you cant have half,you must bear the whole.


hm. I think...

Theres a reason for everything.
Whatever happens,happens.
There is origination and innocence to all.

There is a starting point for everything.

So how can you not be "pro"
if it is what you are?
And why is it what you are,
if you are made up of other things as well?

Why cant you just be "pro yourself?"

or is that..impossible?

I am not pro anything.

I am

my body.
my life.

I am,

my choice.

I am,

Pro me.

I am,


and full of complications
and misunderstandings
of logic unable to decipher
and feelings so deep,impossible to uncover
I am.. contradictions
I am, dangerous
I am,safe.
I am so negative,
I am so optimistic
I am so broken,
I am so.. okay.
I am..not okay.

I will..kill you.
I will shelter you.

I will pull you close and beg you to help me,
I will push you away and tell you to stop trying to save me.

I want help,I dont want help.
I want to do it my way.

I panic,
I calm.

I realize,
I'm in fog

I recover,
and I.. die.

I am..

red bracelet.

I am,

I am,


I am..


Always have been.

Always will be.


1 comment:

  1. You will be acknowledged, recognized, appreciated and lauded when you are gone...I hope it happens within your lifetime as well or that you will at least benefit from your talents and have opportunities to help those that can't help themselves as that is what would probably bring you a degree of happiness...