Just yesterday,I wrote in conversation to someone over myspace-
(to a lovely lady at that,if shes reading this ;p)
"but I'm only human.
so then once I realize that,I remember how beautiful I am again.
To have strange thoughts,and seemingly negative goals
some would say i'm aiming for destruction,
i dont think so..
i'm not afraid at all."
My head is spinning out of control,
I'm taking on so many different goals and dreams.
So many things I want,
I want to endure, feel,
obtain and fight for.
theres so many different layers.
Simply put, If I wanted to categorize each section of 'goals'
I would say, there would be an emotional and logical.
In the emotional,
I would probably continue to be tied down by a dead and abused 'love',
I would accept pain,and slightly dwell
I would curl up in my bed and never want to get out.
I would wait and wait around forever for someone who may never ever come.
I would punish myself in ways
I would accept different negative thoughts
instead of trying to softly embrace them shortly before replacing them with the better
on the logical side,
I would study alot more and get focused
I would go to college
i would push myself and push myself
i would throw myself out of bed in the morning.
I would get a job,drive,be responsible.
i would save up money in a bank account and not spend it recklessly on clothing or accessories.
i would eat right.
Ethics,and then theres these fucked up desires and fantasies and goals of mine.
Just after recently feeling in the middle of being a completely disgusting,sinful individual and a beautifully flawed,virginal(because of the sin like behavior) human being
[if that makes sense to anyone]
I have a love hate relationship with myself.
I came across this while studying earlier:
Freuds theory assumed that most of what exists in an individuals mind is unconscious and consists of conflicting impulses,urges,and wishes.according to freuds theories,human behavior is aimed at satisfying these desires even though some of them seem socially inappropriate or even unacceptable.but at the same time,people want to see themselves as good and decent human beings,thus,they often are consciously unaware of the real motivations for their behavior.
mm,then I thought.
There probably really isn't such thing as "fucked up" or "normal."
we're ALL tiny pieces of sin,and innocence.
pain and pleasure
the guilty,the pure
the artist,the destroyer
we're everything in one. how dare I try to judge myself? how dare you try to judge me? how dare I try to judge you?