Friday, January 30, 2009

2009 Materialism: My wishlist.

I NEVER do this, ..

for one, I think there are alot more important things out there in the universe and alot more meaningful,conceptual,beautiful things to blog about before clothing or simple tangible items.

I feel like theres such a great power out there,in the centered pit of the universe. Its emotional,Its mental,Its an energy. Sometimes I even feel like its PHYSICAL.

Alot of girls are side tracked with false eyelashes,expensive pumps and play boy covers,They forget the actual beauty of life.. The materiallism pulls them away like a shallow wind, deceiving them from ever reaching that perfect,beautiful internal "pit".


I feel like Fashion is beautiful,but theres too many people out there who are unable to think past it.
Theres not enough metaphorical,spiritual beauty out there or bloggers who discuss deeper thoughts or more emotional perceptions.

BUT,I'm making an exception this time because I have come across so many adorable clothing pieces, And I cant keep track. So I think it would be cute to express it on here,and also easier for me to remember the websites they were on,so when it comes down to ordering them,I can actually do so :P

My relationship with fashion:


I like to consider myself an actress in many ways. An actress, in a way so non typical or litteral.

I take on different roles,I place myself in many different shoes (litterally) haha And fashion is something that I really consider to be an infinate sea for me to dive into. Role playing, Being theatrical but genuine and emotional at the same time with my clothing. Its an art.

Ultimate motto:
I'd rather be 'NO WAY' instead of One way. I'm not just a few things, I'm everything. I really dislike when people limit themselves to different fashions,or only stick to a few basic styles.

Fashion is becoming more and more of my life.

Signature style: Pretty textures,and popping patterns. PLAID,PLAID,PLAID.I can never get enough plaid.Mens neck ties,knee high socks,berets and mary janes. Heart shaped sunglasses, saddle shoes, Mod collared mini dresses,deep& rich colors that contrast with the lightness of my hair.





Your clothing expresses who you are on the inside. Some people forget that,others simply overflow and exhaggerate the trunk of expression by taking it to a whole other level. By doing so,they succumb to letting it get to their heads and overpower their lives. Fashion shouldnt be abused by being used as a shallow tool. Its more than that.Its pieces of our souls,its artwork.



So, Here are a mixture of some vegan pieces my mom had found for me.


'Beautiful Hippie Looks':

Everyone loves an echo friendly,people loving,animal adoring vegan bi polar girl. AHahaha.


These pieces can all be mixed and matched together.


HEADBANDS







SHOES





JEWELRY










TIGHTS


CLOTHING







'CUTE BUT TRUTHFUL PETA APPAREL':

TEES





PETA PINS FOR MY PURSE















All items from mixture of following websites:


urbanoutfitters.com
hippieshop.com
petacatalog.com
maccosmetics.com
http://www.alternativeoutfitters.com

My Vegan Life so far..

I was in a rush when writing this.i just needed to get it all down into words,I havent written anything really in a while and I Feel like i'm going to explode.

AS i came to the end of this entry,I realized I wasnt even done yet.I havent even began to touch up on what I was initially trying to point out or express ..so sometime later,when I have more time,I Will add more and hopefully finish what still burns inside of me.





I'm trying to get my life together. I'm trying to cleanse myself. I'm desperately trying to scrape out all of the bad in my life,and replace it with the good. From food,to fashion,to overall internal emotion and universal perception.

Filtering out the dirt and filth from my life.
Washing away all the muck and grime.
All this corruption,negativity,and brainwashing scum.
All of what we've ever known,seems so evil to me.
Ive tried to look at it differently,but no matter how you twist it,it still remains.

Ive realized,sometimes you cant just try to look at a certain situation differently,and then be ok with it..
sometimes you have to actually get out there,and physically,spiritually remove it and replace it with the better good.


At first,This may seem difficult,to nearly impossible to others,sometimes even to myself.
Later on in,it may still even seem difficult to nearly impossible,
and Perhaps even years down the road it may still seem humanly ignorant,naive,stupid,queerly childish,and still IMPOSSIBLE.
Frankly: "retarded." or "dumb" of me to ever think about attempting to succeed or striving to obtain and reach.


Why is it so hard to do these things?

Why is it so hard to stop eating meat?
Why is it so hard to stop eating dairy?
Why is it so hard to stop purchasing leather,Wool,or fur? (Theoretically and hypothetically speaking. Because I personally have never purchased any of the few)
Why is it so hard to cut out television from our lives?
Why is it so hard to stop consuming products that were tested on animals?

WHY? because its ALL We've ever known.
So of COURSE,its going to be difficult and intimidating to break away from it,at first.


When we,as Americans, As human beings,are raised a certain way,in a certain strict environment for such a long time..(not even necessarily specifically an AMERICAN or strict environmental thing,just using that example for myself)


Its like learning a whole other language
or learning to walk again,
except this time..its not walking,but its running..or FLYING!


Smudging the rules,
mixing up the books

taking away whatever spiritual law that was laid down for us to "follow" even when our hearts tell us otherwise.



When we are around certain things for a long time,
Soaking in the essence and concept of the habits
Going along with mechanical,daily routines
of what to wear
what to eat
what to purchase
what to watch on tv
...
it gets to you.

really.

it starts to almost penetrate your brain cells,at least seeping deep inside until our thinking and reasoning processes are altered to those around us,all due to cloned,stern daily cognition. You see something,it gets inside of u,and in a way,its an actual brainwashing process! ha

At least I believe so.

Forgive my innocence for not having the proper terms for this:-
but its like when you go to stores,and people Try to sell you things.
I cant go into a mall without people taking my wrists and softly pulling me over to fucking carts to try to sell me things.
forcing themselves upon me.

Then you have the media,
those superficial messages sending about our childrens ears.

The sexuality,(sex is a beautiful thing,dont get me wrong.When youre in love. Not when youre on some Bret Michael show,showing your tits every five minutes and probably fucking him off air.)

So I guess 'SEXUALITY' should not be the correct term to use,because i'm NOT agaisnt sex,dont get me wrong.

its just 'PROMISCUITY' that I have a problem with.


Then you have the violence as well.



My point is,these seem to all be brainwashing tools.



Also,thoughts of never changing certain ways of the world.
Thoughts of ONLY keeping the beliefs we all NOW live in.
LIMITING ourselves with shallow opinions of whats right and whats wrong.
never challenging the future,
never researching,experiencing,experimenting,or going out there to find the "NEW".
Never throwing away the "OLD".

Obviously,I am metaphorically speaking.

I do not mean throw out your old jeans and buy new ones ha.

I'm saying,
forget those vintage ethics,and go get yourself a whole new way of Life,A fresh state of mind.

Stop thinking like others,and think like YOURSELF instead.

get your head out of your parents,or friends,or work buddies

and listen to the voice within yourself.


Even if people say youre wrong.
IT doesnt mean your wrong.
WHOS to say?GOD? maybe.

So,until you and god have a talk,

no one else should matter.

Their opinions should slip off your skin as if it was fucking baby silk.




I'm really sick of people sticking to the way the world is,and never looking,thinking,feeling,or tasting outside of the box,or out of the safe zone.

what IF everything you know and have ever known is WRONG?WAS WRONG all along?

I think people are scared to death of realizing that.


I guess its not a matter of realization,but Just getting out there and seeking whats BEYOND.

NO need for closure.

Life isnt a letter,stamped and sealed waiting for another one to be written.

I guess you can say,

Life is like photoshop :P

No need to completely erase and leave bare.

Take what you have,and Draw over it.Edit,alter,Create.


W'ere all artists.


No need to fear.
No need to hate.

Keep focused,And lose our way..

Everything is good.





I've been studying alot about the great originations of the important psychologists of the world.


People who have discovered.
People who have felt.
People who have challenged,questioned,argued and battled.

People who stepped out side of the box.

People who searched,and searched without officially seeking,(because I personally think the human brain is a science that will NEVER be 100% exact or accurate with even the GREATEST research,or depth in study.


THEORIES, THEORIES are what they are.

I give these men props.

Not For necessarily disagreeing, but for feeling.

Feeling that there is another way,
that this isnt the only way,
that its not THE way
but that there possibly is more out there.

More Facts.

then again,not really 'facts'
since fact always battles fact,
and both of them cannot be correct
doesnt that leave with two opinions?



I question things. I Dont agree.I feel beyond.I'm open to possibilities.

I want to have my own theory.
Maybe I already do now.
Maybe someday I Will have a PHD and you'll see my theory or way of life written on paper.ha

Then people wouldnt tell me i'm crazy.
ha...
I DO have Einstein hair in the morning,after I roll out of bed. ;p


but moving on-

(nice to joke between the seriousness of it all)





Its hard to stand strong with your own beliefs.
Its hard to keep your own voice loud and out there,when almost EVERY SINGLE person you know,thinks otherwise and constantly tells you you are wrong and you need to change.

People constantly put the way of how things "have been" down my throat,trying to convince me that the "has been" always "Should be" and "Will be".

FUCK . NO.

That isnt the case at all.




Its hard for us to move on and make our own lives,when the world around us seems to be swallowing us whole.

You know,i'm not even going to blame the beautiful mother.ITs not the earths fault.
Its the people that live upon.





I have all the facts I need.
I have all the knowledge.

I spend hours researching,writing down notes after notes after note.


Now,After gathering the information,
its all about actually changing my life.

I have the content all on paper,
i just have to bring it to life.

its really not as hard as people think..


Being vegan,especially.


Most of what "normal " people eat is complete shit anyway.







Thursday, January 29, 2009

So I guess my brain must strictly be right sided,then.

Left Hemisphere:

Communicates by using words, has highly developed verbal abilities, is logical and systematic, concerned with matters as they are.

Right Hemisphere:

Communicates using images (pictures), has highly developed spatial abilities, is intuitive and imaginative, concerned with emotions and feelings.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Shallow people.

Why is it so hard to comprehend?
Why is love so easy to mock?
Why should it be pathetic to feel vulnerable and ruined all because of another human being?
Why is it shunned to be completely impacted and controlled by anothers words?
Is it flaw? a beautiful flaw.We're human.
be strong,and broken. get on your feet,and fall ontop of him again.

why is it so hard to comprehend?
Why wouldnt love be something to die because of?

Why is it pitiful?
Is it a flaw?
its a beautiful thing.
Its a powerful thing.

to be ruined by another..

I dont see any problem with revolving ur life around anothers life.
with being completely selfless.
with just wanting to make them happy,
yet wanting them to make u happy in return..and if it doesnt work,

why should it be pathetic to cry?

Life is so short.
We're so short.

youre so shallow,for thinking its not beautiful
to be broken down by another breathing,feeling,living human being

all for love.

all we have in life,is love.

something i'd die for.
I dont know about you.
something i'd kill for.
I dont know about you.
Something I'd tear myself apart for.

Monday, January 26, 2009

It all started,
as I was not your first..


how can I cleanse the filth of this world?
How can I mend the dirt of this universe?

how can I wash away all the perversion before me,
how can I clear my mind of thought where youre laying..
laying upon another sheep

So much disgust
So much infection
so much tattered,rugged,rusted innocence

where is the innocence?
no one is innocent anymore

I wish I could kiss you
I wish i could smile like you tell me too

even if youre nice to me,
its hard to forget
cant clear my mind of thought where youre laying..
laying upon another sheep

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Floating in the sky..

My thoughts change every other hour..sometimes every half hour,
when the rapidness is vicious,its every other 5 minutes.


I feel dark but light at the same time
happy but sad
I'm flying in water,
floating in the sky

its so black here
but its so white

Unsafe,and secure

lets just leave this place.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Birds dont always have to have wings.Cars dont always have to have wheels.

Everything we know,
everything we've ever known
and everything we are yet to know..
why is it this way?
why do things remain as this?
How did they become this?
Why cant we change it?
Or...Can we change it?
I want to change it.
I'm sick of the rules.
I'm sick of the fear,
i'm sick of the authority.
I'm sick of the control.
This world is free,and wild
No matter what country you sit in
everything should be bare,and natural
Life should be blind,and open
innocent and willing
fly,if you want to.
Sleep all day,and stand all night if you wish to.
Everything you've ever known
everything the world has been said to be
however you've comprehended it
i want to alter this
change it up
reverse it
scribble over it
erase it
correct it
I dont like to say into "my" way..
but into a way
so unlikely
virgin,and delicate
Something non corrupted
for the fact that people will consider corruption,pure
And whatever I feel will no longer be labeled
confusion will be clarity
and complexity will be simplicity
because we will never jump to conclusion
nor will the vile mist of assumption fog our way
and sometimes Sins wont be sins
People wouldnt be stereotyped
we'd look at the feeling,instead of merely at the person
we'd remember "human" and not perfection.
I would be able to fuck u on a local bus,
and none of us would get caught.
I always felt as if my mind was at least 10 years older than my body.
Someday,hopefully,it will catch up with me.
I battle two sides to everything
the way I am,
and the way they think i'm supposed to be.
A child,a woman
An adult,A baby.
Lust,and love
and thoughts of love,and aches of lust
Cycles that kids go through,and yet phases that ages beyond,endure
I go through puberty and menopause at the same time.
Why is everyone the same lately?
Why are lyrics in songs so typical that I can guess what they will next say?
Why do girls all dress the same?
Why do adults go about things the same way?
Why does every mind think alike?
Even their unique and distinct self qualities bare
such sharp similarity
Everything we know..
everything we've ever known..
and everything we are yet to know,
i'm going to change.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What I dont understand.

Sometimes good minds get bad grades.


Its been a bit since I last blogged.
I just got home last night,
This will probably be an aimless ramble,but oh well.


Ive been learning alot more about life,
with everyday that passes..
something more is understood..
Something else is taken in.
Another struggle,nurtured
Just as another agony and hardship is succumbed to.

But sometimes I just cant grasp certain knowledge.

Tiny particles,to overwhelming moments.

I get scared because alot of people seem like cloned sheep.
Looking at me,saying things..
expecting me to nod in agreement,but I Dont..
I dont see any logic in what they say..
there is no BEAUTY in what they say..
it doesnt even make any sense.

I want to interrupt and voice my view,
I raise my hand and voice how wrong they are
but then they would all quickly turn to me,
with an evil stare and take me away


and then I look at him,and he seems ok..
Like its all alright
but It troubles me,really
I Wish he knew the headache I have
because of every face that passes me by
and every number im forced to memorize

so much up and down,
left and right
colors,shades
black and white



I can almost guess what they will next say,in daily conversation..
and I'm almost 98& correct when it comes to assuming their outlook or perception on certain things. Certain things that have to do with me,at least.

I dont judge,
I observe
and I turn my head back and forth,
taking notes
and feeling sad,feeling happy
no dinner,but a show
this life is so amusing.

Everyone is a character
Every line
Every play


But what I cant understand,

has nothing to do with my place
My personality
or age

I just feel this way

When I feel sad,I cant help it
when I cry,I cant help it.
I dont WANT to cry,
It just happens

When I'm envious,or nervous and worried..

It just comes to me,I have to feel it..

I feel it in my body,
Physically,it bleeds through me
Its not something that ticks at the door,waiting for me to open
Though I admit staring pain in the eyes and politely imposing it to have a seat.


I guess its natural.

I'll always have this to me,
hopefully..maybe..
I dont want to be another sheep.

Its an innocence.

I'm sorry you lost yours.

Dont tell me it will go away with age,
then i'd be as vile as the guy sitting across from me on the train.






And,Why do we focus on certain things,that we shouldn't focus on?

Why do we follow so many rules,

Well,What I'm saying..probably wont make any sense,

Nothing does.

Its a wonderland,of falling clocks and top hats on our feet..
walking upside down and eating tea.


Why do i have to follow rules?

Why do I have to wait?

why cant we just run away?




I know there needs to be law,because law brings balance.

Without law,there would be havoc..
well,More havoc than there already is,I suppose..At least.

more dysfunction.

But I wont go do drugs
or take off my clothes
I wont prostitute
or murder someone
I wont drink alot of alcohol
and get a DUI
I wont steal an apple
or pick a fight

so Why cant I have this love?
I dont understand

I'm not trying to hurt anyone
not you
not my mother
not god
not even myself

I just want smiles and warmth

so why do they all judge me

why would anyone judge us?

They dont understand.
I dont understand,because they cant understand.


why we focus on trying to prevent kissing
and try to protect people from happiness


we should live as we wish,
even make mistakes
to learn again
because I know i'm not entirely careful
and thats what makes me so pretty.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Back home.

Forget the "Finally" part. Some people say.."FINALLY" back home..

But screw that.

As soon as the car pulled me toward the gates ahead..
those gates which surround the prison,tall
cold and grey
sharp and vindictive
sadistic tipped teeth
I felt your breath on my neck,...melt away..

As soon as my eyes met
into that unwanted romantic embrace
between me and
The Fenced in hell,where I sleep
so unluckily,am I unlucky
I felt your touch blow away..


I hate this place,
where I bathe and eat
I'd run away
If I had just a dime to my name
to you,i'd run
you know It wouldnt be any other way

as soon as I dropped my backpack,
I heard my moans soften until they were gone completely

Suddenly an overcast of dark..
a dead shadow, hovered over my sore soul
warn down body,
and pill scarred throat

as soon as I collapsed into my bed
as soon as reality hinted that I was alone

my craving lips
and aching thighs

I almost cried.


The evil seeped in,so deep that I wanted to yelp
Remembering it was only a second that i was away
forth heaven,you are
even if its just a second long
Now to return to this..

I'm scared that I will soon forget
forget so many pretty things
the warmth that burned inside my chest
the way your fingertips stained my face

I'm scared that I'll forget
the way you look
the way you feel
the way you smell
the way you taste

i'm scared that i'll forget
the cracks and flesh indentations in your hand
the begging silence in your eyes
the forceful weight of your body
the wetness of your mouth
everything and anything,you've ever looked at
with your heart
with your head
Even with that thing in your pants.

to you,i'd give up my name
to you,i'd hand more of my innocence

my aching thighs and craving lips

are you scared that you'll forget?

the way I look?
The way I feel?
The way I smell?
The way I taste?






I'll never forget you.


Youre in me,forever..now.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I'm going vegan.

vegetarianism isnt enough.


Monday, January 12, 2009

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Pretty Cognition

Don't these images just make you want to take off all of your clothing and run freely in a beautiful field of daises somewhere? Or play in a waterfall..swim in a river,or take a nap in a meadow,under the shade of a tree.



























You thought YOU had racing thoughts?

I woke up today,
and everything just hit me hard in the face.

Ive been awake for less than ten minutes,and its already out of control.

"im getting older" I thought,as I was laying in bed..

and I dont want to have blonde hair anymore..
I tilted my head as I stared within the mirror..

I put down my toothbrush.

So i'll buy a wig,and
i'll commit suicide before my next birthday.

No, I cant..
I'm not sure of what to do.

I'm just scared to death of growing up.
I want to stay young forever.
I'd hate to be one of those self proclaimed "lolita"s
or are actually 22.
Lolitas arent 22 years old..
I dont want to be..

I want to stay here,for eternity.

I dont know what to do.

My little sisters hair is so pretty,
I think maybe I'll darken mine a tiny bit so it can be pretty like hers..


Why am I being so compulsive over my clothing?

I need more plaid skirts,I dont have enough.
I only have 5,and they arent 5 enough.


maybe i can work for the money.
but who in this hell would even pay me?

I have to,before I get on the plane.
i need another plaid skirt before i leave.

I cant even wear it to new york because it would be too cold there
but i still need that... extra plaid skirt.
Just so I know I have it.
and maybe even another white button up blouse..
Just so I can feel safe.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Hi,I'm new at this yet used to it at the same time.

SO WOW.

I just spent like five billion hours moving all of my old blog entries to this page!!!

It was quite a bit of work.


I dont know how this site works,or these "blog pages"..
honestly,I dont really care either.
All that I care about,is my expressed thoughts,beliefs,and feelings.

AND OF COURSE:
HUMAN COMPASSION AND CONNECTION!



I care about my blog.I care about my posts..
as long as they are out there,and people are viewing them,thats all that matters. :D




Viewers/Readers from myspace:


you probably got this link from on my page,and thanks for continuing to read my blog. :D it means alot to me. From now on,I will no longer be posting entries on myspace. Only on here.

You know where to find me,if you want to contact me or talk about any of the topics posted. :)



I'm scared to death.

Reposted,because it got lost in the endless zone of my entries and this is one of my latest entries.

Written on:Tuesday, January 06, 2009



I wrote this for a man I love.
he hasnt read it yet,I don't think he cares much.
I'll be forever adding little pieces to this,as the weeks and days pass..
i'm always inspired by different sensations..
its the neverending poem/ will probably turn out to be the longest piece i've ever written.







i'm scared to death,

when i realize the true colors of everything around me..
when i acknowledge the genuine skin of the walls surrounding me
when the smoke clears,
away is the fog
and my virgin ears bleed with the sound of reality


the real tint
the real taste
the real texture

when I realize i am not in an evergreen field of daisies somewhere
when the castles brick fades to an apartment building
urban streets,blacktop grease,graffiti scene

when the victorian gown melts to a pair of jeans and a dirty tank

when the death of your voice is only a click away
and the beauty of your existence holds in the palm of my hand
and your lips are somewhere deep within the caller ID

I am scared to death,

when I recognize the realism of a disintegrating cloud
when I finally comprehend the harm of a moving train

when the paint washes,
when the mirror cleans

and my baby eyes cry and blink
pupils,widen with the high of reality


the clarity
the science

I am a spiritualist
and a Scientist

Yes,there is a way.

But I am scared to death


when the floating shapes around me,colorful squares swaying,
and fuzzed out neon willow trees
focus into faces of millions of crowded people
walking in a city so gray

I am scared to death

my stomach turns and twists
about to spew up an olive colored mess

when I watch the promiscuous lips of vile lovers,two
entwine and kiss
without any conscience
arent they supposed to be "mature",wise,and ever in such ethic?

I am scared to death,

When I realize my current location

the polished wooden chair
the television speakers
soda bottles and take out boxes

when I speak to the minds around me

hollow and bare,rubbing off on my pure neck
after they serve food from a steaming microwave

when the meadow washes into a dry desert
vast,ironically cold and plane


I am scared to death,

when cowboy boots and hippie head bands
infect into designer pumps and prada hand bags
long brunette curls and bare feet in the country sand
bleed into shallow audiences,red carpet events and critical hairstyling men




I am scared to death,

when I realize the supposed facts that high pedestaled philosophers speak
as they burn into horseshit next to the masculine palomino sucking grain

when people say to live in the now,
but you tell me tomorrow is worth the embrace
and I cry to you that I cannot wait

when people say theres a god,and all he left us is a rule filled diary
or when churches are torn down so that fashion malls and runways can be made

I am scared to death,

when elegant violin screeches and screams, dwindle into raw rap slang
and ghetto beats

when Renaissance dragons of sparkling scales,
blood stained claws
and drooling fangs
become stepfathers


I am scared to death,
when playing on the couch with our casual cat
is soon followed by picking up our rifle and hunting hat

when tea is replaced with alcohol
and when promises are broken

I am scared to death

of actuality.
of non believers.
of technicalities.

I am scared to death of finding fairy bones
or unicorn spines that have decomposed
deep into the forest of mine,

and discovering there was never actually any of their kind.



When the weed grows
and the pink petals drop

when we water the weed
and neglect the rose beauty


I am scared to death

of knowing that i can not unbutton your pants
but i could unzip an attached file that you email me over

i am scared to death of

realizing you are so far away
emotionally,
physically,

in your perfect physique.




i am scared to death

of


crushed dreams,
fear of fear of fear because of fear.
love,and when you hate love
life and alittle bit of death

and of technical difficulties
because therefor,we would no longer be able to speak.



I am scared to death


of loving you,
but even more scared of not loving you.

what are you scared of?

Ok,maybe just one.

Written on:Sunday, January 06, 2008

One poem. I found it,its pretty old. Titled:Little red.

Little red

such Beautiful Illusions drown with hours of sorrow
"don't throw it away"
I've been told I'm a talented artist,Lost in The thought of tomorrow
Undo this tragic lace,The hand of romance chokes me
pulling at me,slithering up my throat like a snake
i melt with the poison of heartache,it burns when i breathe
such precious images,I like to think one day you'll follow
"Such a pretty face,gone to waste"
I've been told that I'm gifted..as I'm sickened by the idea of a tomorrow
Another tattered doll,with stolen grace
as within suicide,she disintegrates
one more angelic touch,
lost her innocence through love
"Oh no,don't throw it all away"

Lets fill our world of fantasy
Theres so many pretty sights..
Different Images, float with diversity..
Beautiful things,Soak Up variety
These Dreamt Moments in my mind,Take my breath away..

we can stare up at Willow trees,
In Mild Winds,they like to sway
As if they dance in each warm breeze
as the season suffocates this floor with autumn Leaves
I want to stare into your eyes of blue
Grown fond,Fall infatuated.. I lose myself within you.
Ok,your turn.
Brick walls,and Gardens of roses
Climb this one,and seek what's beyond it
Take my hand,and we'll run together
or chase me ahead,and catch me,for yours forever
we can glide upon the Grass,Mellow at our feet
Running,will I fast.. Hair bouncing with quick pace
Now Here lies the cinnamon colored wheat maze
it comes up to my chest..does it come up to your legs?
Does your skin too,tatter?
Your bare arms vigorously brushing against each single spice tinted stick..
as you scratch with every soft strand of erect wheat..
If it hurts you,I'll kiss it gone..
No one,and nothing hurts my baby.
I'll blow into the wound,
No,I don't have a bottle of salt behind my back
just my soft lips,I'll fix you..
I promise.You can love me,
I'm one so trustworthy,
and trust is what you lack.
Running,I'm running..
My lace dress once was white
Now its gray and filthy
sometimes i run so fast,that i trip every now and then
but i get up,once i remember how you whispered you loved me
Sooner or later,I'll gain My fast Pace..
I'm alot stronger than you think.
Quick,don't lose me
faster,you'll lose me!
must keep me in your focus,
don't blur,or lose yourself in distraction
If i tumble,I'm to blame
but its another thing..
if you knock me down,
or push into me..
then don't expect me to let it go
don't expect to get away ,fault-free.
I may be small,
but i know how to crush you..
with beautiful words..
I will hurt you..
with sweet words..
I'll say i love you..
I may not be as strong as you,
but I know what I'm to do
whenever you're above me..
Whenever your mouth foams hungry
and I'm one,you're about to eat..
" I love you". Then you back away
shh,We can run past ponds,and running banks
Water full of elegant swans;
Over sticks,and stones we'll leap..can you catch me?
Watch this field,of evergreen
Morning dew on grass,soaks clean
Don't trip!Can you weigh out Me and your pain,equally?
Can you stay in love,as well as battling all you don't obtain?
Running,I'm running..
with a shredded dress,
and bruised,blackened knees
those rose thorns snagged my flesh
and my elbows,soil colored due to the touch of rugged leaves
Ive been kissed, by the sadistic wheat
Vindictive little grains
Fast,don't lose me.. hurry!
Quicker,Don't Lack speed..
Must keep your priority
don't confuse,complicate,or fade..
I don't want to disappear around the corner of a viney way
losing my way,
see my blood upon each strand,stained wheat.
Then I know you'll lay there,wondering ever more..
what happened to me?
I know what happened to me.
You happened to me.
Ahead of us,Is the tended forest
I'll beat you there,i know i will
you think you'll win with those clever words
But i heard your success will prevent with guilt
Little red,Little red..
and you can be My wolf
I don't want a Puppy,tied with a bow..
I want a wolf
Youre good at your occupation..
What you do for a living,suits you
killing me.. Day by day
do you enjoy murdering little girls?
Its ok,i forgive you
each night,I'll let you take a bite out of me
I don't care if i bleed
for you can stitch each wound,as you whisper you love me
Do I taste good to you?
this is what true love,tastes like..
virgin blood,and vicious..glistening teeth.
they said not to throw it away
said they'll be other boys to mend my sorrow
I knew a man once,I say
Held onto him,hoping one day he'd follow..
but with his ever Silent footsteps,
I grew sick of the thought of tomorrow..
I'm scared once it gets quiet,
All that i can hear is the blasting,ear piercing silence and
the slight wind whispering into my ears
the warm sun shining down on my neck,and shoulders
it colors me with life,and a glow,faintly orange
i can feel my hair float with the motion of the wind,
i can see the wheat softly fondle my skin..
i look behind me.. i cant see you..
have I lost you?I'm alone..and afraid..
turn around to wait for you..
Looking for you
anticipating your beautiful sight..
you have never looked so handsome.. in my mind..
I wish to feel you.. I close my eyes
I still wanted to run..
I wanted him to catch me,
and with that,Our world Is empty.

Vati.

Written on:Saturday, September 13, 2008

Vati.







"Vati"


pretty little girl
flushed cheeks and marble eyes of pink
whos hurt you?
tell me, come to me.
the crimson rose buds in your hair
blooming through the tangled web of raven locks
You wreak of unpleasant silence
Not so polite,are we?What have I taught you?
certainly not this.
yet the spiders kiss you,
you have a warm heart
but you're so cold
you look so lost in front of me,tired and warn out
like a battered rag doll
dragged throughout the back barn
wood chips and grass bits catch in your weedy hair
a stiff body dumped far off somewhere
But I don't mind,because Ive watched you grow
you know,you can act like yourself around me
come closer to me
tell me a story
why have you chosen to bleed?

pretty little girl
Cherry stained clothes and bruised knees
who's hurt you?
Wipe your weary eyes from any sorrow
who's kept you up all night?
who's crept upon you?


kiss the scalpel I hold,
fear not its ability to slit
I use this to cut through the straw thread sewn through your lips
meant to keep your voice closed
words I need to hear,Unspoken,hidden,hurt.
Tell me.Speak to me.
you're so lost now,in front of me
yet the spiders kiss you
you have a warm heart
but you're so cold
come to me,kiss me
I yearn for your taste of cotton candy
clash this with my sourness
I'll help you,I'm sorry.
it will all end soon.
just one more time,I vow to you.
unbutton,come closer,feel me.
let the ruffled lace of your bloomers
embrace me,child

I don't care anymore.


WRITTEN ON ON: SEPTEMBER 14,2008.


fuck,i'm redoing my life. I'm trying to reach out,into the "dangerous/scary" world beyond me. I was raised in such a fear oriented family,and household,where you werent allowed to take a walk down the street by yourself,because you'll get raped and murdered. Or you werent allowed to sleepover your best friends house,because their dadddies will molest you in your sleep. Ok. Yeah. Strange? Yet my family always would talk to me about the "good old days" and how when THEY Were children,the world was a better place.things were safer,more simple. They would talk about how they would walk like 15 blocks to school and back,everyday. How everyone in the neighborhood was so caring,and looked out for eeachothers children.or how strawberry taffy would only cost like a penny. and you know what i think ? no. Fuck that. Life is how you create it. Ok. Security and saftey is all a state of mind,its all in your head. My mom was raised up in bad neighborhoods in brooklyn,new york. She tells me horrible stories of the fights she had got into ,but she was still alive back then,and she wasnt operating on fear,she was living off of ambition and the endless struggle to actual live and not give up.then she moves,and lives here for about 10 years,raises me... and everything is so much more contained,and mellow.theres no culture,and its slow. people out here almost seem retarded compaired to "high strung new yorkers". So now what? she says she fears more than she has ever in her entire life.Why? because I guess she just acclimated to the slowness of here. She let it over come her and mold her,instead of HER taking the slowness as an advantage on HER part,and molding IT instead.

Thus,security and safety is just a fucking state of mind. if she felt safe and confident in an environment where girls used blades and ripped hoop earings out of each others ears for apparently "lookin at eachothers man",then why doesnt she feel safe and confident here,in a decent neighborhood,where everyone has cable television and ACs?!!!

So,I am angry because I have been raised to think that the world is a vile,dangerous place and we should be scared to death and piss our pants. Therefor,of course,however I was raised,has rubbed off on me,and effect me.I'm scared to do alot of things. I Dont know why,its part of my S.A. disorder. IS this a learned behavior or hereditary ? Panic disorder DOES run in my family,very heavily. My mother and grandma both suffer from it. but I think they take that disorder,focus on the negative out of it and then almost "pass it down" to all of the rest of us,by magnifying it,and truely believing that what they are all afraid of,actually exists or will come true! thus,it is pretty much partically a LEARNED BEHAVIOR on my part,as well!If they keep believing that,and focusing on it,they may just fucking jinx themselves,anyway.As I may quote, and the pussy cat dolls could not of been more correct: "be careful what you wish for,because you just might get it.Yeah,just might get it". HAHA ok Sorry,I had a moment of humor. ;p I just had to.

but its a true statement!

my point is,I have so many fucking dreams,and inspirations.
I set up alot of goals for myself.some people mock me,others support me. Thats natural. I love it. compliment me,and I'll adore you forever. your words will uplift me,more than you know. Or doubt me,take me for granted,and I'll just prove you wrong. You wont ever forget how you doubted me. I dont care of what people tell me. I've come to the point where I'm surrounded by whatever i'm surrounded by,and theres nothing I can do about it. I dont associate with assholes,but they actually have molded me into thinking in the beautiful mindset I now think with.

So, I'm not going to be afraid anymore. Its scary,but I'm going to start talking with a psychologist,and i'm just going to push myself. I cant wait to move the fuck out of here and start my own life. My life doesnt even BEGIN until the day I am far away from my insane family! I love them all to DEATH,especially my mother,whos probably the only sane person out of the lunatic bunch,but even she gets on my nervs sometimes. Not because we fight,because we hardly ever fight,but its more because..she reminds me of my childhood.she symbolizes me being held captive in this abusive lifestyle,I call "childhood". she just reminds me of a part of myself that I hate.the unhappy,scared,lost,aimless,self loathing/doubting part of me that comes out every now and then,when i'm stuck at home and the world seems dark in my eyes.

I just want to get the hell out of here. get a job,Finish school,go to college. Study psychology,get a vocal coach,publish a few books,and start designing my own clothes.

I'd be happy. i'd feel something,instead of this "nothing" that I wake up,to every day.
I'll take a fucking bus,taxi,or car,without fear of like.. Idk.getting murdered or rejected by the driver. I'll actually be social and do things without my grandma warning me of some creepy,overreacted,full blown psychotic consequence.
We may not be able to control every single fucking situation in our lives,like shopping taxes,gas prices, how long we wait in line at the supermarket,of if our childhood is abusive or not,but happiness,security and safety are ALL states of minds.its all mental.emotional.psychological. we can be hopeful,get alot of help,(professional as well as talking to friends or people who support us) and then we can just fly away,and create our beautiful lifes. thats what I look at it.thats what I am going to do.

I dont care.tell me i'll make it,or tell me i'll fail.
doubt me,or believe in me.I dont care. youre here,i'm here,we'll all alive,and we'll all die. Life is what it is,and I'm going to twist the rules and neglect whatever negative energy stands in my way,because I just want to actually do something wonderful in life. Peace :D <3

RANT ON SELF THOUGHTS. THE MESS IN MY HEAD.


WRITTEN ON: SEPTEMBER 13,2008.

Ive been Learning so much about life,lately. Who would of known there lies a lesson in gazing out your car window,staring upon the traffic ahead. Its everywhere,all around us. These whisperings,of truth and knowledge. If only we paid more attention. Its like the world is talking to us,but most of us are deaf. Maybe If we took in all of these speakings,and hid them away in a treasure chest,and left it alone..over a few years,we could open it back up and finally find we have seeked the true meaning of life.The meaning of everything. When I say the true meaning of life,I dont mean the general,overall,complete reason We are breathing. I mean.. The reason you cried last week. The reason your boyfriend cheated on you. The reason you and your friend laughed so hard that you almost puked. The reason you chose cheetos over doritos. haha. Ok,I know those examples are all horrible,but hopefully at least some of you will understand a bit of where I'm comming from.

Some thoughts are meant to be kept to ourselves. I know this. Its not a shock. Theres so much,just swimming inside of me. but way too personal for this internet to know of. If I unleashed it,I imagine my computer monitor and modem immediately blowing up into tiny bits.

The sad,pathetic,pitiful,whatever you want to call it,fact.. Is that I Want to share it with someone. I do. I Do. A girl,or a boy. I dont care. A friend,or a lover.I dont care. I dont want completion. I dont want security. I just want some sort of connection .Some truth.Some beauty. some bliss.

I feel like everyone is just shallow and brainless lately. I Dont know. this isnt me being judgmental,This is just me being lonely,and desperate.ha. I'm searching for some sort of "to die for" friendship,but I'm not finding anything. So of course i'm going to get a bit agressive,after countless times of disapointment. I feel like everyone is emotionless,and even if they say they understand..they just..dont..understand. and I 'm scared.because I want someone to understand.

The best example,would be..

When you watch a movie,you know how "deep" it feels? You know how much it touches you? You know how you fall into its story? you can feel it.It makes you want to laugh,or cry. It makes you afraid,or aroused. It has such an impact and effect on you,yes? Why?

well one, I guess Its because of its exposed humanity.
Humans are very emotional. Very "needy".
We are very dramatic,and we feel alot.

Then again,i Dont know about YOU,but If i was watching a movie with a dog,and he got slaughtered,I probably would start balling out into tears ha. Which has nothing to do with the death or dramatization of humanity,thus,humanity is a defeated purpose/iirrelevant subject here.

Then you think of music.

Amazing,breathtaking,captiviating. RELATABLE.
Music can make you laugh or cry. Music can make you feel scared. Music can make you feel alone,or alive. It has such an impact and effect on you.

When you listen to music..You lose yourself in it. Everything about it. You lose yourself in the melody. The sound. You lose yourself in the voice that is singing. You lose yourself in the lyrics,the words that are being sung. You even lose yourself in the visual image of the singer,singing. The clothes they are wearing. The landscape they stand upon. The emotion in their face..everything.

We lose ourselves in this. But "this" is..simply..emotion.A sensation.

Its so emotional. Its so needy. its so dramatic,with so much feeling.
We consider other peoples music to be magic,but the word "magic" should be replaced with "emotion" or "sensation."

Sometimes certain songs are so sad and depressing,that its addictive and ATTRACTIVE. I could probably name a million artists/songs right now that sing about sad things,and it just makes me want to make out with them because of it.ha.

because they sing about emotions.. fragility. sensitivity. humanity.

When guys sing about how sad they are because of how their "girlfriends" left them,or cheated on them.. It makes me want to kiss them. because They seem very compassionate,and caring.

When girls sing about how empty they are because of how cruel the world seems,it makes me want to lay in bed with them. because they seem very lost,yet so human.

And when I talk about kissing or laying with these people,its not sexual. Sex doesnt come to mind. compassion,and adoration does.
I truely believe you could kiss another human being on the lips without if being sexual.without feeling any sexual attraction for them,or any desire to "fuck" them.


I get this way,so excited and intense because of the "sad songs,"not because of my own selfishness to see others suffer. but it is what it is.Take it how you want to take it.Percieve this,in the way which you want to percieve.

My point is.

from movies-to music.
expression.
beauty.
art.
passion.
creation.

what do these all wreak?
drama.emotion.
even if the songs arent sad or fucking about killing yourselves,or feeling empty..
theres still..emotions.

we're all made up of emotions,feelings,thoughts,reactions.

but lately,all the people in the world..seem to feel the oposite of those compassionate guys singing or those empty,broken girls singing.

The people ive talked to lately,the ones i'm around,they feel ..I dont know.

non human,in a way. I dont know where i'm going with this.theres just no spark.no compassion. do they even give a fuck about me?do they want to give a fuck about me? in movies,you always see a guy chasing after some girl. Who wants to chase after me ? no one. I feel off to the side, hiding in some cave. ha. or maybe i'm not hiding,maybe i'm just napping. maybe i'm just tired of everything.

This isnt about a guy. Its about human connection. I feel disconnected,and far away from everyone. I feel like i'm the only one who gives a fuck and wants to love. I know this isnt true,and others feel this way as well,but I'm just being honest. deep down,i know otherwise.but inside.. I feel this way.despite if its "Accurate logic" or not.

thats what I fucking love about emotions.oh god.
the fact that they sometimes seem irrational and UN LOGICAL!
thats what makes them so beautiful.
like a pyschodellic rollercoaster,an explosion.
so crazy. so out there.
so full blown.
so unpredictable.so personal.
so "asigned specifically,and individually,differently,and significantly to each and every one person"
we all have our different,little emotions.
even if i'm sad.and someone else says they are sad as well.
we will NEVER feel the same saddness.
even if we are both crying because of the same reason!
thats what makes emotions so amazing
even when you tell someone you "understand" you ..really,cant.
you cant really ever experience or endure the war raging on within someone else.

you can RELATE to an EXTENT,and you can even assume,using LOGIC..but you could never really fully comprehend the emotion,in other human emotions or human emotion,in general. :)

its what makes it so risky,so scary,so intense. so deep. so EXTREME.

I guess another reason why people can "understand" human behavior so easily,is not because they have a special way with diagnosing others feelings,or because they are gifted at psychology,but because.. humans.. give off scent.we basically give out the answers to others,without knowing it.without THEM even knowing it!we give it away.we expose flickered pictures,personal images,and internal movment. meaning. every now and then,we express certain things.we just come clean.even when we dont know we are.
we are so complex,and complicated. but sometimes even the most repressed,stubborn,ignorant,difficult,nonexpressive,-"I dont ever show my feelings"- type of person,will show their feelings. not intentionally.not NON intentionally.it just happens..whether it be through a spoken word,a non spoken word,or a physical movement,or non physical movement.

We can see glimpses of them.we can see through their soul,when people..express to us.
THATS how we start to tell them.. "oh i understand".and we start to tell them "i know how you feel,you dont have to say anything.i know what youre thinking,without you having to say your thoughts outloud" and then we start to take the credit. thinking.. "oh i am just so fucking connected with this person,i must have a way with mind reading,or maybe i just really am deeply in love with them,to a point where I know them SOO Well that i know their everythought and intention".

nope.
its not that.
its because of THEIR expression,that WE caught at the corner of our eyes.

ITs almost like we all have been watching eachother.researching eachother,analyzing eachother.like we are all eachothers science projects.
we take down notes of their every behavior,like scientists.

Emotions may not be full of ethical thoughts,moral actions,or logical ambition.

but..thats what makes them amazing.

People are hypocritical.
if emotions have no logic,
nor does the fact that youre attracted to someone underage.
or nor is the fact that you think about having sex,while you sit at mass in church.
nor is the fact that you drink,and do drugs.
nor is the fact that you forgot to pay for that laundry soap thats at the bottom of your supermarker cart.
nor is the fact that you ran that red light.

these things seem unethical,to our society.
or at least to mine.

but you dont see any of us having a fit because of it.
so whats so wrong about the chaos of human emotions?
emotions arent meant for us to bury,neglect,and forget about.
they are here for us to endure,and feel.to take on.
like little adventures,in our heads.
we are all asigned to a dangerous,life threatening mission of feeling an emotion of sorrow or happiness.will you choose to take this mission,or will you run from it?
emotions arent meant for us to mock,or take for granted.
emotions are not meant to shun,turn our backs on them,or make fun of.
our emotions and the emotions of others,arent meant to for us to ASSUME or guess.sometimes i feel like the emotions of others arent even meant for us to figure out.because their emotions,are their own beautiful possession and they are millions of tiny wrapped precious gifts for them. if we try to deciper and disect the mind of others (which we can try and try until we are blue in the face and the lions lay down with the lambs,but we will NEVER get" far",because we wont ever fully know of eachother,because cant ever even fully understand ourselves.so many layers of the human brain,we wouldnt ever be able to get to its root or complete meaning or another person,by just looking at them,externally.by just staring into their eyes and guessing of whats going on,on the inside. no.yet we wont even understand what goes on ,on the inside,if we lay them on a table and cut open their heads!)

my emotions are mine.
her emotions are hers.
his emotions are his.
by trying to figure some one out,label them,judge them,or TELL THEM WHO THEY ARE and TELL THEM HOW THEY FEEL,we are almost stealing their little tiny wrapped presents and falsely giving them logic,the logic WE came up with.the misunderstanding.the lies.

go on and tell me i'm overreacting.tell me its "not like that"or thats not your intention.but deep down,underneath the layers of your explaination.thats how it is.thats how it seems. i just express it through certain words.but no matter what metaphor you use,its still the same situation.


I love emotions.abstract colors,neon fluff. squiggles,bright yellow oozing,purple ambiant dividers,warping patterns,checkers,rainbow,black,gray.nothing.a blank white screen.

emotions.so unpredictable.

i want to connect with someone full of them.but why does everyone seem so numb,lately?

Ive fallen in love with something Depth resistant.

Written on:Friday, February 01, 2008


I hate you.

You say you love me..

but Its not enough.

words mean nothing.

fall.

I want you to fall

so deeply for me

Deeper than i have for you.

nothing is enough

Nothing is real anymore..

I know you don't love me..

I know you don't want me..

I have never heard you speak softly

I have never heard sweet words before

i cant even imagine them

slipping from your mouth

comming from your own voice

its unreal

is that even possible?

i'm not sure..

Give into my weak hand

feed from my faith

can we try this my way?

Please?

Sometimes I want to give up

fuck you hard,but then leave you alone,in the morning

walking away from all Ive ever dreamt of

all Ive ever planned for us..

You ruined This.

you couldnt Fix this..

It never had a chance,dont lie

It couldnt ever stand a chance against you

you,with your unbreakable ways..

I quiver at the thought of your surrendor..

but if you dare to speak back to me,

I overwhelm with hate..

i cant control this,

you fill me with rage

sometimes i fantasize about breaking you

hurting you

making you cry

Perhaps Just so i can comfort you afterwards..

and fill you with the relief you've never filled me with.

Catching Pain from your eyes,

i'd swallow it all..despite how poisonous the burn..

you can trust me.

so fall.

fall for me..

deeply

deeper than i have fallen for you

deep.

Self Lesson

Monday, December 24, 2007


If he doesn't want you;Find acceptance.

If he doesn't want to talk to you,don't force it.

If he tries to end this,don't attempt to make it begin.

If he won't walk to you,don't chase after him.

If he doesn't leave his door unlocked,don't try breaking your way in.

dreams.

Written on:Sunday, March 09, 2008

MY DREAMS.

i write down a few of my amazing dreams,so i can read them and think back at the sensation they gave me.

so, I had a crazy dream a few days ago.

I can hardly remember it now..

But I woke up in the middle of the night,right after I had it..and was tempted to start writing a short story about it.thats how great it was hahaha

well,it was a little sick,scary,sad,and painful.

But there was alot of action,and it was quite intriguing;if i do say so myself.( and i was the one who dreamt it.) ;)

It all started out with me,my mom,and 12 yr old brother.

I was at her house for the weekend.

to make a long dream short,it went from..looking at puppies in some puppy shop,to going home.. and me having to murder my stepdad,because he was going to kill my mom.

AHAHA.

it was sick

I grabbed a kitchen knife,and just started thrusting it into his skin.

Its like,i could feel it go inside of his flesh and it was alittle hard to pull out,because it went so goddamn deep.

all i remember,was sweat,blood,and rage.

then afterwards,I was sorta in shock.my mom sat down on the bed,and cuffed her head in her hands.

I blankly stared at the still air before me..

then i called My grandma and told her to call the police.

( i have no idea why i didnt just call the police,myself.)

Afterwards.. I remember frantically walking back and forth in my moms house,waiting for the police to arrive.

I had this very eerie feeling..as if it wasnt over. as if my stepdad still wasnt dead. I was spooked.

It was the same eerie feeling that you sometimes get,while watching a horror movie.when the guy/girl kills the crazy murderer,but then leaves his or her weapon at the scene,and walks away..moments later,the murderer is back on their feet,holding the SAME weapon they were just stabbed/shot with and they go after the victim, a second time.

;] its horror movie rules.haha

anyways

Thats how i felt

i remember repetitously saying "its not over"

and then i heard voices outside my front door

I came alittle closer,to hear it more clear

voices of men

I suspected alot of them

i didnt know who they were

or why they were there

all i knew,was it was troublee O_O

I knew they werent there to have a damn tea party with me.

haha

The guys turned out to be an evil clan of hit men,sent to kill my family.

I assumed My stepdad put them up to it.

but perhaps he couldnt wait for their arrival,so he decided to go after my mom,earlier that night...

(until i was like "HELL NO." and brought out the friggin Knife.)

he was probably impatient. haha

THATS WHAT HE GETS!

anyways.

back to the dream:

So,I quickly told my mom i heard voices out side of the door.

She came to look/hear for herself.

Then they violently twisted the knob,as if they were trying to break in.

She told me to take the kids and go upstairs..

I took my other little sister and brother (my sister is 7,my brother is like 4 or 5 haha)

and i started to walk them upstairs

when all of the sudden,i got another eerie slap of instinct.

as i was walking up the stairs,I noticed through the window of the upstairs loft,a ladder was pulled down and I could hear the men shouting.they wanted to try comming in the upstairs,as well.

I quickly brought the kids downstairs,and told my mom that they were trying to come upstairs.

she told me to go back up anyways,and run past the loft as fast as i could,into the masterbedroom. There,she wanted me to lock the door and hide somewhere.

(i have no idea why she said that.it was stupid.because if these were hired,trained,professsional killers..they would FIND us all. haha I know my mom wouldnt tell me that in real life,but my dreams make no fucking sense.)

( mind you, my 12 yr old brother is STILL downstairs,with my mom and other siblings.HAHAHA see. made NO sense)

but yeah

so I listend to her..and started to walk upstairs.

As i got to the top of the stairs,i was stunned.

I stared at the window in the loft,which was ahead of me.

the same one i glanced at not even two minutes ago.

this time,the window was wide open,and the satin curtain which covered it,blew wildly in the mellow breeze,which came from outside.

I knew they were in the house,i was just to damn scared to move.

I couldnt tell where they were hiding or which way they would come from.

finally,the door to the masterbedroom swung open,and a few guys came out with guns.I ran downstairs with the kids..

by that time,MORE guys had gotten in the front door.

I spotted my mother in our living room.she was crying over one of my dead siblings.her hands were full of blood..

I couldnt think..i couldnt speak.I couldnt cry,i couldnt even scream.my heart was beating to fast.. my pulse was racing.it was the biggest rush ever. I was almost downstairs,when some guy came in last,from the front door.He slowly closed it behind him,. I could tell he was possibly in charge,from the way he acted..the way he looked.the way he walked.the way he sighed.the way he breathed.the way he stared at me. No fear. No emotion. No guilt.nothing.he was robotic,to me.

He stopped right in front of me,and calmly shot my little brother in the head!

it was horrifying. I screamed,but he just fell to the floor.

then i grabbed my little sister and put her behind me,

the man walked up to me,and grabbed me by my throat,he choked me really tight,to the point where I felt as if i’d faint and I grew dizzy.

I remember my vision blurring,and the dream being very hard to comprehend or focus on.

once i was weak,he pulled my crying little sister from behind me,threw her down the stairs,and then shot her twice in the back.

I also heard my mom screaming from the kitchen.

a few gun shots followed..

i assumed she was dead.

The man grabbed me and told me he was going to take me away.

I shook my head,i couldnt understand

iwas to busy waiting for him to shoot me

for there was no escape!

i was cornered,and he was three times my size.

He put a gun to my head,and told me to go with him..

then all the men walked out of my house,in different vans.

he threw me in one of them

i dont remember what happend next,all i remember was i woke up at a beach..it was dark..

i started walking on the shore..

my feet in the sand.

my dress ripped,

blood down my legs..

I dont know what happend..

everything before that,felt black and unknown to my eyes.

I kept walking in front of me

until stores appeared on my left

little beach shops,and expensive resturants

alot of people were eating outside,at tables

elegant music played

some couples danced

there were neon lights dangling from the roof of the resturant

and wrapped all around palm trees that surrounded it

infront of the resturant (and on the sand,which lay behind the oceans water)

was a small brick wall

a bunch of people sat around it

men

I didnt know who they were,until i came closer

and it became alot more clear.

one of them was the guy who threw me in the van

i also recognized a few more of those guys

he was sitting on the wall

vodka in his hand

he had his arm wrapped around some girl,who unwillingly sat next to him

He swayed back and forth,and drunkly sang off key to a song

the girl turned her head everytime he sang in her face.

i assumed because his breath smelt of alcohol

as i got closer,i could smell it myself

i sat next to him

he didnt notice me at first,

until another man fled to me and grabbed me by my wrists,

i whined.

he didnt let me go

he squeezed them tight

and almost pinned me down completely back against the cold ground behind me

he lifted my dress,and forced himself between my legs

he was about to force himself inside me completely,when the man next to me,stopped him.

"wait wait wait!"he exclaimed.

"wait."

he added.

he lifted me back up,and put his finger under my chin,lifting my face.. only to notice the fear in my eyes,and black eyeliner down my cheeks.

’i know you.. I do."

He whispered.

"youre familiar."

"are you an ex of mine?what do you want?are you here to nag me to death?is that it?tell me how I fucked us up,completely?"

my eyes widened,i didnt know what to say..

until i realized,he was to drunk to even recognize me.

he pushed the man between my legs away

"fuck this..you fucking.."

the man mumbled.

he was disapointed,and angry.

he zipped up his pants and walked away,

still whispering curse words under his breath

the man beside me,looked at me..

waiting for my response.

"ugh.. no.. i’m not an ex of yours.. i’m,a friend"

i shyly answered.my voice quivered and shaked with nervs.

He took a minute,and then said something like "oh..really?i like friends.Friends are nice."he smiled,and pulled me on his lap.

I smiled,fakely

and accepted his touch,uncomfortably.

I felt so scared,alone,and unsafe

I didnt know how to get out of there

I dont even know why i went towards him in the first place

i was so anrgy at first,but i just became afraid..the more iwas near him.

i was looking for some security

when i stared at the girl who was sitting at the other side of him

she stared back at me

i didnt take my eyes off of her

it stunned me to realize,her eyes were as hollow as mine were..

to be continued.

when im not lazy

___________________________________

I’m talking to friend
in some deep conversation where the subject isn’t deep at all
a friend I knew once,in school
someone I have never talked to in my life,
but I’d see in halls..
or he’d sometimes say hi

I then see him walk in
another person.
someone I know
someone I love and adore
see him talking to someone
I suspect something bad
he doesn’t see me
to caught up in his conversation
i analyze his every hand motion..
mellow..
but still his movement is hardly lifeless.
i forgot who he was talking to
i cant remember if it was a man or a woman

if it was a woman,she wasn’t threatening..
because if she was..i clearly would of remembered her.
i felt comfortable knowing of their conversation.
he looks like he is about to receive something.
something he shouldn’t.
is it a bad substance?
that was the only threatening part about this all..
I’m frantic
there’s chaos
my mind corrupts with worry
i panic
I dont know what to do
is it my job to prevent this?
do i have to endlessly watch over him,like a watch dog?
like a lover?
do i have to inspect his every footstep...
checking over them,with a magnify glass
making sure it doesn’t lead to his destruction?
i am not sure
i cant hear what he is saying to this person
because he is on the other side of the room
i can only see his lips move,
but cant make out the words
he is in front of two big wooden doors
the more i focus on these doors,
the more they look like doors of a hotel
the lighting becomes friendly and warm

the boy i was talking to,notices my detached attention
he sees that i am no longer listening to whatever subject he was once rambling about
he calls my name..
but i cant hear him. .
to busy worrying about the man I’m staring at,and what he is about to do..
i see him.. he nods his head and smiles,warmly at the person.
the person he is talking to,nods there head too..
he looks around one final time,scamming the room,to see if anyone sees him..
but oddly,he didnt spot me.
then him and his "friend" walk out of these doors..
they look like they are up to something.
they look..sneaky,almost.
i finally hear my name being called,by the boy i was talking to..
i flinch,and ask "what?"
he asks if i was ok..
i said i was fine,but i had to do something really important.
" don’t follow me. ill be back" I add.
he says ok.. in a skeptical tone of voice that three periods would trail off after wards,in his sentence..
i quickly start to walk towards the two wooden doors
the two that he walked out of,only seconds ago.
but suddenly,people are in front of me..
passing by
crossing the room
but why now?
why at this sudden time,when I just so happen to make my way?
they seem like obstacles
all of them are calm,and don’t make any eye contact with me
but it seems like their movement was almost in spite,and intentional
i try to keep calm myself.
i finally make my way to the doors
i gently push them open
The outside of these doors are just like my assumption
very ordinary
a parking lot was ahead.
just like it would be in any hotel..
but this parking lot seemed to be one of a supermarket,almost instead of the parking lot of a hotel.
and past this parking lot,was familiar stores,and other supermarkets..
video stores,and fast food places..
A place I have never been,but i seem to know..
something familiar.
something i invent,with my knowledge and memory of the places i have been before.
this environment soothes me in a way..
i see him so far ahead of me
he isn’t running nor walking fast..
but he is not walking slow
somehow,he seems to get away from me quickly..
i walk faster.. praying that he doesn’t look back to see me
i wonder what he would think..
he must think i’m silly for following him..
for stalking,him..even..
i just want to make sure he is ok and that he isnt up to anything ridiculous
his black coat,sways in the wind
i notice its rich,raven color
it looks cold,
but the air doesnt feel cold
i dont take my eyes off the tip of the material,faintly flying in the wind he makes,as he walks foward
my mary janes tatter on the blacktop
hard pavement;
clacking sounds..
only because of my sudden quickened pace..
i see him turn around.
oh god no.
where should i go?
theres no where to go!
i cant hide!
I feel embarrassed and ashamed for ever trying to help him
i also feel selfish for sticking my nose in his personal business..
maybe he wasnt doing anything wrong at all.
he sees me..
our eyes meet..
his eyebrows raise,and he smirks alittle,sarcastically..
not in a friendly way.. yet not in an angry manner.
he turns to his friend,and puts his hand out, almost to say "stop" or "stay here"
or "i’ll be right back"
i quickly swish around..
and walk fastly back towards the two doors
i dont look behind me..
i can tell he is following me,because i can hear his footsteps too
getting quicker
faster towards me
i feel my face turn red
strictly staring ahead of me,and at some moments.. i glanced at the ground
the air is cool
it wasnt a windy day,
but i’m practically running..
so a few breezes sneak within my coat,just like they did with his..
lifting it at the sides,
i dont go into the hotel,
instead.. i go onto the side of this "hotel"
which now becomes a building of some sort
and this building,i pass
onto a patch of grass
a fairly large amount of grass,at that
there is a tree,and a big sign planted in this grass
i didnt take the time to read it
but i suppose it was a sign with the name of a super market on it
around this grass,is where cars turn in to find parking..
ahead of this grass,is a street
with busy traffic and cars turning in all directions,waiting on lights
again,this all looks familiar
i turn around once more,and hes there..following me,now
i dont know if i should laugh,or cry..
i run faster,behind this large sign..
but i know he caught a glimpse of my red coat..he knows where i am
so theres no point in hiding
i come out from the sign
hes closer to me,now
but i speed up ahead,so he cant touch me
i wont look him in the face
i avoid staring into his beauitful eyes
i just keep myself busy,and i walk ahead of me

i make it to the end of the grass
my feet didnt stop just at the end of the sidewalk,
they are touching the street
fell past this sidewalk
but i quickly jump back,because of the cars racing ahead of me
i look either stupid,or suicidal
but now i’m safely placed onto the sidewalk again
so i suppose i now seem "normal".
i turn around,and hes catching up to me
soon he will be here,on this same sidewalk..
what will he say?
im embarrassed,and afraid
my heart starts to race
my hands clench,and sweat
my throat tightens
my pulse quickens
i have always been a very nervous girl
afraid of rejection.
afraid of so many things..
i have a weak stomach
that twists with butterflies
suddenly, i see another man ahead of me..
he just crossed the cross walk
and is now coming towards me..
reaching this sidewalk
perhaps he wants to shop at the supermarket.
he has a dog with him
this dog is on no leash
i forgot its breed
it wasn’t a big dog,yet it wasn’t tiny
just a medium sized dog,which was no threat to me as well
and didn’t frighten me
this man looks friendly at first,
and seems of no harm
a man in early 40’s it seems
but as he gets closer..
i see his face a lot more clear
with dirt smeared allover it
he seems homeless,like he hasn’t bathed in days..
he looks aggressive and restless
the rings under his eyes,speak to me..
confessing how he hasnt slept in days.
i notice,him taking out a knife from his pocket..
a kitchen knife
the sun catches it,and it shines
i shake my head no,and panic..
i start to walk back..
once i notice he is staring right at me..
and he intends on hurting me with it
he gives me this horrid stare..
not talking his eyes off of mine
his eyes are black..
they are cold,and hollow
he feels so..evil
his presence overpowers any joy i once had.
crushing my comfort
and leaving me with fear and despair.

i turn around to the one i love,
and run to him now,instead of ever running from him..
i call out his name and cry
and he walks faster towards me..
hes getting closer..
and closer,when i feel the man with the knife,grab me by my wrist..
i try to get away..
but hes got me in such a strong hold..
he takes this knife and slits above my knee
its deep,and theres blood everywhere
i endured a painful tear
i felt the burn within
now he throws me back on the grass
perhaps to rot with this wound in my leg..
and i cry in pain,grabbing my knee
the one i love comes,and kneels down beside me..
wrapping his arms,briefly around me..
calmly comforting me
wiping my tears gone,and telling me he will take a look at the cut in a minute..
he stands to his feet,and pulls out a gun..
only to shoot the man with the knife; in the face.
he doesn’t even say a word..
they just faintly meet each others eyes,
and then its as if i could hear him pull the trigger,
as the bullet flies.
the mans dog whines
and i can hear the sound of the mans slaughtered flesh hit the fragments of the grass
all went "splash",almost
his face turns to mush
made of chunks,and blood
did he blow his head off?
is his face unrecognizable?
i wouldn’t know.
i don’t look,because its to frightening..
but my ears can tell it all..
my ears start to burn with the following silence..
i can tell he is staring down at what he had just done,calmly..
without the slightest of guilt
and not an ounce of regret
how can he keep so collected?
i would of fallen apart if i had just taken someones life..
i would of succumbed to hysterics,
but he seems so strong about this all..
then i feel his eyes on me
i dont know what to expect
am i silly for still wondering if he will yell at me for following him?
My lover puts the gun in his jacket,
and then picks me up
carrying me somewhere safe
i wrap my arms around his neck,
resting my head on his shoulders..
i close my eyes,
squeezing them tightly shut
i smell the warm scent of his cologne..
i feel safe,
as my tears dry
i begin to wonder why i ever cried..
an hour later,and
I dont know where we are,
but we are in a bedroom of some sort
it doesnt look like a childs room
not a boys,or a girls
for if it was a girls..
i know it would be smothered in pink,makeup,dolls,dollhouses,and feminine playsets
and if it was a boys,it would be covered in action figures,video game posters,cars,and toy race car centers.
this room looked more mature,and plain
normal,in colors
but for some reason,this room felt like it was mine..
im sitting on the carpet
staring down at my leg,which is now covered with a bandage
then i feel him sit beside me
his warm hands,rubbing my shoulder
and i grow weak
i feel my face become warm
i hope i’m not blushing
i dont want him to see
we start to talk about alot of things
i cant recall the specific subjects,
but all varied
all were happy and flirtatious
i felt more comfortable than i had ever,with him
the world felt so happy,when he was sitting beside me
i felt like i could tell him everything,
i felt like i have known him forever
i could get lost in his eyes,
his beautiful eyes..
and i die alittle inside,everytime i see him smile..
i die,in a good way though
a way so hard to explain
he overwhelms me with his looks,and physical appearance

i lay down, on my back..
he does the same
we stare up at his cieling
and continue to talk about things
simple things
that seem so divine,when talking about them with him..
then he makes me laugh
i cant stop
i sit up a bit,and then rest back down on the palm of my hand
proped up by my elbow
i stare down at him and smile
he does too,
but then his face slowly drops,and he bites his lip
his eyes sort of shimmered alittle
he sits up abit too,and kisses me..
our lips lock and i feel his wet tongue slide into my mouth
i want to moan,but i cant..
it feels good.. it feels right..
ive been waiting to feel this for so long
i dont know if i should smile,or cry
that is how long ive wanted this
i dont know how to kiss
i can sense he feels my embarrassment
i know he knows i’m unsure of myself
and on what to do
for the movement of his tongue intimidates me..
overpowers mine
his lips seem so experienced,
and yet.. mine just sorta stand still and naive.
i try to move along with his motion,
kissing back..
but his just keep getting harder
and more forceful,so i try to keep up
try to remind him im just as passionate about him
my instinct is natural,yet my nervs cause it to feel blank.
i start to back away alittle
i know he feels it,
so he quickly presses the back of my head forward,into him..
as if he is telling me he isnt done..
my heart patters and palpitates
its racing through my chest
its skipping so many beats
i’m growing warm and very dizzy,in a soothing way
i dont mind this weak sensation
i dont care if im vulnerable
at this moment,i know he will take care of me
and he wont use the power he has over me,against me..
then i finally pull away from his lips,
to breathe,almost
and i look into his eyes
i want to laugh,but i dont want to laugh,
i want to smile,but i dont want to smile
i want to cry, but i dont want to cry..
i just sit there,looking into him..and hes looking back at me..
i can feel my lips tingle,and i can still taste him
my tongue pulsates for his
he smiles a bit,and asks if i liked it
i moan alittle,because i cant seem to speak properly,and i told him i loved it..
my nervs are shot
my patience,are gone
im so eager for him
i feel hot,yet cold at the same time
calm,yet rushed
i want to feel him more than anything
and then he rolls over ontop of me,
gently pressing me onto my back..
i lie there
hes ontop of me now
i feel his strength over power me
hes so much stronger than me
and i get scared at the thought of the physical harm that could be done to me
but i trust him,so i calm
i know he wouldnt ever hurt me like that..
i want to moan again,because i can feel him rub against me
we have never been this close before
his hands grope my sore chest
he squeezes my small breasts,
i tell him i like it
i begin to quiver with the way his hands run over my skin
im scared,but there is no time for fear
i cant think about anything but him,
and i cant concentrate on anything but the way he is looking at me
i see filth in his eyes
i can tell he lusts for me
just like i lust for him
but behind this heating lust,is not only desire for physical affection
but also,love
i know he loves me as much as i love him
and this causes me to relax more,and become less tense

he starts to unbutton my top
i feel alittle scared,but i then lose myself in his eyes and forget about that fear
i dont know what i was thinking..
but my hands start to wander below..
between his legs,and i’m touching the bulge in his pants
he smiles a bit,and leans in,then kisses me on the side of my face
his kisses are so warm and comforting
i can tell he thought i was cute for doing that
or silly,almost.
he notices i’m frantic,and tunes his attention onto his pants
he unzips them,and pulls them down a bit..then he suddenly puts his body weight on me..
pinning me into the hard ground
he breathes on my neck,and bites me..
teasing me,he whispers,"relax..."
he knows i’m excited,but he plays with my patience
i know he seeks pleasure out of my every squirm and whine
i feel weak and dizzy
everything behind him is a blur,
hes the only one i can see
my vision shifts every now and then
all i see,is desire
all i see is despair
his hands pull off my underwear
and his lips quickly meet mine
theres that tongue,again..
i’m getting used to it
even though this is only the 2nd time of kissing him,
it feels good
it feels familiar
i can do this everyday,
every minute..
forever!
he quickly shoves himself inside of me,and i gasp..even through his intentional kisses
that first thrust hurts the most
but it feels good as well
he is clever..
his tongue mutes my scream..
moments pass
and i wake upon a pillow that is on the floor
im weak,but relaxed
everything feels good
i feel warm between my legs,
but i start to throb and ache down there
i dont remember what happened
i must of dozed off into a deep sleep afterwards
he had placed a blanket over me,
maybe he wanted me to stay warm
would it bother him if i was ever cold?
he is sweet..
and i start to smile
i look down and my top is still unbuttoned
my firm chest,poking out from within
im completely exposed,but i dont mind
the sight of my naked body,reminds me of how he was so deep inside of me..
i start to get warm again,and i tingle between my legs
i should stop thinking about this now,before i excite myself
i get on my knees and button up my shirt
looking around the room for him,but he isnt here

to be continued.
when i think long and hard about the rest of what happend.