Saturday, January 10, 2009

Ophelia and The abusive.

Written on:Sunday, June 01, 2008

Current mood: numb

I had a dream about you.
A fine line between fear and pleasure
a clash between frustration and desire
I love you,I fear you.
I need you,I hate you

come closer,Walk away
Leave me alone,Stay still.
Dont look at me,nevermind..You better fucking stay.
I cant live without you

do you see this heart of mine?it needs to love you.
do you see the skin of me?it needs to touch you

but everytime i tried to talk to you,you ignored me.
from the other side of the bed,in your night clothes
I turn around,and watch you..
smoke from your cigarette,creating art in the air
clouding the room..
polluting what was once fresh and safe to inhale
you make blank circles,i wish they were heart shapes instead.

I crawl towards you,wrapping my arms around your shoulders
kissing your neck
feeling your warmth
i taste your flesh,
I can smell how numb you've become,
you dont need to say a single word.

I wanted you,every inch of you,
every piece of you
youre a bulk of everything ive ever wanted.
I need you,
deep inside me,all around me
within me,you made me.
You are still here,beside me.

I started running my hand slowly up and down your white tanktop,
feeling the strength underneath these clothes of yours,
then your paitence pulstates
you twitch and flinch,
pulling away from me..and I dont fucking understand this,darling.

you put out your cigarette,threw my arms off of you,and stood up infront of me.

Everytime I went near you,You pushed me away.
Everytime I tried to touch you,you slammed me away,

It hurt.
you threw me into walls,
Onto counters.
Into dresser drawers.
Onto bed mattresses

but I didnt stop.
I still wanted you.

You threw things all around
breaking glass,and smashing lamps
you cried and yelled and slammed your own fists into the wall

You never touched me before.
At least not gently,Or in a loving way..
so The slams and slaps felt like pretty sentiments
It felt so good,to be felt by you,
even if it wasnt in a positive way.
to me,It was beautiful
because youe never showed me any emotion before.
and this was the sweetest punishment
i could of done it,until you killed me.

Everytime I tried to love you,You screamed at me
You scared me.
Everytime I tried to nurture you,You choked me..
You told me you were going to kill me.

Everytime I tried to help you,Fix you,heal you,repair you,mend you,
you twisted my wrists so much,to a point where I screamed..
To a point where I cried so hard,and slid down the back of the wall,to my knees.

Looking up at you,again
I try once more.I run towards you,
I throw myself at you,you catch me by my wrists,and push me down.
again,In frustration,i hit the floor.
Youre so much bigger,youre so much stronger.
how could you do this to me?
You know how much I adored you.

I didnt stop trying to hold you,
Until my skin fills with blood and bruises

I told you i loved you,I told you you needed someone to lay with you..

everytime I tried to take care of you,Your face filled with rage
I had this unbeliveably romantic sensation within me
I felt like your mother,Like your girlfriend,Like your wife,
I felt like your owner,Like you were all mine.
but you werent.
and you arent.
but I had this feeling..
of needing to look after you
of needing to protect you
to take care of you
to help you
but you bit me,and scratched me and chased me through random rooms,choking me,hitting me.Telling me to go away from you.

"i'm not worth it"

"you dont deserve this"

"why do you love me?"

"...Youre beautiful."

these words,they forever haunt me.

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