Saturday, January 10, 2009


Written on:Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Just a random thought of mine-Its sort of sad to know that some people fall out of our reach,leave the open embrace of our lives,fade away,or just never were able to make it close to us,to begin with. Either it was their choice because of this,Our choice,or the worlds choice. Hmm,Now that I think of it..either way,I think its overall the worlds choice,no matter what.

Sometimes I get sad because of the people that slipped away from me,other times I feel happy because that means theres other people out there,waiting for me to befriend them.

Not literally, ;p I doubt they are sitting outside of their houses,with a cardboard sign cut out saying "i''m waiting for amanda to be my friend" ha

that was just my metaphorical side speaking. ;)


It just really sucks.

and lately ive been wondering .. like..
do things really happen for a reason?

Does the world take care of us,and compose our entire lives for us,or is it up to us to create our own lives,and take charge?

Ok.,that may be a bit to complex to understand.

I dont really mean that we should all sit on our asses and let the bills slip up and never clean our homes and stop going to school and never shower,and just smoke a ton of weed and "let the world magically take over our lives and make things better"

i just we let go of the rope we weren't able to physically grip?
do we say goodbye to the flesh we were unable to touch?
or the person we were unable to befriend?

the lives we were unable to go into..
the thoughts we were unable to share..
the secrets we were unable to keep..
the art we were unable to collaborate on,and create..
the minds we were unable to penetrate..


I came across a really really interesting girl on youtube about a month ago,[thats my shitty estimation.]

Right from the second I started watching her videos, This sensation came pouring in. She probably could of made a video talking about the dust that was polluting the back of her bookshelf,and I still would of been completely amazed. and I dont really know what it was entirely about this girl,but it was captivating and unlike any other girl ive really come across..
and some people make think i'm crazy.

perhaps if If I was to ask you to watch a video of hers,the same one I had watched,you would turn to me and be shocked,and think.."Wow this is what you were so googly eyed over?this is what amazzed you?what was so special?"

but I Think beauty is in the eye of the beholder,and cognition is precious and personal,and individual.

sometimes I think maybe I'm probably one of the few people out there besides her fucking BOYFRIEND who feels this much of an admiration for her. hahah.

ok,thats probably weird..
but its hard to explain

and in my mind,i dont think its weird
or creepy
It feels really beautiful
almost like the feeling you get when you help someone out,or feed the homeless,or give money to a donation,or charity.. or compliment someones hair in the supermarket,or hold the door for someone on their way out.

that kind of thing.

I just really felt like I had this connection with her. I feel like I could understand her,maybe even "help " her if she was feeling really upset,and sad,and like the walls around her were crushing in on her and everything and everyone was hurting her. And even strongly,she could do the same for me.

It was just this human instinct,and this love that I had felt..

when I Say I had a connection with her,I mean like without even talking to her or contacting her. I could relate to her.. I felt like there was just so much more to her.

and I almost felt like some of the sweet girls that sometimes message me on here,telling me they really want to get to know me,and they think something about me is "Special "and they see beauty in me..
Or like how one specific girl said she would even kiss me if she saw me :}
which really blew me away,because as she clarified it,and explained why and how and in what "way",she didn't have to.. because I understood her,completely.and I love that kind of connection..where it feels as if you were in the room with that person,and they started rambling on,and blushed or felt fear of seeming "Creepy", you could just put your finger to their lips,and tell them its ok,because you already understand howthey are feeling and they dont have to even finish their sentence.

but I found myself almost foaming at the mouth with human adoration for this random youtuber, whom I came across shortly after typing in just two simple words into the youtube video search bar.

Maybe it was because I was going through a pretty fucked up time.
It was like 3 am,and I was hopelessly searching for some sort of help,some sort of support and information,and answer and research on the symptoms I Was feeling.

anyway,I messaged her finally..and Tried to put my feelings into words,trying to sound the least "stalkerish" haha

but what she had talked about in her videos,just really touched me..and Just her entire essence,touched me even more.

despite how ingenious and wise she had come across,not to mention aesthetically beautiful,atleast in my opinion-

also the fact that I felt a huge amount of relief and the burden was off my shoulder..her words were almost sort of soothing and made my panic go away. Just the thought of someone else out there,possibly going through the same thing I Was..

I wasnt alone.

There was a remedy.

And despite the nice feeling of knowing you arent the only one who sometimes feelings absolutely manic or crazy,

just her overall,personality..
i found myself just thinking are really amazing people out there.

I just wondered who she was as a person,
I just sort of imagined and tried to think about what her interests were,or her childhood,her dreams,everything...etc and who she was as an individual. what she does throughout her day,what she thinks..what are her thoughts on this world,and every specific little situation,from politics,to relationships.

and I just thought,shes a good person.

I just know it.
I dont have to really know her entire life history,to understand..or to feel something for her,as a stranger,in this infinate world..

from a human being,to another human being without any logic or reason attached.

without any simplicity or explaination..

she just gave me this beautiful sensation
and I guess I can say even a bit of ..happiness,wow.

I dont even know this girl.

She just reminded me of certain pleasant,and complex,deep and meaninful sensations feelings and thoughts I have endured in the past.

And it sucks to know she doesnt really have any time right now to talk to me.


but its ok

because i guess its that whole

"Does the world take care of us,and compose our entire lives for us,or is it up to us to create our own lives,and take charge?"


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