Saturday, January 10, 2009


Written on:Sunday, November 16, 2008

I stood in front of the most beautiful doorway,today
a passage to another galaxy.
catatonic,and confident I stand in silence,and stillness
My eyes,barely blinking,
pupils blown up to the size of the softball your father threw to you,as a child

This door is such a queer element,
stronger and so much more glorious
than anything you've felt on shallow earth

to feel this,you cant take a pill,or swallow liquor
to feel this,you cant shoot up on poison or cheat your mind of its natural way
therefor,I Am so honored to be feel this way,without having to put anything inside of me.

I stand here,Stiff in my own realization
no need to move,no need to flinch
it doesnt scare me,
the wind,the noise, none of this scares me.
the time is now,the time is now,
cant change the date that once splattered my calendar
cant make new plans,or reschedule the matter

So quiet here,calm as a mouse,
like I was laying alone in a field of yellow daises
on a bright,sunny spring day.
mellow and silent as a lake of still,polluted water,
and as haunting as the struggling beetles and devious mosquitos,
dancing near the water

At the same time,Theres the most chaotic war raging on,
and Its so loud,that it makes your head squeeze
and you feel like you have to hold your ears tight,
so your brain doesnt slip out or ooze from the sides.
does anyone have duck tape?

The sound of screeching metal,
the smell of burning rubber
the wind,was never as ferocious,
it slipped through the purity of my scarred flesh,
allover my naked body
but I remain warm,in this winter
it lifted my hair, the howling storm
millions of coco brown strands,blinding me,
jumping in front of my face,kissing my chapped lips
and touched me allover, I can still smell the strawberry shampoo I used the day before.
Whispering to me,this wind..
speaking to me,
and this time,I didnt grab my throat to try to stop from speaking back.

I stood in front of the most beautiful warping tool of all psychedelia,
exotic abstract with funny colors and psychosis scent

It looks like a bowl of pudding, pulsating,extracting
instead of being dark in color,and chocolate in flavor, its all different pigments,and whatever flavor you wish.

neon,glow in the dark, rainbow
Ah,so exquisite.
tints and patterns,red and orange,yellow,lime and my favorite,white.
textures sometimes appear,plaid and poka dot fluff and creamy tree oak

it shivers like a square of chilled cherry jello,
and when you run your fingertip upon its fuzzy core,
it ripples,sending motion throughout its entire whole, like a pebble in a pond,would

here is a dimensional doorway,in the middle of this universe
standing 7 feet tall,auburn wood
sprinkled with diamonds,
outlined with gold,
in the middle of this beaten road
so deceived by the people,and so taken for granted
no one can see the beauty I now see,
i am so honored, jesus.
I am so honored to know you have chosen me.
me,of all the people who beep their horns,or walk their dogs upon the sidewalk
and Its like all these years,the road was screaming,and crying to be seen,
and the doorway,so locked and tucked behind our minds,our thoughts
jesus was ashamed of himself,wasnt he?
"you shouldnt be,you shouldnt be" and then My hand gently lifted upward,toward the golden nob,to embrace this..

And although I can spot satan,on the side of this holy doorway,
hes pants,down ..what a handsome man
piercing blue eyes,nicely shaved face,brown hair
my eyes travel down his body,slowly
no tears,no rage
"why,hello." his voice,so soothing.
and hes gently tugging and touching himself
pleasuring himself,right in front of me,as if i'm a dirty movie,
and gives out his hand,as if he wants to take me,
take me with him,

but I love you,jesus. I shake my head
"no,never." besides,his hand is corrupted
and I think its you,lord,who placed a sudden tune of sebastian bach in my mind,
soft,classical music to release my fear
My eyelids open to a disappeared satan,my focus returns to the doorway

Twisting my mind,and bleeding out all the bad,
I can feel myself get better,already.
without the meds,
without your fucking therapy

Do you know that,baby?
Do you know that,Dr.?
Do you know that,mommy?
Do you know that,absent father?
Do you know that, heartbreaker?

If thoughts had blood,I would show you,by dropping both my soaking palms,
and lifting my hair so you can see the stains in my ears,and the red that drips down my shoulders,unto the skin that clothes my own naked breasts.

Am I time traveling?
Did I just escape the vicious claw of mortality,
or am I at least on the brink of true beauty?

Something you havent felt before..
something you cant feel,and then wake up again from..
Dont tell me you've felt this before,
oxygen has contradicted your statement,and I'm laughing at you because you cant really understand,this. For if you could,you wouldnt be able to speak at this moment.. Soil would clog your throat,and the dirt under your fingernails would be a battered rope tied around your ankles,bounding you sternly
six feet below,darling.

the most poisonous but beautiful charade,
A game,and then I turned my head,confused like my dog used to,when I grabbed her leash and patted the ground,telling her to come forth

I'm trying to decipher something that isnt mine,
like a scientist gone mad,
this world,isnt mine.
this lifetime,isnt mine.
this does not belong to me,nor is it for me

its something that isnt meant to take apart ,an answer that isnt meant to figure out
but yet I insist to dissect,
i dont even have a license , but I yearn to incision
holding the scalpel in my tiny hand
and the calculator by my side,to sum up

looked down at my own two feet,
naked,and bruised purple and gray
The black gravel underneath,
never looked so pretty..
Whats this?
I swear,my eyes are bleeding
put my hands over my lips,
and wipe my eyelid, a bunch of red glitter,
mm so pretty.
I look down and theres crimson allover,dripping down my wrists as If I just slit them

now the floor becomes the most beautiful ocean,and I get dizzy,so I squirm and try to capture my balance, both arms spread out high at my side,as if i'm walking the tightrope but im not,really,
see i'm walking on the waves that are underneath my bleeding feet and smelling the salt that swims around me

I hear a voice, A pig, its crying
have you ever heard a pig cry,reader?
It not too pleasant.
Its utterly haunting,
and I turned around,in circles,
trying to see this pig,and
I kept screaming at the farmer to leave her alone,
and my hands ,over my ears and i'm yelling for it to stop,and im turning in circles and circles,and the wind,here it comes again,
bashing right into me,thrashing and falling over my skin,slapping my body and giving me goosebumps,leaving me red
and I feel the roaches infest,now
fleeing to their original home.
no matter what they told me,
i know they like to sleep here
in my thoughts
no matter what you told me
you were wrong,their really here.

the wind,here it roars
the more vehicles that swish by me,the more windier it becomes
the more wild,the more broken,cant turn back

the time is now,the time is now
cant change the date that once splattered my calendar
cant make new plans,or reschedule the matter

skidding,and screaming,
"get out of the way!"

"get out of the way,maniac"

"nice tits!"

heres another one,even faster

I think this is my ticket out,
I think this is the one to take me

I should go now,the golden nob is suddenly brightening,heating,steaming and blowing out steam like the boiling kettle on your stove,My tea is ready.
i cant concentrate,frantic and hungry, i need this,its calling me
I better enter,I need to open this door,before It locks
and I have to go inside the large warp before it fades into pixels,within thin air

thank you,jesus for choosing me.

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