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Instability Is sexy
Its all around us.
its addicting,Its contagious.
Music industries,and On tv.
Everyone glorifies depression.
Everyone flocks to negativity.
Theres a goddess in Slipknots Vermillion video.
She seems sad,and distressed.I am too.I dont feel alone,anymore..does this make me a goddess,as well?
The lyrics in these mellow dramatic melodies are almost brainwashing.
sure,these artists are only creating ART.they are expressing themselves,perhaps..through lyrics of sadness.but its dangerous.
Words are like a loaded gun. The viewers are in such variety.Who can handle this gun,and who cant?
teenagers,children? are they the vulnerable?
We could never possibly contain those who are "unstable"away from those we are stable.
we cant tell someone to not listen to a specific band,just because we feel they will kill themselves because of a certain song.
You just have to be careful.
IT feels good to be sad.
IT feels good to be fucked up.
Amy lee,and Shirley manson.
I fucking find myself glorifying these women,myself.quoting their manic phrases that seriously remind me of the fucking poetry I would bring to my counselor. haha "its good that you are expressing these dark feelings,amanda.its healthy."
-Its easier to relapse than it is to stay strong.
-its easier to cover your problem up,then it is to receive professional help.
-its easier to cry about the bad situations,than it is to smile about the GOOD in the bad situations.
although it takes more energy to be sad,upset,and angry than it does to be happy,positive,and joyful..we are all drug addicts,and misery is our drug.
Some of us dont want to fight.Some of us want to give in.some of us dont want to get any fucking better,because this sorrow feels like perfection,the way it is.
Sometimes,I fall into deep hypnotic trances.I imagine depression is this warping tool,that sucks its victim in.It portrays itself as innocence,as its painted in different neon colored swirls and psychedelic squiggles.Abstract shapes,and fuzzy textures. It seems ..harmless,doesnt it?
this depression,dancing..and swaying in front of you.calling out to you. Bribing you."come to me,and you'll feel safe,again" but you cant give in,because once you do..once you touch its skin,everything turns cold and black. you wonder,what the fuck happened.
Scars remind me..
songs remind me..
even commercials remind me,of when I was lost.
do you think that I never wish to be lost again?
do you think that I never think for one second "Oh its so much easier to just give up,tomorrow and not get out of bed" or "i fucking miss that.I just want to cry again,but I cant because i'm so numb"
HAHA I DO THINK THIS WAY!
because,instability is addicting. When you are sad for a long amount of time,it starts to grow on you.it shapes you.it takes over your whole entire life. emotionally,and physically.it affects EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in your life.even your family. IT starts to actually feel good,thats how bad it feels. IT starts to feel like home.You start to think.. "i'm meant to feel this way.I was born to feel this way.I'll always feel this way"
then once you "Recover",everything seems UNSTABLE,all of the sudden.even though its healthy.in all reality,you were only unstable when you were depressed.but you were SO unstable, that it felt stable.and happiness is the only thing that now feels out of place.
so..It feels good to cry.
It feels good to suffer.
Every girl wants to know that its alright to be upset,and scar her body,because her boyfriend will come "Rescue" her,complete her,and make her feel perfect.
and every boy wants to know that its ok to get drunk and feel fucked up,because his girlfriend will still "put up with him",and wont go out and fuck his best friend,instead.
We are almost leaches with no direction.with only illusive aim,and bittersweet intentions.
there is not specific,final ROAD of happiness and stability that is put in front of us,for us to walk upon. we just all have to shake the sorrow off,think straight,make healthy choices and FIND That road,instead.
its easy to give up,and say "its too hard to do this."
or 'i cant do that"because life is an endless war,and struggle.
for the longest time,I didnt know how to spell happiness because my mind was unable to comprehend the meaning its its first letter,alone.
"h". My brain couldn't function.I almost twitched and flinched.
What is that??
happiness..wwwhaat?
No way.
Almost like an ice cream flavor I've never tasted before.
My point is,Is easy to give in.So easy.
If youre in a room of negative people,you grow uncomfortable.
You start to feel your skin thicken.
the air becomes hotter,humid, and dirty.
You start to shake and pulsate alittle,because you can feel the negativity breath on you.its a sickness thats easy to catch.its ticking at you.pecking at you.it wants you.the negativity is calling to you.
instead of contributing to this,fight it.there's a litteral war out there,but everyone is blind towards it because it doesnt consist of physical action,theatrical trailers,girls who advertise their naked tits for it,or heart pumping soundtrack music.
We mock emotions,because they dont physically show.
we,as humans,are so vivid and visual.We NEED to see something,to understand it.we NEED to see something,to believe its real and exists. We are even selfish in a way,because sometimes we merely NEED to SEE something,just for amusement or our own entertainment.
so if an emotion does not reflect physically,then we automatically say "it doesnt exist." or we doubt its intensity.
we doubt its strength.
but then when an emotion FINALLY breaks through a soul,and skin..and physically stains someones flesh,like a picture for all to see,like a lost voice for all to hear scream..we automatically call it "EMO!"
HAHA.
I cant believe this.
either,we dont believe any other persons emotion..just because we personally cannot feel it,or even "See " it,and then if and when they finally do transition this emotion,to something physically..like screaming,kicking,cutting,or threatening suicide we say "OMFG YOU ARE EMO"
so either way,people make it so the victim is "screwed".
Emotions are beautiful.
emotions are powerful.
emotions are private.
they are like little personal movies,playing in our minds.
our minds are so closed off from everyone else to see.
so seperate,and individual.so fucking beautiful.
theres like little stories,being told in our heads.
little poems.
theres music,being played in our minds.
pretty instrumentals,of whatever instrument we choose
so how dare someone doubt the beauty,the intensity,the strength or the creation of our feelings and thoughts?WHAT?! JUST BECAUSE THEY DONT HAVE A DINNER AND A SHOW,to go with our emotions?just because we dont worpship/cater to them or bow to their every need of proof?just because they cant fucking see them?or feel them? emotions,are creations because physical choices,and reactions stem ,break off,and EXTEND from fucking emotions.
this is where and how and why I debate with people on where "logic" originates.
What is logic?logic is the organized,approved and "correct form of a mental,human feeling.
why?
because then when someone REACTS on an "Emotion" much too quickly..or makes a "DUMB" choice..we call it "IRRATIONAL."
something reflects on this.
irrationality has an opposite.
logic is something we all consider "correct" and levelheaded.
we all argue with different forms of logic.
We cant let sorrow or aggression over come us.
our bodies,in flesh and our souls, are too sacred to abuse with misery.
misery is just an emotion.just like happiness.
if we can obtain one,we can obtain the other as well.
just like with good and evil.
if we can do a good deed..we can commit to an evil crime.
just like with logic.
if we can say something "logical" then we can just as well say something "irrational"
You see?
or if you are religious,I could use "god" and the "devil" for another example.
So by giving into misery,by letting it over come us,we are almost all abusing ourselves.and when i say abusing,I mean in metaphor to how we are all "Drug addicts who are addicted to pain and misery"
we all have to take care of ourselves.we need to be aware.we need to keep focused in life.what we are living for.what we are aiming for.we ARENT aiming for saddness.we arent setting goals of suicide.we arent living to kill ourselves or soon die due to severe self inflicted cause.
we all want to be happy and healthy,yes?
even people who are suicidal,wish there was/is/ another choice.another road.we want to be heard.i've been there,I can sympathize and empathize,immensely.
but I look at it this way:
as we live..we grow..we learn.we fall,and we get back up again.we are walking,for years..down a road.and every now and then ,a few more roads will come into site.almost like a railroad track,different pathways will stem off. and under one of those pathways will be titled "give up".
and we cannot give up.
depression will promise you the world,but we cant give into it.we must stay strong. Dont get me wrong.I love saddness.I love emotions.I dont say I love saddness,because i'm manic or "emo" but I say I love saddness,because I love happiness as well.I believe to truely appreciate and be in love with emotions,you must not only accept t the good,but also the bad.because you cannot "pick and choose"When it comes to this situation and adoration.why?because the human mind does not merely run off of good/POSITIVE thoughts!
theres a time when "Saddness" transitions itself to harmful depression.
that is why we must all be aware of ourselves,our health,our wellbeing.
I know most of you may think "oh shut the fuck up.depression is something you cannot control" but in some cases,you can. its all a matter of transitioning our thoughts and feeling to the positive.
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