Written on:Saturday, March 01, 2008
"why must true illusion,Not love,conquer all?"-Unwoman.
This is all comming from the darkest depth of my heart..who would Of figured It pouring into an internet blog?It should be written in a journal and on its way to my counselor right now,instead. But ... Things don’t always go as planned.
It seems as if all the good men have drown in a River somewhere.And all that are left are Liars,Druggies,and alcoholics.
Besides Our sailed ship of sentiments,and Battered Hearts of two; (you know who you are,You know what you did.) All That remain on this Earth for me,are Careless People.Perverted men,with hearts in comas. And all that they can currently think with,are the erections they bare from time to time. They dont care about me,They only care about getting off on me.
I am this tongue-tied,and stunned..because he was beautiful.He was something beyond the ordinary.Something that genuinely differed from the Endless line of Foolish Pigs in disguise as men.
I am this stuck in his glue like,coated flesh.. only because; He was naturally Amazing.He didnt have to pretend..
But like I said,things don’t always go as planned..
"Theres no such thing as forever".And with that spoken,You are completely..and utterly Correct. Things in life,Flow with a chosen tide.. And No one said that tide Had to be fair. It was never stated in blood,That this Life in which we live,has to go the way we want it to..And has to always float painlessly. I didnt choose this... Yet I endure this.
In this life,we meet people.. But that person,Is not certainly ours.There is no "30 days and guarranteed " sticker Stamped on the forehead of The men we wish to call our boyfriends,Or the girls we wish to consider our girlfriends.
Generally speaking; (no specifications intended,whatsoever)
I don’t care if you swear It was love at first sight.. I don’t care if you both agree on this..imensely overpowering and beautiful connection,from the moment you spoke to eachother..I dont care if you’ve been dating for 4 years.. I dont care if youre married,and I dont care if you even had eachothers baby!
You still Don’t own eachother.You dont "have" eachother.He is hardly hers,you are hardly his.It is still severely uncertain.
Why?Because anything Is possible.Anything can happen.There is always a possibilty for an end,And with love..There is always a chance of death.If something is able to begin,then its able to end.
He can cheat on you,And she can fall out of love with you.Remember that,kids.
My life has taken me here..but where is here? Can you even consider it a "here"?It looks more as if a pretty.. nowhere.So distorted.So deserted,and vacant.hes abandoned me here,in love.I am alone.. He couldn’t take care of me,or protect me.. so i hope to learn how to protect myself.
Time Does change people.time converts people..For the better,and sadly..sometimes,The worse. that whole ’once a frog is kissed by a princess,he turns into a prince’ story,is bullshit. Because i’m 200% certain he went from...man,to beast..within the last year.And I recall of at least attempting to kiss him.. but,nothing works.
It’s a bit sad and disturbing to know that what I consider "sincere" Is in all reality,the opposite of sincere.
And what I once considered "good" and "innocent" is now so goddamn spoiled and terrifyingly fucked up, that I cant really tolerate even a simple thought of it.
What I ever considered "love",was hate.What I ever considered mere "silence",was neglect.What I ever considered "making love",Was sexual abuse.And,What I ever considered "attention",was just a quick Five second-Hello,before going to a bar to get hammered,and then another few days of absent messages and phone calls.
I cant face it.. I cant Touch it,nor can I even look It directly in its cold eyes.
It scares me to know that what I now think is "safety"..
Why do i feel this way?
I’m scared to take a step away,
or am a scared to stay,but even more afraid to walk away?
I am not so certain anymore.
I’m scared to lose,and scared to gain.
Do i die here?
i’m scared to death
he was special..
His name not being john,Or joe..So why am I afraid Of johns and joes?
They havent even arrived..and yet i already shudder at the thought of their company..I die alittle inside,at the thought of their cruel arrival..
Then again,Maybe Cupid has a wife at home,himself.Maybe he knows alittle of how I feel..I dont think love is that heartless to endlessly hit a person severely hard,within the same couple of years.
at least give me a moment to stand on my feet..
Why Did you have to do this?
I wanted to prove them wrong.
I wanted to defeat any person Who doubted me..
Everyone who told me:
"You cannot change him.You cannot change anyone.It is only he,who can change himself."
All of those who said you would fuck me over.All of those who said you were a perfectly concealed liar,and marvelous actor.
My friends.. My friends friends,even my own damn mother.
All of the guys who ever wanted to love me,And all of those cads who only wanted to fuck me..Why did you have to hurt me? Why did you have to let them have the last say? they are right,only because you never cared enough to prove them wrong.
I wanted to show people How The ugly can become pretty again..
Rememeber When I begged you to put down,and forget that bottle?
Remember When I begged you to talk to me,on the phone?
We aren’t "one"..But I wanted to be.I wanted our souls to entwine.We are clearly two opposites,Two seperate souls..Living life.or at least fighting to. At least coping to breathe,and hanging onto passion by its tinyest string. well,At least I was..and A piece of me imagines you were too,once.
You are spoiled..But I wanted to purify you.
I had such goddamn faith in you.
I wanted to show them how we could love..
I wanted to show those who said it wouldnt last.
I wanted to prove ...
So whos laughing now?I feel naked..in front of a vengance hungry crowd.
Please god,If you are out there..If you are listening..Show mercy.shelter me.Forgive my pityful soul.It ’s been so long since we’ve talked..I hardly know you anymore. But,help me.I am ashamed of my blind eyes,and faults of innocence.
heal this broken heart of mine.. I am so sore,I cant believe I can actually Stand at this point.I cant even sleep,think,or eat anymore.
And Darling Almost Lover of mine,
I hope to be another pretty name,freshly painted at the top of your list..from girls you’ve known in the past.. or, girls you’ve...merely Murdered. Why does it have to be this way?Why does it have to be so cruel??I havent even gotten to fuck you.. I wasn’t ever able to kiss you.
Perhaps this all is just...Harsh truth.
I forgive you,afterall.
for being broken,Was never your fault.And being empty..Isn’t your fault.