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So yesterday,was a day of euphoric emotions,for me.
I was outside,sitting in front of my moms house,just soaking in the glory of everything around me.Which is quite odd,because personally,these last few days have been extremely numb for me. but Then today,I felt as if the earth was talking back to me. The sky was breathtaking. unbelievable. Perhaps the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Sometimes, It will be so visually gorgeous,for weeks at a time. I always feel like no one gives it the respect or admiration it deserves. I feel like everyone is too busy in their sidekicks or clublife,and we've all forgotten whats around us,infront of us,behind us..below us..above us.
The sky obtained many different emotions,and "feelings". The sky feels too,you know. In some areas,it was clouded very very gray.The clouds formed to overcast a morbid,dark color of sorrow. I could feel it,It would break and roar. thunder and lightning would clash,but then In some other areas,It was bright as can be.The clouds were so angelic,and The sky behind them was so flawlessly baby blue.the sun had peeked from behind,and It looked like that "perfect day".
For some reason,I was more drawn to the "darker" side of the sky.It really reminded me of my self. the entire sky,that is. two sided. just a split personality. exactly in half,right down the middle. not in 3rds or 4rths.. but just TWO sides. Happiness,And sorrow. Light,and dark. Pain,and Pleasure. I always feel this way. I guess its healthy to balance out the two.but Its even more thrilling to lean to one side,more than the other,every once in a while .that question of.. "Will I make it out allright? will I make it out alive? Out of my own,thoughts.. no one can ever save me from myself."
I just sat outside,and I could feel raindrops sorta tear down on me.Very mild,mellow drops. A few hit my face as i looked up and squinted at the Sunny part of the sky,above me.
The wind came,touching me,dancing within me.moving me. Invading my body, In the most beautiful,natural way. This is life..The wind,is an amazing element. A part of the universe. Sometimes I feel like "natures touch" is even more romantic than any touch of a man would be. I dont know.. I truely feel this way. nature cant break your heart. nature cant cheat on you. nature cant lie to you .Nature is balanced. nature is honest. nature is genuine. Nature is not of humanity or mortality. yet nature is not forever infiniate or without a soul. nature,Is true beauty. Intact.Untouched.Unfiltered,unedited,uncensored. natural.
I started to fall in love with the unvierse again. the butterflies in my stomach started to flutter.. I felt the adoration slip in again,at first I Was alittle stubborn,I tried to push it away. thinking.. "it doesnt matter anymore,Life isnt all that beautiful,anymore.. I'm tired.I'm lost..I'm alone,andcold inside" but the wind and rain drops kept persisting as the sky roared in thunder.
I couldnt help it,I felt alive.So i gave into the universe. just like you would stubbornly with a lover who "hurt you" in the past and has come back around again,apologizing. Saying "Sorry",begging you for its forgivness.even though the world hasnt hurt me.. I feel like I have almost,hurt it instead. It hasnt done me any "wrong" but Im the one whos turned my back on it,and its beauty,this last week.
on the way home..I started to feel fulfilled and enlightened.I felt lifted,Like I could fly,physically,and Like I could just sing out,spiritually.I suddenly felt very happy,even though nothing really "amazing" happened to me. To anyone else around me,I just probably lookedl like a bored girl sitting on the front steps of her house,waiting for something to do. but I Wasnt just doing this. in my mind,so many things ran wild,and spoke to me. beautiful things,of inspired happiness. I felt like skipping,or running up to a stranger and hugging them. I felt like giving someone something..
I feel like father sky had tested me today. To make sure,my love for him was true. he has a heart,as well you know. The world is not made of stone. Perhaps some of the PEOPLE within it,are lost,or cold,but that does not make this entire world cold,or numb.
I went to my little sisters school,to pick her up,and So many people glared at me with hateful looks,and eyes. I felt bad.not for me,but for them,actually.how they are judging on my external appearance,and they will never know of the warmth in my heart. I actually just felt like going up to them and saying "I wish you all the happiness in the world,a real awakening of realization,to find peace and unity with your siblings of the universe"
because we ARE all siblings.litterally.we are all human beings. no matter what color eyes,skin,or hair. We are all of the same kind.and though It was a bit hard for me to comprehend why so many people were hateful towards me,it still wasnt surprising because I know of the world. I know of its "bad",and I believe that the universe through this sudden situation at me,to just see if I would automatically retalitiate in cruelty and run off crying "OMFG I HATE THE WORLD AGAIN! WHY IS EVERYONE SO MEAN AND FUCKED UP TO ME??!! I CANT TAKE THIS.I HATEE THIS UNIVERSE ,I WANT TO DIE!"
or If I had truely seeked out its beauty,and If i would keep my head up high instead,and realize..we are all beautiful.
Thats exactly what I did.People laughed at me,and joked around. I could see girls litterally talking about me,like I wasnt in front of them.some people even said things outloud like they had never seen a girl with long black hair in a flowy silk top that blew in the wind and a jean skirt with ballet flats on as well.
I dont understand this. Why do people judge? what I Wear,Will never compare to how I feel on the inside,or who I am .Ive said this a million times. I express myself through clothes.And even more than ever lately,actually.I dont really dress according to "Weather" but I do dress accordiing to the skys "Emotions."
How I look on the outside, will never describe the depth or complexity of my personality.Your clothes cant define you either,you are the only one who DEFINES your clothes,instead.
I just sorta smiled at everyone,even though I could read their thoughts "Wow what a slut.She must have no respect for herself".
I turned to my brother and just looked at the sky and genuinely felt lifted.
and then,that is when I got the idea in my head.
What have I been giving to the universe lately?
nothing. I feel so..guilty,and sad,almost. The world is beautiful.We are here,we are alive.and we should be thankful,and appreciative for our friends,family,and health.
I feel like I need to contribute something beautiful to the world,to nature,to the earth,just to express my personal love towards it.You should too. we all should! I have no idea how to start this,or how to do it.. but I am going to.I just know I am!
I need to GIVE something!
Not neccessarily financially,but maybe something more spiritual.
I've been thinking of starting off simple.
Materialistic wise,I am thinking about giving most of my clothes to donations.I dont care,anymore. Of course we all want to look good,but everyday I wake up and get dressed,I realized.. materialism cannot ever make me happy.happiness does not blossom from materiaslic items,it blooms from your heart,and soul instead.
Plus when you suddenly fall into a romantic trance and state of love for the universe you just stop really giving a damn about your "hair or makeup" because you are too busy thinking about touching everything around you in the world.
I need to do this. I need to give back to the universe .I need to contribute something.
We all need to contribute something. |
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