Written on:Sunday, July 13, 2008
We're all killing each other.
last night,I cried for hours.
Then I called my mom,and Probably had the most wonderful conversation ever.
We just shared our beliefs on everything,and life..and the world..
I just feel like,eternal happiness is so fucking close..sometimes I can even feel it brush against my skin,but then when i turn around,to kindly embrace it,it just almost blows away into thin air,and I'm left alone..searching for it again.
theres so much more out there.theres so much more out there in the world,i can feel it..i can sense it.i know its there.If only i can find it.theres more than jjust dark,grim faces of the miserable people in my family.more than just my hollow bedroom walls around me.more than just the coldness of my blanket..more than just the captivity,I am held by.
I feel stuck here..but sooner or later,I know I'll break off.and when I do,i believe it will be the most beautiful feeling ever.I can stand tall in the world.I think true happiness and adoration for the world..and life..is the ability to be able to see both sides of things,good and bad..the ability to be able to accept lifes hard and easy times,and the negative and positive.
not only loving the good times,but also accepting the bad.thats true happiness.
When I think of happiness...I get these mental images..like,visions in my mind..and the first thing I picture,Is just..the planet..like in globe form..the world,in its most natural state.like stripped down,bare naked..and just PURE..without any commercial or materialistic things.without cable tv,or a bag of doritos.without any malls,or traffic jams.without any street signs.without any porn.without any makeup,or hairdye..
I guess I imagine life,without any fucking corruption.Perhaps even more like it was in the victorian era.
when i think of "happiness"
the first thing that comes to mind..are images of wildlife,nature..mother nature,the earth.. Trees,in a forest..deers drinking water..plains and plains of green,and just flowers..and summer breezes,and warmth,and butterflies..and birds..and all ..basically,the simplicity in life.the beauty that most are blind to.
I guess this is why I enjoy camping so much.
most people are numb to its beauty..
whats around them..
most people focus on the "bad" things about camping.
like having to sleep on a hard,rocky floor.
or having to lock away your food so bears dont get it..
The dirt thats under your fingernails.
the disgust of having to use a dirty public bathroom,with spiderwebs in the corner of the stalls and beatles by the sink.
even the thought of being EATEN by a bear
the burden of being surrounded by willdlife,can sometimes seem.."Eeerie" but only because civilization has brainwashed us all from the memory of once being family with it.I think we once were a part of nature..more than ever.back hundreds of years ago,even..and now that we have MTV and fucking online shopping,things are alot different.
most of us are so disconnected and broken apart from nature,and life.
and when i say life,i mean SERIOUSLY,PHYSICALLY life.
Like..its so beautiful.Just to be able to go hiking,and see all of this amazing life around you. and its free.completely free.the flowers,and sunshine,and sight of baby deers,and butterflies,and even insects..are all free.they dont cost a thing,in this world.
people focus way to much on the shitty sides of things..
I just wish everyone could feel how pretty and simple it all is.
If I lived in a fucking cabin somewhere,deep in the woods.. I dont think i'd have any fucking stress.Without cable.without the internet.without the dangers of the media,and fucking everything grim and evil.
even money itself,is captivatingly horrifying.
it can take over a person,more than anything else.. i fear.
I just belive that..when I think of happiness,all the simplicity and beauty in life,litterally just floods my mind,and I start smiling.
I really pity people who think of happiness,and a brand new car,or boob implants come to mind.
and people..women..are always searching to find some sort of security or completion,through a RELATIONSHIP,and within a man.i think thats why they are often so fucking crushed and like manic depressed,after realizing a certain relationship didnt work,or turn out so well.
I think women need to stop searching for happiness,within another human life form,and instead,they should transition that goal,into seeking happiness throughout LIFE itself,and the world..and everything around them,and not a boy,but every single situation that is around themselves,instead..
because, your boyfriend may not be around,forever,.
thats a sad fucking fact.I dont care how happy you are.things happen.changes happen in life.
your husband may not be faithful forever.
your husband,may not be attracted to you,forever.
your husband,may not be there forever.
so instead of freaking out,if hes gone,
I think women should just really cling onto the world.
the sky,the stars,the mountains,the ground,the dirt,the grass,the winds,the trees..everything.
why?because..this is here,forever.
and when i say forever,i obviously do not mean litterally,forever..because I am not god,and I cannot determine the exact time of the worlds death..but all I know is,the world will probably be here,until most of us grow old,and die...or just die,because.
so as long as we are here,the ground will remain,and so will the sky will be still so intact,and so will hopefully everything else thats beautiful,around us.
instead of clinging onto a boy,and waiting for his phonecalls..impatiently as we bite our fingernails with tears streaming down our cheeks..we should just.. deattatch ourselves from "him" and attach our selves to ..OURSELVES and the world,instead.because..those are things you will NEVER lose.and you wont ever have to fear of you "abandoning" yourself..and you'll never have to fear of mothernature CHEATING on you! you know?
its a beautiful thing.
its helped me out so fucking much.
I used to be hopelessly amazed by a boy who was just..purely HOPELESS.and then when things didnt work out,i almost..collasped,completely.i fell so hard to the fucking ground,because he like..let go of me.stopped lifting me high,above..and just dropped me to the floor,and started to walk on a different path that led to hurt and darkness,and i was confused..because i just wanted love and happiness,but he always refused to love me.
over time..I guess I realized and learned alot of things,by myself.
I thank god for my disconnection with the real world,reality,and my lack of socializing with people,or other guys..I even am thankful for pushing away other guys afterwards,who tried to talk to me..or get my attention..because If I would of gave in,i would of probably attached myself so fucking dangerously to one individual guy,like hes my security blanket or something and it would of been so unhealthy for me.
so during that time,of me being.."Alone" I guess i just clung to the world instead.and it feels so beautiful..and natural..and right...and there is no fear.
it doesnt feel polluted or corrupted,like it did before..when i was in love with someone who was so goddamn misanthropic,selfish, and hated everything around him,and didnt see as much beauty as i did..and only thought of fucking shooting guns,and war,and rage between so many other people..and fucking video games,and alcohol.
and i always thought most of those things were evil.
sure,we need certain things in life..certain bad things,to be able to heal with any good..thats natural.but its NOT natural when ones person is ONLY made up of MERELY BAD THINGS!thats just..corrupt,and dark.
life should be balanced with every different kind of emotion,but i dont think we should dwell in one specific feeling of depression,forever.
we cant all search for happiness within another person.another soul.because deep down,that person doesnt even know the answer.
we are always looking for answers,inside other people..or other things,that will only numb us..like alcoholism..or we search for some surreal sensation through other things,like weed..and drugs.which is disgusting..because we are taking some natural substances,and abusing them for our own SELFISH reasons. I do not think weed was put here to smoke,or to basically use for ourselves.that is a part of the earth,and man has just taken it.I dont give a damn if INDIANS even used it.I still dont believe in this.
It is basically..using something NATURAL..for an ARTIFICAL happiness and high and sensation.its all so very illusive,and fake.
if you have to use any sort of substance,just to feel any bit of euphoria,then its FAKE.
true happiness is not having to smoke anything,or drink anything in order to obtain it.
it just comes to you.you dont have to get high,and go to IT.
I dont understand people.
just because you see weed..and you think..oh its going to make me feel good..it fucking looks good.. to me,it smells good..because i'm used to it.. i love it.. it even tastes good..i could sleep in a bed of it,or bath in it..because it makes me feel great,and there is no more worry.
well..I see "good"things all the time.all around me.but does that mean that its nessecarily GOOD for me??!! NO!it doesnt.thats what humans dont understand.sometimes what we WANT..is something we SHOULDNT have.
if a 36 year old man is walking down the street,and sees some tight little 16 year old in a short cheerleader uniform,should he go over and fuck her?i mean.. because he WANTS her and all..because she LOOKS good..shes different than his slightly SAGGY wife,at home..and not only does she LOOK ,physically good,but in his mind..she also feels like a good situation..and plus,hes dying to feel how she feels on the inside,physically too.
but NO.thats not the right thing to do.thats not what he should do,because if he did,he would end up in jail. :D
so sometimes people,the things we crave..the things we desire..the things we want,and sometimes believe that we NEED,are the things that are so dangerous,in some way..sometimes physically (for that 36 year old man haha,cos he probably would get locked up..)and sometimes emotionally (like for me,and the guy I once loved.even though it was an emotionally abusive situation,i was so in love with him and i WANTED him..and i'll always feel for him,and sometimes i miss him..)
but now i realized..he was bad for me.
sometimes the things we want,are bad for us.and we shouldnt have them.
sometimes going to that party or club next weekend,and drinking until we are shit faced and cant really remember our best friends name..SEEMS good.. (for some people..i cant comprehend why though) but in reality,its not good.its fucked up.it hurts your body,and can do damage to others around you,and you as well..because you probably wont even know what happend.
these are just my opinions,you dont have to agree..but this is how i feel.I find the world to be beautiful,but i will always not agree with certain things,like drugs,or alcohol.
you say its fun.. i say its destructive.
and trust me,i'm not talking out of my ass.I feel that these things are destructive,beccause I have watched it destroy people.I grew up iin a very corrupted household,where I've been exposed to many situations that people usually experience,much later in their years..but i was fforced to semi endure them,younger than age 7.