Saturday, January 10, 2009

"The elephant man"

Written on:Friday, July 11, 2008

I know I rant alot about how people judge someone based on physical appearance,and just days ago,I posted the longest bulletin about my personal experience and how people have judged me all because of my hair color,or eyeliner.

but the more I just wake up each more,and watch others,in the the more I learn.and sometimes,watching cruelty,can really make someone smarter,stronger,and happier in some ways.

I watched,(pretty much ONE of the saddest films out there,my opinion) 'The elephant man' earlier. an old film with anthony Hopkins,based on a man who suffered from phsyical deformities and how people basically slowly started to kill him,mentally,and physically because of it.The world shunned him because he looked different,and he wasnt handsome,or didnt seem "normal "to others because of his body abnormalities,but in all reality,he was only human.

It was so sad,and cruel.
at moments of watching this film,I felt like i was even going to cry!(and im not emotional,during movies.I havent cried ONCE during a movie,in LEAST 10 years.)

or the last time i did,i was probably 6 or 7 ;p

but by the end of this movie..i truely realized so many things,and It made me want to smile and cry at the same time.
though it was only a MOVIE, things like that really DO happen in the world!

People are judged and hated because of how they look,all the time..and its one of the thing i despise the fucking most about people and how they are so willing to point their own fingers without looking in the mirror,and deep within themselves instead,first.

I dont hate that people judge,because Im afraid of what they think of me..because honestly,if i Thought much of peoples outlook on me,I would of changed by now.i would of changed for the world,and I would of toned down my voice,or suited your vision a LONG time ago.but obviously,i have not.

cos you think to yourself..if it really bothered me about what people have to think or say about would of ate me alive,by now.and i would be fucking scared as fuck and like spineless and following crowds and dressing "normal"and wearing no makeup,because society would be something i couldnt "handle"

but i'm still packing on the eyeliner,arent i? ;]

If people hated me for how i look,I would be really stunned and concerned..(because NO ONE wants to be hated) but i wouldnt care enough to change myself for them.

what DOES get me the most,is just the ability to see these human flaws of the world and how cruel people can be.THATS what bothers me,because i wont sit back and ignore what goes on. and i wont brush it off and keep walking,either.

I guess its just something to really think deeply about..
because thats all i really can do,considering how I cant change this world.

The point of this was,after I watched that almost made me feel alot better.well,better..and almost sad at the same time.
If people hated "the elephant man" and stared at him in DISGUST,all because of something he couldnt control,and even though he was a beautiful,kind,gentle,sweet person on the inside..they still treated him like a monster in a freak show..
i realized..It just makes me want to spit at people for even ONCE thinking about staring at ME ,because of my hair and makeup..or the way I seem to "pop" in society.Its a pity.

I am nothing compared to someone who suffers from some sort of deformity,yet people are that sick and quick to judge.

I am not saying that,out of conceit or thankfulness of looking "normal" or "BETTER"than people with deformities,because god knows thats not my point,and no one is "normal".

my point was just.. I cant believe the fucking difference of two situations.
how light one is,and how severe and intense another is.

deformities > amanda.
deformities? >amanda.

[notice the greater than,less than fucking symbol.]

they dont fucking add up.
one is so much more important and drastic than the other.
so why do people over analyze and trip out over the fact that I stand out,when it comes to phsyical fashion? I dont get it.

I honestly dont. People just feed off of any situation,creating drama.because thats why the world is attracted to.Thats what it lives off of. I hate how people magnify everything into some brewing soup of negativity.



the assholes of the world can hurt me anymore.
if you make fun of me
or accuse me of something
or send me hate mail
or be a jerk to me
or fuck me over
or cheat on me
or leave me
or break my heart
or tell me im a slut
or tell me i'm ugly
or accuse me of getting 148787/7/8484 plastic surgeries.

guess what?

you cant hurt me.
you cant break me.

I'm fucking over it.

I see things DIFFERENTLY!

this isnt about PRETENDING to be a stronger person.
this isnt about PRETENDING to be tough or unbreakable

this is just HONESTLY finding some sort of barrier within yourself,i dont know what to call it..its not exactly a "force field " or "shield"because in order to have a shield or "force field" you would have to be HIDING behind something,within yourself..emotionally.
and i am not.
this is something completely pure and stripped down naked .all truth.

of course i am only human,and I am not the strongest girl,emotionally.god knows that. Things will always make me bruise and bleed,but they wont kill me..they wont break least not like theyve did before.

i feel liketheres a long,road to realization.
life is hard
times are tough
but you have to keep fucking pushing and shoving and budging yourself more and MORe towards the line.
sometimes you are exhausted,bleeding,scared,feeling hopeless and crying and not wanting to walk anymore towards it because you are so lost and feel like its "pointless" and you just want to lay down on the road,instead.and die.
but you cant.and you wont
you have to just keep walking
eventually,the sun will shine,your tears will dry,you will get will start jogging towards this goal of "Realization" and then suddenly,something fucked up will happen to you again.and you will feel really shitty,or POSSIBLY even SHITTIER than you did,before!but thats ok,because you have to keep going. AGAIN and again.and again and fucking AGAIN and again and again,how many times you fall,just multiply that by 100 and realize,those are as many MORE times you will have to GET BACK UP AGAIN.

finally,in some point of your life.. (im not talking when your old and like in your death bed..but im talking about,emotionally..this is not about some sort of mental maturity,it has nothing to do with age..but just will feel this i seemingly can be 90 when you feel it,and you can be 25. or..12. i dont care.its an amazing feeling of strength and passion)

You will finally run again,towards the road of realization and then you will finally reach this,and its bliss.

i swear to god.people can be throwing knives at me,and i'd just smile at them..and say..

"you know what?? FUCK YOU. :D have a good day,mate."


For the record,

I am now so touched by anyone who suffers from any deformity.

I have always felt compassion towards those who do,but after seeing that just opened my eyes so much,and its like..maybe i havent really paid attention to those kinds of people,before..

but now.. I do.Not in a bad way,but I just feel so much kindness towards them.they are truely special angels.

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