Saturday, January 10, 2009
RANT ON SELF THOUGHTS. THE MESS IN MY HEAD.
WRITTEN ON: SEPTEMBER 13,2008.
Ive been Learning so much about life,lately. Who would of known there lies a lesson in gazing out your car window,staring upon the traffic ahead. Its everywhere,all around us. These whisperings,of truth and knowledge. If only we paid more attention. Its like the world is talking to us,but most of us are deaf. Maybe If we took in all of these speakings,and hid them away in a treasure chest,and left it alone..over a few years,we could open it back up and finally find we have seeked the true meaning of life.The meaning of everything. When I say the true meaning of life,I dont mean the general,overall,complete reason We are breathing. I mean.. The reason you cried last week. The reason your boyfriend cheated on you. The reason you and your friend laughed so hard that you almost puked. The reason you chose cheetos over doritos. haha. Ok,I know those examples are all horrible,but hopefully at least some of you will understand a bit of where I'm comming from.
Some thoughts are meant to be kept to ourselves. I know this. Its not a shock. Theres so much,just swimming inside of me. but way too personal for this internet to know of. If I unleashed it,I imagine my computer monitor and modem immediately blowing up into tiny bits.
The sad,pathetic,pitiful,whatever you want to call it,fact.. Is that I Want to share it with someone. I do. I Do. A girl,or a boy. I dont care. A friend,or a lover.I dont care. I dont want completion. I dont want security. I just want some sort of connection .Some truth.Some beauty. some bliss.
I feel like everyone is just shallow and brainless lately. I Dont know. this isnt me being judgmental,This is just me being lonely,and desperate.ha. I'm searching for some sort of "to die for" friendship,but I'm not finding anything. So of course i'm going to get a bit agressive,after countless times of disapointment. I feel like everyone is emotionless,and even if they say they understand..they just..dont..understand. and I 'm scared.because I want someone to understand.
The best example,would be..
When you watch a movie,you know how "deep" it feels? You know how much it touches you? You know how you fall into its story? you can feel it.It makes you want to laugh,or cry. It makes you afraid,or aroused. It has such an impact and effect on you,yes? Why?
well one, I guess Its because of its exposed humanity.
Humans are very emotional. Very "needy".
We are very dramatic,and we feel alot.
Then again,i Dont know about YOU,but If i was watching a movie with a dog,and he got slaughtered,I probably would start balling out into tears ha. Which has nothing to do with the death or dramatization of humanity,thus,humanity is a defeated purpose/iirrelevant subject here.
Then you think of music.
Music can make you laugh or cry. Music can make you feel scared. Music can make you feel alone,or alive. It has such an impact and effect on you.
When you listen to music..You lose yourself in it. Everything about it. You lose yourself in the melody. The sound. You lose yourself in the voice that is singing. You lose yourself in the lyrics,the words that are being sung. You even lose yourself in the visual image of the singer,singing. The clothes they are wearing. The landscape they stand upon. The emotion in their face..everything.
We lose ourselves in this. But "this" is..simply..emotion.A sensation.
Its so emotional. Its so needy. its so dramatic,with so much feeling.
We consider other peoples music to be magic,but the word "magic" should be replaced with "emotion" or "sensation."
Sometimes certain songs are so sad and depressing,that its addictive and ATTRACTIVE. I could probably name a million artists/songs right now that sing about sad things,and it just makes me want to make out with them because of it.ha.
because they sing about emotions.. fragility. sensitivity. humanity.
When guys sing about how sad they are because of how their "girlfriends" left them,or cheated on them.. It makes me want to kiss them. because They seem very compassionate,and caring.
When girls sing about how empty they are because of how cruel the world seems,it makes me want to lay in bed with them. because they seem very lost,yet so human.
And when I talk about kissing or laying with these people,its not sexual. Sex doesnt come to mind. compassion,and adoration does.
I truely believe you could kiss another human being on the lips without if being sexual.without feeling any sexual attraction for them,or any desire to "fuck" them.
I get this way,so excited and intense because of the "sad songs,"not because of my own selfishness to see others suffer. but it is what it is.Take it how you want to take it.Percieve this,in the way which you want to percieve.
My point is.
from movies-to music.
what do these all wreak?
even if the songs arent sad or fucking about killing yourselves,or feeling empty..
we're all made up of emotions,feelings,thoughts,reactions.
but lately,all the people in the world..seem to feel the oposite of those compassionate guys singing or those empty,broken girls singing.
The people ive talked to lately,the ones i'm around,they feel ..I dont know.
non human,in a way. I dont know where i'm going with this.theres just no spark.no compassion. do they even give a fuck about me?do they want to give a fuck about me? in movies,you always see a guy chasing after some girl. Who wants to chase after me ? no one. I feel off to the side, hiding in some cave. ha. or maybe i'm not hiding,maybe i'm just napping. maybe i'm just tired of everything.
This isnt about a guy. Its about human connection. I feel disconnected,and far away from everyone. I feel like i'm the only one who gives a fuck and wants to love. I know this isnt true,and others feel this way as well,but I'm just being honest. deep down,i know otherwise.but inside.. I feel this way.despite if its "Accurate logic" or not.
thats what I fucking love about emotions.oh god.
the fact that they sometimes seem irrational and UN LOGICAL!
thats what makes them so beautiful.
like a pyschodellic rollercoaster,an explosion.
so crazy. so out there.
so full blown.
so unpredictable.so personal.
so "asigned specifically,and individually,differently,and significantly to each and every one person"
we all have our different,little emotions.
even if i'm sad.and someone else says they are sad as well.
we will NEVER feel the same saddness.
even if we are both crying because of the same reason!
thats what makes emotions so amazing
even when you tell someone you "understand" you ..really,cant.
you cant really ever experience or endure the war raging on within someone else.
you can RELATE to an EXTENT,and you can even assume,using LOGIC..but you could never really fully comprehend the emotion,in other human emotions or human emotion,in general. :)
its what makes it so risky,so scary,so intense. so deep. so EXTREME.
I guess another reason why people can "understand" human behavior so easily,is not because they have a special way with diagnosing others feelings,or because they are gifted at psychology,but because.. humans.. give off scent.we basically give out the answers to others,without knowing it.without THEM even knowing it!we give it away.we expose flickered pictures,personal images,and internal movment. meaning. every now and then,we express certain things.we just come clean.even when we dont know we are.
we are so complex,and complicated. but sometimes even the most repressed,stubborn,ignorant,difficult,nonexpressive,-"I dont ever show my feelings"- type of person,will show their feelings. not intentionally.not NON intentionally.it just happens..whether it be through a spoken word,a non spoken word,or a physical movement,or non physical movement.
We can see glimpses of them.we can see through their soul,when people..express to us.
THATS how we start to tell them.. "oh i understand".and we start to tell them "i know how you feel,you dont have to say anything.i know what youre thinking,without you having to say your thoughts outloud" and then we start to take the credit. thinking.. "oh i am just so fucking connected with this person,i must have a way with mind reading,or maybe i just really am deeply in love with them,to a point where I know them SOO Well that i know their everythought and intention".
its not that.
its because of THEIR expression,that WE caught at the corner of our eyes.
ITs almost like we all have been watching eachother.researching eachother,analyzing eachother.like we are all eachothers science projects.
we take down notes of their every behavior,like scientists.
Emotions may not be full of ethical thoughts,moral actions,or logical ambition.
but..thats what makes them amazing.
People are hypocritical.
if emotions have no logic,
nor does the fact that youre attracted to someone underage.
or nor is the fact that you think about having sex,while you sit at mass in church.
nor is the fact that you drink,and do drugs.
nor is the fact that you forgot to pay for that laundry soap thats at the bottom of your supermarker cart.
nor is the fact that you ran that red light.
these things seem unethical,to our society.
or at least to mine.
but you dont see any of us having a fit because of it.
so whats so wrong about the chaos of human emotions?
emotions arent meant for us to bury,neglect,and forget about.
they are here for us to endure,and feel.to take on.
like little adventures,in our heads.
we are all asigned to a dangerous,life threatening mission of feeling an emotion of sorrow or happiness.will you choose to take this mission,or will you run from it?
emotions arent meant for us to mock,or take for granted.
emotions are not meant to shun,turn our backs on them,or make fun of.
our emotions and the emotions of others,arent meant to for us to ASSUME or guess.sometimes i feel like the emotions of others arent even meant for us to figure out.because their emotions,are their own beautiful possession and they are millions of tiny wrapped precious gifts for them. if we try to deciper and disect the mind of others (which we can try and try until we are blue in the face and the lions lay down with the lambs,but we will NEVER get" far",because we wont ever fully know of eachother,because cant ever even fully understand ourselves.so many layers of the human brain,we wouldnt ever be able to get to its root or complete meaning or another person,by just looking at them,externally.by just staring into their eyes and guessing of whats going on,on the inside. no.yet we wont even understand what goes on ,on the inside,if we lay them on a table and cut open their heads!)
my emotions are mine.
her emotions are hers.
his emotions are his.
by trying to figure some one out,label them,judge them,or TELL THEM WHO THEY ARE and TELL THEM HOW THEY FEEL,we are almost stealing their little tiny wrapped presents and falsely giving them logic,the logic WE came up with.the misunderstanding.the lies.
go on and tell me i'm overreacting.tell me its "not like that"or thats not your intention.but deep down,underneath the layers of your explaination.thats how it is.thats how it seems. i just express it through certain words.but no matter what metaphor you use,its still the same situation.
I love emotions.abstract colors,neon fluff. squiggles,bright yellow oozing,purple ambiant dividers,warping patterns,checkers,rainbow,black,gray.nothing.a blank white screen.
i want to connect with someone full of them.but why does everyone seem so numb,lately?