Written on:Wednesday, August 13, 2008
[i havent spell checked this yet.i was in a rush.]
Yes,Truth be told. I am only human. I will not explain the story in full detail,because its far to complex,mind-twisting,and personal to be this freely exposed in a blog. But I do have a positive point,in expressing this specific personal experience with you all.
The question is NOT: why did Amanda almost have a nervous breakdown?
but its more of How I've pulled myself back together. I suppose this is almost another example of how I try my best to maintain a healthy mindset,and how I believe its beautiful to be able to go through both the good,and bad in life..even if you dont believe they are helping you in any way,at the moment.. They possible are,you just don't realize it.
Last night,was very scary for me. My family are very negative,abusive people who really dont support me in any aspect whatsoever. No,i dont want your "boo hoo"sympathy,but my family are a part of the reason why I sometimes almost go into suicidal relapses. haha.
Its a good,healthy thing to be in a NEGATIVE situation,and abusive surrounding and be able to REALIZE its negative,and abusive.because the first step is recognizing the wound,and then from there,I think its all about trying to heal that.
Whats hard for me ...is.. I can only go so long,without breaking. I am a very positive,uplifting person.. but Its hard for me to remain in a painful household,and remain this way. because vulnerability,keeps ticking at me.. like a clock..and it keeps pecking at me..like the beak of a vicious crow.
It doesnt leave me alone..why? because im not made of stone.I'm made of flesh,blood,a beating heart,and EMOTIONS. :D
I feel that if I was older,and able to move awa from here,in my phyiscal home,away from my family.. i would be happier,because then i could SURROUND myself, in something healthy,happy,uplifting,and positive.
The act of "Straying and surrounding":
we cannot always control the situations we are in,or choose the things that happen to us..but its good to stray from the negative,and surround yourself with positive.(example:When you are 18,you are of age.you can from them on,create yourself.form your life.choose your happiness,or choose your sorrow.if you grew up in an abusive household,and you didnt know any better..which then leads to you later on faling in love with someone who is abusive,I do not pity that.I think that we all have a choice,along the road.we are just either blind to it,or we just dont give a shit.so if you are like 21 years old right now,you CAN stray and surround.)
Straying and surrounding,is something which i cannot physically do right now,thats why its eating me alive.if i do suffer from a bit of occasional depression,its only environmental depression and caused by that which i am surrounded in,not because I am a dreadful,negative person who chooses to outlook the world in an ugly,misanthropic way.
I honestly dont think its even possible for a happy person to remain happy,when they are forced to litterally live in a home for years and years,with people who slowly kill eachother.they really hurt one another,on so many levels..and they dont give a shit.it hurts me soo much. 1] to know that these people are my FAMILY,and they have lost compassion towards eachother,they dont care if they hurt one another.they are selfish,and almost heartless,at this point.no exhaggeration. and 2] just to know that i cant get away from this.i dont choose this life.i always remain positive,and i look at things in such a more happier way,then they seem to be. Also,(and i am so thankful to this) Lately,things have been fucked up at home..but it does not effect the outlook i have on the world,and how in love I am with life..and the earth. my love for the world,is something i would die without ,personally..because..without it.. i fear i would become the hideous,broken person i used to be. the world is something i hold onto.
I always say.. Life is what you create it,make the best of it. and I DO.I dont need people to tell me how to live my life.Its so nice to hear people, tell me things..but I dont need to hear t. I remain calm, 98% of the time.Its normal for people to snap,here and there..because if i DIDNT,then i would probably be crazy inside,to of immune completely and see nothing wrong with the situations around me o_O
I'm underage,so I cant move out of my house yet. THAT is my problem. but i always tell myself..I'm stuck here.theres nothing i can do.i'm physically stuck in this situation, icant move out or stay at a hotel or some other place for a week..I HAVE to make the best of it.and I do.because i obviously know that bitching,crying,creativng havoc,cutting yourself,throwing chairs around the room,picking fights with the people who hurt you,and going wild..will NOT change the situation.dreading it,and dwelling in negativing will not stop the pain,or heal the problem.it will only attract MORE problems and negativity.so NO,i do NOT go around fighing all the time, but what I AM guilty of,is letting it efffect me.yet again,i am only human.when your grandma tells you to shut the fuck up,your a child,you know nothing and if you open your mouth again,shes going to "slap the shit out of you",it kinda..well. HURTS. haha.so forgive me for feeling like shit,after that. Like i said,i am not made of stone.
to a much more lighter point-
Whats your purpose in life?:
I feel like we all have a purpose in life. Your race,age,or sex does not have anything to do with this purpose. A womans life should not only be of reproducing children,cooking,and cleaning.. just like a mans should not only be of working,hard laboring,Constantly supporting,and being the only discoverer of the earths signifigance,beauty,hard ships,wisdom,and philosiphy.
Lets get the steriotypes out of our head.Lets wipe our slates clean of any typical lables. I overheard someone a few days ago,explain how they believe that a woman is merely only supposed to breed,and take care of her husband and family. I almost... vommited at the sound of this. he made a woman sound like a sheep.. or a worthless lab rat.
He was not neccessarily being negative or spiteful about expressing this opinion.. and thats what got me the most.knowing that he wasnt saying this,just to piss me off..but this was simply just a genuine belief of his. disgusting?yes. At least in my opinion.
I dont think People live,to just fall in love,get married,and have kids.why?because at some point,its something that EVERY human being will do in their life anyway.It isnt really all that unique,once you look at it.Its actually quite average,and often labeld the "norm". At some age,a woman and man CHOOSE to settle down,and start a family..but its NOT what their entire life should be aimed,at..and strived for.its NOT what your entire life should be based upon.we should not live for that specific,mere moment.Life is SO much more than changing diapers and cooking dinner.
most of the time,mariages are divorced,or people grow old together,and slowly become unhappy,because they havent fullfilled a burning passionwithin them. Alot of people hopelessly cling onto others,seeking happiness ONLY within that certain person,making them their entire universe,depending on them,and just really focusing so fucking heavily on the fact that their "significant other" COMPLETES them. but at the end of the road.. you need to ask yourself.. are you happy?is this true happiness? is this what you really want , in life? is this real,or an illusion? what have you done in life?what do you have to show for it?
Sometimes,pregnancy and childbirth can even prevent certain success.
My own mother,is the perfect example. she thanks god for the life of all of her children,but she knows it makes it harder to go out there,and phyiscally work,as well as it is EXTREMELY harmful towards her own health.
sure,not everyone is like this way.sure,some people hire babysitters and have supporting husbands. but then again,not everyone DOES.just like how not everyone doesnt.
Getting More into our "External Expression":
I think we all have our certain talents,dreams,goals,passions. and we are meant to strive for these. Our passion is a huge chunk of our personalities. Of who we are in life. if ANYTHING defines us in life,I think a passion is the only thing which does just that.
not clothing,not the dress you wear,or the color you dye your hair..all of those physical,external traits should not defineyou. if anything,the happiness or goal you strive to obtain,should more.because most of the time,that is in more relation to who you really subconciously are,instead of the color shirt you are wearing,you know?
sure,I express myself through clothing.I try my best to seriously reflect my inner emotions,through the types of outfits i put together.does this make me vane? no,this just makes me very compassionate towards my internal persona.
but no matter how hard I try to truely express the "real me" through different fabrics,material and fashionable designs..it will still.. NEVER..and i mean,NEVER even SCRAPE the tippy tip TOP SURFACE of who I am,on the inside.
And thats ok,because its beautiful. We're not meant to be able to see through eachother,clear as ghosts. If we all wore our brains on our chest,and emotions on our sleeves,then we'd be disgustingly transparent and there would be no joy or thrill in taking the time to truely get to know someone,and befriend them,or even lose their frienship,if you will. (since we all know this isnt fucking barney,and life is anything but mr.rogers.)
Ive succumbed to "Artificial Happiness",and the wrath of materialistic purchases.:
I am guilty. Lately, I have been too focused on seeking inner happiness through the shallow,commerical,and artificial materials of the world. Ive been this way,only the last couple of days.. but I'm already so fed up with this vile habbit of thinking,that I immediately recognized it,and fucking erased it,completely.
Sometimes I am very sad,emotionally.I am tired,of feeling pain.so yes,instead of being strong,and trying to feel better..because Its more difficult to brush against the root of the issue,and fully ELIMINATE it,instead of just numbing it for a while,and "dealing with it later".Or sometimes just not talking about it at all,and moving on with your day.
So,I will just numb my emotions,with materialstic things. (we all have "those days" I am not ashamed to admit i do too,what the fuck?i'm not jesus.)
sometimes I have those moments,when I ask myself..whats my purpose? And I just feel like giving up. and when i say give up,i dont mean KILL myself,i just mean like .. I'll STOP fighting and searching for TRUE,GENUINE,PURE happiness,and instead,i'll bury my pain,cover up my scars and hide behind cosmetics and a brand new waredrobe.
Before you misunderstand me:
sure,its ok to go shopping.Sure its ok to be happy and comfortable with the skin your in.its ok to be happy with the oufit you just purchased from the mall with your friends.sure,its ok to express yourself through clothing.trust me,having a good self esteem is so severely important to someones well being/health. So is hygeine.
so buying new clothes,and getting dolled up..ISNT a bad thing,as LONG as you can balance that out with your perspective in life.as long as you remain in a healthy state of mind.as long as you dont get carried away,or let your personal apperance,the strive for perfection,and "beauty" overcome you.as long as it doesnt get out of hand,and over your head.as long as your materials dont run your life,and its you whos running your life,instead,you know?
hiding behind accessories,and letting it control you,and complete you,and be the only good thing in your world, is NOT true happiness. TRUE HAPPINESS should not be found within the brand new pair of shoes you just bought.True happiness should be found within realization,balance,harmony,and ability to see the beautiful all around you,in the world,the people you love,peace.Finding Simplicity in complexity.THAT is true happiness. Not fucking MAC makeup,or $20000000000000 pair of gucci shoes and a prada bag.
Why isnt this true happiness? how can you realize this isnt? Just think of it this way.. Would you be just as secure with yourself,without all of that makeup on your face?without those extensions in your hair? without that $500 skirt? I highly doubt that,honestly.
Materialism of the world should not complete someone. Artificial happiness,people. Its all ARTIFICAL happiness.
So yes, lately Ive been feeling very low about myself,physically.I had no self esteem,soI thought.. "why dont I just fucking drown myself in new clothing? THAT should make me feel better". Until i realized..No. NO it fucking wont.because happiness,is an emotion,a beautiufl,genuine state of mind.its something,pure,natural and REAL.its not something that can be bribed,or BOUGHT. people who cover up their own happiness,with alot of clothing,new cars,and hair dye, are basically like taking a wound,and slopping a bunch of fucking mayonaise on it.Litterally.there is no healing,within that.Its just a endless circle of burrying,and piling on artifical shit just to get through the day.just to barely feel content,on the inside. They are just seriously raping the whole beautiful concept of TRUE joy,and mindblowing euphoria,by trying desperately to look exactly like the supermodel on the televison before them,or wear the clothes they post allover their myspace,and brag about how much money they are.
I just realized,..Litterally. Last night, Why? like,WHY am I doing this to myself? why am I hurting myself?punishing myself? whyy am I being bad to myself,by thinking this way?
(thinking that clothing,and accessories could EVER fullfill me.)
I felt guilty,and vile.I actually felt disgusting. I felt like i was betraying the world.I felt like i was just stabbing mother nature,and hurting the Earth world around me,that I love so much.I would ask the universe to accept my apology,if I could. I was not being true to myself. I was not taking in the world,in its natural form. Without commerical items,without cosmetics,or the sick,vision of PERFECTION that everyone tries so sickly to obtain.
If I could,I would hug the ground right now and say that I'm sorry.sorry for hurting myself.sorry for hurting it.
What really Is true happiness? A brand new car? A boyfriend?:
Then I also realized.. by me,searching for happiness and COMPLETION,through makeup,clothing,and shoes,is EXACTLY the same thing as if I were to search for happiness and COMPLETION,trhough a boy!through a relationship! through love,and a man!
and i'm extremely against that.EXTREMELY. because we should ourseles,before we love anyone else.and once we do love ourselves,and that person..they should NOT be the only vessel of our true happiness,they should NOT be the only thing that enlightens us,in this world. We should also have an understanding and adoration for ourselves,and some sort of balance and indepenency.
so i just realized,theres NO difference,WHAT SO EVER in searching for happiness through something materialistc,and searching for happiness through a boyfriend,or girlfriend,or wife and husband.they are both the saem thing.
Lets take a moment of praise.just because shes so amazing!:
Just like how I said.. I thought clothing and accessories could fulfill me,I think bjork stated something so similar,and perfect for this situation..towards a man. a human being.
"how could I be so immature,for thinking he could replace the missing elements in me"?
How could I be so immature ?
I think its one of her most beautiful songs.Shes got it down.She understands the world. Shes so fucking beautiful.
thats almost...breathtaking.the realization,in that song..is outstanding.by far.so amazing.Shes one of the most wonderful artists of our generation,truely.
(just like I think its artificial happiness to search for a substance,and material to complete you in life.i think its also artifical to SEARCH for another person in the world,to complete you,because you should be beautiful,special,and complete on your OWN.)
My views on "True Happiness":
I think true happiness,Is realization. I think true happiness is being in touch with your natural self.and when I mean,"natural" i DONT mean without makeup,or physically "less" of any artifical fashion,I just mean natural,by discovering a few more of your inner self layers,and embracing the person you really are,underneath it all,Your real thoughts,and emotions without censorship or fear of exposure. Loving yourself,on the inside.THAT is a form of happiness. Understanding yourself,as well as understanding others around you.Feeling CONTENT in your own skin,is another form of happiness.
true happiness,is a state of mind,and emotion found within yourself. it does not lie within the gucci shirt on your back,or the way you boyfriend texts you,saying he loves you.that should NOT be all that you are living for. we are all beautiful,special,significant beings.we should not live for other people,or other artificial substances,but we should merely live for ourselves instead.
and if you find me being "SELFISH" for saying we should "live for ourselves" then you CLEARLY did not comprehend even NEAR the concept I am expressing right now,so don't bother leaving a negative comment,because i dont assoiate with negative energy. we are,what we attract. we are,what we create.
YAY! AMANDA IS BETTER NOW.no more breakdowns.:
Ok,so now that I'm back to my true self :D the real amanda,underneath all the makeup and clothing. I am going to the beach,as soon as possible.without any makeup on,or use of hair straighteners,or any of that shit.and I'm just going to lke..dive into the ocean,and Just stare up at the sky,and soak in all the beauty and glory of lifes simplicity.I just want to lay in the sand,and get dirty,even.I'll THROW muddy sand in my hair just to prove at how it doesnt matter! :D though this isnt about prooving..its about connecting.expressing.sharing.living. being happy. and the world..makes me happy.the earth,makes me happy.I just cant wait,to feel the sand in my toes,and get the tiny particals stuck up my fingernails.Its so..breathtaking. I cant wait to feel pretty,on the inside,and outside..without insecurity .. without feeling "low" about myself.because even if I dont look amazingly beautiful,I KNOW i am amazingly beautiful. why? because I know i'm a good person,on the inside.and THIS is the only thing that fucking truely matters.
What is "Artificial Happiness?":
sure,we all want to be famous,beautiful,idolized,even plastic, people. living perfect lives of millions of dollars,7 cars,sex,drugs,rock and roll..all that grand stuff.but in all reality, people GLORIFY negativity.and in my eyes,THATS negativiy. The simple life of a famous person,to me,is negative..because it is not true happiness. Famous people,lose themselves along the way of fame.they end up conforming. Ive seen it done. Models tend to confrom to the agencies. AMERICAS NEXT TOP MODEL,alone,is the PERFECT example of how DESPERATE and devoted those poor girls are! they all look like they are seriously willing to even cut open their wrists,slitting into their own skin and like FEED the judges with their own BLOOD just to be chosen! just be ..a model. just..to be...beautiful.
I know,theres beauty behind modeling.trust me,its beautiful. Modeling,alone..the concept..being able to make complete ART,out of a photoshoot..holy jessus,i understand it. I know its amazing. Its just like photography,or poetry..its litterally ART.
thats not the bad part of it though,its the pressure.its the brrainwashing amount of opinions.all the voices in your head at once.people changing you,having to conform to something.. you ..just arent.
why do models kill themselves?why do models become drug addicts?UGHR..DURH. I DUN KNOW.IM DUM AND BLIND.
HA.BECAUSE its artifical happiness. the actual CONCEPT of modeling,itself, is not neccessarily artificial happiness,but its the long process, and journey of fame,and the industry that is very poisonous and artificial,itself.fame,and talent gets to peoples head,way too quickly. instead of taking advantage of IT,it starts to take advantage of THEM.
and about agencies forcing you to conform:
life is about creating yourself,but its NOT about creating yourself to OTHER peoples needs.
we should not change ourselves just to suit the vision of a stranger.but we should build ourselves to reflect the inner emotions,within us,instead.
:D i feel so much better now. seriously.I feel like I can fly or something. I just want to share this feeling with everyone. Its beautiful.
The moral of a breakdown:
my moral of this blog,is..soemtimes it hurts.Sometimes we lose ourselves,really. I dont know why..I dont know what triggers this,exactly..perhaps a variety of reasons. I know my personal reason,issometimes I am so sad,to a point where I get numb..and I'm too tired,and I dont want to fix myself,beacuse i feel like it would take too much time and effort.
lets face it,its easier to be sad than it is to be happy.
life is one long,mission,struggle,fight,journey,and discovery.its so easy to give up,but its harder to strive..and actually obtain success,and happiness.
its easy to say "Forget it.Its not worth it"then it is to push ourselvse,everyday,to wake up..and realize..what we are actually living for.whats our purpose. whats our goals.
So I personally,tend to numb myself with "pretty things".because I think it would make me happy,even though in reality.. Like i've stated,Its something I call "artifical happiness".
Just like how I believe that the joy and euphoric sensation DRUGS,and alcohol give you,is "artifical happiness"
we pollute our bodies with all of this..and we dont even realize,how ilusive it is.Its just like loving someone who neglects you,and isnt even really in love with you.we stay with them,because we are in love with them and we WANT it to be real..but in all reality,it isnt. its not really there. we just keep packing it on ourselves,layering our selves over and over again,because we keep trying to convince ourselves that it is,but it isnt.
well thanks to anyone who took the time to read any of this. :D