Saturday, January 10, 2009


Written on:Sunday, March 09, 2008


i write down a few of my amazing dreams,so i can read them and think back at the sensation they gave me.

so, I had a crazy dream a few days ago.

I can hardly remember it now..

But I woke up in the middle of the night,right after I had it..and was tempted to start writing a short story about it.thats how great it was hahaha

well,it was a little sick,scary,sad,and painful.

But there was alot of action,and it was quite intriguing;if i do say so myself.( and i was the one who dreamt it.) ;)

It all started out with me,my mom,and 12 yr old brother.

I was at her house for the weekend.

to make a long dream short,it went from..looking at puppies in some puppy shop,to going home.. and me having to murder my stepdad,because he was going to kill my mom.


it was sick

I grabbed a kitchen knife,and just started thrusting it into his skin.

Its like,i could feel it go inside of his flesh and it was alittle hard to pull out,because it went so goddamn deep.

all i remember,was sweat,blood,and rage.

then afterwards,I was sorta in mom sat down on the bed,and cuffed her head in her hands.

I blankly stared at the still air before me..

then i called My grandma and told her to call the police.

( i have no idea why i didnt just call the police,myself.)

Afterwards.. I remember frantically walking back and forth in my moms house,waiting for the police to arrive.

I had this very eerie if it wasnt over. as if my stepdad still wasnt dead. I was spooked.

It was the same eerie feeling that you sometimes get,while watching a horror movie.when the guy/girl kills the crazy murderer,but then leaves his or her weapon at the scene,and walks away..moments later,the murderer is back on their feet,holding the SAME weapon they were just stabbed/shot with and they go after the victim, a second time.

;] its horror movie rules.haha


Thats how i felt

i remember repetitously saying "its not over"

and then i heard voices outside my front door

I came alittle closer,to hear it more clear

voices of men

I suspected alot of them

i didnt know who they were

or why they were there

all i knew,was it was troublee O_O

I knew they werent there to have a damn tea party with me.


The guys turned out to be an evil clan of hit men,sent to kill my family.

I assumed My stepdad put them up to it.

but perhaps he couldnt wait for their arrival,so he decided to go after my mom,earlier that night...

(until i was like "HELL NO." and brought out the friggin Knife.)

he was probably impatient. haha



back to the dream:

So,I quickly told my mom i heard voices out side of the door.

She came to look/hear for herself.

Then they violently twisted the knob,as if they were trying to break in.

She told me to take the kids and go upstairs..

I took my other little sister and brother (my sister is 7,my brother is like 4 or 5 haha)

and i started to walk them upstairs

when all of the sudden,i got another eerie slap of instinct.

as i was walking up the stairs,I noticed through the window of the upstairs loft,a ladder was pulled down and I could hear the men shouting.they wanted to try comming in the upstairs,as well.

I quickly brought the kids downstairs,and told my mom that they were trying to come upstairs.

she told me to go back up anyways,and run past the loft as fast as i could,into the masterbedroom. There,she wanted me to lock the door and hide somewhere.

(i have no idea why she said was stupid.because if these were hired,trained,professsional killers..they would FIND us all. haha I know my mom wouldnt tell me that in real life,but my dreams make no fucking sense.)

( mind you, my 12 yr old brother is STILL downstairs,with my mom and other siblings.HAHAHA see. made NO sense)

but yeah

so I listend to her..and started to walk upstairs.

As i got to the top of the stairs,i was stunned.

I stared at the window in the loft,which was ahead of me.

the same one i glanced at not even two minutes ago.

this time,the window was wide open,and the satin curtain which covered it,blew wildly in the mellow breeze,which came from outside.

I knew they were in the house,i was just to damn scared to move.

I couldnt tell where they were hiding or which way they would come from.

finally,the door to the masterbedroom swung open,and a few guys came out with guns.I ran downstairs with the kids..

by that time,MORE guys had gotten in the front door.

I spotted my mother in our living room.she was crying over one of my dead siblings.her hands were full of blood..

I couldnt think..i couldnt speak.I couldnt cry,i couldnt even heart was beating to fast.. my pulse was was the biggest rush ever. I was almost downstairs,when some guy came in last,from the front door.He slowly closed it behind him,. I could tell he was possibly in charge,from the way he acted..the way he looked.the way he walked.the way he sighed.the way he breathed.the way he stared at me. No fear. No emotion. No guilt.nothing.he was robotic,to me.

He stopped right in front of me,and calmly shot my little brother in the head!

it was horrifying. I screamed,but he just fell to the floor.

then i grabbed my little sister and put her behind me,

the man walked up to me,and grabbed me by my throat,he choked me really tight,to the point where I felt as if i’d faint and I grew dizzy.

I remember my vision blurring,and the dream being very hard to comprehend or focus on.

once i was weak,he pulled my crying little sister from behind me,threw her down the stairs,and then shot her twice in the back.

I also heard my mom screaming from the kitchen.

a few gun shots followed..

i assumed she was dead.

The man grabbed me and told me he was going to take me away.

I shook my head,i couldnt understand

iwas to busy waiting for him to shoot me

for there was no escape!

i was cornered,and he was three times my size.

He put a gun to my head,and told me to go with him..

then all the men walked out of my house,in different vans.

he threw me in one of them

i dont remember what happend next,all i remember was i woke up at a was dark..

i started walking on the shore..

my feet in the sand.

my dress ripped,

blood down my legs..

I dont know what happend..

everything before that,felt black and unknown to my eyes.

I kept walking in front of me

until stores appeared on my left

little beach shops,and expensive resturants

alot of people were eating outside,at tables

elegant music played

some couples danced

there were neon lights dangling from the roof of the resturant

and wrapped all around palm trees that surrounded it

infront of the resturant (and on the sand,which lay behind the oceans water)

was a small brick wall

a bunch of people sat around it


I didnt know who they were,until i came closer

and it became alot more clear.

one of them was the guy who threw me in the van

i also recognized a few more of those guys

he was sitting on the wall

vodka in his hand

he had his arm wrapped around some girl,who unwillingly sat next to him

He swayed back and forth,and drunkly sang off key to a song

the girl turned her head everytime he sang in her face.

i assumed because his breath smelt of alcohol

as i got closer,i could smell it myself

i sat next to him

he didnt notice me at first,

until another man fled to me and grabbed me by my wrists,

i whined.

he didnt let me go

he squeezed them tight

and almost pinned me down completely back against the cold ground behind me

he lifted my dress,and forced himself between my legs

he was about to force himself inside me completely,when the man next to me,stopped him.

"wait wait wait!"he exclaimed.


he added.

he lifted me back up,and put his finger under my chin,lifting my face.. only to notice the fear in my eyes,and black eyeliner down my cheeks.

’i know you.. I do."

He whispered.

"youre familiar."

"are you an ex of mine?what do you want?are you here to nag me to death?is that it?tell me how I fucked us up,completely?"

my eyes widened,i didnt know what to say..

until i realized,he was to drunk to even recognize me.

he pushed the man between my legs away

"fuck fucking.."

the man mumbled.

he was disapointed,and angry.

he zipped up his pants and walked away,

still whispering curse words under his breath

the man beside me,looked at me..

waiting for my response.

"ugh.. no.. i’m not an ex of yours.. i’m,a friend"

i shyly voice quivered and shaked with nervs.

He took a minute,and then said something like "oh..really?i like friends.Friends are nice."he smiled,and pulled me on his lap.

I smiled,fakely

and accepted his touch,uncomfortably.

I felt so scared,alone,and unsafe

I didnt know how to get out of there

I dont even know why i went towards him in the first place

i was so anrgy at first,but i just became afraid..the more iwas near him.

i was looking for some security

when i stared at the girl who was sitting at the other side of him

she stared back at me

i didnt take my eyes off of her

it stunned me to realize,her eyes were as hollow as mine were..

to be continued.

when im not lazy


I’m talking to friend
in some deep conversation where the subject isn’t deep at all
a friend I knew once,in school
someone I have never talked to in my life,
but I’d see in halls..
or he’d sometimes say hi

I then see him walk in
another person.
someone I know
someone I love and adore
see him talking to someone
I suspect something bad
he doesn’t see me
to caught up in his conversation
i analyze his every hand motion..
but still his movement is hardly lifeless.
i forgot who he was talking to
i cant remember if it was a man or a woman

if it was a woman,she wasn’t threatening..
because if she was..i clearly would of remembered her.
i felt comfortable knowing of their conversation.
he looks like he is about to receive something.
something he shouldn’t.
is it a bad substance?
that was the only threatening part about this all..
I’m frantic
there’s chaos
my mind corrupts with worry
i panic
I dont know what to do
is it my job to prevent this?
do i have to endlessly watch over him,like a watch dog?
like a lover?
do i have to inspect his every footstep...
checking over them,with a magnify glass
making sure it doesn’t lead to his destruction?
i am not sure
i cant hear what he is saying to this person
because he is on the other side of the room
i can only see his lips move,
but cant make out the words
he is in front of two big wooden doors
the more i focus on these doors,
the more they look like doors of a hotel
the lighting becomes friendly and warm

the boy i was talking to,notices my detached attention
he sees that i am no longer listening to whatever subject he was once rambling about
he calls my name..
but i cant hear him. .
to busy worrying about the man I’m staring at,and what he is about to do..
i see him.. he nods his head and smiles,warmly at the person.
the person he is talking to,nods there head too..
he looks around one final time,scamming the room,to see if anyone sees him..
but oddly,he didnt spot me.
then him and his "friend" walk out of these doors..
they look like they are up to something.
they look..sneaky,almost.
i finally hear my name being called,by the boy i was talking to..
i flinch,and ask "what?"
he asks if i was ok..
i said i was fine,but i had to do something really important.
" don’t follow me. ill be back" I add.
he says ok.. in a skeptical tone of voice that three periods would trail off after wards,in his sentence..
i quickly start to walk towards the two wooden doors
the two that he walked out of,only seconds ago.
but suddenly,people are in front of me..
passing by
crossing the room
but why now?
why at this sudden time,when I just so happen to make my way?
they seem like obstacles
all of them are calm,and don’t make any eye contact with me
but it seems like their movement was almost in spite,and intentional
i try to keep calm myself.
i finally make my way to the doors
i gently push them open
The outside of these doors are just like my assumption
very ordinary
a parking lot was ahead.
just like it would be in any hotel..
but this parking lot seemed to be one of a supermarket,almost instead of the parking lot of a hotel.
and past this parking lot,was familiar stores,and other supermarkets..
video stores,and fast food places..
A place I have never been,but i seem to know..
something familiar.
something i invent,with my knowledge and memory of the places i have been before.
this environment soothes me in a way..
i see him so far ahead of me
he isn’t running nor walking fast..
but he is not walking slow
somehow,he seems to get away from me quickly..
i walk faster.. praying that he doesn’t look back to see me
i wonder what he would think..
he must think i’m silly for following him..
for stalking,him..even..
i just want to make sure he is ok and that he isnt up to anything ridiculous
his black coat,sways in the wind
i notice its rich,raven color
it looks cold,
but the air doesnt feel cold
i dont take my eyes off the tip of the material,faintly flying in the wind he makes,as he walks foward
my mary janes tatter on the blacktop
hard pavement;
clacking sounds..
only because of my sudden quickened pace..
i see him turn around.
oh god no.
where should i go?
theres no where to go!
i cant hide!
I feel embarrassed and ashamed for ever trying to help him
i also feel selfish for sticking my nose in his personal business..
maybe he wasnt doing anything wrong at all.
he sees me..
our eyes meet..
his eyebrows raise,and he smirks alittle,sarcastically..
not in a friendly way.. yet not in an angry manner.
he turns to his friend,and puts his hand out, almost to say "stop" or "stay here"
or "i’ll be right back"
i quickly swish around..
and walk fastly back towards the two doors
i dont look behind me..
i can tell he is following me,because i can hear his footsteps too
getting quicker
faster towards me
i feel my face turn red
strictly staring ahead of me,and at some moments.. i glanced at the ground
the air is cool
it wasnt a windy day,
but i’m practically running..
so a few breezes sneak within my coat,just like they did with his..
lifting it at the sides,
i dont go into the hotel,
instead.. i go onto the side of this "hotel"
which now becomes a building of some sort
and this building,i pass
onto a patch of grass
a fairly large amount of grass,at that
there is a tree,and a big sign planted in this grass
i didnt take the time to read it
but i suppose it was a sign with the name of a super market on it
around this grass,is where cars turn in to find parking..
ahead of this grass,is a street
with busy traffic and cars turning in all directions,waiting on lights
again,this all looks familiar
i turn around once more,and hes there..following me,now
i dont know if i should laugh,or cry..
i run faster,behind this large sign..
but i know he caught a glimpse of my red coat..he knows where i am
so theres no point in hiding
i come out from the sign
hes closer to me,now
but i speed up ahead,so he cant touch me
i wont look him in the face
i avoid staring into his beauitful eyes
i just keep myself busy,and i walk ahead of me

i make it to the end of the grass
my feet didnt stop just at the end of the sidewalk,
they are touching the street
fell past this sidewalk
but i quickly jump back,because of the cars racing ahead of me
i look either stupid,or suicidal
but now i’m safely placed onto the sidewalk again
so i suppose i now seem "normal".
i turn around,and hes catching up to me
soon he will be here,on this same sidewalk..
what will he say?
im embarrassed,and afraid
my heart starts to race
my hands clench,and sweat
my throat tightens
my pulse quickens
i have always been a very nervous girl
afraid of rejection.
afraid of so many things..
i have a weak stomach
that twists with butterflies
suddenly, i see another man ahead of me..
he just crossed the cross walk
and is now coming towards me..
reaching this sidewalk
perhaps he wants to shop at the supermarket.
he has a dog with him
this dog is on no leash
i forgot its breed
it wasn’t a big dog,yet it wasn’t tiny
just a medium sized dog,which was no threat to me as well
and didn’t frighten me
this man looks friendly at first,
and seems of no harm
a man in early 40’s it seems
but as he gets closer..
i see his face a lot more clear
with dirt smeared allover it
he seems homeless,like he hasn’t bathed in days..
he looks aggressive and restless
the rings under his eyes,speak to me..
confessing how he hasnt slept in days.
i notice,him taking out a knife from his pocket..
a kitchen knife
the sun catches it,and it shines
i shake my head no,and panic..
i start to walk back..
once i notice he is staring right at me..
and he intends on hurting me with it
he gives me this horrid stare..
not talking his eyes off of mine
his eyes are black..
they are cold,and hollow
he feels so..evil
his presence overpowers any joy i once had.
crushing my comfort
and leaving me with fear and despair.

i turn around to the one i love,
and run to him now,instead of ever running from him..
i call out his name and cry
and he walks faster towards me..
hes getting closer..
and closer,when i feel the man with the knife,grab me by my wrist..
i try to get away..
but hes got me in such a strong hold..
he takes this knife and slits above my knee
its deep,and theres blood everywhere
i endured a painful tear
i felt the burn within
now he throws me back on the grass
perhaps to rot with this wound in my leg..
and i cry in pain,grabbing my knee
the one i love comes,and kneels down beside me..
wrapping his arms,briefly around me..
calmly comforting me
wiping my tears gone,and telling me he will take a look at the cut in a minute..
he stands to his feet,and pulls out a gun..
only to shoot the man with the knife; in the face.
he doesn’t even say a word..
they just faintly meet each others eyes,
and then its as if i could hear him pull the trigger,
as the bullet flies.
the mans dog whines
and i can hear the sound of the mans slaughtered flesh hit the fragments of the grass
all went "splash",almost
his face turns to mush
made of chunks,and blood
did he blow his head off?
is his face unrecognizable?
i wouldn’t know.
i don’t look,because its to frightening..
but my ears can tell it all..
my ears start to burn with the following silence..
i can tell he is staring down at what he had just done,calmly..
without the slightest of guilt
and not an ounce of regret
how can he keep so collected?
i would of fallen apart if i had just taken someones life..
i would of succumbed to hysterics,
but he seems so strong about this all..
then i feel his eyes on me
i dont know what to expect
am i silly for still wondering if he will yell at me for following him?
My lover puts the gun in his jacket,
and then picks me up
carrying me somewhere safe
i wrap my arms around his neck,
resting my head on his shoulders..
i close my eyes,
squeezing them tightly shut
i smell the warm scent of his cologne..
i feel safe,
as my tears dry
i begin to wonder why i ever cried..
an hour later,and
I dont know where we are,
but we are in a bedroom of some sort
it doesnt look like a childs room
not a boys,or a girls
for if it was a girls..
i know it would be smothered in pink,makeup,dolls,dollhouses,and feminine playsets
and if it was a boys,it would be covered in action figures,video game posters,cars,and toy race car centers.
this room looked more mature,and plain
normal,in colors
but for some reason,this room felt like it was mine..
im sitting on the carpet
staring down at my leg,which is now covered with a bandage
then i feel him sit beside me
his warm hands,rubbing my shoulder
and i grow weak
i feel my face become warm
i hope i’m not blushing
i dont want him to see
we start to talk about alot of things
i cant recall the specific subjects,
but all varied
all were happy and flirtatious
i felt more comfortable than i had ever,with him
the world felt so happy,when he was sitting beside me
i felt like i could tell him everything,
i felt like i have known him forever
i could get lost in his eyes,
his beautiful eyes..
and i die alittle inside,everytime i see him smile..
i die,in a good way though
a way so hard to explain
he overwhelms me with his looks,and physical appearance

i lay down, on my back..
he does the same
we stare up at his cieling
and continue to talk about things
simple things
that seem so divine,when talking about them with him..
then he makes me laugh
i cant stop
i sit up a bit,and then rest back down on the palm of my hand
proped up by my elbow
i stare down at him and smile
he does too,
but then his face slowly drops,and he bites his lip
his eyes sort of shimmered alittle
he sits up abit too,and kisses me..
our lips lock and i feel his wet tongue slide into my mouth
i want to moan,but i cant..
it feels good.. it feels right..
ive been waiting to feel this for so long
i dont know if i should smile,or cry
that is how long ive wanted this
i dont know how to kiss
i can sense he feels my embarrassment
i know he knows i’m unsure of myself
and on what to do
for the movement of his tongue intimidates me..
overpowers mine
his lips seem so experienced,
and yet.. mine just sorta stand still and naive.
i try to move along with his motion,
kissing back..
but his just keep getting harder
and more forceful,so i try to keep up
try to remind him im just as passionate about him
my instinct is natural,yet my nervs cause it to feel blank.
i start to back away alittle
i know he feels it,
so he quickly presses the back of my head forward,into him..
as if he is telling me he isnt done..
my heart patters and palpitates
its racing through my chest
its skipping so many beats
i’m growing warm and very dizzy,in a soothing way
i dont mind this weak sensation
i dont care if im vulnerable
at this moment,i know he will take care of me
and he wont use the power he has over me,against me..
then i finally pull away from his lips,
to breathe,almost
and i look into his eyes
i want to laugh,but i dont want to laugh,
i want to smile,but i dont want to smile
i want to cry, but i dont want to cry..
i just sit there,looking into him..and hes looking back at me..
i can feel my lips tingle,and i can still taste him
my tongue pulsates for his
he smiles a bit,and asks if i liked it
i moan alittle,because i cant seem to speak properly,and i told him i loved it..
my nervs are shot
my patience,are gone
im so eager for him
i feel hot,yet cold at the same time
calm,yet rushed
i want to feel him more than anything
and then he rolls over ontop of me,
gently pressing me onto my back..
i lie there
hes ontop of me now
i feel his strength over power me
hes so much stronger than me
and i get scared at the thought of the physical harm that could be done to me
but i trust him,so i calm
i know he wouldnt ever hurt me like that..
i want to moan again,because i can feel him rub against me
we have never been this close before
his hands grope my sore chest
he squeezes my small breasts,
i tell him i like it
i begin to quiver with the way his hands run over my skin
im scared,but there is no time for fear
i cant think about anything but him,
and i cant concentrate on anything but the way he is looking at me
i see filth in his eyes
i can tell he lusts for me
just like i lust for him
but behind this heating lust,is not only desire for physical affection
but also,love
i know he loves me as much as i love him
and this causes me to relax more,and become less tense

he starts to unbutton my top
i feel alittle scared,but i then lose myself in his eyes and forget about that fear
i dont know what i was thinking..
but my hands start to wander below..
between his legs,and i’m touching the bulge in his pants
he smiles a bit,and leans in,then kisses me on the side of my face
his kisses are so warm and comforting
i can tell he thought i was cute for doing that
or silly,almost.
he notices i’m frantic,and tunes his attention onto his pants
he unzips them,and pulls them down a bit..then he suddenly puts his body weight on me..
pinning me into the hard ground
he breathes on my neck,and bites me..
teasing me,he whispers,"relax..."
he knows i’m excited,but he plays with my patience
i know he seeks pleasure out of my every squirm and whine
i feel weak and dizzy
everything behind him is a blur,
hes the only one i can see
my vision shifts every now and then
all i see,is desire
all i see is despair
his hands pull off my underwear
and his lips quickly meet mine
theres that tongue,again..
i’m getting used to it
even though this is only the 2nd time of kissing him,
it feels good
it feels familiar
i can do this everyday,
every minute..
he quickly shoves himself inside of me,and i gasp..even through his intentional kisses
that first thrust hurts the most
but it feels good as well
he is clever..
his tongue mutes my scream..
moments pass
and i wake upon a pillow that is on the floor
im weak,but relaxed
everything feels good
i feel warm between my legs,
but i start to throb and ache down there
i dont remember what happened
i must of dozed off into a deep sleep afterwards
he had placed a blanket over me,
maybe he wanted me to stay warm
would it bother him if i was ever cold?
he is sweet..
and i start to smile
i look down and my top is still unbuttoned
my firm chest,poking out from within
im completely exposed,but i dont mind
the sight of my naked body,reminds me of how he was so deep inside of me..
i start to get warm again,and i tingle between my legs
i should stop thinking about this now,before i excite myself
i get on my knees and button up my shirt
looking around the room for him,but he isnt here

to be continued.
when i think long and hard about the rest of what happend.

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