Saturday, January 10, 2009

Stop holding back your tears.

Written on:Thursday, July 17, 2008

you know when you sometimes get a certain emotion..and you just KNOW that you have to overcome it?
You just KNOW that you have to go with it?flow with it? you know that you shouldn't ignore or neglect it..or push it away,because it would almost be unhealthy of you to do so?..If you go on with your day..ignoring this certain emotion,It could almost frustrate you even more....even though enduring this certain emotion,is sometimes so severely painful on its own.

still,the thought of keeping it inside you..or covering it up,almost suffocating it..would make you explode.

you know you have to let this hurt take its a contamination in a river. let it run.let it flow,theres no way of scooping out its entire infection,with just a tiny kitchen spoon.theres far to much of it anyway,and it would be impossible for you to cleanse yourself that way. So you have to be strong,brave,and committed to this. If this emotion was a knife,you have to let it slit you.if this emotion was an ocean,you have to let it drown you.if this emotion was a gun,you'd have to let its bullet shoot you.if this emotion was a poisoned liquid ,you'd have to let it slowly slide down your throat. if this emotion was a noose,you'd have to hang your neck up high,and if this emotion was a rapist,you'd have to let it penetrate you.

no matter how much you bleed,suffocate,drown,hemorrhage,burn,sting,ache,strain,strangle,or beg it to stop.
you just know that you need to face this certain emotion.
theres almost something pure,and natural about it.
even though its so ghastly and grim
you know that it wont kill you
even if it hurts so much,at first.
you know that in some way..somehow..someday,overcomming this emotion,will have its advantages.enduring this emotion,bravely,and going through this..will help you.

I feel this way,sometimes.

I think about him..
I think about what we could of been.
a horrible sensation comes over me..
but theres a faint, pleasurable little tingle that stings with it
and i cant block it out
a part of me wants to
but the other part of me just KNOWs this emotion is begging to be felt.
some feelings are just needed to be felt,in least thats what i think.
you have to cry,in order to laugh
frown,in order to smile,
cut,in order to heal
break,in order to mend

so i let this feeling overpower me
overcomming me
intimidating me
slipping through my sheets at night
filling up my mind,in the day
waking me from a nightmare,in the morning
I greet this
i embrace this
it hurts,but in a bittersweet way
it has its positives,hidden somewhere amongst the negative
it almost feels good,sometimes
to know i lost him,to know i'll never speak to him again
to know that hes a human being that i will never ever get to love,kiss,hug,or even shake hands with.

there wont ever be another man like him.
not because he was significant,(because he really wasnt,in reality)
and not because of how cruel he was (because thats not the memory of him,that i choose to keep,i hold nothing against him)
but just because..he was him.he was who he was,no matter what.
he will always remain in his flesh,voice,interests,pain,fears,desires,urges,fantasies,nightmares,choices....
those specific things of his,will always make him up and there will never be another person like him
there wont ever be another him.
just like how there wont ever be another me
or another you

no one can ever replace us
no matter how much they may remind us of ourselves
or wear the same clothes as we do,
listen to the same music as we do..
we're ourselves.we always will be.
even if you follow trends, or sacrifice whoever you REALLY are,just to fit into some popular highschool "clique".
you still are yourself,buried deep underneath that artificial personality.underneath your hundreds of're you.

sometimes i get brave
when i listen to his favorite song(s).. my knees get throat tightens.i get so angry that i could punch a wall,and i almost want to hold my tears back..until i realize..why am i doing this?why am i degrading,violating and abusing the will of my own emotions?they want to be released,so i should just release them.and then tears start to roll down my cheeks.. i'll suddenly come across a song i once dedicated to him,or a tv show on television,that he always used to watch..and i'll think of him.. but instead of wishing i didnt,i just..embrace this fucking feeling.
the thought of keeping it inside me..or covering it up,almost suffocating it..would make me expload.

i miss you,but its ok to know that youre gone now.
It makes me smile,in a sad way.
it makes me frown,in an optimistic way.

youve taught me so fucking much.
so much about love,about the world..and more importantly,about myself.
At least youve done "one good thing right",right?

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