Saturday, January 10, 2009

What I Want.(more than ANYTHING):

Written on:Monday, September 22, 2008

a nice lolita romance

so hard to explain

like the cracking morning sunlight,
hopeful bits of surviving sunshine
creeking in,from behind and in between the window curtain
slipping through your sheets
crashing through the room
shattering upon the wooden floor
into different pieces,allover the place
warm,orange light.

so this is what you call happiness.

red lipstick smeared accross his rough neck
ouch,he needs to shave again.

i'll fall out of bed,and stumble a bit until i make it to my feet once more,
whew,i can walk. Im sorry for being so loud on this floor,trying not to wake you.

i let go of the stained sheets,and become bare

blood allover the walls
as i walk towards the bathroom,shadows fall
self loathing stares in a mirror
at how blank i look
but then i remember how sweet his voice had sounded
and how genuine he seemed,when he complimented my flat chest.

i like what we have.
i like what we've made,together.

clean,yet allover the place and "dirty".
yet stern and strong
unbreakable,unable to comprehend or understand
thrilling,sometimes painful
elegant,intellectual.strange,and wrong,oddly sexual
immoral,sinful,unethical,unlogical, most, it wouldnt seem "normal'
to some,it may even seem sick.
He talks to me like I'm made of porcelain,but he mauls me like I'm made of piled rags

cigarettes,high waisted shorts,and black knee highs
Messy hair,and suit and ties
red heart shaped glasses,my daddies top hat, and desireful stares
maybe even in your wifes bed.
maybe even playing next to your little girls dolls,or against your boys trainset.

He likes beethoven,mozart and bach too
Hes real good at english lit,every day he teaches me new words.
he plays me songs on his piano
i never had a piano,
my mother could never afford one
i like to watch him lose himself
and I start to become weak
when he starts to sing my name aloud
ive never been this loved before
he does it better than the other boys at school
theres no way that i could ever compare the sensation he gives me

i feel so on fire,i always feel like i'm flying
theres so much beauty within his black rimmed glasses
more so,instead of the immaturity found within my best friends new convertable.the one he always brags about,the one he claims is so
"far out".

or the "smooth yawning move" at a movie theater
its so last hour ago.

i want something more
and thats when i think of him
and how excited i get,when he places his strong hands at the tip of my chin,
then he brushes it against my cheeks
my eyes could roll into the back of my head
i could faint.

he tells me stories of when he was a boy
and how he used to dirty his knees,and tear his corduroy overalls
just like how i stain my dresses,in the front yard soil
I see my present self in the little tales of his past self
but i wouldnt change him for the world
even if im curious to know the purity within him,
because its almost like a whole other person,when you really think of it.
who you are in childhood,verses who you become as you progress inside this universe.
but i dont even feel like building a time machine to visit his childish self.
i love him the way he seems now

i sit by the windowsill,my hand placed in my palm
all attention on him
and the handsome enthusiasm,
the overwhelming charm
i love how his eyes sparkle
such a neon blue.

i love him the way he is

touch me again,mr.
tell me you love me
chase me through this abandoned,vacant house
come closer,move near me
adore me,be with me,lets connect into a world we can create
fuck the rules.because we'll both be dead,someday.

I love the way you bruise me
I love the way you slam me against the walls,
i love the way I crash onto the living room floor,
I fall directly onto the mat below
i love how you lay above
we rollover and struggle
andi cant stop laughing,to catch my breath

all these marks on my body,
cuts from our daily foreplay
leaves my thighs aching
leaves my insides steaming
leaves my body tingling
its such a thrill
to have to make up excuses to the teachers at school
and lie to my girlfriends whenever we have slumber parties
and they ask about the gothic colored gash across my knee

I like to teach him things too
I remind him of his past
I remind him of the innocence that most people lose with time
The child deep within us all
That sometimes dies with bitterness,and having to pay taxes,
Well I bring his alive.

theres no furniture here
its so empty here
in your countryside cabin
look outside,kiss the morning dew
check to see if today,they have come for you?
Well,i wont let them.i'll protect you.
they cant stop me from loving you.
they cant stop you from slipping inside of me.
until you strain,with every whimper of mine
as i'm pinned from underneath you
with every moan,cry,and as I squirm,everytime
as I struggle,and as you sweat
your face breaks pink
and mine turns the color of a ghost.

its so hollow here.
We need to hang up a few pictures
its so white here
have you spent all your hours ..painting the inside of this place, pale?
How many more coats of that shade could you possibly need?
But I love to run my hands over these walls
I feel so safe,with you
And I love to sit and watch the spider webs in the corners
their colors,grim grey and black
at first glance,they symbolize darkness
and wretchedness almost like a snake would,
as it slithers across the garden floor
its actions,mock lies and slander
deception and sneakiness
they are just like serpants,in crisp relation.
or the glorious satan.

but well to me,the spiders
seem shy,and sweet
Some dangle from underneath the window pane
I turn my head in curiosity and confusion
Like a tiny puppy would,whilst attempting complex comprehension
Have they found love too?
Like the way ive found you?

show me that thing you taught me last night.
tell me honestly,do you think I did it right?

wouldnt it be wonderful to be iin love with someone who knew math better than you do? for when you get stuck in confusion,he could simply tutor you.
he could bake you the cookies you always adore,just like your mom used to
and when you want that pretty new dress,he can buy it for you.
he could be a bit of everything
whatever you want him to be
in between the abusive stepdad and the average prince charming.

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