Thursday, November 29, 2012

Little girl heart.

"I only want to share new things.
New stories and pieces.
I don't wanna do ever what I failed at before.
I just want to make it new with you.
I just want to make it new with you"

Saturday, November 10, 2012 you're opinionated, AND you have tits?....

     The world stereotypes and confines personalities into little boxes because they cannot fathom the possibility..actuality of anything beyond the ordinary...fearful of what pushes boundaries, and rebels against your mental standards/ or... "norm".  Psychologically, If I appear a certain way physically, you have automatically made your judgments about me.... even if its subconsciously. And anything I say in defense or justification will seem fictional...imitative. phony... because, I have already left a bad taste in your mouth. You know... the whole first impressions are critical, bit.

     So... truthfully.. if you meet me in a club when I'm bleach blonde and my breasts are pushed up to my chin,and i'm dancing about- flipping my hair... you've obviously pinned me, mentally. Or at least you think you do...(even though we all obviously have intricate layers, pasts, figments and strands of depth that sum our identity... ) you have already rolled your eyes, and made your assumption that I'm "just like the others"...and theres nothing I can really say, do, or express that will "unroll" them and wipe the slate clean of your accusations...            EVEN if you catch me in the library a week later, my hair dyed back naturally brunette...wrapped in a sweater, no contacts- in doofy glasses with my head buried in a book. It's hard to believe when I was only 16, I dreamed of pursuing a Quantum physics major, or I have listened to Marilyn Manson since age 11. It's kind of annoying... people live their life without really...SEEING..... feeling....anything past technicalities, TYPOS, harmless paradoxes, or ANYTHING,at all..

  I have passed judgments myself, we all do to an extent, even slightly... even unknowingly... we are kind of wired this way. But I live in a society where it seems ridiculous..silly,even ...for an attractive FEMALE to have a BRAIN... and use her intellect.

     A lot of people flat out, BLATANTLY just REJECT the "surreal" possibility that a pretty girl/model girl/provocative female... or even slightly attractive female at that matter, can truly behold substance.  For a lot of reasons. Sure, one of them being -its not that they judge a book by its cover.. but reversed...the tree by its fruit. When you are so used to seeing so many blue cars, you can't help but assume the next one driving by will be blue as well.   And then on the other hand, maybe it has nothing to do with your experience- Maybe its because our minds , by nature, just simply cannot correlate knowledge and beauty, all together, at once. ..for any reason. Maybe its too much to understand.... we can accept someone LESS beautiful as having more "brains" because its easier to relate to the sincerity of the scenario... Rather, taking information from someone more beautiful.... perhaps their stimulating "looks" leaves them more questionable.... maybe we link beauty with deceit.. transparency.. and fiction,again.  What makes me tuck away my pride and honestly question whether i'd rather look like a gargoyle, but be taken seriously... or continue existing on as a decent/attractive/visually appealing human being but constantly be taken for granted. ;)   It's entertaining in a way. I don't know what my honest answer would be...

   There's the surface of me, that shrugs my shoulders..throws out my middle finger, and says "fuck it" as I apply my red lipstick, curl my hair and zip up the back of my own dress. If people don't "see" me .. for me... if they don't "understand" me for me, and if they want to judge me by my cover, shove my own words down my throat, or stick labels allover my body...that's their problem... because I am confident with the person I am... and I know what is true about me, and what is just absurdly false.

  But then there's that other side.... that thinks..when I die.. I would truly want to be remembered..for my words... my spirit... my energy... my thoughts... my HEART...rather than .... my looks... my legs... my tits...and if I am not projecting that message loud enough, maybe Its by fault on my part.

 Even marilyn monroe had an incredibly electric, enticing PERSONA and energy about her that made viewers question.... wan't to learn more...

 a "mystery"... maybe.. I don't know.

 Maybe its that wailing artist from within..that crucial inspire and aspire....

 create create creategretwtjiowtjwjw ku36820621t,wmtjeyey

 Yes, I wear heels.. That doesn't mean I won't take them off and dance in the middle of the street with you at night.

  What would you rather be.... perceived as...? Does it even matter to you???...

 ugly...ordinary..  but an " infamous" brainiac ,if you will.. known for knowledge
or glamorous... beautiful...flawless ..ICONIC... but mistaken for stupid.. ?

Monday, November 5, 2012

"Would you forgive me, if I said I was sorry?"

 I have tried to forget... but I can't. 

No one can compare...
to your darkness.
to your mystique. 

you remind me of the cold sting of winter...
your peculiar taste still in my mouth
the restless steadiness of your eyes
the rhythm of your hot breath on my neck
the lines and cracks of your large hands...
repressive, expressive

the sound of your tainted heart beat,
the texture of the mattress... 
the curse on your mouth...
 I felt it...
I saw it...
I drank it...
you warned me, but I didn't care. 
 I knew it was there, but I kept going...True Alice, and I never once hesitated. 

the chaos of our silence 
The pain makes us addicts
falling asleep in your arms
wishing I never met you
thankful I know you

my hands tugging at my own hair,
suffocating on tears...
laughing until my stomach knots and contracts
my heart fell into my stomach the first time you touched me.
 I can still feel your bruises..
I can still see where you left your crimson bite marks... 
and no one has been able to leave a mark as dark, ever since. 

No one could ever be,..
so articulate. 
so silent.
so compassionate. so sadistic.

 I never knew anything so rough, beautiful, disheveled, delicate. 

 you are dominant, twisted, submissive, elegant.

 so "me", so opposite. 
 so flawed, so perfect...

 falling in and out of decomposition...
 I tried to catch you, but you just dragged me by my hand onto the tracks...
and I dont know if you noticed, but I never pulled away...  

you remind me of,... 

 exhausting summers
lace against my sweat... 
heart shaped sunglasses and horror films...
when you made me so anrgy that i cut off all my hair.. 
butterflies so wild in your stomach they almost tear through flesh

you remind me of long walks and long talks..
being lifted and pressed up against walls..
you remind me of second chances...
you remind me of torn up letters
talking until we're delirious and the heat from your phone burns the side of your face...
falling asleep to the sound of you breathe..

my own innocence... its gone, but you remind me of ..
the last time I trusted and loved 

insomnia, pyromania. 

 cemeteries, beaches, and all the above. 
That stupid rugged backpack...
my infamous red jacket. 

the smell of morning coffee and the stain of red lips...
spines and bones... and little girl clothes..
the sharpness of nails 
claw like down your spine...
the breeze of autumn..
the way you sang to me...
playing guitar,and NYC. 
nouvelle vague.
the scar on your chest...

 No one could ever understand.
 There were no words..
there was no touching...
we just became,and always will be.

 being with you,
you were always my outterbody experience. 
That electricity,
that drama..
the type of passion
that everyone craves
 the hatred, the clashing conflict 
the form of adrenaline they write about... 
i felt it.

 you are so strange,
and its not my choice in keeping this window open..
Ive paced and paced... only to finally run far away..
but something brings me back to where Ive started. 

 I'll never forget.... 

Sunday, November 4, 2012


                               Its easy for me to find acquaintances, but hard to keep them. 

 So easy to small talk, (though I hate this) but so almost impossible to find that person that you can effortlessly and fluidly just pour out all your secrets, thoughts..even Beliefs/ general feelings to..

It's so easy to quickly respond with an "I'm okay...or "its fine" these days instead of open.... raw... HONESTY.

we are all hiding behind these kid-like masks, fearful of being stabbed and let down, again...
 This makes me think of.. standards. 

   I used to think standards where egotistical, superficial, childish, vain, overall ridiculous, and frankly- bitchy...

 Then, I realized... no... its all in how high you've raised your bar, who is raising it, and their overall intentions of doing so.

 To set standards for one self, is flat out self respect.
 Its to appreciate your self worth enough and everything you want and deserve.

 To somewhat skillfully match yourself with actual joy instead of impatiently pinning against just any random/ self- proclaimed ephemeral MOMENT....    ugh...takes... rationality... patience... and great prioritization which I really lack.. (but am working towards)

 So, standards are good in my book. (As long as you aren't some ditsy, money- hungry, box hair-dyed sloth rolling your mac smokey eyes at every guy who doesn't drive a Ferrari.

  Life is what you make it, and your company is by choice. You are entitled to who you reject and welcome into your heart.

 We are such impulsive, emotional creatures that we don't stop and take the time.. (or in my case, to overlook those masochistic tendencies and for once CARE to take the time) to read red flags, or realize that no, we cannot truly control everything or most things in our worlds... but we can work on free will and filter through what we CAN control, in hopes to creating a more positive future for ourselves.

 Lets face it, our company is our ambiance and though its great to float in and out of the conscious affect that our environments bind us to...reality is... we ARENt invincible  and sometimes our atmosphere is a vessel for all of our bliss, triumphs, restrictions and annoyances, in one.

 The energy you bask in, really impacts your life..and I have personally found myself slowly and unknowingly camouflaging to my surroundings, many times... that's the worst.

Regardless of what others think of me, I'm in a sense.. NOT the same girl I was 4 years ago.. (none of us are)... 3 years ago...and certainly not 2 years ago.

 Ive grown to realize:

  •  Just because you want something, doesn't mean its good for you or that you should necessarily obtain it. 

  •  Just because someone LOOKS good, doesn't mean they do on the inside.. (or hold anything worth seeking from within, at that matter) 

  •  Its CRUCIAL to accept others for who they currently ARE (even if they have potential to better or worsen in the future) rather than fixating on the perception of who they COULD be.. I think that mindset could save like, 99% of girls hearts from breaking. that.. " I can fix and change HIM!" attitude that makes me gag. 

  • I would DEFINITELY rather be "unhappy alone,than unhappy with someone.." 

  •  and Lastly, I learned that its completely OKAY for some things to not work out ...

Its beautiful, in a way..
and should not be dreaded
or mourned like the expressions of theater and the  media tend to bitter sweetly glamorize it to be.
(then again, everyone is entitled to their own growth and ..."winding" roads I guess..
 Mourning is beautiful too, dont get me wrong.. on its own.. Its a process... its truly a mental evolution. Its so... delicate and absolutely natural. The bad thing with that, is its addictive... (but thats a whole other topic I could ramble about... )

  I have no idea why I'm sitting here, documenting, "journal-ing"  this.. :P