"oxygen."

                               Its easy for me to find acquaintances, but hard to keep them. 

 So easy to small talk, (though I hate this) but so almost impossible to find that person that you can effortlessly and fluidly just pour out all your secrets, thoughts..even Beliefs/ general feelings to..

It's so easy to quickly respond with an "I'm okay...or "its fine" these days instead of open.... raw... HONESTY.

we are all hiding behind these kid-like masks, fearful of being stabbed and let down, again...

 This makes me think of.. standards. 

   I used to think standards where egotistical, superficial, childish, vain, overall ridiculous, and frankly- bitchy...

 Then, I realized... no... its all in how high you've raised your bar, who is raising it, and their overall intentions of doing so.

 To set standards for one self, is flat out self respect.
 Its to appreciate your self worth enough and everything you want and deserve.

 To somewhat skillfully match yourself with actual joy instead of impatiently pinning against just any random/ self- proclaimed ephemeral MOMENT....    ugh...takes... rationality... patience... and great prioritization which I really lack.. (but am working towards)

 So, standards are good in my book. (As long as you aren't some ditsy, money- hungry, box hair-dyed sloth rolling your mac smokey eyes at every guy who doesn't drive a Ferrari.

  Life is what you make it, and your company is by choice. You are entitled to who you reject and welcome into your heart.

 We are such impulsive, emotional creatures that we don't stop and take the time.. (or in my case, to overlook those masochistic tendencies and for once CARE to take the time) to read red flags, or realize that no, we cannot truly control everything or most things in our worlds... but we can work on free will and filter through what we CAN control, in hopes to creating a more positive future for ourselves.

 Lets face it, our company is our ambiance and though its great to float in and out of the conscious affect that our environments bind us to...reality is... we ARENt invincible  and sometimes our atmosphere is a vessel for all of our bliss, triumphs, restrictions and annoyances, in one.

 The energy you bask in, really impacts your life..and I have personally found myself slowly and unknowingly camouflaging to my surroundings, many times... that's the worst.


Regardless of what others think of me, I'm in a sense.. NOT the same girl I was 4 years ago.. (none of us are)... 3 years ago...and certainly not 2 years ago.

 Ive grown to realize:

•  Just because you want something, doesn't mean its good for you or that you should necessarily obtain it. 

•  Just because someone LOOKS good, doesn't mean they do on the inside.. (or hold anything worth seeking from within, at that matter) 

•  Its CRUCIAL to accept others for who they currently ARE (even if they have potential to better or worsen in the future) rather than fixating on the perception of who they COULD be.. I think that mindset could save like, 99% of girls hearts from breaking. that.. " I can fix and change HIM!" attitude that makes me gag. 

• I would DEFINITELY rather be "unhappy alone,than unhappy with someone.." 

•  and Lastly, I learned that its completely OKAY for some things to not work out ...

Its beautiful, in a way..
and should not be dreaded
or mourned like the expressions of theater and the  media tend to bitter sweetly glamorize it to be.
(then again, everyone is entitled to their own growth and ..."winding" roads I guess..
 Mourning is beautiful too, dont get me wrong.. on its own.. Its a process... its truly a mental evolution. Its so... delicate and absolutely natural. The bad thing with that, is its addictive... (but thats a whole other topic I could ramble about... )

  I have no idea why I'm sitting here, documenting, "journal-ing"  this.. :P

  goodnight!