Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What I dont understand.

Sometimes good minds get bad grades.

Its been a bit since I last blogged.
I just got home last night,
This will probably be an aimless ramble,but oh well.

Ive been learning alot more about life,
with everyday that passes..
something more is understood..
Something else is taken in.
Another struggle,nurtured
Just as another agony and hardship is succumbed to.

But sometimes I just cant grasp certain knowledge.

Tiny particles,to overwhelming moments.

I get scared because alot of people seem like cloned sheep.
Looking at me,saying things..
expecting me to nod in agreement,but I Dont..
I dont see any logic in what they say..
there is no BEAUTY in what they say..
it doesnt even make any sense.

I want to interrupt and voice my view,
I raise my hand and voice how wrong they are
but then they would all quickly turn to me,
with an evil stare and take me away

and then I look at him,and he seems ok..
Like its all alright
but It troubles me,really
I Wish he knew the headache I have
because of every face that passes me by
and every number im forced to memorize

so much up and down,
left and right
black and white

I can almost guess what they will next say,in daily conversation..
and I'm almost 98& correct when it comes to assuming their outlook or perception on certain things. Certain things that have to do with me,at least.

I dont judge,
I observe
and I turn my head back and forth,
taking notes
and feeling sad,feeling happy
no dinner,but a show
this life is so amusing.

Everyone is a character
Every line
Every play

But what I cant understand,

has nothing to do with my place
My personality
or age

I just feel this way

When I feel sad,I cant help it
when I cry,I cant help it.
I dont WANT to cry,
It just happens

When I'm envious,or nervous and worried..

It just comes to me,I have to feel it..

I feel it in my body,
Physically,it bleeds through me
Its not something that ticks at the door,waiting for me to open
Though I admit staring pain in the eyes and politely imposing it to have a seat.

I guess its natural.

I'll always have this to me,
I dont want to be another sheep.

Its an innocence.

I'm sorry you lost yours.

Dont tell me it will go away with age,
then i'd be as vile as the guy sitting across from me on the train.

And,Why do we focus on certain things,that we shouldn't focus on?

Why do we follow so many rules,

Well,What I'm saying..probably wont make any sense,

Nothing does.

Its a wonderland,of falling clocks and top hats on our feet..
walking upside down and eating tea.

Why do i have to follow rules?

Why do I have to wait?

why cant we just run away?

I know there needs to be law,because law brings balance.

Without law,there would be havoc..
well,More havoc than there already is,I suppose..At least.

more dysfunction.

But I wont go do drugs
or take off my clothes
I wont prostitute
or murder someone
I wont drink alot of alcohol
and get a DUI
I wont steal an apple
or pick a fight

so Why cant I have this love?
I dont understand

I'm not trying to hurt anyone
not you
not my mother
not god
not even myself

I just want smiles and warmth

so why do they all judge me

why would anyone judge us?

They dont understand.
I dont understand,because they cant understand.

why we focus on trying to prevent kissing
and try to protect people from happiness

we should live as we wish,
even make mistakes
to learn again
because I know i'm not entirely careful
and thats what makes me so pretty.

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