I live to write and create.
I wrote so much on myspace that I have decided to move all my blogs to this account instead.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I’m like a drug addict
Written on:Thursday, September 18, 2008
Current mood: high
Who doesnt care,and got off in the middle of writing this.
Would you love me more If I had something to offer you?
here,look.its my heart.Its not much,but at least its something.
Would you want me more,If I had your baby?
maybe it would give you a reason to visit me,even though you'd probably hold it in your arms,and rock it to sleep,instead of looking me in my eyes,anyway.
Would you crave me more,If I knew how to fuck really well? I'll start practicing on myself.
would you wake up,if you realized all the fucking damage that is being done,just as we speak?
take a peek,at my wrists,they aren't clean.
I cant breathe. The air is too thick.
I'm going insane.
People think im a drug addict. People think i'm taking drugs, and when the other junkies ask me what kind i'm on, I whisper your name.
Everything is lost,I'm falling,theres no one to catch me. no one cares any more,not even my family. People tell me to shut the fuck up,if i start crying. So I dont cry anymore,I keep it all inside but sometimes I cant help it,and I feel like i'm about to fucking seize from keeping it all inside,my face swells and my bones collapse i'm on the floor,needing more
I thought about running away today,but I realized It would accomplish nothing. i'm stuck here,held captive here.I feel like the world is keeping me from you, i feel like a lab rat,a little experiment of god and hes looking down at me,watching me through a ginormous magnifying glass, hes a scientist,taking notes on his love deprived subject,experiment.
how much longer until I finally die,good old lord?
Everytime I feel one step closer to you, something has to step right in front of me,in the way.,and I then scream "MOTHERFUCKER!! are you fucking kidding me??!"
Theres litterally gates beyond my house,surrounding this entire neighborhood. the more I stare at them,the more I begin to think they were built just to keep me in.
I need to see you. I need to feel you. I need to feel you all around me,inside me,within me.bleeding through me. like fear,like pain,like happiness i need to feel the sensation of you,flow through my viens,and run in my blood
I dont care about what happens to me anymore I just care about you.
I cant leave from here. Where would i even go? I dont want to die. but I dont want to live stuck in between sorrow and happiness
i'm not suicidal, i just rot in this type of pain almost like a pig rolling around in mud I'm used to feeling worthless its all comming back to me again i'm relapsing,I need my high,my fix.
dont get me wrong, this life could be so beautiful if only she disappeared into a fucking ditch somewhere after we bury our gloves and skip off into the sun
I dont care about what happens to me anymore I just care about you
tell me to crawl,and i'm already on the floor. Tell me to steal,and the mask is already on my face glued,and everything,ready to take whatever you need.
tell me to kill,and I'll ask you to teach me how to use a gun but tell me to wait,and I'll end up breaking and bleeding baby,dont you know how dangerous addicts become?
I bleed for you. I'm dying for you. I'll do anything,for you. I just cant stay in this pain.
would you respect me more,if I pretended to be stronger? in that case,I dont need you any longer.
would you chase after me,if I walked away? if so,fuck you. I'm leaving.
Would you care,if I told you I stopped caring,yesterday? well then,I already forgot your name.
would you call back,if I hung up in the middle of you telling a joke? sorry,My phone just so happened to die.
would you end her,if I told you i was going to end myself? I'm slipping away,my love.quick! look! I'm fading.
I need to feel something real. No one feels real. strangers in the street,their faces all dark and bleak fuzzy and distorted, their lips are where their ears should be and their eyes are floating
I dont feel real.I just need my drug.lift me up,let me soar.
youre the only one who feels real.youre the only one who ever made me feel anything,before.
Youre the only one who can bring me back to life. when I think of you,I feel so fucking alive.
I feel so high.
I feel so crazy
I know youre bad for me
I dont even think we are going to go anywhere, I dont even think you can make me happy,anymore can you? prove it to me.show me.what am I fighting for?
I know i'm stupid for loving you. So many people have told me so. I know i'm wrong,youre like a drug and when my therapists asks me what i'm on, i'm going to whisper your name.