Saturday, January 10, 2009

I don't care anymore.


fuck,i'm redoing my life. I'm trying to reach out,into the "dangerous/scary" world beyond me. I was raised in such a fear oriented family,and household,where you werent allowed to take a walk down the street by yourself,because you'll get raped and murdered. Or you werent allowed to sleepover your best friends house,because their dadddies will molest you in your sleep. Ok. Yeah. Strange? Yet my family always would talk to me about the "good old days" and how when THEY Were children,the world was a better place.things were safer,more simple. They would talk about how they would walk like 15 blocks to school and back,everyday. How everyone in the neighborhood was so caring,and looked out for eeachothers children.or how strawberry taffy would only cost like a penny. and you know what i think ? no. Fuck that. Life is how you create it. Ok. Security and saftey is all a state of mind,its all in your head. My mom was raised up in bad neighborhoods in brooklyn,new york. She tells me horrible stories of the fights she had got into ,but she was still alive back then,and she wasnt operating on fear,she was living off of ambition and the endless struggle to actual live and not give up.then she moves,and lives here for about 10 years,raises me... and everything is so much more contained,and mellow.theres no culture,and its slow. people out here almost seem retarded compaired to "high strung new yorkers". So now what? she says she fears more than she has ever in her entire life.Why? because I guess she just acclimated to the slowness of here. She let it over come her and mold her,instead of HER taking the slowness as an advantage on HER part,and molding IT instead.

Thus,security and safety is just a fucking state of mind. if she felt safe and confident in an environment where girls used blades and ripped hoop earings out of each others ears for apparently "lookin at eachothers man",then why doesnt she feel safe and confident here,in a decent neighborhood,where everyone has cable television and ACs?!!!

So,I am angry because I have been raised to think that the world is a vile,dangerous place and we should be scared to death and piss our pants. Therefor,of course,however I was raised,has rubbed off on me,and effect me.I'm scared to do alot of things. I Dont know why,its part of my S.A. disorder. IS this a learned behavior or hereditary ? Panic disorder DOES run in my family,very heavily. My mother and grandma both suffer from it. but I think they take that disorder,focus on the negative out of it and then almost "pass it down" to all of the rest of us,by magnifying it,and truely believing that what they are all afraid of,actually exists or will come true! thus,it is pretty much partically a LEARNED BEHAVIOR on my part,as well!If they keep believing that,and focusing on it,they may just fucking jinx themselves,anyway.As I may quote, and the pussy cat dolls could not of been more correct: "be careful what you wish for,because you just might get it.Yeah,just might get it". HAHA ok Sorry,I had a moment of humor. ;p I just had to.

but its a true statement!

my point is,I have so many fucking dreams,and inspirations.
I set up alot of goals for myself.some people mock me,others support me. Thats natural. I love it. compliment me,and I'll adore you forever. your words will uplift me,more than you know. Or doubt me,take me for granted,and I'll just prove you wrong. You wont ever forget how you doubted me. I dont care of what people tell me. I've come to the point where I'm surrounded by whatever i'm surrounded by,and theres nothing I can do about it. I dont associate with assholes,but they actually have molded me into thinking in the beautiful mindset I now think with.

So, I'm not going to be afraid anymore. Its scary,but I'm going to start talking with a psychologist,and i'm just going to push myself. I cant wait to move the fuck out of here and start my own life. My life doesnt even BEGIN until the day I am far away from my insane family! I love them all to DEATH,especially my mother,whos probably the only sane person out of the lunatic bunch,but even she gets on my nervs sometimes. Not because we fight,because we hardly ever fight,but its more because..she reminds me of my childhood.she symbolizes me being held captive in this abusive lifestyle,I call "childhood". she just reminds me of a part of myself that I hate.the unhappy,scared,lost,aimless,self loathing/doubting part of me that comes out every now and then,when i'm stuck at home and the world seems dark in my eyes.

I just want to get the hell out of here. get a job,Finish school,go to college. Study psychology,get a vocal coach,publish a few books,and start designing my own clothes.

I'd be happy. i'd feel something,instead of this "nothing" that I wake up,to every day.
I'll take a fucking bus,taxi,or car,without fear of like.. Idk.getting murdered or rejected by the driver. I'll actually be social and do things without my grandma warning me of some creepy,overreacted,full blown psychotic consequence.
We may not be able to control every single fucking situation in our lives,like shopping taxes,gas prices, how long we wait in line at the supermarket,of if our childhood is abusive or not,but happiness,security and safety are ALL states of minds.its all mental.emotional.psychological. we can be hopeful,get alot of help,(professional as well as talking to friends or people who support us) and then we can just fly away,and create our beautiful lifes. thats what I look at it.thats what I am going to do.

I dont care.tell me i'll make it,or tell me i'll fail.
doubt me,or believe in me.I dont care. youre here,i'm here,we'll all alive,and we'll all die. Life is what it is,and I'm going to twist the rules and neglect whatever negative energy stands in my way,because I just want to actually do something wonderful in life. Peace :D <3

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