Saturday, January 10, 2009

So many phobias

So many phobias.

The world is ran by fear. We are all consumed by this,yet we create on it as well. Its almost as if we have all brainwashed each other into thinking Fear has its pros and cons in its own existence. Of course theres a good side of fear,but its so fucking rare that people actually bring its good out,or "use"it to their advantage,and overpower it,create something magnificent out of it..instead of letting it overpower and create something warn down out of you.

Fear runs us,And yet fear nurtures us. We live upon this,yet we always run from this. It doesnt make much sense,to me.

Theres so many "no but.. I cant" or "what if..?" scenarios that make my mind bleed. It just rips into my thought process and fills it with poison. I can't live this way anymore. Everyones paranoia and phobias rub off on me ,and have an effect on me. If my grandma says that i'll die for taking a walk alone,and i'll end up raped and murdered,then I sorta believe her! I hate this.

I need to stop this way of thinking.Thats NO way to live life. Life itself,is DANGEROUS. the fact that we are ALL ALIVE,is a dangerous fact,alone! People dont realize how dangerous it really is,to be alive. but It certainly is.why? because anything that has the ability to birth,has the ability to end. Anything that is alive, is going to die. Anything that blooms,will wilt or rot. any light that is on,will fade or turn off. any music that plays,will come to an ending verse.

you know?

anything can happen to us,at any moment.

So life is one big huge,fucking risk entirely on its own.
living in a little protected shell forever,is no way to truely "live".
So when my grandma says that,it makes me want to push her out of a plane so she can like skydive and take some sort of risk or something. lol loool :P

we are all just wayy too scared to step out of our "safe zone".

Theres so much I fear, but I dont know how to break through this. the only time I do slightly "break through" is when I wake up in the middle of the night from having a horrible nightmare of the world ending.

Truth. I get these dreams wayy too much. Perhaps I'm just subconciously afraid that we will all die tomorrow,because I havent done the things I want to? because I just KNOW I havent lived my life to its "fullest" or to my satisfaction. Why? because of fear.

its taking over me.

Or maybe God is just giving me a sign about the world all soon going to end within the next couple of years,so he fills my dreams with flashes and visions of this. ;) ha. I am just kidding.

Sometimes.. I do wish that this world will end in 4 years. not because I Want to die. and not because I want you to die. but why do I wish this? so we all can finally break through . a FULL break through. something strong and powerful,something that will last. The death of fear. no relaspe moments. No ressurections haha. I just want it to end.

Just think about it..

If we ALL knew we were going to die in 3-4 years..the world would probably be a much more beautiful place. I suppose there will be some idiots who will think of stealing all the donuts they can fit in their pockets from donut shops,or people who will slap old ladies in the faces,as they try to cross the street,the "rebels" who will try to selfishly take over this planet. ahah. I joke. I joke.

but really.

i'm sure even THEY would come to realization,at some point as well!

If we all knew that this entire universe would end soon,we would live life differently.we could all overpower fear,and control our own lives.we could all manifest the most breathtaking moments of happiness and joy,and love.

I know I wouldnt be afraid anymore.

Would you be?

I wouldnt be afraid of my personal little phobias. Phone phobias,social anxiety, Excessive perfectionism. Its sickening.

It took me over 5 months alone,to let someone I really cared about,call me.
then the entire time of speaking to him,i was pretty silent.hah.Of course after a while of talking to him, I "warmed up" but I never got over my fear. I would panic all the time,even at the sight of the phone.

I'm too scared to go to the dentist because i'm afraid to death he will tell me i have been "lacking" on brushing and flossing,lately. Even though its something i'm pretty ocd on. ha. I just always feel too pressured,and my feelings break when people are disapointed in me,or see i'm.."failing." haha yeah,thats how i look at an entire visit at my dentists office! haha

Sometimes when I wake up,I just tell myself.."calm down,live today like theres litterally no tomorrow." and I try to.

It stops the stops the stops all the fear.I dont give a shit one bothers me. I dont care if you call me names in public,or mock me.. and i'm even alot more loving and nicer to my family,because life is beautiful,and I try to look at it this way,because.. tomorrow is going to"end". and we are all not going to be here.

other times,when i'm in a worse mood and that doesnt help and its too "unrealistic" or doesnt really convince me.. I just tell myself.. "we are all going to die in FOUR years!" hahaha

and that makes me feel a bit more better.because I know that It wont happen as sudden,and Its .. be frank,more "believable."

thats when I stop the fear.Its like I have control over myself,when i'm positive.but when i'm negative,and i tense up and cry and shake and have panic attacks,then Im almost GIVING into the fear,because i'm focusing on the negative,so i lose all my control and I cant stop it.

I just wish I knew how to forever "break through".since its not certain that the universe is going to end in 4 years, I try to use other ways to help me cease the fear within,but nothing really helps.

when will i break through?
sometimes it takes the bad in life,to push you along the way.
I think.."if one of my family members die,I wont give a shit anymore.I wouldnt be scared of a single thing,because of its tragedy".

but i know god forbid any of them die soon! I dont use their death as a selfish remedy, I just think of certain things that would really effect me,in a powerful way,so powerful enough to alter the rest of my outlook on the world.

and death,obviously effects ALL of our outlooks on life.
through bereavement depression,AND finally "getting over it" and moving on.

I dont know what i'm to do,about fear.I'm disgusted with it.its vile,and evil.its holding me back from so many things that I want to do in life. Theres an infinate definition of fear,I cant even begin to explain why i fear things..or the "symptoms" of it, so I wont. the word "fear" pretty much sums it up anyway.

I almost want to gag at the sound or sight of it.

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