Saturday, January 10, 2009

BE happy.

Written on:Monday, July 28, 2008

so, I used to think that life wasn't short.only peoples outlook and perspective on it,was quite limited,bland,or even "unappreciative".

Then I realized.. Life may not be short,but the people you love,the special people in it,may have a physically limited life and time with you.

[Although i do believe that if someone was told they are dying,and only have a certain amount of time left to live..they should live it to the fullest,make the most of it,and then it wouldnt seem as short,and you need something BAD to happen to you in life,in order to be grateful for every fucking second that passes.every moment you are breathing, even if you only have a short amount of time left to breathe,in general.]

Last night,my mom had to call 911 and go to the hospital in an ambulance ,because she thought she was having a heart attack. My stepdad called my house around 2 in the morning. When I heard the phone ring,I automatically knew it was trouble.either it was A] nick calling me,drunk.which i doubt he would be doing.or B] my mom.

it was my stepdad,close enough.

I could tell by the quivering sound in his voice,that something was wrong.i kept asking him what was wrong,and he was just breathing really heavily and telling me to quickly put my grandma on the phone because "mommy was really sick".

I was really scared, I immediately got dressed,even though I didnt get a chance to go with her to the hospital,because my grandpa went with her instead.

At that fucking moment,at that EXACT Second.. i realized.. Im not ready for my mom to die.
let alone,i'm not even ready for my DOG to die.i'm not ready for ANYONE to not ready to never ever fucking see that person,or animal again.

i think it would be just to much for me to bare.and I sat in silence,after getting the phone call..and instead of taking a panic attack,or crying..
i just..was really in a mellow shock. A really soft,silent external image.but a fucking chaotic,raging,confused state of mind within.

I just imagined what would life be like without my mom..if i found out she had died, would i react?would i cry?would i scream?would i pass out?
would i not be able to get over it?would i go into bereavement depression,until it progressed into something serious and I ended up taking my own life?

so many thoughts went through my eyes just kept looking around the room,frantically.. blinking,pausing..closing.. cuffing my face in my two hands, just thinking.

I could imagine myself getting the bad news,and then going into such a state of shock that i couldnt even cry over the loss of her.thats how much i love her.thats how hurt i would be.

i dont even think i would cry at the news of my mom "passing away". ever since i was little,i would always crack up laughing,nervously whenever i received bad news and then i'd also start having a panic attack that would send my body in severe waves of harsh shaking,and distress.

I then imagined that i would nervously giggle,in insanity..and denial at the sound of my mom being dead. I would be so out of touch with reality. I Would probably go into such a deep depression.

i wouldnt drink alcohol to numb my pain,i wouldnt do drugs to escape reality,i wouldnt go out partying to stop the hurt,and i wouldnt have sex with alot of guys to feel "Whole" again.I wouldnt need to do any of that,because i know i would feel nothing,without my mother. not even enough to cry.

perhaps i would shatter every now and then,over the memory of her.but i would seriously just fall into such a dark surreal state of mind.

My mom turned out to be ok,after all of this. She didnt have a heart attack,she was just freaking out into a very horrible,painful panic attack because she gets heart palpitations and was told that she has a mild heart condition in the past.

shes always so terrified of dying..shes always so scared of death,and if she will have a heart attack.but the night i got that phone call.. i just felt like telling her, "Dont worry.its going to be ok.calm down,god will take care of you." and that is so strange and rare for me to say,because i dont even know if i truely believe in god!

but that night,i just felt something come over me..something overwhelm me... and I just felt like there was a greater being,and life form amongst us all in my house that night. I just felt fucking shit..this is insane.I feel like there really is a god.maybe he really IS out there.

my whole point of this is,people should really cherish the ones they love.I know this may seem ,gay,corny,or even "Cliche" but i dont care about what you want to call it..At least be decent enough to say its the matter how you want to label this.I dont just say this,to sound "Smart" or "positive" i say this because i litterally felt this way, last night. It was very fucking scary,and its the first thing to ever really open my eyes in a very long time.

You would be scared too,if things have been good for the last week and you just heard from your mom in the day,and then all of the sudden at 2 oclock in the morning,your step dad calls you and sounds all nervous and panicking,and tells you that your mom is really sick and he just called 911.

IT was so fucking random,and caught me off guard.i didnt even have any time to think.

today,i just realized..what if my mom died last night?
then nothing would matter.

Nothing else would matter.
clothes,makeup,television,going outside,having fun,myspace,friends..etc.

NONE of that would matter.

Food wouldnt even matter.
Water wouldnt matter.
sleep wouldnt matter.
my own health wouldnt even matter to me.

NICK Wouldnt matter.
i would grow numb,and careless.
i wouldnt cry ever again over a past "relationship"that couldnt work out,because i would realize my priorities in would really fucking set me straight,but alittle TOO straight,considering how i probably wouldnt even care if i ever got out of bed ever again.

all of these adults stress and strain themselves over silly things in life.they have no fucking idea.
they pull out their hair,for no reason.
bills,food,cars,shopping.sure,we need alot of those..right?

-we need to pay bills,because if we dont,our electricity and water will be turned off in our house.

-we need to buy food,because without it,we would starv to death and die.

-we need cars,because its convenient transportation

-we need to shop for clothes and household items,because we need to be clothed at all times,and house luxery is what we are all used to.

all of those things,seem necessary.
but in the meantime of striving to OBTAIN these things,people forget about family,or the ones they love.
people lose themselves in some sick sort of survival. they forget about happiness.
they just get so fucking caught up in the moment,and over analyze the things that dont need to be analyzed.

yeah,your cable just got turned off.but at least youre alive.
yeah,your car just got towed.but at least youre alive.
yeah,you dont have enough money to buy that new dress you wanted,but at least youre alive.
yeah,your house just got burnt down,but at least youre alive.

people just need to embrace the smallest details in life.
they need to stop searching for happiness within that brand new top in the mall,and instead,seek it by hugging someone you love,or taking a walk on the beach,and just feeling the wind in your hair,and watching the sun go down.

they dont cost a single penny,and those things are some of the most beautiful and sacred things life has to offer.

so,stop stressing out over bills.
stop stressing out over if your house is spotlessly clean
or the dishes are all put away in the kitchen cabinet.

thats when you get bitchy,aggravated,and negative.
you worry and then you get in a bad mood and it effects everyone around you.
you could be hurting the ones you love,and not even know it.

let go,calm down.take a deep breath and look around you.
ACTUALLY look around you.

and what about the people who are mean to you?what about the people who hurt you,or hate you?dont let them. Think differently .Realize you are who you are,no matter what others out. dont listen.fall into music,fall into art..fall so deep into yourself..and fucking fly.
you are untouchable.

live today,like theres no tomorrow.
live your life,like it ends in an hour.


1 comment:

  1. probably didn't mom passed on July 4th (or thereabouts) 2007...see "Thing One" in my blog...I'm glad yours is still alive because you are exactly right here, man.