Monster.

"u have to keep me on a leash just a little" I tell him..

and at that moment i realized..
what if all of them...
none of them, were monsters at all ....
what if the monster,was me,....all along?


this whole time..
what if.. i was the enemy
i am the person i hate the most
i am what causes my own pain?

(the trouble maker...
The rebel child...
The fire starter)

I cannot blame them, anymore.
for,
I'm the one crawling towards...


the girl that always acts on impulse..
actions without consequences
doing without thought,
sipping without a pause.

yet i imagine the moment
my arms wrapped around you,
you pinning me against the wall,
taking one of my hands,and lifting it against my head
our bodies hot,and full of passion
desire screaming for one another
your warm breath on my neck,kisses soft,
i want you so much.
my eyes roll back,and i let out whimpers
i'll look into your eyes,hands drop and find their way to your face, holding your gaze in strict place..
and i'll whisper..

"i am not acting on impulse this time..."

i'd like to believe this time..is different.
this time, i'm calm...

sex
affection
intimacy
vulnerability
closeness
desperation
obsession
needy
power
the power you have over me
want
and needing
my body
the messages
it sends me
the spell you have me under
wrapped around your finger
its neurology



I dont want to be THAT girl.
alone..
reaching out,isolating
whimpering,silent.


Im that girl.
messy hair,blowing in my face
chilly winter winds
over sized sweater,hanging off my shoulder
from the night before,
nikon around my neck
i walk the streets alone,
dead town
pacing back and forth,
staring at my feet
cold hands,
chapped lips...
so frozen its numbing,
i feel them burn,i cannot even move them
i feel the wind
i hear the singing chimes
their sad song
i feel a mother earth
i think to her
and the wind grows stronger
or maybe its you
that feels me here

i dont want to be THAT girl..
i dont want to be alone,
yet i dont want to be surrounded

my knees are bruised
my heart is sore
my white cotton dress is torn
my nikon strap doesnt inspire anymore
i want to be someone else today,I say
throw on a large brim hat
and flower socks

My favorite quotes.

So many beautiful words written by so much beauty.. cannot fully display my favorites..but some:

"We are not ready to live,until we are prepared to die"


"you're my desert rose. the wind that dances with my eternal fire......drifting across the sand, we dance caressing...."- My baby. My everything.

"you are wind, i am fire.. together we dance" my baby,fiance- nicholas

" Forever your desert rose"- Mine to you.


"Its not the duration of our descent,the measure of ones life..is how its spent." - Potter.I will forever miss u,skylarsaurous. (I have this tattooed behind my shoulder)

"Pain is a part of life. Don't deny it, don't fight it, don't divert it. Just feel it, all of it, for that is the only way it will ever be cleansed from you. And afterwords something more pure and true will be left. Trust me on this one thing. Let the tears fall as they may. But it will heal and through it you will become so much more wise and happy. I almost envy you. Not the situation you are in, but rather the pain you must deal with. It's been so long for me without adversity, without hurt, and challenge. What is life without these things? Things which test us, which try to break us, which cut us wide open."- something Sky wrote to me..that endless of times..quite frankly,saved my life.




"the mind is structured in layers,just like the universe is structured in layers. from superficial to profound. and if we use the mind in a very superficial level of ordinary thought,we have very limited power and can barely move a speck of dust to cross a tabletop without using our hands. so weak can consciousness be,but at the deepest level of consciousness,consciousness creates universe.. -John Hagelin," Ph.D professor of physics


"Do not conquer the world with force, for force only causes resistance. Thorns spring up when an army passes. Years of misery follow a great victory. Do only what needs to be done without using violence.”- The tao

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is
true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true
power. If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.” Tao

"you know what they say if its not broken?..break it." -someone to lost to recognize his lack of direction.


"Everything is based on mind, is led by mind, is fashioned by mind. If you speak and act with a polluted mind, suffering will follow you, as the wheels of the oxcart follow the footsteps of the ox. Everything is based on mind, is led by mind, is fashioned by mind. If you speak and act with a pure mind, happiness will follow you, as a shadow clings to a form."- Buddha

"The world has got it wrong. Its not eye color,or physique structure..the most enviable quality is a beautiful mind."- just something i jotted down a while ago.

"all things on earth are temporary and in a constant state of change.Since you are on this planet,you too are a part of this always changing and always decomposing principle.

let go your desire to force anyone or anything and choose instead to consciously be part of the cyclical pattern of nature. " The tao

"To be human..is beautiful. To be human..is contradiction.What is a greater gift?"myself

"What is light,without dark?
What is a gauze, without a wound?" myself

"He who is self righteous, is not respected.
He who brags,will not endure." the tao


"Immerse yourself in love."- ;) radiohead mmm

Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, "you owe me". the tao

"what we think,we become. " the tao ( i think.. cannot quite remember)



"Wearing clothes that match is like saying you only listen to one kind of music" - something i found in a nylon magazine.. cannot remember the author...for I cut it out and hung this on my wall! :(


"All clever creativity stems from maddness." myself


“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”-Albert Einstein

More Quotes as of late- ,so raw but beautiful
which warm my heart,especially in the storm of trouble... there has been so much evil out there lately,so many envious faces and poisonous words. Many serpents roam this land I walk..



Some quotes I found that are relevant to now..


"he who has no sins cast the first stone.. it is for God to judge, not men "


"~ Peace of mind makes the body healthy, but jealousy is like a cancer. ~"- Bible


~ Jealousy is a tiger that tears not only its prey but also its own raging heart ~ unknown

~ The jealous bring down the curse they fear upon their own heads. ~
Dorothy Dix



~ Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but Jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time ~
Arab Proverb



~ Jealousy is that pain which a man feels from the apprehension that he is not equally beloved by the person whom he entirely loves ~
Joseph Addison




"Do not envy a sinner; you don't know what disaster awaits him."
Bible

(.. I should remember this one,and not feel so bad upon myself when I look around at everyone else in my age group who party all night and get wasted/ high and scream "fuck yeah!" out the window... I dont have to conform, to an aimless road....)



"Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind."
Buddha


"Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm; for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave.
Bible"


"People die..but real love is forever"- Amy lee.



" Too much lovin on the lips, takes ya straight to tha hips" - my loving BEAUTIFUL curvy brother eddie ;)

" Cos i'm a gypsy,are you coming with me? I may steal yo thongs and wear them if they fit me.." A wonderful collaboration of shakira and my curvy beautiful brother again,eddie.

"I need the water,the pool,the river,the ocean.
..It lets me feel beautiful,good,pure,safe..FREE.
when I'm underwater I don't feel sad anymore,It feels like death..which is peaceful."-My brother Eddie.