Today.

first day at clinic.
hell.

another attempt at feeling happy and eating in a normal manner.


morning: few bites of yogurt,water

afternoon:half cup soup

night:rice
chips
fruit cup


Tonights binge without lax or purging or exercising:
(i hold my breath)

plate of pasta with vegetables
plate of rice,chow mein,
2 eggroles
2 cream cheese wong tongs
1 breakfast crossiant
hashbrowns
water
bites of cake
2 herseys kisses.
im scared to death of chocolate and cake and cookies and chips and soda.

im TERRIFIED.aha.

cant eat anymore of it

i havent had chocolate in like over a month though,
so i guess having two little kisses wont hurt me right? :/

2009-2010 goals.

Get successful meds
Get inpatient/outpatient treatment for ED
get job
drive
volunteer at animal shelters/sanctuaries
finish highschool
put money away in savings account
get Altaira help
grow out hair
get braces off
decorate room
get another puppy?
see nick
someday live on my own.

Rawr rawr

how can someone fantasize so much about food,yet despise it more than anything,at the same time?
how can someone be so obsessed with food,nonstop..yet be scared to death of it?

my brain hurts so much.its so sore. If there was a way i could look inside of my head,i know it would be full of scabs and cuts and lesions from thinking so much..from crying so much,from being in so much pain all the time.

this will be the straw that breaks the camels back.
or..will it be the curse that sets me free?
will it be the bit of poison that cleans the rest of what flows within?to finally..disinfect and cure?

i know im alone,but i dont want to be alone.i know im supposed to be strong,but what if i dont want to be strong?

Day 2 of a new start.

Fuck recovery. what was i ever thinking?

Day 1 of a new start.

Blogdiary,


here I am again,spilling precious words across a shallow keyboard.. Placing them gently on the public screen for all to judge and read.


Its March 5th,2009. Precisely 1:30 AM. You thought I could sleep? I laugh to myself.




I have something to say. I have a bit of story to tell.




I spoke to god today. I could feel jesus near me.

Like a battered addict, I cried on my knees..
crawling..and begging.. I'm some sort of junkie.


All my life,i've searched for the answer. All my life,ive screamed for someone to help me. Tried to find the pleasure,The savior,the answer within love.. Within The man I love.. Within Ana, Within her strength and passive sadism. Within my blood mother... Within The Mother earth.. Within music.. Within strangers. You name it,I've tried it.

Never have I really ever turned to jesus. Never have I tried to find the answer within him.

I told him to love me,and I tried to submit as I would to a man biting my neck , being ontop of
me.. Or in a way I would to ana, after consuming something sinful and delicious. STaring back at myself in a public restroom mirror. Apologizing, Feeling guilty for messing and abusing her. Begging her to forgive me,so we can start allover. "ana,take me. Ana,love me.I'm here for you to take over."



I told god this,instead. This time.


Sick of speaking to something that can speak back..

well,can this speak back?can he? I feel like he did. Maybe im dellusional.
but I felt something beyond me. If i could explain,i would say a huge big fat invisiable blob of force in the corner of my bedroom as I choked on my own mascara and self pity.






I was so warn down and torn apart
my heroin was my own fingers, my stubbornness,my hollow stomach.
My addiction was my instability, my morphed perception.
My emptiness...its got me..

The agony Ive felt,I cannot explain..cannot put into words.

My hatred for humanity.. one of the reasons its so strong and raw,
because all ppeople ever do is compare..is measure. Mock and manipulate. They want reasons,definitions,approximations, exact answers.


They want math and science,

I want spatial sensation.

They want notes and chemistry,substance stained goggles and Bubbling experiments.
Gloves and medication precriptions.

All I want is, happiness. Purity. Harmony. Abstract outlooks and blind judgment.
No definition. No man made theory.Instead,self theory unspoken. Unshared.Just think to yourself..no need to preach or contribute by science. Just love and think to yourself.


Wild,free fields of wheat and grain
flowers,trees,lakes
animals and meadows of green
love making
sun shining
no school
no cars
no taxes
no work
no internet
no television
no britney spears
no booze
no burger king
no worry.

just live,

live the way you wish to live,in the moment you wish to die.

does that make sense?

it does to me.

think about it.

when youve been sucicidal.

how did you WANT to live?

at the moment,life is something you dispise.Disgusts you.Youre screaming and begging in so many ways,for so many reasons,for so many things.

but if you were to live,how would you live?

would you run to the store and buy 25 boxes of icecream?
would you quit your time consuming job and travel the world?
would you patch up past tattered relationships,and become closer to god?
Would you prioritize your possessions?
Would you move to a cabin somewhere far in the woods?
or a mellow place somewhere on the oceanside..

live the way you wish to live,in the moment you wish to die.


right?thats the only way to live,really.


When I tell people this...when i explain to them my outlook on life,how i want to live..they look at me like i'm dreaming. like im crazy. like i'm selfish,stubborn and out of my head. Like i'm full of teenage angst and rebellion. like i'm angry. like i'm rebellious. Like i'm non realistic. Like im surreal. Like i'm..infinite. like i'm a disrespecting sheep in the cloned herd of humanity .like i'm being bad and making sin for straying from everyone else who sits there everyday,allday,sipping from the same pond,eating the same grain. Like i'm evil for shaving my coat and changing myself for the better. Like im terrible for following my heart . My god given instinct.

to me,this is natural. My dreams.My goals. My outlook on life.


Today,I go humble.
Today, I strive for something better.
Today, the first day,I will try to kill the addiction.

Today,I will try to slay ana.

Ana verses the man in the sky

"Hi,My name is amanda,and I'm a recovering addict.."

but I dont want to really recover,..


I'm addicted to the surreal.
I'm addicted to a love that tries to tell me its dead,but I just cant believe it.
i'm partially at fault.
Im addicted to the emptiness.
Im addicted to a sore throat and empty stomach.
im addicted to feeling belligerent,delusional and lightheaded.
i'm addicted to living on the edge but never taking risks
i'm addicted to my own vulnerability
i'm addicted to crashing over and over again
i'm addicted to death,or the thought of it.
i'm addicted to violence.
i'm addicted to ugliness
i'm addicted to screaming and crying
im addicted to bruises and beatings
im addicted to negativity
i'm addicted to everything i hate but love in some sort of way

i'm addicted to getting walked allover
im addicted to being abused
i'm addicted to feeling worthless
i'm addicted to panic attacks
i'm addicted to getting dizzy and not being able to breathe
i'm addicted to perversion
i'm addicted to sin,all kinds of sin.
i'm addicted to self mutilation and self destruction
and destruction and inner demolition in a way you could never comprehend


i'm addicted to masochism.
i'm addicted to dominance,being dominated.
i'm addicted to rape.
i'm addicted to my drugs,my own personal drugs that arent typical to you..
im addicted with trying to help those who hate me or dont want any help at all..
trying to fix what i cannot control.


i'm addicted to looking at myself like a piece of clay to mold
just another piece of worthless art..
nothing special here

im addicted to controlling myself because all others ever have tried to do was control me
so i gain back control
and change the way i look




but,i want god.

its something new.