Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Ana verses the man in the sky

"Hi,My name is amanda,and I'm a recovering addict.."

but I dont want to really recover,..

I'm addicted to the surreal.
I'm addicted to a love that tries to tell me its dead,but I just cant believe it.
i'm partially at fault.
Im addicted to the emptiness.
Im addicted to a sore throat and empty stomach.
im addicted to feeling belligerent,delusional and lightheaded.
i'm addicted to living on the edge but never taking risks
i'm addicted to my own vulnerability
i'm addicted to crashing over and over again
i'm addicted to death,or the thought of it.
i'm addicted to violence.
i'm addicted to ugliness
i'm addicted to screaming and crying
im addicted to bruises and beatings
im addicted to negativity
i'm addicted to everything i hate but love in some sort of way

i'm addicted to getting walked allover
im addicted to being abused
i'm addicted to feeling worthless
i'm addicted to panic attacks
i'm addicted to getting dizzy and not being able to breathe
i'm addicted to perversion
i'm addicted to sin,all kinds of sin.
i'm addicted to self mutilation and self destruction
and destruction and inner demolition in a way you could never comprehend

i'm addicted to masochism.
i'm addicted to dominance,being dominated.
i'm addicted to rape.
i'm addicted to my drugs,my own personal drugs that arent typical to you..
im addicted with trying to help those who hate me or dont want any help at all..
trying to fix what i cannot control.

i'm addicted to looking at myself like a piece of clay to mold
just another piece of worthless art..
nothing special here

im addicted to controlling myself because all others ever have tried to do was control me
so i gain back control
and change the way i look

but,i want god.

its something new.

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