Just a day in the rain.

today,i got caught in the rain.
soaking wet,drenched and freezing as every breeze felt like ice on my skin..

In every interesting weather,I think of him.

I always have this image of him floating up in the sky somewhere controlling all the storms and windy days ;p

It was so beautiful,yet sad at the same time.

As I was walking alone, i felt ..connected.
to something.
to someone.
to something,AND someone?

perhaps to him

perhaps to the universe as well.
to my spirit,my power within.


suddenly,

I really felt the fear inside release from me..
as I smelt the rain hit the burning gravel,
earlier hot from over 100 summer weather..
as I felt the wind in my hair..

i felt so alive


finally.

a feeling of liveliness.


I was thinking of bleaching my hair blonde,until i smelt the rain.
until I realized..why?

why change?

why do my hair?
if all that matters..is this universe.
is this..sensation.right here.

how would i keep up with roots if I someday truly decide to live in a forest somewhere?
far from sallys beauty supply shops..
hahahaha
and at that moment,
hair styling felt...so so wrong and shallow to me.

and all i could think about..
was.."this is all i need in life. just me...me and the ground beneath my feet.me and this wonderful nature,mother earth and sky in the sky above me."

"Live for yourself".

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Its going on 10 in the morning, and I'm sitting here thinking. I have this anger built up inside of me... yet its not really "Anger". I guess its more so.. FRUSTRATION from witnessing people laying down in weakness. So many people slaying their own willpower. I am hurt to see so many people..hurt themselves. So many people.. So blind. So ...tired. So unaware. And in the most compassionate way possible, its quite pitiful. excuses,excuses,excuses, only masking fear. Skylar showed me a beautiful way of life. A way of life,that I cannot snap out of my head. No matter how many times I swallow or blink,its as if its engraved within me.. Hes rubbed off on me.. allover me. And I know now. I See things so differently. I cant explain this outlook on life.. Many can pick and find little contradictions in the nooks and crannys between this philosophy if you really try hard enough.. ( i know I did,when I listened to his words at first. but it was only because I Was at a time in darkness ... so his words of light seemed so...surreal...so made up,and funny.) to many, sure,at times it may even seem impossible or silly.. because its pure...simplicity., and as humans,we are ANYTHING but simple. so complex and troubled..so layered in depth and contrasted with complication.. but really... all in the end, it is completely..and utterly....simple. yet its still as if our minds cannot comprehend it. or perhaps..fighting against comprehending it. It depends on your desire. that's what i think. desire to fly,or desire to sink. so many things in this world..all operate on desire. what we want,what we are drawn and attracted to.. whether it being positive or negative desire... healthy or harmful desire.. Ive also realized..nothing is really official.. nothing is really long term or infinite. An emotion,is an emotion and it doesnt sit still in motion like dirty pond water... like a season passing like a tide subsiding we change. EMOTIONS change. thoughts change. unlike that dirty pond full of dead water,and lounging mosquitoes.. in life,there IS circulation. there ARE patterns and cycles. everything...has a cycle. and I am personally convinced,everything passes. may not pass for forever... but it does..pass. may be BACK again, but only if you let it. we all have a choice in this. I could go into detail.. but I wont,because the answer is in: simplicity. Saddness is but a moment. its beautiful to feel pain sometimes, because what would life be without it? what would HAPPINESS be without it? its natural.its beautiful. something I wrote, I love to endure in life..: "loving,feeling and then crying and bleeding. socializing, and having social anxiety. being neglected,just to be nurtured. being broken,just to heal and mend. Giving up,and then starting allover again. Starting allover,and then giving up again." I think that completely sums it up. I'm tired of thinking I "cant" do something. Im tired of doubting myself. Im tired of lack of confidence,or fear. I'm tired of taking myself for granted,and being like the millions of those... bind...tired..and unaware. Why do we cheat ourselves? Why do we set excuses? why do we shake in fear,only to soon crawl backwards into our shells? What are we AFRAID of??! Hes gone now. And so are many people across this universe. Before you know it, its over. I'm angry when i see people let others,or disorders defeat and overpower them. to me,its like they are laying down for death. Mental,maybe even physical...death. I'm angry when I see people paint a sad face and let a hardship defeat them, instead of FACING,CHALLANGING and DEFEATING the hardship. I honestly cannot say I have changed this way,only because I have lost someone. becuase that would be a lie. he wasnt just ANY someone. in the least bit of offense, if he was just "any"someone.. my entire being would not flutter in the sense it is now. my life wouldnt be changed,like it is now. and I know everyone who knew him can say the same,without any bit of hesitation. I watch my mother suffer everyday. I watch her never take control over her own life. I want her mope and moan instead of clench her fist and actually get to setting things right. if you lay down once,you better be willing to lay down forever. because sometimes all it takes is that one time..to get to your head.. and lie to you with bad,terribly negative thoughts.. telling you what you cant do. weakening you. I watch my grandparents live life like they could care less. Limiting and cheating themselves because of their age.. treating themselves like they are cripple,or dying of cancer.. like they "CANT",like they are "UNABLE"even though they BOTH are in perfect health. I watch someone I love, hate the world. The beautiful world. telling me things..at times I Feel like hes trying to convince me into hating it too,but i wont. everything is so beautiful. everything is how you make it.. how you perceive it. there are many vile things that go on on this land.. war hatred abuse rape poverty corruption (being an animal lover,I know the crulety and abuse that goes on just so you can have that juicy steak in your mouth) sometimes Its hard for me to NOT hate humanity.. but then i realize.. its ok. everything is in perfect place. even If the economy goes to shit. we are alive. and we all have to REMEMBER, it is so short being alive, and having the ability to live,breathe,feel,and think..is so surreal. and can be so difficult.. but we HAVE to remember, its all about simplicity. All these bad things,we have to accept. we dont have to agree. I cant honestly say im 100% one of those people who try to "Change" it either. ITs not because I Don't want to,(because god knows, I do) Its just naturally perhaps because I have learned to accept it. I'm not a fan of our government.Im not a fan of people killing each other,and i'm not a fan of kfc or butcher shops hah.. but If I cant convince everyone on this entire planet to become vegetarian or vegan and if i cant make every country get along.. then I Will have no choice but to accept. I will stray from the things I do not agree with,and move on to create something I consider beautiful and peaceful. In my mind, we are all living on this land.. united. yet we are all placed here separetly individually and alone,in our minds. the simple cliche line: "we are born alone,and we die alone". Is not a bitter term or phrase. we are born alone...we live into love,compassion and feeling,and then we die alone. we are united,yet we stray. At the same time of being in a crowd,its like we are the only one there. all of us. In my mind,we are all free sprited ambitious,adventurous,determined,exploring hippies making love in wild fields and swimming naked in rivers. hahahha. instead of living selfishly for others, we are living selflessly for ourselves. and thats what skylar showed me. live for yourself.

Its been a while. Just updating/storing.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Potter... are you on ur broomstick without me? June 5th seems like just yesterday... and I smile every time people ask me about my tattoo.. but to be as frank as a papercut, i miss you and some may think im crazy and most may say ive gone mad I admit,at times its an incomprehensible energy the spiritual connection we had and some may think ive lost it and most may say the pain within,is nothing compared to theres I admit,to the average it will seem that way but they dont know that thing we shared how could u care for a mind u laid miles and miles far away how could u feel the hands that were never felt i wish i could say, yes u seem just like yesterday Now I walk around your little fraternal twin living on with ur mind in my heart I wanna lay naked like you did Your voice seems so close yet far a dimming sound in the back of my mind and I cry as I glance beyond our galaxy stare into stars,is that where u reside? how could u care for a mind u now lay miles and miles i dont know where,yet so far away how could i see the eyes i never stared into i wish i could say, yes i had the chance to look at u u seem just like yesterday infinite and magical majestic,mystic beautiful those who know, well..they know and i dont have to repeat myself. that girl u loved, i know u loved her well im not trying to take what u shared away from u but everything is significant on its own, and i know u would agree with that too As street spirit remains on replay I think of all the wonderful things u said and in ur arms,u tried to guide as I refused, I just didnt know back then.. You touched me forever, Forget,i will never Changed my life you said you couldnt wait until our "iloveyous" were screaming from inside,wanting to get out and im sorry... i never felt to say that but that one night when i was in bed, it was as if i felt it. how could u care for a mind u laid miles and miles far away how could u experience the soul that costs gas money just to feel close enough to i wish i could say, yes you feel just like yesterday you said alcohol is good, if you drink it wise saved me from the ghosts never told a single lie Sensai Potter, i am ur young grasshopper hermione are u now.. on ur broomstick flying high without me? and now.. i am laughing i am... crying i dont know how to label what we shared a friendship? acquaintance ? affair or rivalry u liked to challenge couldnt be taimed a little blue bird ninja in a cage how could u care for a mind u laid miles and miles far away how could u feel the hands that were never felt i wish i could say, yes you seem just like yesterday at times i want to walk outside stand two feet planted underneath and turn around, only to fall fall fall fall backwards ..into the sky so I could see.. So I could blissfully,luckily say...yes. Where can I reach you? It isnt fair.. Why cant it be fair? What if i want to see you? What if i want to talk to you? what if i want to HUG you? Who will save me from the disgustingly vicious 4chan clan now? how will I do this..without you. I feel like no one else gets it. You got it. you understood. You liked my school girl skirts and the excessive makeup I used to wear. My bottle cap collection,and our conversations of riding on the backs of screeching pterodactyls. You said it was okay for me to "pose slutty" because I am AMANDA..and AMANDA is NOT slutty,so its OKAY.OKAY for me to "pretend" as long as the truth was pure.. hahahaha You loved the poem I wrote you, and everytime I think of the millions of times after that one you asked me to write u another .. I cry. Because I put it off. I said maybe some other time.. and yet... wow... there isnt another time. how could u care for a stranger u laid on one side of this globe,the other which i play miles and miles far away how could u care for a cheek nude of ur kiss i wish i could say, i wish i could say... yes you feel just like yesterday. No matter how many times we fell out of touch, the moment we started speaking once more.. it felt like the first night. you'd call me your little amanda,and i felt so special. it felt so natural. I wish there was a place I could reach you.. a door I can open,and there I will see you. a window I can look out of,and there you will be. a wall i can press against,and behind you will stand. Tell me.. where can I find you? -journal entry The day after you were gone: "Where are you? Where can I find you? In the cracks of the sidewalk,? within the broken gravel clumps and fragments of the street? In the wind?? The cool air and powerful breeze, dancing in my hair,nearly knocking me over,off my feet. Lifting my dress,howling. Whispering to me. Are you now the rain? Pelting down upon me. soaking my clothes,now transparent and pure. Drenched hair and face,concealing my tears are you a bird? Didnt you say you believed in reincarnation ? that perhaps you were a bird in another life,and I was too.. that we knew eachother and thats why when we first started talking, we instantly connected and felt the similarity...FAMILIARITY? are you the sunset? peering through the beautiful white clouds above? the blazing,strong desert heat..impacting...sweating me.." how could u care for a mind u laid miles and miles far away how could u feel the hands that were never felt i wish i could say, yes you feel just like yesterday. will i ever fully go back to my shallow ways of eating doritos late at night and watching the paris hilton show reruns? Will i ever be a child toward the depth of this universe? So naive and careless to what lies millions and millions of miles beyond the crust of the simple earth. i cant.. now that you are gone,i feel like i'm on a totally different level than the girl next to me,picking out a pair of new heels. What is going through my mind? I may stare at these shoes..the surface of my being,desiring them so much.. but deep down, Its nothing I Want. So many things..so many questions.and natural curiosity... a need to analyze and find.. will i ever be able to rest in simplicity again? Potter,Im sorry i never felt enough to have u adjust ur tie around my neck. That girl u loved.. i know u loved her well u said it proud u said it yourself i could never compare ur beautiful love but theres things u said,amany and i know right now,u would tell me time never stays.,..time moves on what we had may not of had such a strong chance what we had may of been to young to say romance my hair may not be as soft my eyes not as bright but ur beauty, touched my life and some may think im dramatic and most may say im overreacting I admit,its completely unexplainable,irrational,nonlogical the beautiful connection we had may be hard to grasp impossible to understand As street spirit remains on replay I think of all the wonderful things u said and could still say and in ur arms,u tried to pull me close as I refused, and pushed u far away ..fuck... if only i knew then what i now know! extraordinary rare,special beautiful you are. those who know, well..they know and i dont have to repeat myself June 5th seems like just yesterday... I miss you. Apr 27, 2008 10:46 PM O DEAREST SKYLAR by:amanda. o dearest skylar your hot as fire your lips are probably softer than a coarse nail file-er. O dearest thine skylar. skylar,you like fashion and thats cool your soul is in such luck,because i like it too your voice,on the phone, is like an enchanted angelic tone O dearest skylar;holy one. we fight alot on aim, once on the phone,i think you almost came. sometimes I cant stand you but most of the time,we get along.. ... like bugs in glue. and a religious song skylar,youre always so very positive just like the sun that shines on the world each morning when we talk,sometimes i'm bitchy/upset or PMS suffering but our conversations are never boring our first conversation was of our similar interest in unicorns, i believe arent we friends to be? we both like the same things i used to be your little twin but if we were mermaids,youd have a bigger fin; cos you are bigger than me skylar,cant you see o dearest skylar im trying to rhyming but i am sorta failing O skylar your ghost stories are awesome but they made me really scared one night if you would of been there,i would of screamed like a little boy who sounded like alittle girl,and then grabbed your muscular body so tight o skylar i am sorry for being so nicholas addicted and mind wrapped all those nights,I pushed you away,you probably wont ever forget that cos i know you must think i am alittle pretty and sometimes i feel bad for being a disconnected little girl,i feel shitty you were the first person i ever confessed of wearing braces to i hope you always remember this i remember when i sent that video of a girl sucking off a guy when she was wearing braces to you and then you were probably thinking "oh no she didnt . shes not sucking my dick" o dearest skylar (stand by for comment #2) Apr 27, 2008 10:50 PM O DEAREST THINE SKYLAR Part TWO. by:amanda O dearest skylar sometimes your optimistic outlook on life,realy pisses me off but most of the time,and by the end of the day,i want to hug you and prevent your cough you always have perfect grammar and you use really big words in your sentences but i understand them cos i am such a good little poet.. and i know the size of appendictces..es..ez. oh skylar when you go travel the world for like two years i am going to miss you once you disapear i'll give you a teddy to take on your journey to always remember me and in the boys bathroom i think theres something called a uriny .. me and you are both weird but thats what makes us cool if we went out in public,people wuld get jealous cos thats the "im hot and i know it,so bite me,bitch"rules O dearest skylar we always like to compete with eachother and sometimes when we fight,i say "your mother" i like the time we compared the worst/nasiest porno sites over aim and i WOONNEd. remember the guy with the fish blow job?see.competetion=DONE. O dearest skylar im fucked up i know i am and you are too,kinda cos you eat ham and im a VEGGIE TARE E ANNNE! but i still really really like you you know i do you have good taste in expensive clothes buy me an icecream! and when i say "o rilly" you send me a picture of an owlll..(from photobucket)which is not eerie I remember your skylartopia story. Your ex girlfriend Is hot and If i was a guy,i'd want her too cos shes hot like you O dearest skylar Love, the one and only. Your Amanda Pod. Your hentai girl. Your little ballerina. Your wounded little unicorn. Your Hermione. P.s. My favorite super powers (if I had the chance to ever have one) will forever be flying. Thanks for asking.