"Live for yourself".

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Its going on 10 in the morning, and I'm sitting here thinking. I have this anger built up inside of me... yet its not really "Anger". I guess its more so.. FRUSTRATION from witnessing people laying down in weakness. So many people slaying their own willpower. I am hurt to see so many people..hurt themselves. So many people.. So blind. So ...tired. So unaware. And in the most compassionate way possible, its quite pitiful. excuses,excuses,excuses, only masking fear. Skylar showed me a beautiful way of life. A way of life,that I cannot snap out of my head. No matter how many times I swallow or blink,its as if its engraved within me.. Hes rubbed off on me.. allover me. And I know now. I See things so differently. I cant explain this outlook on life.. Many can pick and find little contradictions in the nooks and crannys between this philosophy if you really try hard enough.. ( i know I did,when I listened to his words at first. but it was only because I Was at a time in darkness ... so his words of light seemed so...surreal...so made up,and funny.) to many, sure,at times it may even seem impossible or silly.. because its pure...simplicity., and as humans,we are ANYTHING but simple. so complex and troubled..so layered in depth and contrasted with complication.. but really... all in the end, it is completely..and utterly....simple. yet its still as if our minds cannot comprehend it. or perhaps..fighting against comprehending it. It depends on your desire. that's what i think. desire to fly,or desire to sink. so many things in this world..all operate on desire. what we want,what we are drawn and attracted to.. whether it being positive or negative desire... healthy or harmful desire.. Ive also realized..nothing is really official.. nothing is really long term or infinite. An emotion,is an emotion and it doesnt sit still in motion like dirty pond water... like a season passing like a tide subsiding we change. EMOTIONS change. thoughts change. unlike that dirty pond full of dead water,and lounging mosquitoes.. in life,there IS circulation. there ARE patterns and cycles. everything...has a cycle. and I am personally convinced,everything passes. may not pass for forever... but it does..pass. may be BACK again, but only if you let it. we all have a choice in this. I could go into detail.. but I wont,because the answer is in: simplicity. Saddness is but a moment. its beautiful to feel pain sometimes, because what would life be without it? what would HAPPINESS be without it? its natural.its beautiful. something I wrote, I love to endure in life..: "loving,feeling and then crying and bleeding. socializing, and having social anxiety. being neglected,just to be nurtured. being broken,just to heal and mend. Giving up,and then starting allover again. Starting allover,and then giving up again." I think that completely sums it up. I'm tired of thinking I "cant" do something. Im tired of doubting myself. Im tired of lack of confidence,or fear. I'm tired of taking myself for granted,and being like the millions of those... bind...tired..and unaware. Why do we cheat ourselves? Why do we set excuses? why do we shake in fear,only to soon crawl backwards into our shells? What are we AFRAID of??! Hes gone now. And so are many people across this universe. Before you know it, its over. I'm angry when i see people let others,or disorders defeat and overpower them. to me,its like they are laying down for death. Mental,maybe even physical...death. I'm angry when I see people paint a sad face and let a hardship defeat them, instead of FACING,CHALLANGING and DEFEATING the hardship. I honestly cannot say I have changed this way,only because I have lost someone. becuase that would be a lie. he wasnt just ANY someone. in the least bit of offense, if he was just "any"someone.. my entire being would not flutter in the sense it is now. my life wouldnt be changed,like it is now. and I know everyone who knew him can say the same,without any bit of hesitation. I watch my mother suffer everyday. I watch her never take control over her own life. I want her mope and moan instead of clench her fist and actually get to setting things right. if you lay down once,you better be willing to lay down forever. because sometimes all it takes is that one time..to get to your head.. and lie to you with bad,terribly negative thoughts.. telling you what you cant do. weakening you. I watch my grandparents live life like they could care less. Limiting and cheating themselves because of their age.. treating themselves like they are cripple,or dying of cancer.. like they "CANT",like they are "UNABLE"even though they BOTH are in perfect health. I watch someone I love, hate the world. The beautiful world. telling me things..at times I Feel like hes trying to convince me into hating it too,but i wont. everything is so beautiful. everything is how you make it.. how you perceive it. there are many vile things that go on on this land.. war hatred abuse rape poverty corruption (being an animal lover,I know the crulety and abuse that goes on just so you can have that juicy steak in your mouth) sometimes Its hard for me to NOT hate humanity.. but then i realize.. its ok. everything is in perfect place. even If the economy goes to shit. we are alive. and we all have to REMEMBER, it is so short being alive, and having the ability to live,breathe,feel,and think..is so surreal. and can be so difficult.. but we HAVE to remember, its all about simplicity. All these bad things,we have to accept. we dont have to agree. I cant honestly say im 100% one of those people who try to "Change" it either. ITs not because I Don't want to,(because god knows, I do) Its just naturally perhaps because I have learned to accept it. I'm not a fan of our government.Im not a fan of people killing each other,and i'm not a fan of kfc or butcher shops hah.. but If I cant convince everyone on this entire planet to become vegetarian or vegan and if i cant make every country get along.. then I Will have no choice but to accept. I will stray from the things I do not agree with,and move on to create something I consider beautiful and peaceful. In my mind, we are all living on this land.. united. yet we are all placed here separetly individually and alone,in our minds. the simple cliche line: "we are born alone,and we die alone". Is not a bitter term or phrase. we are born alone...we live into love,compassion and feeling,and then we die alone. we are united,yet we stray. At the same time of being in a crowd,its like we are the only one there. all of us. In my mind,we are all free sprited ambitious,adventurous,determined,exploring hippies making love in wild fields and swimming naked in rivers. hahahha. instead of living selfishly for others, we are living selflessly for ourselves. and thats what skylar showed me. live for yourself.