Sunday, July 4, 2010
i had a dream that the earth was exploading ..
i miss those dark,anorexic roads...twisted,tormented, hauntingly narrow like the willows arm... the absent headlights,and ghost story... the cold so cold,it burns..cutting my flesh like a thousand swords..quiet mouth, screaming eyes.. our pupils jolt from every dimension..flickering the truth we cannot comprehend. A hand I cannot hold,but hold only because yours is forever lost..
a friendship off limits, an uncomfortable bond... is it right to even look in your eyes? or distantly pat your shoulder, with my own two cold,small hands..shaken,dry.
..but this isnt about you. you are merely an electron within the atom of this tragedy..
a single dainty feather blowing down along the summer stream..
a tiny strand of my sisters brown hair..
This is a picture beyond just your face.
I miss the red wooded barn, a texture my hands could almost taste..so close to running my fingertips over its coarse,painted skin,just from the car window alone..
An impossible embrace. Simple wood, i'll never greet,a substance to never connect.
And staring into the blackened country distance.. the tall grass, and flat lawn..mystique.. empty...death. I imagine you staring back at me,somewhere and somehow..watching this all.. the "dead end".. and ghost dolls...
Happy 4rth ;)
so much is pacing through this crazy little head of mine....
and it all goes "boom".
Sitting in my quiet room.. Fireworks are beautiful and mesmerizing .. ,but im flinching and jumping everytime one abruptly goes off,i feel like i'm in iraq...
I wish you were here,baby. My night would be complete..and not for security.. but for absolute bliss... I would have you to kiss,and lay down with..
I just want to turn off the lights and rest my exhausted body and mind... feel your strong arms wrapped around me. I would drift off so safe and soundly... without a worry..a care..or a thought in mind..just feeling..complete..peaceful nothingness.
and i have come to find,nothing can compare to nothingness.
perhaps this is a climax we all meet,in death.
There is happiness..and sadness..
all that falls into that contrast,
and then there is ..nothingness..
which i feel nothing can compare to..and i dont mean nothingness as in ...depressing..numbness.. not at all.
nor do i mean,the opposite of which..
but something so....strange.. as humans we cannot comprehend what this nothingness even means,because we are so used to.. SOMETHING..anything..even in emptiness,we mostly find..at least SOMETHINg..some sort of suffering..
but this nothingness.. is like the peace i always feel underwater...with my eyes open,peaking at the tiny strands of hair swarming around my face..fogging my view of my floating,dancing hands..
and without a thought..without a feeling..without sorrow..without happiness,even...
that is when i found pure bliss..
in just raw...honest..human..EXISTENCE.. just be...just float..