Rule number 2.

dont get attached to somebody you could lose..

The Lamp light.

                  All good things come to an end. All bad things come to an end.
                                  So I am done mourning.

Rule of thumb: Touch, but do not feel. Do not attach, do not reminisce.  

                                       Its okay to experience, as long as it is an experiment. 
                                                 Its okay to create, as long as it is art.
                                            Its okay to live, as long as its a fucking masterpiece. 
                                                    
                                                     No matter how messy... no matter how precise...
                                                    Always remind yourself, it isn't real..
                                                           No matter how deep their stares, how sincere their words.
                                                          keep focused. Keep professional.

                                                          They are resources, use them.

             
                                                             Its all... a game.
                                                     You may lose, but more will come..
                                                    You may win, but in the end... You never really win.

                              Every set of eyes are medicine, every set of lips are a game plan.
                               Floating... there is no "set in stone", no destination.
                                                    Not up, nor down.
                                            I tell them I'm like Alice in wonderland.
                                            Many smile, few proceed.

                                                     

                                                 It's silly when you think about it... many personas.

                                               Cold as ice, as clingy as a puppy dog.
                                              As immune as a widow, as prone as a train-wreck.
                                           
                                                              Careless.. infinite.
       
                                        I don't really know you when we think about it,
                                                 and either of us really give a shit...
                                     but i'll miss the way you made my cheeks ache from continuous laughter,
                                                            and your cigarette kisses, and your rough hands...
                                                   and for a moment, I felt like yours..and for a moment, I felt alive.

 

Little girl heart.

"I only want to share new things.
New stories and pieces.
I don't wanna do ever what I failed at before.
I just want to make it new with you.
I just want to make it new with you"

oh...so you're opinionated, AND you have tits?....

     The world stereotypes and confines personalities into little boxes because they cannot fathom the possibility..actuality of anything beyond the ordinary...fearful of what pushes boundaries, and rebels against your mental standards/ or... "norm".  Psychologically, If I appear a certain way physically, you have automatically made your judgments about me.... even if its subconsciously. And anything I say in defense or justification will seem fictional...imitative. phony... because, I have already left a bad taste in your mouth. You know... the whole first impressions are critical, bit.

     So... truthfully.. if you meet me in a club when I'm bleach blonde and my breasts are pushed up to my chin,and i'm dancing about- flipping my hair... you've obviously pinned me, mentally. Or at least you think you do...(even though we all obviously have intricate layers, pasts, figments and strands of depth that sum our identity... ) you have already rolled your eyes, and made your assumption that I'm "just like the others"...and theres nothing I can really say, do, or express that will "unroll" them and wipe the slate clean of your accusations...            EVEN if you catch me in the library a week later, my hair dyed back naturally brunette...wrapped in a sweater, no contacts- in doofy glasses with my head buried in a book. It's hard to believe when I was only 16, I dreamed of pursuing a Quantum physics major, or I have listened to Marilyn Manson since age 11. It's kind of annoying... people live their life without really...SEEING..... feeling....anything past technicalities, TYPOS, harmless paradoxes, or ANYTHING,at all..

  I have passed judgments myself, we all do to an extent, even slightly... even unknowingly... we are kind of wired this way. But I live in a society where it seems ridiculous..silly,even ...for an attractive FEMALE to have a BRAIN... and use her intellect.

     A lot of people flat out, BLATANTLY just REJECT the "surreal" possibility that a pretty girl/model girl/provocative female... or even slightly attractive female at that matter, can truly behold substance.  For a lot of reasons. Sure, one of them being -its not that they judge a book by its cover.. but reversed...the tree by its fruit. When you are so used to seeing so many blue cars, you can't help but assume the next one driving by will be blue as well.   And then on the other hand, maybe it has nothing to do with your experience- Maybe its because our minds , by nature, just simply cannot correlate knowledge and beauty, all together, at once. ..for any reason. Maybe its too much to understand.... we can accept someone LESS beautiful as having more "brains" because its easier to relate to the sincerity of the scenario... Rather, taking information from someone more beautiful.... perhaps their stimulating "looks" leaves them more questionable.... maybe we link beauty with deceit.. transparency.. and fiction,again.  What makes me tuck away my pride and honestly question whether i'd rather look like a gargoyle, but be taken seriously... or continue existing on as a decent/attractive/visually appealing human being but constantly be taken for granted. ;)   It's entertaining in a way. I don't know what my honest answer would be...

   There's the surface of me, that shrugs my shoulders..throws out my middle finger, and says "fuck it" as I apply my red lipstick, curl my hair and zip up the back of my own dress. If people don't "see" me .. for me... if they don't "understand" me for me, and if they want to judge me by my cover, shove my own words down my throat, or stick labels allover my body...that's their problem... because I am confident with the person I am... and I know what is true about me, and what is just absurdly false.

  But then there's that other side.... that thinks..when I die.. I would truly want to be remembered..for my words... my spirit... my energy... my thoughts... my HEART...rather than .... my looks... my legs... my eyes...my tits...and if I am not projecting that message loud enough, maybe Its by fault on my part.

 Even marilyn monroe had an incredibly electric, enticing PERSONA and energy about her that made viewers question.... wan't to learn more...

 a "mystery"... maybe.. I don't know.

 Maybe its that wailing artist from within..that crucial NEED..to inspire and aspire....

 create create creategretwtjiowtjwjw ku36820621t,wmtjeyey


 Yes, I wear heels.. That doesn't mean I won't take them off and dance in the middle of the street with you at night.


  What would you rather be.... perceived as...? Does it even matter to you???...

 ugly...ordinary..  but an " infamous" brainiac ,if you will.. known for knowledge
or glamorous... beautiful...flawless ..ICONIC... but mistaken for stupid.. ?

"Would you forgive me, if I said I was sorry?"

 I have tried to forget... but I can't. 

No one can compare...

to your darkness.

to your mystique. 

you remind me of the cold sting of winter...

your peculiar taste still in my mouth

the restless steadiness of your eyes

the rhythm of your hot breath on my neck

the lines and cracks of your large hands...

repressive, expressive

the sound of your tainted heart beat,

the texture of the mattress... 

the curse on your mouth...

 I felt it...

I saw it...

I drank it...

you warned me, but I didn't care. 

 I knew it was there, but I kept going...True Alice, and I never once hesitated. 

the chaos of our silence 

The pain makes us addicts

falling asleep in your arms

wishing I never met you

thankful I know you

my hands tugging at my own hair,

suffocating on tears...

laughing until my stomach knots and contracts

my heart fell into my stomach the first time you touched me.

 I can still feel your bruises..

I can still see where you left your crimson bite marks... 

and no one has been able to leave a mark as dark, ever since. 

No one could ever be,..

so articulate. 

so silent.

so compassionate. so sadistic.

 I never knew anything so rough, beautiful, disheveled, delicate. 

 you are dominant, twisted, submissive, elegant.

 so "me", so opposite. 

 so flawed, so perfect...

 falling in and out of decomposition...

 I tried to catch you, but you just dragged me by my hand onto the tracks...

and I dont know if you noticed, but I never pulled away...  

you remind me of,... 

 exhausting summers

lace against my sweat... 

heart shaped sunglasses and horror films...

when you made me so anrgy that i cut off all my hair.. 

butterflies so wild in your stomach they almost tear through flesh

betrayal.

loyalty.

despair.

adoration. 

you remind me of long walks and long talks..

being lifted and pressed up against walls..

you remind me of second chances...

you remind me of torn up letters

talking until we're delirious and the heat from your phone burns the side of your face...

falling asleep to the sound of you breathe..

my own innocence... its gone, but you remind me of ..

the last time I trusted and loved 

insomnia, pyromania. 

 cemeteries, beaches, and all the above. 
That stupid rugged backpack...
my infamous red jacket. 

the smell of morning coffee and the stain of red lips...

spines and bones... and little girl clothes..

the sharpness of nails 

claw like down your spine...

the breeze of autumn..

the way you sang to me...

playing guitar,and NYC. 

nouvelle vague.

the scar on your chest...

 No one could ever understand.

 There were no words..

there was no touching...

we just became,and always will be.

 being with you,

chills.

you were always my outterbody experience. 

That electricity,

that drama..

the type of passion

that everyone craves

 the hatred, the clashing conflict 

the form of adrenaline they write about... 

i felt it.

 you are so strange,

and its not my choice in keeping this window open..

Ive paced and paced... only to finally run far away..

but something brings me back to where Ive started. 

 I'll never forget.... 

"oxygen."

                               Its easy for me to find acquaintances, but hard to keep them. 

 So easy to small talk, (though I hate this) but so almost impossible to find that person that you can effortlessly and fluidly just pour out all your secrets, thoughts..even Beliefs/ general feelings to..

It's so easy to quickly respond with an "I'm okay...or "its fine" these days instead of open.... raw... HONESTY.

we are all hiding behind these kid-like masks, fearful of being stabbed and let down, again...

 This makes me think of.. standards. 

   I used to think standards where egotistical, superficial, childish, vain, overall ridiculous, and frankly- bitchy...

 Then, I realized... no... its all in how high you've raised your bar, who is raising it, and their overall intentions of doing so.

 To set standards for one self, is flat out self respect.
 Its to appreciate your self worth enough and everything you want and deserve.

 To somewhat skillfully match yourself with actual joy instead of impatiently pinning against just any random/ self- proclaimed ephemeral MOMENT....    ugh...takes... rationality... patience... and great prioritization which I really lack.. (but am working towards)

 So, standards are good in my book. (As long as you aren't some ditsy, money- hungry, box hair-dyed sloth rolling your mac smokey eyes at every guy who doesn't drive a Ferrari.

  Life is what you make it, and your company is by choice. You are entitled to who you reject and welcome into your heart.

 We are such impulsive, emotional creatures that we don't stop and take the time.. (or in my case, to overlook those masochistic tendencies and for once CARE to take the time) to read red flags, or realize that no, we cannot truly control everything or most things in our worlds... but we can work on free will and filter through what we CAN control, in hopes to creating a more positive future for ourselves.

 Lets face it, our company is our ambiance and though its great to float in and out of the conscious affect that our environments bind us to...reality is... we ARENt invincible  and sometimes our atmosphere is a vessel for all of our bliss, triumphs, restrictions and annoyances, in one.

 The energy you bask in, really impacts your life..and I have personally found myself slowly and unknowingly camouflaging to my surroundings, many times... that's the worst.


Regardless of what others think of me, I'm in a sense.. NOT the same girl I was 4 years ago.. (none of us are)... 3 years ago...and certainly not 2 years ago.

 Ive grown to realize:

•  Just because you want something, doesn't mean its good for you or that you should necessarily obtain it. 

•  Just because someone LOOKS good, doesn't mean they do on the inside.. (or hold anything worth seeking from within, at that matter) 

•  Its CRUCIAL to accept others for who they currently ARE (even if they have potential to better or worsen in the future) rather than fixating on the perception of who they COULD be.. I think that mindset could save like, 99% of girls hearts from breaking. that.. " I can fix and change HIM!" attitude that makes me gag. 

• I would DEFINITELY rather be "unhappy alone,than unhappy with someone.." 

•  and Lastly, I learned that its completely OKAY for some things to not work out ...

Its beautiful, in a way..
and should not be dreaded
or mourned like the expressions of theater and the  media tend to bitter sweetly glamorize it to be.
(then again, everyone is entitled to their own growth and ..."winding" roads I guess..
 Mourning is beautiful too, dont get me wrong.. on its own.. Its a process... its truly a mental evolution. Its so... delicate and absolutely natural. The bad thing with that, is its addictive... (but thats a whole other topic I could ramble about... )

  I have no idea why I'm sitting here, documenting, "journal-ing"  this.. :P

  goodnight!

papercuts.

   Raw. Real. Delicate.

 Fragile and honest.

 Just speak to me, my love...and i'll listen.

     Its 11:44. I just pulled myself out of bed... this is what its like to float... this is what its like to freefall... I put on this old sweater and lift the blinds for some natural light... 

  Today is a sad day.... The sky is grey,and the ground is wet from the rain.... 

 Does something ever hurt you...so bad.. that you cant feel it ?

 Its so intense,that you cant feel the pain..that you cant feel anything at all,really..

thats me at the moment... laying here, lifelessly. soundlessly. 

what hurts to know is, I doesnt matter how amazing I am... because you never see me... and even if you do, someday...god willing..miraculously... by that time, I will have grown old... i will have became weary...

 there wont be much left of me...

 it angers me..

they are all staring.. pushing... pulling..clawing... dragging... needing..wanting...

but you... 

why am i surrounded by hundreds, yet you're no where in this room?

  "this is torturous, electricity between both of us..and this is dangerous, because I want you so much/

   One wants to wine and dine, the other writes me endless sorry letters... but why can you see me? 

 you make me feel invisible. 

to you,its just a papercut...

to me,its amputation. 

 on repeat: "Throw me in the landfill

Don't think about the consequences

Throw me in the dirt pit

Don't think about the choices that you make

Throw me in the water

Don't think about the splash I will create

Leave me at the altar

Knowing all the things you just escaped

Push me out to sea

On the little boat that you made 

Out of the evergreen

That you helped your father cut away

Leave me on the tracks

To wait until the morning train arrives

Don't you dare look back

Walk away, catch up with the sunrise

This is torturous

Electricity between both of us

And this is dangerous

'cause I want you so much

But I hate your guts

I hate you

So leave me in the cold

Wait until the snow covers me up

So I cannot move

So I'm just embedded in the frost

Then leave me in the rain

Wait until my clothes cling to my frame

Wipe away your tear stains

Thought you said you didn't feel pain

Well this is torturous

Electricity between both of us

And this is dangerous

'cause I want you so much

But I hate your guts

I want you so much

But I hate your guts"

Landfill.

       It's been so long, that I've really lost track of all the things that kept me sane...a past of apparent, threaded magic...yet it really did become too lose on me. The needle snapped, and it bled undone before my morphine eyes. They all pointed. They all giggled, as if my own skin was transparent fashion. Now I struggle frantically, picking up the pieces .. a quiet attempt to knit it all back...or somewhat, the fragments that are left.

  Everyone's eyes all on me... but my heart is set on you. 

In a world full of all these degrees and all these louboutins.. All I want is your love.

 Embarrassingly enough, I did it again.. yet again..and again... here I am... hello, at point A. Point fan-fucking-tastic. Mentally pinned underneath my imaginary/fantasy Joe.

      At this moment, I realize.. I could hate it all... in a matter of a sentence, it could all be gone... 

 Even if your life wasn't a fairy-tale, after-all..even if she ended up actually breaking your heart. 

I would still resent your pain,because I didn't ever mean enough to you to even cause a sting... 

 i wish I could, a part of me wants lie to you,just to see if you'll catch it...

ignore you,just to tell if you'll notice...

break you, just to see if you shatter...

 to tell the truth- i want you,but we both know that hardly matters... 

 At this moment, I realize... what I thought I realized... all dissolves in the slice of an instant...

 Even if I threw myself on the tracks, palm upright/ elegantly tilting my head up (all Juliet) 

a dramatic sigh as false lashes bat... your damsel awaits , yet your reaction inconsiderately sleeps through my squinted peek,  Would you even care?

I'm happy, I'm hungry, I'm sleepy, I'm drowning, I'm playful, I'm stagnant, I'm worried, i'm burried ,i'm striving. i'm profound, i'm pretty, i'm different...I'm blonde..wait, I could become brunette again.. I like the same music you do... i'll cook you homemade spaghetti. 

Ive aimed toward you... but nothing captures.

 we both know I love you,but that hardly matters.

About me.

(random stuff from online 'about me' section)


I will fight for the bare, the natural,the humble. the non superficial, the profound, the initial. I will not ache for poison, rather your love in my veins. Then again, I'm just a girl. I'm just a human being. Trying to make my way, as everyone else.

Never forget who you are. It is so easy. Even in the blackest dirt,even in the saddest grime, do not forget your spirit. Who lies underneath your skin and bones. For this, is why we breathe.

What makes me good is that I am bad and good.
What makes me pretty,is that I am honesty.

A complicated girl,with simple intentions. Love.


Diamond In mud.Those who see,are meant.
Those who don't,aren't meant to see.

___________________________________________________


Hail I, aries's queen. perhaps the last to kiss his lips,but richly the first to steal his heart. Forever stained. Forever dead tree.

I'm part kitty, ice princess, fairy, vampire, mermaid, unicorn,dollfie, gelfing, desert dancer.

;) If you don't believe me.. you just have problems.

I like to lay on random roads,and look into the sky. I dance barefoot,and wear flowers in my hair. I wont restrict myself to what the brain tells me, but rather- where my heart will travel.

... If someone says "don't do it", I most likely will.

:p...just cos.

.... i said so.


I shall jump out of airplanes and off cliffs someday only after diving deep under oceans in my mermaid fin.. in harmony with all the waters glorious creatures.

I'm a bit of everything, A speck of all and beyond..
Paradox, Truly Ying and Yang. Light and dark. I don't believe in labels, or judgment. How can we stamp a single word or definition on a human being? A human being full of so many complex internal layers, beautiful energy,and raging spirit?

Dreamer. Belly dancing,Animal loving,book reading,Tree hugging, Astronomy adoring - Earth lover, nature lover. Peace Lover. Hippie at heart.

All I need in life,is a pair of jeans, my guitar,and my jesus tee.
;)

I'm constantly covered in bruises and scratches and cuts I cannot recall, my mom says its because I listen to the song too much.

They call me Naive, I say they are just all too sheep too alike. Who wants to take my hand and step out of the box,with me? Forget these safe zones,the lace of restriction blisters my skin.