Saturday, November 6, 2010

My heart swells like water at weight, can't stop myself before it's too late.

"You could have any guy you want."

They all say the same thing, as they look in my eyes,and run their fingers through the tips of my hair. That familiar, uncomfortable sigh. The breaking Point. The bitter goodbye.

I know whats coming next, I know whats coming so well, that I called it moments long before. The sarcastic rolling of my eyes, the abrupt pulling away from his hold.

He laughs sympathetically , the enthusiasm of his tone,is pitying me. He still insists I am so cute, down to the end. Down to the hateful glare of my eyes, down to the resentment in the air. Down to the separation of our paths.

Sweat on our skin, in a winter surrounded car. A part of me knows they don't fully mean to walk away, but.. they have to. All of them. It just...doesn't work out. for so many insane,individual reasons.

"Its not you, Its me."

Its ironic,the situations I swim into...

I'm not afraid, really. SO fearless, that I dive in quicker when they tell me to get out. Or even when I see a wave turn ahead, I still continue to float deeper.

This is why, I hesitate. Because, I don't
hesitate. If that makes sense.

Because I believe. I am tenacious. determined. An artist.

Even if things don't seem right, I'll fight to alter, to paint them until they are.

Sadly, I don't realize... that is highly impossible.

I'm sweet. I'm smart. I'm funny. I'm beautiful.

Their list goes on and on... princess.. adorable...dream girl.

Delicate, baby-like, rose girl.

But all of them? End their sentences the same.

Dangerous. Tempting.

Am I just a sin? Am i just soon your repression? Deprive me. Your inner confusion, your inner indecision uses and abuses me.

Some say they aren't good enough. They have froze in awe at the thought of my fascination. But are these mere, distractions? manipulations.. remedies to pull out even faster?
To shift the spotlight of THEIR decision. I am just the dancer, on his stage. In his theater. He is always..always in lead. Always in charge of our steps and choreography. I just sit back,in silence...respecting whatever way he tosses and throws me,pushes and pulls me. As long as he loves me, I crawl..

So he can look again, into my tattered eyes,and run his fingers through my knotty hair.

I'm split in half. Light,and dark. Gemini at best. I know i'm beautiful, but I'm ugly,see... because if it was really as beautiful as he says.. why is he walking away?

I know i am special, because god shows me and loves me.
But..why..doesnt he?.. thus, I am not as special as they say.

is it because god is such a jealous god? He rapidly pushes out anyone who steps into my life,intimately. Is it because god tests me? God fights me on my decision. God looks down at me, and brushes my cheek, agreeing I am dangerous in the sense I fight him on my own life, as well.

Because I believe. I am tenacious. determined. An artist.

I feel I know best.

he knows if he were to suddenly gift me with overwhelming love through the flesh, I would abuse it. I would abuse it in the sense of adoring it too much ,it would take over me like a drug and I would forget the lord . Is this what the lord THINKS ? because surely right now.. my brain.. my spirit says that I would never do such a thing . but then that part of me..that sickness.. silently agrees. shamefully nods my head,yes to his clever assumption. He knows me..more than anyone . God. he knows my thoughts,my actions before I even mold them.

Maybe he is right. I not ready. I'm not ready yet. Not..quite yet.

Perhaps he feels I am not fully in love with him. Does he consider my faith shaky? Will he want me to grow in him first and foremost, before he me my way. For the better. for the good. "When you love someone.. TRULY love someone.. you want whats best for them." even if they dont realize its best for them at the moment?

In order to fully love someone else, you must love yourself. In order to love yourself, you must love the lord.

In order to offer someone something, the jar of your soul- completely full, you must know yourself. in order to know your self, and what you have to offer another, you must know the lord.

so this ,is my underconstruction. So this, is my current lesson.

So,this is true then. I'm beautiful,and im blessed to meet beautiful souls. We tangle quickly, I'm a fireheart. Passionate and racy,and so is he. We go aflame..and burn out. quicker than my eyes blink. Then im lost alone, with all on my mind...

I guess I just wasnt sweet,enough.

Tell me. Tell me.

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