Thursday, November 18, 2010

sounds like ana.

Her voice. Or the devils. Whoever is the mastermind.

I changed around some of the lyrics, so its fitting in my situation,probably others too.

[ana:] hey love,it's me again. The one you used to call your friend. I know you havent forgot me? Though you gained alittle,and some time has passed.

[you:] Oh yeah how could I forget? You've become a piece inside, cant shake off, though i resent. you always bring me sin,and agony. Just walk away,and let me be.

[ana:] Here you go with that again. You act like we're not cool or something. Let's go run a few laps or something. sit ups or plan a fast or something.

No, not again. I'm not trusting you
nothing but a drug in you
Thanks be to God I obeyed the teaching I was entrusted to
Cause when you pass by you just want me slip fast and backslide
weak,fatigue, strung out on reality
Have me feeling sick like I'm coming down off a crack high
dont know a thing, sense of anything-lost my own face, who am I?

Really? that's a flat lie
You act like I'm the bad guy
i know you better than anyone
You know when me and you get together, you open up- intimate- we have a GRAND time!
Let's take it back. All the way to age 12,
sitting in the bathtub looking down, at what disgusted you, no one was around.
they couldn't see it would soon define,
the sickness,statistics, doctors in white coats and clipboards analyze
Last thing on your mind back in the day was trying to live saved,
it was exercise. a plan. a way. time to change.
Not good enough for anyone or anything, what hope filled your eyes,only lies
hell, thought of sex or marriage- you were terrified.
all because the excess on your stomach
and the numbers on the scale, they'll try to take you away from me
soon be forced to turn backwards,blind. but we can make it through,alright. other ways to weigh,to peak.
follow me,follow my lead
let me help you take the pain away
fix the flaw,
cure the rage
Remember 5 days straight without a single meal?walking through Manhattan, high heels-almost skeletal?
darling that was innocent fun come on... there is no harm.

NOW don't start
See I live by the Spirit so I don't gratify
All those old sinful,sick desires that never satisfy

im a stranger to my own reflection, a liar. an addict.
i refuse to be a junkie to you, anything to get a fix
desperate, degrade myself and morals,
manipulate my spirit,innocence and ethics
scribble, rewrite over every time i promised i wouldnt cross a line

theres nothing attractive about being bones,
whats the rush?
soon enough death will already naturally come
no need to quicken the process
while we're still alive
stay strong,stay right.
ana loves me? thats a lie.

No, come on, KILL THAT!
Look me in my face and tell me I'm a lie
Youre not aching to expose some ribs, shrink your arms, protrude your spine?
concave your stomach strong, as chest bones intensify.. soon you'll feel perfect in that dress, as you melt away your thighs.
we were having fun until you found god,prayed the triggers and symptoms away,
desperately bled every hour to be alright,
you forgot about the one who loves you most,and holds you tight?

wait hold on, first of all LOWER YOUR VOICE AND LIES! If in hold, you mean suffocate- drain- strangle or choke? That yeah, youre right.
Chained and bound in your embrace, months seemed like centuries back in 09
isolated myself from the world and precious people i hold close
a stranger to my fiance,brother, own mother,and god himself?
sitting in my room with you,allday and allnight
too much space in my existence, too much of me you occupy

turns a good girl,lost. - smoker, user. shaking hands,always freezing in the summer
once cautious about every action,now without a care
take a drug to fulfill THE drug
anything to lose alittle here or there

I'll mess around and lose my life trying to walk in you
end up half dead, lethargic on a bed
still pretty with eyeliner on my eyes,yeah, but what about my feeding tube?
I'm standing in this world and i have the people who love me more,
What I look like trying ta gratify this disease in me? god,beyond all. the only thing I will adore.

So Now I'm a disease? PLEASE.. I have your back. your best intention at hand.
Im not saying drop 20 pounds in a single week, we can do it nice and slow- no one will suspect.
All I'm saying is when it's you and me, a cure beyond any stupid church,
the ugliness you feel starts to go, you should expect.
We dont have to get ourselves locked up in-patient first month or so..
Maybe just a lil...

What? A lil this, a lil that, a lil skip this meal here, turns into a full foodless week that's like a lil crack, see you dont have to lie to me
I know the monster you really are, you see?
full blown binge tonight releases the new frantic bulimic in me
And that's in no way honoring the God who's ruling sovereignly

[ana:] baby, you know you miss the old days, feeling smaller, feeling taller, dizziness wont last the whole way,trust me, you know how it works. blow away,forever feather. thats what matters, its worth it- trust me, lets get together. almost pass out at first, pins and needles in your hands and legs,arms heavy to pick up, dont forget the thinning hair and headaches. but it gets better.

but after that i straighten up, and think of jesus holding up
his skin up on the cross for all the weeks of restriction and throwing up
every thought of wasting away is captured in this flowing blood
i start thinking philippians 4:8 when youre showing up.

[ana:] You know Im not gonna quit right?

Yeah I know and so they say,
survivors relapse everyday,
maybe i'll take you with me to old age
but I'm dead to you, you mean nothing.
And one day I'll be present with Jesus who died and bled from you
Colossians 1:15 that's the God that I trust in
The Father crushed Him
In doing so he has crushed sin


  1. my friend asked me if i was ok earlier..i told her eating disorder was bad lately, getting worse. she said i can talk to her about it if i want to but i don't have to. i want to but dont know how. this describes a lot of how i feel. can i post her to this?

  2. of course you can :) I hope you're okay<3 I know I am a stranger but you can talk to me if you'd like! I'm here for anyone.

  3. ty hun that means a lot. i just feel like i'm dissappearing into a black hole and no one is noticing. my heads consumed with this thing. i hate it but i love it too. its so messed up :[ you are such a good writer btw x

  4. trust me, i know what you mean.

    I have often myself,stated and unraveled the sharp truth,the sometimes ugly rawness of the human mind:

    sometimes whats worse than being in denial of having a "problem" ,is KNOWING you have a problem, but not being able to fix it, or just merely having no DESIRE to fix it.

    I try to understand this illness,everyday. I try to understand myself, my thoughts.

    "am I thin? am I fat? Am I well? am I sick? Am I happy? am I sad? Do I want to get better? Do i want to suffer? do i want to stop, do i want to continue?"
    there is no logic in this... its truly a chaotic, psychedelic wonderland. we are all an alice.

    i fear no matter how many psychologists psycho analyze it, there will not be an absolute "understanding" or initial cure. at least not here in this least not on earth.

    but we need faith,we have to push along. we have to. even if "pushing along" means shoving a few meals down our throats, moving forward with no particular aim,at least we are moving. at least its one step closer out of the "dark" , at least its one faint shade of gray closer to "light",at least they say.even if the effort simple means calling up anyone when we feel like purging is about to be a lovelyy consideration, or just coping with this in general.

    i am not sure there is a cure,to be honest.
    i would be lying if i came out and said that,or if i even attempted to think that. because i dont.

    i believe in god,and love him so.. but i dont believe he will,or necessarily wants to cure every anorexic. just like how he doesnt cure every cancer patient, or prevent child molestation or murder.

    some things in life happen.
    some things, perhaps god has orchestrated for us for a purpose. an amazing, beyond our comprehension-reason. maybe the lord does give us pain, to open doors,even if we think they are closing. to humble. to bring us initially closer to him,or cliche as it sounds "make us stronger" even if it seems to only be sucking the life out of us. some things we dont understand right away, but in time, in wisdom, in the presence or closeness of god,we will.

    but then..maybe there are things (some bad things) god DIDNT give to us..and doesnt want to be blamed for certain illness we have obtained,because they are man..made?

    situations that lead back to childhood, hereditary habit,etc..who knows though.perhaps god is ruling of genetics as well.

    i dont know.

    all i know is,
    some things are god made.
    some things are man made.
    we will not know exactly ,why or how we feel this way. no matter what statistics or studies say. and we will not know,why there is no specific light switch magical,holy cure,
    or if there is a god..why wouldnt he stop it (the illness) when we pray out to him,or stop it just in general? but we have to push along.and we have to have faith,that there is reason for this all.

    and btw thank you :) I dont study writing,or anything about it,really.. these words are just all in my heart..brain..spirit.. pouring about. nothing particularly divine.

  5. I have a completely different understanding of God to pretty much everyone I know. O.o

    It just occured to me that God is only a spirit that makes up all good things, but he needs a little bit of evil to survive. It's like the world needs a purpose or else there is no motivation, no beautiful challenges. So that's where evil has it's place. I mean no love is perfect, it's the lows that make the highs so exciting, like going on a rollercoaster, if we stayed high we'd be dizzy, we wouldn't know how high we were because we forget what it feels like to be low.

    But even though we can't stay high all the time, we can sometimes, you have to try your best to get high, to find God as in the good spirit that will take you there. But trouble always has it's part.

    Rilke said "perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave".

    It's hard to explain, look at my blog entry about snakes and ladders.

    I'm not even attempting to understand an illness as complex as this but all I can say is that a few things in my life had made me so scared and helpless and I knew it was only me that I had and that I needed to love myself somehow to find strength. So I just looked in the mirror one day and screamed out "I'm FUCKING BRILLIANT" and then burst into fits of laughter. I looked like a complete loon bag but it kind of WORKED?? Not that I love myself now all of the time, that's unrealistic. But I feel more fearless, I'm making more changes.

  6. are so the Woman now.
    I am so proud ov you.
    Guess what?
    I've had a freekin kidney stone passing this week. unnh.
    But I am fixin' to write to you right now...
    it is always RIGHT NOW
    that's the good part, eh?
    * ; )
    ~ beefy-B