when i found you,you were cold and dark.
your body,dead and lifeless
you were still and loveless

I believe we grew
and instead of in a healthy manner,like most..
instead of two lovers, floating in love,and bliss next to one another
we entwined, and became each others life
attaching at the soul,
connecting within hearts
Our skin has created something beautiful,
but what most would consider, an Illness


.. we are not mere two fools in love,
we ...become , simply one.

When the other half of your soul is missing..

The pain i feel inside,is like a long,throbbing ache
a cancer filling the body,
infecting the organs
poison swimming in my veins
pain so unbearable,
thickens into agony
I'm meant to handle,
I'm forced to endure
a "process"they say.
A slow death
the loneliness taking over
the sickness too extreme to handle
i wish to be transparent
i squirm,i toss and turn
in bed
i stare blankly at the ceiling
my lifeless hand setting on my stomach,
the other wrist turned above my head
sometimes i am lucky and i have no movement
motionless,dead.
other times, reality sets
and I want to jump out of bed
nervously,achingly pace back and forth,
biting my fingers raw,until there is nothing left
but sore,pink flesh
i am cold,but the room is hot
i grow goosebumps or sweat
my body cringes,
I grab my stomach and hunch over in pain
i want to scream
there is no way out
i am forced to stay
sometimes yearning to crawl out of this skin...

My bedroom.

So, my furniture is yet to come.. But I am really excited on how I am going to "design" this room of mine ;p

I have decided to fill these walls with everything that reflects my personality.




Photography
Art-(paintings)
FASHION-(magazine cutouts),
Inspiration- belly dancing images,
Legends- Marilyn monroe, I have always adored her ever since I knew of her existence
Fantasy/Surrealism(unicorns/mermaids/princesses/faeries,ballerinas,even goblins?)
Environments-Beach,forests,deserts,gardens,
Mark ryden ;) gets his own category.
CONCEPTS- Lolita lolita ;p Oh what is a room without expression of the things we adore? the things that possibly...make us?

Just a couple of days ago, I went into a home store,and saw the most mesmerizing,beautiful,painting. Whos elegance inspired my default photo. It was a painting (by who, I do not know!) Of a beautiful woman, in the Victorian era,sitting in a chair with a beautiful silk wrap. She had such a lovely side profile,and beautiful hair. So divine. so feminine. So delicate, yet powerful .I stared at it for so long, I didnt want to leave the store! Soon, hopefully I will have that painting. :) It was so huge, Will most likely take up most of one wall. but I adore it.
I also saw a beautiful painting of an autumn scene. The auburn/burgundy and amber colors stood out so much,and again,hypnotizing me with beauty and strange...yet pleasurable cognition..

I love staring at a painting..or smelling candles for cognition
sends so many feelings in my head
and inspires me so much.

just looking at the autumn painting, I thought of almost.. alittle story in my head.. or movie if you will. of what would and could go on in the painting...wishing these places where real life, so i could visit them if they werent already.

was bored tonight,so by my closet.. (I like to call the little fashion area, full of clothes,my collection of shoes,socks (mostly my fancy for knee highs) bags,neck ties,and hats... I decided to put back up my old fashion mag cut outs! ;) mostly urban outfitters cut outs. I love beautiful images. I want to full my room with this.



I dont mind if everything clashes, as I have said.. I want it to reflect and express ME.. I dont care if it seems like one big clutter, as long as its a clutter of art i enjoy.I want EVERYTHING I adore to be in my room, not just one thing. I want all the odds,and even, all the elegant,and edgy,all the soft and loud. everything ;)

Oh, I love himmm.

Date written: Nov 20, 2009 9:03 PM

Why do you beefsteaks, pork sausages... in your pictures? What does meat means for you?









"I wrote an essay about this: I've been asked over and over why I paint meat? «I suppose I have to admit one of the reasons I like to paint meat is because people do wonder about it so much. There are actually many reasons. One of my primary thoughts was expressed simply by Virgil Crow when he wrote "Life is a great illusion". We are creatures of pure energy and "Meat" is the element that keeps us here. I think about how "Meat" was once part of a beautiful living creature that has then become an inanimate "substance" that we treat with little regard or awareness of what it once was. It was once alive. Recently the Austrian artist Flatz made the news when he dropped a dead cow from a helicopter in Berlin. I don't care much for this kind of "shock" art but there was a very interesting part of the story. An animal loving teenager attempted tolegally stop the performance. The court rejected the complaint because the cow had the legal status of food. That fascinates me. At what exact point does the animal cross the line and become meat? From the Bible, Matthew 26:26 "And as they were eating, Jesus took bread and blessed it, and broke it, and gave it to the disciples and said, Take, eat; this is my body." I have found this Bible verse the source of much curiosity.How bizarre a ritual Catholics partake in each Sunday as they eat the body of Christ in communion. The literal interpretation of this can be the source of endless visuals from the humorous to the horrific. There is an obvious horror connected with the meat industry. The blood, the gore, the inhumane butchery. So many of us indirectly participate in this with our ravenous consumption of meat. Sue Coe has explored that arena exquisitely in her work and writings. In my own art I am not personally making a statement or judgement about the meat consumption in our culture.I feel more like I am just observing it. Just like T-rex, I myself am a passionate meat-eater. I feel that the consumption of animal flesh is a natural primal instinct just like sex and making paintings. But there is that paradox of knowing how that scrumptious porterhouse made it to my dinner plate. We have lost any kind of reverence for this. It would beinteresting if people would have to kill an animal themselves before they earned the right to eat it. Beyond the conceptual impact, meat simply has a very strong visual quality. The wonderful variety of textures and patterns in the marbling of the meat is sumptuous. Subtle pinks gently swirl around with rich vermillions and fatty yellow ochres. These visual qualities alone are seductive enough to make meat the subject of a work of art. Meat is glorious to paint. It is so easy to transcend the representational to the abstract. Meat has been a subject for painters from Rembrandt to Van Gogh» "-(Mark Ryden for Juxtapoz Magazine, October 2001).




Forgive the top not making sense,I simply copied and pasted it off of an interesting website,that was how it was written!

Stereotypes.

Alot of people have alot of different perspectives of who I am. As people do with everyone, of course, nothing unique or special.

I'm a different person to my mother,than the person I am to my boyfriend,then the person I am to my doctor,then the person I am to my brother.

Alot of people have.. no idea. Theres a very scarce amount of those who actually hit the nail on the head,or at least begin to understand the tip of a few layers of me, (or desire to attempt).


Some times I enjoy being able to float from persona to persona.. Like an undercover secret agent. Like a sly actress.. Pulling off different hair colors and clothing styles... Thats all that people can understand,comprehend..or see nowadays. Hmm... Or maybe.. These "days" have no relevance,and they have never seen beyond that, ANY day..whether it being now...a days..or hundreds of years ago. ;) So I am going to scratch that "nowadays" term off of my brain.

If I look a certain way,Its all that I must be? If I look a certain way,the depth lies within the material of my clothing.. IT t all ends here, like a restricted area. And If I look that way,it must mean that everything else beyond and underneath that,MUST align and follow up,supporting the initial appearance?

example: If I am blonde, I must ONLY listen to britney spears and care about makeup.
If I have BLACK hair, I must ONLY listen to metal, and dress gothic.


I'm Pretty,So I must be a bitch.

I have Big lips, So I must inject them.

I have skinny arms/legs,So I must be anorexic.

I like hello kitty,so I must be "scene".

I got drunk,and cut off my hair one night..
After realizing What a mistake and tragedy that was,
I bought Extensions..So,I must be scene for wearing them too.

I wear Skirts,So I must be a slut.

I take revealing photos,So I must be easy.

I don't reply to every message,comment,or pic comment..
So I must be a stuck up,Ungrateful,and unappreciative Little bitch.


I'm friendly to both sexes,..
So I must be excessively flirtatious,thus,I'm a whore.

My hair is dark,and sometimes Falls over my eyes,
So I MUST be emo.

I write emotional poetry,and I'm not afraid to Express myself,
So I must be even more Emo.

I have a ton of myspace photos,
so I must be self esteem less,Craving Attention..
and fishing for compliments.
Strangers on myspace,Have a huge effect on my life,
because other's opinions must Boost my ego.
My Self esteem must revolve on the New pic comments!Sign I see.

I photoshop some of my photos,So it MUST mean I'm
secretly hideous and unrecognizable in person.

I say I'm deeply in love,but it must be bullshit.. Because I'm Young.
I say I'll want the same person,and care for them forever,but It must Mean nothing,
because I'm Confused,I have lack of experience,And I'm still yet to mature.


Alot of people..naturally stereotype without thought,its a part of our human nature,sadly. But I really respect/admire/am drawn to those who see so deep and beyond, to those who REALIZE,there is so much ..to everyone. We are puzzles,stories,equations. There is so much more to us than our bodies. There are stories and beautiful fairytales waiting to be told beyond the soft or coarseness... the touch of our human skin.

do I not seem like the "type" to you? .. Or.. "Oh..does it SURPRISE you that I am interested in this or that?" all because I look like.. that or that? They have NO idea. Is this why I am so seemingly significant once you get to know me?? Because I dont..fit within your stereotypes? I'm just...me.

Mmm thought this was interesting!

I didnt write any of this, I came across it on a blog posted by a woman named Barbara Bartlein, The People Pro

Thursday, October 27, 2005

How to Deal With Energy Suckers (Negative People)

We all know some; maybe at work or even at home. The Energy Suckers. They will suck you dry if you fall into their trap.

Energy Suckers are negative people. It’s easy to know when you are with them because the longer the exposure, the more drained you feel. You try to avoid them, but Energy Suckers thrive on spreading bad tidings so they seek you out. They show up in your office, at meetings, and family gatherings.

If they call you on the phone, your stomach starts to hurt as soon as you realize who is calling. While you pretend to listen, you are really thinking of a way to get off the phone. In fact you try to return their calls when you know they won’t be at home or at the office. You just want credit for the call; you don’t really want to talk with them.

While you don’t want to join them in the mud, they seem to know when you are vulnerable and try to pull you in. You may even find, to your dismay that you agree with some of what they are saying.

So how do you protect yourself? Here are some of the common types of Energy Suckers and how to deal with them:

• The Seagull—These are often managers or supervisors. They fly by when everyone is busy with a project, deposit garbage all over and soar away after destroying enthusiasm. They tend to pick at details like they are combing the beach, making negative comments as they work. They leave staff and co-workers feeling defeated and unappreciated.
  Solution: Obtain careful clarification before starting a project. If there has been confusion in the past with this Sucker, you may want to get things in writing.
• The Yeh-Butts—While they pretend to be friendly, their real focus is on the negative. They often use the phrase, “Yeh, but…” They then describe why the procedure, idea, or approach couldn’t possibly work. Experienced “Yeh-Butts” extend their method to other areas of life as well. If you mention the great weather, they say, “Yeh, but it’s supposed to rain by the weekend.” If you tell them they look nice, they say, “Yeh, but this dress really isn’t in style anymore.” They are not happy and they want you to know it.
  Solution: Ignore Yeh-Butts and their awful phrase. You may want to charge a quarter when ever someone in the office or at home uses the “Yeh, But” phrase.
• The Muck Mixers—These are the folks who love to stir the pot. They look for gossip or “information” that they feel they must know and then take it upon themselves to disseminate the dirt. They adore turmoil and conflict and will feed both if given the chance. Muck Mixers often “keep score” and tend to remember obscure information that can hurt others or their reputations. They are sometimes hard to ignore because their information is SOOO interesting.
  Solution: Avoid them like the plague or you will also become fodder for discussion. Their lack of productivity will eventually catch up with them. Make sure you are not standing next to them when they go down.
• Melvin Milktoast or Dorothy Doormat—These are the male and female equivalents of the Martyr. They are absolutely convinced that no one has seen the trouble they have. No one works as hard as they do. And they are the only ones who do not get a break. They seem to find trouble and then want everyone to know how they fix things at great personal expense. They may try to make those around them feel guilty with their superhuman efforts.
  Solution: Let them work. You have worked too hard to have a balanced life to fall for this game.
  
  Stay away from the Energy Suckers in your life. Spend your time with people who lift you up…not pull you down. You will find your own energy to be contagious.

posted by Barbara Bartlein, The People Pro

Beauty is poison

Dont tell me its wrong to be beautiful
dont tell me its wrong to be soft
dont force me to compromise,or subside my roaring tide

dont punish me for being in the middle
dont say I am all things promiscuous,and vile
dont despise me for capturing others eyes

its ok to have soft skin
its ok to have deep eyes
its ok to have full lips
its ok to have hair, long
its ok to have a dancing figure

dont try to change me

dont try to put out my burning flame
youre not water,
you never were.

why cant I touch
without having to touch
why cant i look
without having to love


I am not trash, I am elegance


Why cant I just be?
Why cant I just remain
?
without a storm having to raise
and a million of moving lips,speak of rumors and hate



dont label me for the stockings on my legs
accept me,for who i am.


its ok to be sensual,
it doesnt mean I crave anothers lips
its ok to be sensual,
it doesnt mean i belong to anyone else besides you.


dont resent me,for being a woman.

love child

Young girls fascinate me..
their soft hair,
shiny strands glistening in the warm sun
undressing her with its heating rays..
down its flickering,
down
down
beating like a wild African drum
scent of flowers
images of blowing into white little puffs,held fragile on a green stem
there the particles fly,into the gentle spring breeze

young girls fascinate me
their delicate skin,
smooth and unaware
fresh, yet sensual

a forbidden fruit

tiny white babydoll tops
hung right below knee
you look so pretty in your cotton nighties,
as you play in the forest,
scrawny legs
bruised long,and pale
sharp elbows, dirty from the rough hike
and scraping against the raw forest ground
leaves,acorns and deep maroon rugged bark

little girl,
long brunette hair
shiny strands glistening in his view
undressing her with his soaking eyes
down its going
down
shes going
down
down
loving like a curious love child
in the gentle spring breeze,she loves.

Just a day in the rain.

today,i got caught in the rain.
soaking wet,drenched and freezing as every breeze felt like ice on my skin..

In every interesting weather,I think of him.

I always have this image of him floating up in the sky somewhere controlling all the storms and windy days ;p

It was so beautiful,yet sad at the same time.

As I was walking alone, i felt ..connected.
to something.
to someone.
to something,AND someone?

perhaps to him

perhaps to the universe as well.
to my spirit,my power within.


suddenly,

I really felt the fear inside release from me..
as I smelt the rain hit the burning gravel,
earlier hot from over 100 summer weather..
as I felt the wind in my hair..

i felt so alive


finally.

a feeling of liveliness.


I was thinking of bleaching my hair blonde,until i smelt the rain.
until I realized..why?

why change?

why do my hair?
if all that matters..is this universe.
is this..sensation.right here.

how would i keep up with roots if I someday truly decide to live in a forest somewhere?
far from sallys beauty supply shops..
hahahaha
and at that moment,
hair styling felt...so so wrong and shallow to me.

and all i could think about..
was.."this is all i need in life. just me...me and the ground beneath my feet.me and this wonderful nature,mother earth and sky in the sky above me."

"Live for yourself".

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Its going on 10 in the morning, and I'm sitting here thinking. I have this anger built up inside of me... yet its not really "Anger". I guess its more so.. FRUSTRATION from witnessing people laying down in weakness. So many people slaying their own willpower. I am hurt to see so many people..hurt themselves. So many people.. So blind. So ...tired. So unaware. And in the most compassionate way possible, its quite pitiful. excuses,excuses,excuses, only masking fear. Skylar showed me a beautiful way of life. A way of life,that I cannot snap out of my head. No matter how many times I swallow or blink,its as if its engraved within me.. Hes rubbed off on me.. allover me. And I know now. I See things so differently. I cant explain this outlook on life.. Many can pick and find little contradictions in the nooks and crannys between this philosophy if you really try hard enough.. ( i know I did,when I listened to his words at first. but it was only because I Was at a time in darkness ... so his words of light seemed so...surreal...so made up,and funny.) to many, sure,at times it may even seem impossible or silly.. because its pure...simplicity., and as humans,we are ANYTHING but simple. so complex and troubled..so layered in depth and contrasted with complication.. but really... all in the end, it is completely..and utterly....simple. yet its still as if our minds cannot comprehend it. or perhaps..fighting against comprehending it. It depends on your desire. that's what i think. desire to fly,or desire to sink. so many things in this world..all operate on desire. what we want,what we are drawn and attracted to.. whether it being positive or negative desire... healthy or harmful desire.. Ive also realized..nothing is really official.. nothing is really long term or infinite. An emotion,is an emotion and it doesnt sit still in motion like dirty pond water... like a season passing like a tide subsiding we change. EMOTIONS change. thoughts change. unlike that dirty pond full of dead water,and lounging mosquitoes.. in life,there IS circulation. there ARE patterns and cycles. everything...has a cycle. and I am personally convinced,everything passes. may not pass for forever... but it does..pass. may be BACK again, but only if you let it. we all have a choice in this. I could go into detail.. but I wont,because the answer is in: simplicity. Saddness is but a moment. its beautiful to feel pain sometimes, because what would life be without it? what would HAPPINESS be without it? its natural.its beautiful. something I wrote, I love to endure in life..: "loving,feeling and then crying and bleeding. socializing, and having social anxiety. being neglected,just to be nurtured. being broken,just to heal and mend. Giving up,and then starting allover again. Starting allover,and then giving up again." I think that completely sums it up. I'm tired of thinking I "cant" do something. Im tired of doubting myself. Im tired of lack of confidence,or fear. I'm tired of taking myself for granted,and being like the millions of those... bind...tired..and unaware. Why do we cheat ourselves? Why do we set excuses? why do we shake in fear,only to soon crawl backwards into our shells? What are we AFRAID of??! Hes gone now. And so are many people across this universe. Before you know it, its over. I'm angry when i see people let others,or disorders defeat and overpower them. to me,its like they are laying down for death. Mental,maybe even physical...death. I'm angry when I see people paint a sad face and let a hardship defeat them, instead of FACING,CHALLANGING and DEFEATING the hardship. I honestly cannot say I have changed this way,only because I have lost someone. becuase that would be a lie. he wasnt just ANY someone. in the least bit of offense, if he was just "any"someone.. my entire being would not flutter in the sense it is now. my life wouldnt be changed,like it is now. and I know everyone who knew him can say the same,without any bit of hesitation. I watch my mother suffer everyday. I watch her never take control over her own life. I want her mope and moan instead of clench her fist and actually get to setting things right. if you lay down once,you better be willing to lay down forever. because sometimes all it takes is that one time..to get to your head.. and lie to you with bad,terribly negative thoughts.. telling you what you cant do. weakening you. I watch my grandparents live life like they could care less. Limiting and cheating themselves because of their age.. treating themselves like they are cripple,or dying of cancer.. like they "CANT",like they are "UNABLE"even though they BOTH are in perfect health. I watch someone I love, hate the world. The beautiful world. telling me things..at times I Feel like hes trying to convince me into hating it too,but i wont. everything is so beautiful. everything is how you make it.. how you perceive it. there are many vile things that go on on this land.. war hatred abuse rape poverty corruption (being an animal lover,I know the crulety and abuse that goes on just so you can have that juicy steak in your mouth) sometimes Its hard for me to NOT hate humanity.. but then i realize.. its ok. everything is in perfect place. even If the economy goes to shit. we are alive. and we all have to REMEMBER, it is so short being alive, and having the ability to live,breathe,feel,and think..is so surreal. and can be so difficult.. but we HAVE to remember, its all about simplicity. All these bad things,we have to accept. we dont have to agree. I cant honestly say im 100% one of those people who try to "Change" it either. ITs not because I Don't want to,(because god knows, I do) Its just naturally perhaps because I have learned to accept it. I'm not a fan of our government.Im not a fan of people killing each other,and i'm not a fan of kfc or butcher shops hah.. but If I cant convince everyone on this entire planet to become vegetarian or vegan and if i cant make every country get along.. then I Will have no choice but to accept. I will stray from the things I do not agree with,and move on to create something I consider beautiful and peaceful. In my mind, we are all living on this land.. united. yet we are all placed here separetly individually and alone,in our minds. the simple cliche line: "we are born alone,and we die alone". Is not a bitter term or phrase. we are born alone...we live into love,compassion and feeling,and then we die alone. we are united,yet we stray. At the same time of being in a crowd,its like we are the only one there. all of us. In my mind,we are all free sprited ambitious,adventurous,determined,exploring hippies making love in wild fields and swimming naked in rivers. hahahha. instead of living selfishly for others, we are living selflessly for ourselves. and thats what skylar showed me. live for yourself.

Its been a while. Just updating/storing.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Potter... are you on ur broomstick without me? June 5th seems like just yesterday... and I smile every time people ask me about my tattoo.. but to be as frank as a papercut, i miss you and some may think im crazy and most may say ive gone mad I admit,at times its an incomprehensible energy the spiritual connection we had and some may think ive lost it and most may say the pain within,is nothing compared to theres I admit,to the average it will seem that way but they dont know that thing we shared how could u care for a mind u laid miles and miles far away how could u feel the hands that were never felt i wish i could say, yes u seem just like yesterday Now I walk around your little fraternal twin living on with ur mind in my heart I wanna lay naked like you did Your voice seems so close yet far a dimming sound in the back of my mind and I cry as I glance beyond our galaxy stare into stars,is that where u reside? how could u care for a mind u now lay miles and miles i dont know where,yet so far away how could i see the eyes i never stared into i wish i could say, yes i had the chance to look at u u seem just like yesterday infinite and magical majestic,mystic beautiful those who know, well..they know and i dont have to repeat myself. that girl u loved, i know u loved her well im not trying to take what u shared away from u but everything is significant on its own, and i know u would agree with that too As street spirit remains on replay I think of all the wonderful things u said and in ur arms,u tried to guide as I refused, I just didnt know back then.. You touched me forever, Forget,i will never Changed my life you said you couldnt wait until our "iloveyous" were screaming from inside,wanting to get out and im sorry... i never felt to say that but that one night when i was in bed, it was as if i felt it. how could u care for a mind u laid miles and miles far away how could u experience the soul that costs gas money just to feel close enough to i wish i could say, yes you feel just like yesterday you said alcohol is good, if you drink it wise saved me from the ghosts never told a single lie Sensai Potter, i am ur young grasshopper hermione are u now.. on ur broomstick flying high without me? and now.. i am laughing i am... crying i dont know how to label what we shared a friendship? acquaintance ? affair or rivalry u liked to challenge couldnt be taimed a little blue bird ninja in a cage how could u care for a mind u laid miles and miles far away how could u feel the hands that were never felt i wish i could say, yes you seem just like yesterday at times i want to walk outside stand two feet planted underneath and turn around, only to fall fall fall fall backwards ..into the sky so I could see.. So I could blissfully,luckily say...yes. Where can I reach you? It isnt fair.. Why cant it be fair? What if i want to see you? What if i want to talk to you? what if i want to HUG you? Who will save me from the disgustingly vicious 4chan clan now? how will I do this..without you. I feel like no one else gets it. You got it. you understood. You liked my school girl skirts and the excessive makeup I used to wear. My bottle cap collection,and our conversations of riding on the backs of screeching pterodactyls. You said it was okay for me to "pose slutty" because I am AMANDA..and AMANDA is NOT slutty,so its OKAY.OKAY for me to "pretend" as long as the truth was pure.. hahahaha You loved the poem I wrote you, and everytime I think of the millions of times after that one you asked me to write u another .. I cry. Because I put it off. I said maybe some other time.. and yet... wow... there isnt another time. how could u care for a stranger u laid on one side of this globe,the other which i play miles and miles far away how could u care for a cheek nude of ur kiss i wish i could say, i wish i could say... yes you feel just like yesterday. No matter how many times we fell out of touch, the moment we started speaking once more.. it felt like the first night. you'd call me your little amanda,and i felt so special. it felt so natural. I wish there was a place I could reach you.. a door I can open,and there I will see you. a window I can look out of,and there you will be. a wall i can press against,and behind you will stand. Tell me.. where can I find you? -journal entry The day after you were gone: "Where are you? Where can I find you? In the cracks of the sidewalk,? within the broken gravel clumps and fragments of the street? In the wind?? The cool air and powerful breeze, dancing in my hair,nearly knocking me over,off my feet. Lifting my dress,howling. Whispering to me. Are you now the rain? Pelting down upon me. soaking my clothes,now transparent and pure. Drenched hair and face,concealing my tears are you a bird? Didnt you say you believed in reincarnation ? that perhaps you were a bird in another life,and I was too.. that we knew eachother and thats why when we first started talking, we instantly connected and felt the similarity...FAMILIARITY? are you the sunset? peering through the beautiful white clouds above? the blazing,strong desert heat..impacting...sweating me.." how could u care for a mind u laid miles and miles far away how could u feel the hands that were never felt i wish i could say, yes you feel just like yesterday. will i ever fully go back to my shallow ways of eating doritos late at night and watching the paris hilton show reruns? Will i ever be a child toward the depth of this universe? So naive and careless to what lies millions and millions of miles beyond the crust of the simple earth. i cant.. now that you are gone,i feel like i'm on a totally different level than the girl next to me,picking out a pair of new heels. What is going through my mind? I may stare at these shoes..the surface of my being,desiring them so much.. but deep down, Its nothing I Want. So many things..so many questions.and natural curiosity... a need to analyze and find.. will i ever be able to rest in simplicity again? Potter,Im sorry i never felt enough to have u adjust ur tie around my neck. That girl u loved.. i know u loved her well u said it proud u said it yourself i could never compare ur beautiful love but theres things u said,amany and i know right now,u would tell me time never stays.,..time moves on what we had may not of had such a strong chance what we had may of been to young to say romance my hair may not be as soft my eyes not as bright but ur beauty, touched my life and some may think im dramatic and most may say im overreacting I admit,its completely unexplainable,irrational,nonlogical the beautiful connection we had may be hard to grasp impossible to understand As street spirit remains on replay I think of all the wonderful things u said and could still say and in ur arms,u tried to pull me close as I refused, and pushed u far away ..fuck... if only i knew then what i now know! extraordinary rare,special beautiful you are. those who know, well..they know and i dont have to repeat myself June 5th seems like just yesterday... I miss you. Apr 27, 2008 10:46 PM O DEAREST SKYLAR by:amanda. o dearest skylar your hot as fire your lips are probably softer than a coarse nail file-er. O dearest thine skylar. skylar,you like fashion and thats cool your soul is in such luck,because i like it too your voice,on the phone, is like an enchanted angelic tone O dearest skylar;holy one. we fight alot on aim, once on the phone,i think you almost came. sometimes I cant stand you but most of the time,we get along.. ... like bugs in glue. and a religious song skylar,youre always so very positive just like the sun that shines on the world each morning when we talk,sometimes i'm bitchy/upset or PMS suffering but our conversations are never boring our first conversation was of our similar interest in unicorns, i believe arent we friends to be? we both like the same things i used to be your little twin but if we were mermaids,youd have a bigger fin; cos you are bigger than me skylar,cant you see o dearest skylar im trying to rhyming but i am sorta failing O skylar your ghost stories are awesome but they made me really scared one night if you would of been there,i would of screamed like a little boy who sounded like alittle girl,and then grabbed your muscular body so tight o skylar i am sorry for being so nicholas addicted and mind wrapped all those nights,I pushed you away,you probably wont ever forget that cos i know you must think i am alittle pretty and sometimes i feel bad for being a disconnected little girl,i feel shitty you were the first person i ever confessed of wearing braces to i hope you always remember this i remember when i sent that video of a girl sucking off a guy when she was wearing braces to you and then you were probably thinking "oh no she didnt . shes not sucking my dick" o dearest skylar (stand by for comment #2) Apr 27, 2008 10:50 PM O DEAREST THINE SKYLAR Part TWO. by:amanda O dearest skylar sometimes your optimistic outlook on life,realy pisses me off but most of the time,and by the end of the day,i want to hug you and prevent your cough you always have perfect grammar and you use really big words in your sentences but i understand them cos i am such a good little poet.. and i know the size of appendictces..es..ez. oh skylar when you go travel the world for like two years i am going to miss you once you disapear i'll give you a teddy to take on your journey to always remember me and in the boys bathroom i think theres something called a uriny .. me and you are both weird but thats what makes us cool if we went out in public,people wuld get jealous cos thats the "im hot and i know it,so bite me,bitch"rules O dearest skylar we always like to compete with eachother and sometimes when we fight,i say "your mother" i like the time we compared the worst/nasiest porno sites over aim and i WOONNEd. remember the guy with the fish blow job?see.competetion=DONE. O dearest skylar im fucked up i know i am and you are too,kinda cos you eat ham and im a VEGGIE TARE E ANNNE! but i still really really like you you know i do you have good taste in expensive clothes buy me an icecream! and when i say "o rilly" you send me a picture of an owlll..(from photobucket)which is not eerie I remember your skylartopia story. Your ex girlfriend Is hot and If i was a guy,i'd want her too cos shes hot like you O dearest skylar Love, the one and only. Your Amanda Pod. Your hentai girl. Your little ballerina. Your wounded little unicorn. Your Hermione. P.s. My favorite super powers (if I had the chance to ever have one) will forever be flying. Thanks for asking.

Who am i? a part of you.

Not one for shallow things of the universe. As of June 5th,2009.. I am a changed person.

No one can comprehend the fire currently burning within me. A treacherous,powerful flame. Its more than beautiful,for its actual beauty. It flutters from baking,boiling heat,to frigid ice cold..

Ive found my moments of strength, yet in a few hours i'm yet to fall.

A mixture of pleasure,and pain... faint happiness and pure agony.


Between complete denial,and acceptance. Shock and realization.

Terrified of actuality yet it very well may be what lifts me off my feet...

here I am...replaying Street spirit and trying not to cry.
Planning my trip to see you..
Planning my trip to see the world..everything.


I feel like i'm alone now.

I feel like i'm talking in riddles and pretty phrases to airheads who can only mock and blink in confusion..
but honestly,i'm not trying at all..its just whats in my head..and i'm transitioning it into these... le t t e r s individually comming together, compounding into.. .meaning.

yet i dont feel alone at all. I feel you.. in my hair as the wind,above as the sky.below as the sand..
here in my head,my heart.
your voice,ur spirit.


you... you were beautiful. we..we were in sync. you understand,because you were drawn to the universe and now the universe is drawing me..

is it you? perhaps so.

I feel... a deadly,serious need.to feel... to live,laugh,experience. hurt,smile.break,build.

As of June 5th,2009.. I am disorder free.

The world looks so different now..everything is beautiful,more beautiful than it has ever been.

I dont understand the way anyone else feels.. because i'm too wrapped up in how I Feel..how you felt..

so nothing else makes any sense to me.

Ive strayed very very far from science, from..the typical. now into..a spiritual place.. the kind where nonbelievers could never dare to go,let alone lurk...
and it feels so alone here in this beautiful spiritual place of extravagant energy,.,

why couldnt I share this with you when i had the chance?

The story of Lo.

A deviant. A child fiend. A play thing.

Perhaps Candy land similarity.., yet not a game possible to play.

A womans mind somewhere tucked beneath the innocent flesh of a baby chest. The devils tongue at game within the raspberry lips of a mouth so tiny, metaphorically virgin.

I have become, she. What am I? More than beautifully structured words scattered on a page.. no revise,edit,censorship,filter or alteration. I am,out in the naked. long thin arms fallen against my bruised sides.. poking hipbones..screaming to be pinched,bitten or kissed.
Standing diagonal in lean upon the elder forest tree. Hot summer heat against my bright pink cheeks.. Dirty ground of wood chips,wild bush and egg corns.

Inhaling this solitude,a moment...I am with careless legs,bruised tomboy knee.. shoe less cut and sore feet. My umbrella is the
leaves of all these above my wavy ringlets. Soon to be dingy and raggy,texture of the weed once I run off this tiny hill into the river to cool off, beyond the.. story yet to be spoken.. words yet to be ..written.

I am,honesty.



- More than dramatically catchy,thrilling scenes on the big screen,pushing you to the edge of your theater seat. I am...the real thing.

Not a novel. Not a play. I am,hot breath, sweaty skin... elegant see through white and ruffled lace.
I'm hot through my pink lace,hes sweating through his rough jean...


Here are teasers,flashes,flickers and blinks.. of what I feel.. of Who I am.

I am living,breathing,existing.

Plump wet lips, when dry:broken cracked and blistered coarse
Big doll eyes, alluring stare
almond shape blows smokey feel
and natural squint
soft feel
fragile,delicate skin
dainty little hands,shaking
vulnerable on the inside,
never thinking,strong willed outside..

5 foot 4
toddler wrists,
all leg.


begging to be dominated...
see me lay,and you must pin down..
see me sit,and you must confront,
your strong finger resting on the bottom of my anticipating chin
see me STARE,and you must kiss..

never to be left alone..never to be left alone..

" I like being choked.Choke me".


snake bite,angel kiss
inviting thighs conceal against
lips,repressed
strength and happy weakness

confused.. do I want you? is this really what I wish?
Moan before u give in,then cry in the middle of getting it.

sweet candy taste

Lolita.

The story of lo.

The real thing,not a novel. Not a play.










A mature Philosopher deep within the childish giggles of a naive spiritualist.
A serious,deep thinker beyond the excessive cartoon watching,ice cream swallowing,doll playing habits,laid.


I am more than just what I visually,physically appear to be. I am anything but the typical. Anything but the average,or simple. I am anything but the assumptions,accusations,labels,judgments,guesses...estimations.

I am not one thing,I am everything.


A hippie who hates everything
A virgin who sucks cock
a Junkie whos against addiction
the spiritualist who supports science
the optimist dancing on the end of a bridge..






It all started today,and Today, I was confused... Thus, Accused to be sinister. Uncertain,unsure and high on my own insanity..
Strung along to a man I adored,long..
long days and endless nights towed..Stood by him,
so many buckets of commitment and devotion that it was sick
He never once willingly swallowed,but he sure did drown in it.

A heart of mine,innocent and fresh
soon ravished by blood, his words,lies,torment..
endless...
the master..
the sadist..
The lover.
The one and ONLY.

Im a kitten,calico and sweet
small,and patient
demure beneath his feet

He,is a man.
Cold,indecisive heart
Lost
Strong,powerful hands
lustful eyes
large tongue,
compared to mine..
large everything.

and I mean....

...everything.



handles me,not once merciful,
handles me... not once gentle.
but at times..he too,
succumbed confused,uncertain..unsure.

and at that, I had bled.

Today,I was confused.Lay back on a strange new bed.. My devilish eyes scream "I want!" like it was a piece of candy.numb to any consequence,an egnosic teen sweet tooth. Aching,and yearning was my puberty. What I wanted, was Not My master,my one and only staring back at me..

so hurt from the love I was deprived of
searching..searching..

so instead,I intake this stranger.
in the end,I am only human. I am full of flaw,mistake,contradiction. Place not blame upon me.. only mercy.

If you choose my masters shoulder to rub with sympathy,
or over mine,side with his perception...and feeling..
know that..

I have not done anything he hasnt already done to me.










They all say my tongue is small.

And at that moment, I knew I could get anything I wanted out of him. With one glance,a grip of power through sullen, dozy eyes.. hazing with desire. Drowning him with temptation,and I was not going to quit or contain this overflow. hot with reflection.. wet lips and swollen,ready between my legs.. Like a little cake baking..a pie in oven heating; waiting to be cooked and ready for taste.

Pocket sized: pixie,faery.
Pale Porcelain
fairy tale creature,fantasy.
carry me in your masculine arms to the sofa,large



They all tell me they are afraid they would break me.

So they wont put too much pressure upon me..

Limp,and scrawny
I lay here underneath u,giant...
Quiet,and puny
Hamster heart racing so quick,
intense,monster butterflies eating the organs in my stomach.
But you.. you are so confident.. You..you seem so certain.

Is it because youve been at this before?


There you go again..

acting too scared to put much pressure on me..

Is it my soft scent of the pulsating anorexia?
my endless skill to fluctuate.. Here u can smell it starving beyond the existing capacity of the microscopic pores in my skin; the unicorn blood in my veins, warm and pumping. The heart of life,unwillingly, thoughtlessly beating.. hear its quaint pitter patter through my chest.. rest your head..come.listen.

its tearing bones in my body..thick, fat, thin.



Is it my young age and mind growth?frail and fatigue.
is it my emotions, my feminine sensitivity?
is it because I'm considered a child,
that you think.. I am innocent,naturally?
innocent,Already?
by nature,and age?
by body structure,or hip size, width in waist?


Is it the way I look into your eyes?
without a sound,
head tilting back,
small nose, smooth cheeks..
muffling..soft moaning and whining.. mumbling.
then
chin cupped within my palm,.
You know what I want,and
does it make you hesitate..
from plowing and mounting...

away and away..

mmm away...and away?



He asked me if that was my puppy dog face. And at that moment, I knew I could get him to do anything for me. Through cost of endless cent,impulsive action or heartfelt feeling.

I was the prize,and he was tenacious at his winning.
I was the darling toy,and he was consistant at my string.

I whined and tugged on his sleeve;the addictive drug...satisfaction is mine with just one single word,kiss or grind..

selfish,needy..wanting.
I know exactly how to get my way. I know exactly how to get what I want.

here i lay on top,upon his trouser center. until the balloon bulges,fills..

Pop. Pop.


will you... if I continue?

I can see the pleasure in your face.

will you buy me icecream,if I continue? Will you finally give in?

I can tell by the way you quickly glance over if I pause..as if to scream at me not to stop..
the occasional fidgety motion in your impatient,needy hands,anxiously searching for something to grab,or take grip of..running your hand against my dress, lifting at my hips

I wore white today,because I felt pure..

You stare above,seeing through at my nude,tiny breasts.

...


to be continued.

quod me nutrit,me destruit.

here I am.
What am I to you?
What do I look like?
Can you see me within and through?
I'm not alone.

She'll always be a part of me.
everyday,I push her aside
stubborn,and angry
lounging alone in a corner so dark and cold
feet up, one sock slipping off,the other confidently pulled up

hand folding across my chest
the other inhaling from the cancer stick

"Dont talk to me"
Shes like my lover.
She must of done something wrong,
now I hold it against her

Dont want her,Yet I'm stuck with her.
dont Love her,Yet I need her,and cannot hate her

sore muscles from compulsive motion
raw throat from purge due penetration
growling stomach from abusive neglect
Dizzy head,I'm swaying I'm falling
Would stand on my feet,but the walls are much too inviting
I can float,I can fly
shaking hands,
they would assume I am on something..
I feel beautiful..

nervous,anxious
angry..
angry..at what?
at nothing

I'm dying
today..is today..
will it be the day I am taken in?

When they try to rid me of her poison
yet they do not know just how deep has seeped into my veins..

Thick black rings under my eyes
circles and proof of the cross Ive carried
for so long,it seems
yet only months
my name should be "strength"

Isolation,
I do not isolate,
because there is no one to run from

I cannot count anymore
1...2..5...10?
Reading,but the words rise upside down,
they break apart,shake and scramble
squeezing together so I cant tell the letters apart..

mystery bruises
new exposed rib in the cage..
aching,angelic physique
tenacious chest pains

my brain feels like its rotting.
loud noises make me jump,flinch, shake
bright lights hurt the surface
of who am I?
of who am i?
skellidoll.
skelli girl


Children sizes,
little girl clothes
baby breasts
and tight stomach,
shrinking waist

carry me..carry me..

a faerie,a mermaid
arrowhead,dasani,fugi, we float under a sea..
call me
thumbelina
call me
"strength".



yellow,brittle nails
shredding hair like a frail lions mane
a lioness laying on the hot plain,
weak in dehydration,dying
like the anemic skin of a bored snake
tiring of its own being
crawling,slithering far away

chapped,blistered lips cracked
my dry lizard flesh,
no lotion can take away


she'll always be apart of me
even long when the full calorie tea hits my content lips
virgin,
but i'll always still remain of her touch


her stain.

all through me

when years tow,
i can stare in reflection with eyes wide and finally guilt less

do you see this hair? long and full
do you see this body ? in liberal size,fed and large.
do you see these nails? in color,and strong
Healthy

my name should be strength.
my name should be strength

For all to see,my struggle
for all to acknowledge the pain ive endured
the cross ive beared
tried so hard to lift
no matter how weak my arms
or shaky my legs

no matter how fast the numbers decreased..

everyday a fight,
keep going..keep going..

fight against her
fight with her
fight against everything..


im sipping
chewing
swallowing

but here,shes still a part of me
always,will she

here I am.
What am I to you?
What do I look like?
Can you see me,within and through?
I'm not alone.
I am not one girl,I am two.



quod me nutrit,me destruit.

I was bigger,when I was 12.

5/3/09 Goals:


1) cut back on the snickers,chocolate and junk food.
Ive learned that there is still such thing as "healthy restriction".
Just because it may may MAY be okay to eat,doesn't mean its ok to eat complete SHIT food all the time.

Its not going to do me,my body,OR my teeth and mind any good aha.

So instead of allowing myself to remain the ultimate snickers junkie :P
I shall detox myself of this vile addiction and substitute a snickers with baby carrots and ranch dip,other vegetables or IF chocolate just cannot be refused: a chocolate cereal with soy milk,which isnt made of pure chocolate. I know I have some control and self discipline still left in me somewhere!

2) Continue eating. (aha cos you know,its that thing..you know..that HUMANS do? aha. I like making fun of myself sometimes. :P)

3) Continue taking Meds and vitamins. No matter how many times I forget in the morning,and how much I hate those meds. I need to take them still,I guess.

4) Exercise more again. At least once a day for 20 minutes.What harm can that do? If I feel myself start to become addicted or kind of compulsive again,i'll just quit exercising,right?



BUT I AM GLAD THAT:

I do not consume any soda. I stick to water,powerade 0 and 5cal raspberry crystal lite. ;) Yum yum.


I Do not eat any MEAT. Havent for years now.Animals mean alot to me. I cant ever see myself eating meat again.I am so glad and proud of myself for sticking strong throughout the clinic when they tried to make me eat it. So many people encouraged me and pressured me,tried to pursue me but my heart told me otherwise.

I'm glad I refused. I still put animals before myself. Even if they said recovery should come first,The thought of eating an animal would be too hard to bear at night. aha. :/

I need to stay strong with my instincts and passion.

Recovery should be SOME bit enjoyable and OUR choice. Not the insurance companies or clinic staff members.

I want to be comfortable with the decisions I am making,not forced to eat food that doesnt taste right in my mouth,OR mind.


I was thinking about going vegan again,
but I really do want my hair to grow out.
I'm scared if I cut myself of all dairy products,I will be still deprived of nutrition,thus,no pretty long hair. :/
and in that case,i might as well completely restrict again. Which i'm not really up for right now.

So I guess i'll stick to my soy milk,
and OCCASIONAL chocolate and egg and cheese breakfast croissant from burger king aha.


<3

Abstract nothingness.

Body:

White is my favorite color..if it is a color that is, Recovery is every other day in this hell I call my own. I fluctuate from sweet lolita to aggravated woman.. depending on how he makes me feel. a dungeon, a prison some nights i feel beautiful in my own vulnerability those nights,allowing him to press against me letting him put me to rest laying me down upon sheets he calls his own its your game,its your sword i take the roll of a doll in masters pity he says jump, and shes in the air the invisible exit, an impossible candyland i snap when im hurt quickly covering my wound with sand bits and tampered leaves damp and soiled from the rain night before and this mornings dew destroyed spiderwebs and ripped nylon fast,before he gets here! now,before he smells my weakness. hide, hide. It all floods within me.. sudden realization.. hits me in the head like a brick, scrapes against my cheek,I lose blood and chunks of skin welcome ur strength! farewell to little girl panties and baby feelings that break with every forgotten I love you or missed phone call no more will u slam me against walls and take control I am,in my own body confusion,contemplation indecision yet Ive grown a bra size no more, will I be your little girl at least not until alice eats the other side of the mushroom and falls back on your lap he says to poison and i can feel her sickness flowing through my veins.. his call, her cooperation. shaking from the smell of real cheese only plastic cakes and clay pizza please the tip of my hesitant tongue ive battered my own appetite teasing,tormenting,punishing what can i say? who else was going to do it? i had to take the job for a bit,while he was off duty. The story of Ana. The story of ana and her master

Just maybe

like a used handkerchief
tired and ragged
maybe,just maybe
i'll throw her away
if she wont throw me away

ive become a patient
of my own asylum
classy,and Victorian
yet still cold and worn out
we all bleed the same

maybe,just maybe
ive tired from
the rings under my eyes
the blisters on my lips
dizzy head,a sore brain
bleeding thoughts and aching heart

maybe,just maybe
ive tired from
a torn stomach and throbbing limbs
restless hours
ticking, ticking

the smell so wretched,
something dripping from my lips
after "healing"like they say I've attempted
but why does feeding feel so bad?

maybe,just maybe

its been a bit! i'm back though.

I feel like I have been putting alot of bad out there in the universe lately,and I deserve to suffer the consequences.
We get what we put out there,right?

although sometimes It doesnt seem fair.

with this ed,I feel out of my body,out of my soul,out of my control.
with this ed,i dont feel as if i have done anything wrong.
it has hurt me,but I dont think i have intentionally gone out of my way to hurt ANYONe or do any wrong to the world.


I dont sit here making myself feel horrid on the inside,
i dont sit here,HAMMERING these feelings into my brain until it becomes an engraved habit that sticks there,man made. I dont DO this to myself.

no.

It has just come to me,for what reason?for A reason.
Perhaps this will bring good and beauty in my life,once i over come it.


Do people MAKE themselves depressed?
do people MAKE themselves suicidal?
do people MAKE themselves have no self esteem?

I personally dont really think so.

You cant expect everyone to be in balance with their inner power.
With their spirit.thats what makes us human.
not everyone has the willpower,or..i should say..the DESIRE to want to obtain that self strength,the bliss,the positive energy.some of us spend all of our lives searching..until finally oneday even realizing its existence!

life is about learning,not being born with automatic knowledge and immediate answers.


what stuns me though,
is how people go about eating disorders...or ANY other disease/disorder of that matter..

[i just recently realized how hesitant people are when it comesto admitting either bipolar disorder,anxiety,phobias,etc]

It disgusts me to know how people ATTACK someone for suffering.how they HATE you for suffering. how they stereotype,categorize,mock and try to brainwash the world into thinking its A SIN or embarrassment to feel pain or suffer.

and on the subject of EDS,specifically:


Is your mind in the gutter?
have you been reading too many magazines?
You dont know,unless you personally suffer from it.
and trust me,its nothing like what the media expresses or how humanity shuns it to be.



It disgusts me to know how ugly and terrible people can be to eachother.
how human beings react..as animals would
once smelling even the slightest scent of weakness or blood,
they all surround to attack.
to gain up

sense negative energy,and what do humans do?they create MORE negative energy.
why?i cant comprehend this.
sense pain,and create MORE pain?

why?

Why dont we help eachother?why dont we love eachother? i dont understand this world sometimes.




I updated my about me section. thought i would post it on here to update everyone,I think it explained everything very well and I'm too tired to have to rewrite a whole different summary of everything for this post!

"You've come,which means you must be looking for a story.

Why are people so afraid of admitting their own flaws?Their secrets,weaknesses,fears?
Why are people so afraid of admitting to disorders,"diseases"?
Afraid of being judged?Or is it fear of being
disliked,mocked,made fun of,hated?
Afraid of being attacked? Afraid of being hurt?
Afraid of embarrassment? Afraid of feeling ashamed?
Afraid of imperfection?Afraid of...feeling afraid?

Well,I'm not afraid.



I'm Amanda.

I'm sure alot of you "viewers" out there have been
following my page for the last two years
or however long Ive had this account.


If so,you probably have a speck of an idea of the type of
person I am. From moments that has passed,from hair colors
Ive gone through,from clothing styles and photography
experiments. From themed set photos to blog rants,to
random bulletin posts and various layout designs.


over time,we take tiny pieces of people,(from what we assume)
and attempt to put them together..with our
minds,as if glue to a puzzle. To hopefully,in the
end..seek their final inner person.


At least you've naturally (as a human being,as humans do)
psychoanalyzed my entire persona by what you can see..by
what I directly express..and by what you've judged.. A single layer of who I am.

So tell me,am I a good person? or am I a bad person?
Are you god? have you the answers?are you to even say?
are you in the position,or do you hold the proper role to judge another,assume future,accuse reason,place blame?


Ive grown up so much within the last two years.
Ive experienced rapid rapid cycling,both metaphorical
and literal.[aha] There goes my attempt at being
funny.My little self pitiful,sarcastic pun. :P Lets all el oh el now shall we?


I'm way past using this website for simple reasons most
users would. AS you can probably already tell
from my "about me" section so far. I'm not here to
list my simple interests,hobbies, join your "whore trains" or post "PC4PC"s.


I'm here to express,I'm here to create.
i'm here to connect. I'm here to ..well.. Sadly,I guess you can say "entertain".Then again,arent we all entertainment in our own ways?

having said all of that,

I'd like to say.
I am a flawed,
sad,
confused,
lost
imperfect
troubled

HUMAN BEING.

Currently struggling with an Eating disorder,as of January 2009.


The reason why I mention this:

Is not to brag,to seek attention or sympathy,to sell,to pursue,or to advertise/glorify/glamorize/pollute or corrupt the universe with any negative energy.


I mention this,for the same reason in why I have ever created anything in the universe.
The same reason why Ive dyed my hair different colors.
the same reason why Ive experimented with different fashion.
The same reason why I have endured other situations.
The same resaon why I have opened myself up on this website,and exposed many of my deep feelings and beliefs.
I mention this before any one jumps to conclusion.I mention this to clear any fog or confusion.


I have merely,cut myself open for all to see.

and in relevance of addmitting to my ED,

I am thus, just...as always..cutting myself open for you to see.

Nothing more,nothing less.

this is nothing special,nothing new.

there goes ophelia,ranting,talking,expressing,creating,as always.

My ed has become a part of me.a huge piece.
So it would be foolish of me NOT to mention it,when it has affected me greatly physically,mentally,emotionally.. in every way possible.

So now..whos in the wrong?

Go on,judge.


With all of that said,

I am not afraid.
I am not afraid to be honest,to be real.
I am not afraid to be imperfect,or troubled.
I am not afraid to be full of pain.
Its a natural,beautiful part of life.

I am not afraid to show who i truely am,
instead of pacify a shallow audience with who they'd rather I be.

I will not please a crowd just for an "easy route"
I will not lie to myself.I will not cheat myself of truth.
I know of where I currently stand. I know of what I do.

I'm well out of this "closet" now.
Look in the mirror,and ask yourself... are you out of yours?
have you set your demon free?

have you cut yourself open for all to see? "



I shall post more soon!





Hope youre all happy,healthy,and well<3

Today.

first day at clinic.
hell.

another attempt at feeling happy and eating in a normal manner.


morning: few bites of yogurt,water

afternoon:half cup soup

night:rice
chips
fruit cup


Tonights binge without lax or purging or exercising:
(i hold my breath)

plate of pasta with vegetables
plate of rice,chow mein,
2 eggroles
2 cream cheese wong tongs
1 breakfast crossiant
hashbrowns
water
bites of cake
2 herseys kisses.
im scared to death of chocolate and cake and cookies and chips and soda.

im TERRIFIED.aha.

cant eat anymore of it

i havent had chocolate in like over a month though,
so i guess having two little kisses wont hurt me right? :/

2009-2010 goals.

Get successful meds
Get inpatient/outpatient treatment for ED
get job
drive
volunteer at animal shelters/sanctuaries
finish highschool
put money away in savings account
get Altaira help
grow out hair
get braces off
decorate room
get another puppy?
see nick
someday live on my own.

Rawr rawr

how can someone fantasize so much about food,yet despise it more than anything,at the same time?
how can someone be so obsessed with food,nonstop..yet be scared to death of it?

my brain hurts so much.its so sore. If there was a way i could look inside of my head,i know it would be full of scabs and cuts and lesions from thinking so much..from crying so much,from being in so much pain all the time.

this will be the straw that breaks the camels back.
or..will it be the curse that sets me free?
will it be the bit of poison that cleans the rest of what flows within?to finally..disinfect and cure?

i know im alone,but i dont want to be alone.i know im supposed to be strong,but what if i dont want to be strong?

Day 2 of a new start.

Fuck recovery. what was i ever thinking?

Day 1 of a new start.

Blogdiary,


here I am again,spilling precious words across a shallow keyboard.. Placing them gently on the public screen for all to judge and read.


Its March 5th,2009. Precisely 1:30 AM. You thought I could sleep? I laugh to myself.




I have something to say. I have a bit of story to tell.




I spoke to god today. I could feel jesus near me.

Like a battered addict, I cried on my knees..
crawling..and begging.. I'm some sort of junkie.


All my life,i've searched for the answer. All my life,ive screamed for someone to help me. Tried to find the pleasure,The savior,the answer within love.. Within The man I love.. Within Ana, Within her strength and passive sadism. Within my blood mother... Within The Mother earth.. Within music.. Within strangers. You name it,I've tried it.

Never have I really ever turned to jesus. Never have I tried to find the answer within him.

I told him to love me,and I tried to submit as I would to a man biting my neck , being ontop of
me.. Or in a way I would to ana, after consuming something sinful and delicious. STaring back at myself in a public restroom mirror. Apologizing, Feeling guilty for messing and abusing her. Begging her to forgive me,so we can start allover. "ana,take me. Ana,love me.I'm here for you to take over."



I told god this,instead. This time.


Sick of speaking to something that can speak back..

well,can this speak back?can he? I feel like he did. Maybe im dellusional.
but I felt something beyond me. If i could explain,i would say a huge big fat invisiable blob of force in the corner of my bedroom as I choked on my own mascara and self pity.






I was so warn down and torn apart
my heroin was my own fingers, my stubbornness,my hollow stomach.
My addiction was my instability, my morphed perception.
My emptiness...its got me..

The agony Ive felt,I cannot explain..cannot put into words.

My hatred for humanity.. one of the reasons its so strong and raw,
because all ppeople ever do is compare..is measure. Mock and manipulate. They want reasons,definitions,approximations, exact answers.


They want math and science,

I want spatial sensation.

They want notes and chemistry,substance stained goggles and Bubbling experiments.
Gloves and medication precriptions.

All I want is, happiness. Purity. Harmony. Abstract outlooks and blind judgment.
No definition. No man made theory.Instead,self theory unspoken. Unshared.Just think to yourself..no need to preach or contribute by science. Just love and think to yourself.


Wild,free fields of wheat and grain
flowers,trees,lakes
animals and meadows of green
love making
sun shining
no school
no cars
no taxes
no work
no internet
no television
no britney spears
no booze
no burger king
no worry.

just live,

live the way you wish to live,in the moment you wish to die.

does that make sense?

it does to me.

think about it.

when youve been sucicidal.

how did you WANT to live?

at the moment,life is something you dispise.Disgusts you.Youre screaming and begging in so many ways,for so many reasons,for so many things.

but if you were to live,how would you live?

would you run to the store and buy 25 boxes of icecream?
would you quit your time consuming job and travel the world?
would you patch up past tattered relationships,and become closer to god?
Would you prioritize your possessions?
Would you move to a cabin somewhere far in the woods?
or a mellow place somewhere on the oceanside..

live the way you wish to live,in the moment you wish to die.


right?thats the only way to live,really.


When I tell people this...when i explain to them my outlook on life,how i want to live..they look at me like i'm dreaming. like im crazy. like i'm selfish,stubborn and out of my head. Like i'm full of teenage angst and rebellion. like i'm angry. like i'm rebellious. Like i'm non realistic. Like im surreal. Like i'm..infinite. like i'm a disrespecting sheep in the cloned herd of humanity .like i'm being bad and making sin for straying from everyone else who sits there everyday,allday,sipping from the same pond,eating the same grain. Like i'm evil for shaving my coat and changing myself for the better. Like im terrible for following my heart . My god given instinct.

to me,this is natural. My dreams.My goals. My outlook on life.


Today,I go humble.
Today, I strive for something better.
Today, the first day,I will try to kill the addiction.

Today,I will try to slay ana.

Ana verses the man in the sky

"Hi,My name is amanda,and I'm a recovering addict.."

but I dont want to really recover,..


I'm addicted to the surreal.
I'm addicted to a love that tries to tell me its dead,but I just cant believe it.
i'm partially at fault.
Im addicted to the emptiness.
Im addicted to a sore throat and empty stomach.
im addicted to feeling belligerent,delusional and lightheaded.
i'm addicted to living on the edge but never taking risks
i'm addicted to my own vulnerability
i'm addicted to crashing over and over again
i'm addicted to death,or the thought of it.
i'm addicted to violence.
i'm addicted to ugliness
i'm addicted to screaming and crying
im addicted to bruises and beatings
im addicted to negativity
i'm addicted to everything i hate but love in some sort of way

i'm addicted to getting walked allover
im addicted to being abused
i'm addicted to feeling worthless
i'm addicted to panic attacks
i'm addicted to getting dizzy and not being able to breathe
i'm addicted to perversion
i'm addicted to sin,all kinds of sin.
i'm addicted to self mutilation and self destruction
and destruction and inner demolition in a way you could never comprehend


i'm addicted to masochism.
i'm addicted to dominance,being dominated.
i'm addicted to rape.
i'm addicted to my drugs,my own personal drugs that arent typical to you..
im addicted with trying to help those who hate me or dont want any help at all..
trying to fix what i cannot control.


i'm addicted to looking at myself like a piece of clay to mold
just another piece of worthless art..
nothing special here

im addicted to controlling myself because all others ever have tried to do was control me
so i gain back control
and change the way i look




but,i want god.

its something new.

Youre making me laugh.

Stop trying to "save" me,or help me.I don't even know you.
It's not going to work,really.

If my own mother cannot really affect me in a way a "savior" would,then why the hell would a STRANGER on the internet do so?

I mean,seriously.
and that whole "anonymity" isnt flattering or helpful either,so don't think thats supposed to soothe much.

My body,My life.

I'm not touching you,or your life.

I appreciate the supposed "compassion" but mind your business.



Do you go up to obese people,and try to to straighten their lives out by telling them they should eat less,and get help?
Do you randomly walk up to someone on the sidewalk,whos smoking a cigarette and tell them its a disgusting habit,and that they need to quit as soon as possible?


No.

HAHAHA

1] most people dont care.
2] people who DO care dont have the BALLS to do something in public.


chances are,I'm not your friend.
chances are,you don't even care about me,I dont care about you,really.

Go help someone who wants it.
Who really really..needs it.
because in my eyes,everything happens for a reason.I have faith,I have security.

Dont tell me how to live.
Dont tell me how to act.

Worse things are done,everyday..right under your nose..
majority of which you cannot physically see..
but and then you jump right up to try to criticize or "save" me just because you can see it on my skin?

i'm in love with her.

I dont want to ever let her go.

though the smell of final dishes are delectable
her scent is so much more delicious than anything else
though the taste of the chocolate,melting in my mouth
her taste is sweeter than anything... anything else.

That damn bracelet slips back on my wrist.

I made up my mind,in the sense of not making up my mind. Its ok,everything is ok. I'll spin round and round some more..

Things are different now.

I have never felt this disgusting...this ill.

I know,something beautiful exists out there. I never had before. But now,I know.

Everything will be ok..because "Everything is perfect". Nothing is flawed. Everything is fixable.


I'll be ok without him. The one I kissed.
I'll be ok with her. The one I wore on my wrist.
I'll be ok without it. The punishment.

I'll be fine with this.

Mental retardation.

Bullshit has taken a toll on me. I love all you beautiful people who see a light within me.. but lately,i feel Like its all an illusion. ..or maybe it was a pure flame,thats slo.. w l...y.. dying out.
a diming light.

I used to have such a beautiful way with words.. Now..I don't. I dont feel like I Do. I mean,the physical sensation is still there. Before,I had sensation..and.. expression. Now,I'm still that same person,(Just a bit more fucked up) just without the proper form of expression! cant put my feelings or thoughts into words because they are so abstract and a l l o v e r this place. Out of this -------------------> universe,really.

I imagine my thoughts and feelings being a sort of a collage.. An endless,Large collage..full of cuts outs of flower pots,and black and white lines and splattered neon paint..and.. I dont know. See? Here I go again. I feel it..Just cant express it.



I cant concentrate in anything. All I can do is..sip water and listen to music and lay in bed..or..hang up clothes and shoes compulsively on a rack so none of them are lopsided or falling off or look uneven. ha.

I cant even think. Very scarce amount of people understand me when I talk about it..[talk about how i cant think or talk..]

I'm like alice,But this wonderland is worse. More horrifying. And Instead of being called Alice,I'll be "Ana".


I thank god they exist though.

anyway,basically,I think I'm going mentally retarded. aha. My brain must be shutting down. I'm even forgetting how to like..fucking spell certain things that ive always used to spell perfectly. Or like..pronunciation .. haha.

And,I'm forgetting everything in school. I take hours worth of notes,.I 'm extremly technical when it comes to notes. I find every single bit of knowledge of information valuable,and precious.I want to know it all,but Its like my brain rejects any information.


I'm trying,I really really am.

Maybe I need a tutor.

But instead of trying to save me,people criticize me or punish me. Thinking i'm.."rebelling" or not giving a shit,when thats not the case at all.

Even IF i tried to explain,no one listens.Their heads are up their asses.

I have unbelievable potiental,I know I do.


I'm becomming ugly..oh god no! I don't want to lose the person I was.. but.. maybe If I became numb,I wouldnt be upset with the new zombie I'll become.

The death of innocence

A vicious cycle.. I don't want to lose this touch,this outlook,this perception.I don't want to grow old and bitter,or just a few years older and bitter.

The world will be the death of me. he will be the death of me.The silence will be the death of me. All that ravishes and plunders with absent remorse,...will the death of me.

This media,this society..could take the shiniest to rust,
Will grab you by your ankles and swallow you whole,
if you realize it or not.. I'm starting to think it happens to everyone.


Sure,I'm fucked up.. but not entirely. Since I'm completely split in half and never one initial way completely. Theres still such.. purity. Such intact innocence within me..Such hatred for corruption..Such fear.. is fear a naivety?or is it just a vulnerable emotion?


I'm scared of getting a job,of driving..
of growing out of old clothes,
of visually maturing.

I have my faults,and My flaws. I'm not holy Mary.


My throat rejects water,and It tastes like blood.
I want to break mirrors
I snap at people easily
Most of the time,I hate humanity.
I can be reckless and careless.

I dont want this.


I dont really... conciously crave a vile substance to help take away the pain..
I'm just lost..
and maybe..just maybe...aimless feelings.. being lost..confusion..pain.and hopelessness,is a form of innocence?

Maybe corruption in itself,and tattered outlooks, poisoned intentions..and scraped knees,and knotted hair and cigarette lips are all forms of innocence?


maybe..ignorance..arrogance?

maybe... the after ward rape affect..
rape of the body and mind,yet not sexually.


maybe THAT is.... innocence?






The death of my innocence.
There may be rebirth..
but never like the scent of a confused virgin.

We do enough for ourselves. I think its time for the animals now.

This is utterly disgusting.
People need to KNOW what they're eating. How it became food. What youre putting in your body. Might as well walk down the street and start sipping from a used ,half empty soda can. I'm sick of the vile abuse that goes on in this world.. the careless people in it.




SPREAD THE WORD!







Watch video:

McCruelty: I'm Hatin' It--Learn More.


Please take action and fill this out:

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I know it may be difficult for people to sway from big time fast food chains,but for me,all it takes is a bit of cruel reality. A small video. I'm done.



also:

Who wants perfect?

so..hes an asshole.
so what?
no,really.
hes GENUINELY an asshole.

but who wants a sweet guy,anyway?

what is a life..without conflict? wheres the excitement? wheres the connection?
if its perfect,it dies off..at least if it starts dead... it cant possibly die anymore..leaving it with only choice of... growing for the better?

Pro Red bracelet?

I messed up today
I was poison in the pond of a perfect water fast
I was crumbs and broken pieces of dinner
drops and chunks slipping through my frail,shaky fingers
creating waves and wrinkles through the sapphire
tiny whirlpools of guilt and regret
polluting the pure with what i wish was successful vomit


I am,complex
was it worth it? never.
I look around,and cant relate..
to crowds and happy mouths, all maids,cleaning plates

they say i'm not me,because I said i'd never be this way
but I am me,you see
because we all have a chance of change
ive changed and soon.. I will change again.

So tired and weak
shot nerves and skyrocketing blood count
I am..killing myself?
but I was always dead
thus,I Am not afraid

I am red bracelet.
I am not a label.
I am a feeling
I am not pro or anti anything
I am ..me.

I am a beautiful person
I am a human being
I am mistakes and ugliness
they make me pretty

I am breaking,
I am building
I am destroying,
I am creating.

I am,"Fuck you".
I am, compassion.open arms.Warmth.hugging.
I am,hatred. Broken glass,cold and alone.Bruised knees, chest bones.
I am love.Chest bones.Why cant chest bones be love?


For if this is only a chapter of my life,
this week is a section
and tonights flaw is merely a sentence.
I can rewrite.
Life is but a moment

and,I am..
red bracelet.

Caught up in my own thoughts..
soon I started to observe the similar thoughts of others..
unfolded a disorder.

I'm not okay,but I don't think I'm close to the edge either...
wait no,... I kind of am,nevermind.
Although,I do feel as if i'm dying. and It wont take much more until I start to die physically.
but, ..people..as always..will judge situations by apparent severity.


I sink in confusion. I dont understand.. How sore girls can say they arent "pro"
yet they still remain sore?

how can you not be "pro" but still be within a disorder?

Almost as if turning your back away from who you are
ashamed,embarrased? Why? why ? why?!


or singling out those in confusion,
trying to label things all by yourself
as if its yours to neatly,compulsively categorize


you say youre not pro,
but in a way.. you subconciously are,
because you still sleep in the chamber of that mindset.

and you play in the baskets of those feelings..
dipping your toes in whatever interests you..selfishly..
no.. no no..
you cant have half,you must bear the whole.



well,


hm. I think...

Theres a reason for everything.
Whatever happens,happens.
There is origination and innocence to all.

There is a starting point for everything.

So how can you not be "pro"
if it is what you are?
And why is it what you are,
if you are made up of other things as well?

Why cant you just be "pro yourself?"

or is that..impossible?


I am not pro anything.

I am


my body.
my life.


I am,

my choice.


I am,

Pro me.


I am,

human

and full of complications
and misunderstandings
of logic unable to decipher
and feelings so deep,impossible to uncover
I am.. contradictions
I am, dangerous
I am,safe.
I am so negative,
I am so optimistic
I am so broken,
I am so.. okay.
I am..not okay.

I will..kill you.
I will shelter you.

I will pull you close and beg you to help me,
I will push you away and tell you to stop trying to save me.

I want help,I dont want help.
I want to do it my way.

I panic,
I calm.

I realize,
I'm in fog

I recover,
and I.. die.


I am..

red bracelet.


I am,

determination.
I am,

sickness.


I am..

sickness.


Always have been.


Always will be.







Maybe.